Stupidest shit youve done while horny

Stupidest shit youve done while horny

Stuck my dick in a vacuum on blow because i thought that thats what a blowjob was

licked the anus of a fat ugly single mother.

Greentext?

Spied on my mum through a keyhole and got caught

Sucked my own dick

spell icup

Jerked off with Noxema. Burned.

Kidnapped a girl called madeleine mccann raped her killed her.

I've cummed my aunt's panties. tho.

What are we 12 again?

nice try, Mr and Ms McCann.

This

Made a pocket pussy out of a microwaved banana and some duct tape. Burned the shit out of my cock.

Greentext how on mobile
I want to be a cool kid
>Good day in the northern hemisphere
>felt a bit bold
>find Gillette razor that happens to vibrate
>rubs half of Vaseline box onto it
>insert
>shaking stimulates prostate immensely
>finna tour bus
>tries to take it out but it won't budge
>worried
>tries tugging and pulling at the same time
>no luck
>went to bed with a fucking razor stuck up cavity
>Mfw

>suffering from a long dry spell
>find slumpbuster
>ultra slut
>we're talking 100 plus partners
>literal 3/10
>says she's into getting rimmed
>dick has taken over the controls at this point
>spread her huge ass cheeks
>proceed to french kiss that starfish
>finger the shit out of her at the same time
>she cums
>fuck her doggy
>instand disgust as soon as I blow my load

When I was 14, I was trying some really weird shit. On the toilet one time, I literally rubbed shit on my dick because I thought it would feel like I was fucking a girl up the ass. It didn't feel like anything, it just smelled bad. It took a whole roll to clean by hands of shit. Even after washing them thoroughly, they still smelled like shit for a day or two.

Item:1/100 uses left

>had my younger brother push down my head so I could suck my own dick
>got high and jerked off while walking around the city
>used a qtip as a dildo on a mouse, came on the mouse, then killed it.
>put peeled bananas and almonds in my asshole so I could eat them

damn she farted on my dick

>Home alone at 11 during summer holidays, exploring the house (never get a chance to do so) and find porn in mum and dads closet
>Start fapping, suddenly, front door opens
>Mum and dads bedroom is right at the top of stairs, facing the front door
>Go to back of closet and sit down behind all the coats, mouth breathing so I don't make noise
>Mum comes in to room and sits on bed, starts getting changed
>Opens closet, puts shoes on the floor, leaves the closet open, lies down on bed, texting
>Sitting there for about 10 minutes fucking terrified that I'm going to get caught (going in to mum and dads room was a total no-go in our family)
>Front door goes again, dad rushing up stairs
>"user's gone out?"
>"Yeah, I think he's out with his friends"
>And they start making out aggressively
>Sitting there in closet, half watching my dad get sucked off, bending my mum over the bed, mum moaning loudly, getting spanked, etc
>Carries on for like 20 minutes, dad pulls out and cums on my mum's face, they sit in the afterglow for a few minutes then my dad goes back to work
>Mum goes for a shower (adjacent to their bedroom)
>Sneak out the closet, out the backdoor, climb the side fence and in the front door, mum just getting out of shower
>Mum in a really good mood
>"There's my big boy, come give your mum a kiss"
>MFW

Left the door to my room open carelessly and my lil sister walked in and saw (didnt hear her come to the house from school). She brings it up jokingly occasionally still.

lmao you were seriosuly fucked in the head! what the fuck were you thinking as a little dipshit you were...

i fucked a warm radiator in the middle of the night

reported, sir

>me, virgin, dating this girl I met online
>we meet one morning, heavy making out
>she had to go to work
>meet later, get dinner
>sitting in her car, kissing, getting pretty hot
>get in the back seat, start taking cloths off
>get my dick wet
>moving around, poke her in the butt.
>says she needs to go home...
>haven't seen her since

Damn, that's some messed up shit

show my dick to my crush in a theater

is your sister recently hot? please dump her pics, my dear user!

I cummed on my own face when I was 12.

How many cereals did u keel?

posted pictures of my gf on here

NiBBa

When I was a teen I attempted to stick my dick in a printer. Ended up ripping off my foreskin. That's how I circumcised myself.

She's still underage in high school user.

I did too but by accident. It shot up pretty high.

How'd it go?

>Break up with long term-ish GF (6 months in high school felt like an eternity) on bad terms
>She spreads a lot of shit about me around school, maliciously
>Not much of it sticks, but it's enough that girls think I'm a shitty guy because I instigated the break up (she was getting too needy and clingy)
>Couldn't get laid in a whorehouse at this point
>Fast forward 6 weeks or so, at a summer party, have a new social circle with a few old friends, including some out of school people
>Always get horny when I'm drunk, notice this chubby girl (easily 70+kg and short) giving me all kinds of good vibes
>She motions to go upstairs
>We talk for a bit, she starts kissing me, leading me on
>At this point, I'm pretty wrecked, as is she, and it was hot as fuck through the day but it was starting to cool down
>She motions for me to lay down, takes off her skirt and peels her panties to the side
>Can literally see the sweat being peeled from her thighs
>Begins straddling me
>But wait I haven't got my jeans off ye-
>She starts scooching up the bed towards my face
>Oh god no
>She turns around
>Oh sweet jesus please no
>Tucks her calves under my shoulders, her ass in my face
>Come the fuck on you drunken fuck tell her you don't want this
>Dick is like "C'mon bro, it's been like 6 weeks"
>The stench of sweat, pussy and ass immediately becomes overbearing as she starts grinding my face
>This goes on for like 5 of the longest minutes in my life as her sopping wet pussy is just kinda grinding my mouth, while my nose is right in her ass, until she comes hard
>She haphazardly sits there on my face while unbuttoning my jeans pulls my dick out
>Moans again as she gives me one of the worst handy's I've had before or since
>That horny I cum all over my stomach and her hands
>She mistakes my quick ejaculation for desire, licks the cum up, licks her cum from my face, and falls asleep next to me, saying "we can fuck in a few hours"
>Go in to a drunken coma wake up to find her gone
>Thank you Jesus

Dated a 15 year old when I was 19 just for the sex.

Glued my penis in a fleshlight

Why don't you take a seat?

MFW

me too
feels good

Spied on my family members/hidden cam

Did not.

Hacked in to my sister's facebook and found a LOT of candid pictures.

Of other dudes dicks. And assholes.

Turns out she solicits lonely guys in a weird dominatrix kinda role.

Green text the story to the ER please.

>me at 12
>Mom is gone
> I'm alone
>Bored and horny
>Remembers cucumbers where on sale $10 for $10
> We have about 20 in the crisper for picking
> Decided to try to shove one up my ass
>No way in hell it would fit
>Rethinking strategy
> Suddenly I have an idea
> Decides to shove it in my vagina
> Remembers that we needed all of the cucumbers
>Oh shit.jpeg
>Washes cucumber and puts it back in the crisper
More stories?
Bump

tits or gtfo

U jelly?

yes

Dick or gtfo

Could you make it a combination of more stories and this ?

Nice one :)

seriously though hows that possible? are you like super skinny or just very flexible

No you didn't.

:)

We have a winner.

No. No i didnt. But i did stick my dick in a vacuum. It didnt feel good

>10 years old
>Get a magazine thing at school that explains puberty/masturbation
>Decide I want to try it out
>Wait for an afternoon when parents go out shopping
>No idea what to do, play with my clit a little
>Doesn't seem too much fun
>Stop
>Read magazine
>It mentions that insertion feels better
>"Okay, I guess"
>Don't want to make anything messy
>Go to kitchen and get one of those yellow marigold gloves mom uses to clean the dishes
>Put my hairbrush inside it, but it won't go inside
>Stop
>Read magazine
>It mentions I need to get wet or use lubrication
>Dunno what any of that means, but soap is slippery
>Get some shower gel and put it on the marigold covered hairbrush
>It slowly goes inside, like an inch, feels REALLLLY good for what it is
>No wait that burns
>Oh God it's burning
>Pull it out, start crying, go for a shower and try to wash the soap out of my vagina
>Doesn't quell the stinging and burning
>Eventually have to resign myself to the fact I'm going to have to call in mom on this one
>She asks if I did anything different to make it sore
>"No idea..."
>Pretty sure she knows
>Go to A&E
>Turns out there were traces of bleach on the marigold glove that burned the inside lining of my vagina
>Have to put a not at all soothing steroid cream inside my vagina 3 times a day for a week to build up the inner lining

TL;DR, put bleach in vagina by mistake

Holy fuck... It was incredible.

>Be me
>15
>Parents coming back in a couple of hours
>Really horny
>Look online for ways to makes masturbation as pleasurable as possible
>Find one technique that supposedly gives the best orgasm possible
>It's similar to couch-humping but it's with bags of water
>Gotta fill up 4 bags of water, place them on a chair with handles, put my dick in between the middle of the four
>Do all of that
>Can't wait, start humping
>Normal orgasm
>As I relax, I put too much weight on one of the bags and it explodes
>All the other bags explodes
>My entire room is flooded
>Nervous as fuck, need to find an excuse
>Not even 5 minutes later parents knock on door
>Parents couldn't believe what they saw
>Came up with the most retarded excuse
>"I uhhh well I uhh ah yes was preparing water balloons for a party and they all popped"
>They went along with it

It was fucking crazy. Took an hour to clean the mess and my parents never knew the reason..

Was there any permanent damage?

...

Dunno, I'd never had sex before, but sex definitely feels extremely sensitive at times. Maybe that's just what sex is? I've no before or after.

Huh, well if you can still come and enjoy sex, I guess no critical damage was done.

Got all coked up and jerked off until nothing came out and it hurt every time I came, then kept going.

Top Tier porn tho.

Stolen panties.
Snuck into friends house to steal panties or search through computer and cameras for nudes.
After sneaking in sometimes jerk off in her clothes. Like wearing them. Then releasing in them.
Taking photos without consent.
Touching/groping while the girls asleep.

>be me
>about 15
>girl cousin is 10
>horny
>get a piece of gum
>rub my dick on it
>planning to give it to her
>pussy out
>she sees me with the gum
>'user can I have that gum'
>panic
>put gum in mouth
>'Sorry cuz already ate it'
>chew dick gum

Plz greentxt

Did you get any negative associations with.you after this? Were people calling you a nonce etc?

>Took an hour to clean the mess and my parents never knew the reason
>mess
>Water
>not just laying a towel down
What were they 4 gallon bags?

Plz answer

...

Fucking self with pen while jacking. It was great, other then the fact that a bunch of shit was in the pen and needed rinsed.

There already was an answer.
Look at the other reply to my post.

and im calling MODS just for the lulz

I was too slow. When I replied there wasn't. Oh well

>Be me at 15
>everyone is asleep
>Starts going at it
>Dog is running up the stairs
>Dog needs to shit
>Damn it
>Takes dog out in the yard
>Has to watch the dog or else she will dig under the fence
>She is taking forever
>It's been about twenty minutes... Dog still won't go
>I'm pissed off because I have to pee now and she won't chose a spot and get done
> I really have to pee now
>Says fuck it and just peed in the yard
>Dog decided to pee also
>Damn 30 more seconds and I wouldn't have to deal with this shit
>Dog is finally done
>Dog will not come inside now
>Fuck this.jpeg
>It's really late... Probably about 3-4 pm
>Still in the mood
>Decides to just go at it outside
>Finishes... At least there's no clean up
>Goes back to my room... Best FUCKING sleep ever

You didn't just... throw the pen away?

Fuck off back to plebbit

I got a little too deep in to a relationship with a single mother. All because I wanted my dick dealt with.

Started out casually, just friends

Then we started fucking

Then she introduced me to her kids

Then she started flaunting me around in front of the dad

Then she wanted me to move in

Then she suggested we take a holiday together

Then I heard her saying to her 5 year old son to call me "daddy" and it got a bit too weird for me so I ended it

For reference, the above all happened between March and September 2013, I still see her around town, I think she's fucked up the kids by having a constant rotation of boyfriends around her at all times. Pretty sure she was dating someone else the weekend after I broke it off with her

and pretty sure you got std

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, even if I feel sorry for those kids.

>trying to find a new father figure
>all potential suitors get scared away because they don't want to raise a kid that's not theirs

Well, the other option is to stay single and the kid has no father figure. Damned if you do, damned if you don't

It was like the ultimate mother daughter bonding experience
>Yes she is my child

You cleaned that shit with toilet paper? I'm ashamed to be an American

ha h ha a aha nice one thats a keeper!! definitely not reposting this one to a reddit thread!!!

Telling your kid to call your new boyfriend of 5 months dad, is pretty fucked up though.
Give it a year and a half at least and only if he is showing interest in permanently staying.

I have gotten the head of my penis in my mouth.
>CAN CONFIRM

>falling for the printing jew

>be me
>alone at home
>raelly want try the glove vagina improved version that required to be fill with water
>the plueasure tool is ready
>it's near the sink
> please don't fall please don't fall please don't fall
>it fall
>ohshit.jpeg
>it took me a 15 min to clean everything
>still want make a fake vagina
>fapped with an easier version of it that day and the day after

Definitely didn't go about it in the best way.

It's just difficult being a single parent.

The mind of the weeb never gets PAST 12. It's science.

Got shit loads more
>Will greentext
Bump

fapped in the balcony at 6am

What the fuck is your first language.

Got a glass bottle stuck in my ass and had to get it surgically removed

kappa

Wow you are such a rebel... congrats

I can imagine it is, jumping the shark like that won't help much though.
My dad decided to stay with my mom, in spite of her having my sister from a former relationship.
My mom never encouraged my sister to call my dad, daddy. She still doesn't, but she acknowledges that he was the closest she had for most of her childhood, in spite of going to see her bio dad at regular intervals.
Telling a kids to call someone daddy, instead of letting the kid decide for itself is also a bit fucked.

>be me
>Horny and home alone
>Knows where my mom has her vibrator
>finds some lube next to the vibrator
>goes into bathroom and locks door
>starts putting lube on the vibrator and my asshole
>try fitting it inside
>too tight
>try stretching my asshole a little with fingers
>after a short time try putting vibrator up my ass again
>starts masturbating to fight pain with pleasure
>gets it inside and it hurts like hell
>turn vibrator on and masturbates
>cums after 5 seconds
>takes vibrator out its covered in blood and shit
>MFW