Stupidest shit you ever did when horny v2

Stupidest shit you ever did when horny v2

>post ur greentxt

>catholic
>become altar boy age 9
>discover masturbation age 10
>communion wafers come in these sheaths of like 100 or something
>they are sealed in these plastic sheaths
>so many wafers are distributed every mass
>the sheaths are discarded afterwards
>be the altar boy all these years
>now I'm taking the discarded plastic sheaths home
>they are a good diameter to fit a dick inside
>lube up my tool
>fuck the communion wafer sheath
>rinse it out, repeat 10x
>use a new one
>it felt pretty good to hump a mattress wearing a wafer sheath
>never any regrets, unrelated I'm agnostic now

Story time, flashback to '08
>Be me, 17, beta af
>First day of senior year
>Have huge crush on qt3.14, Gina
>Also have what I call triple-threat
>Feet/socks/tickling fetish
>Surprising amount of related porn
>Beat my shit daily, can't discuss fetish with normies for obvious reasons
>Private school, lame ass uniforms, at least I can see when girls wear crazy socks (fuzzy and knee-high ones in winter got me rock hard)
>Gina's in homeroom
>Rocking Christmas socks, snowmen and stripes
>Already at half-mast, barely 8am
>Her friends call her out, she owns it
>"Yeah these were my only clean ones, check em bitches"
>Gina's parading around, shoes off, starting carols w/people all morning
>Think about Ann Coulter to suppress boner
>Longest fucking day
>After class, w/Gina & peeps in 2nd floor gym
>Peeps leave, me and Gina alone
>Can't stop staring at her socks
>Boner is gaining on me
>Let slip "Cool socks G"
>lol "Thanks user"
>iwanttotickleherfeetsobadly
>Sits back , phone in hand, not paying attention
>CROSSES LEGS, TAKES SHOES OFF
>It’s all boner now
>ohfuck.jpeg
>Isn’t she kinda asking for it tho
>Fuck just do it, be bold, maybe she'll be into it
>Grab her ankle and pull into my lap
>Drops her phone, looks at me like 'wtf'
>Tickle her foot vigorously
>Feelssogoodman
>She laughs, kicks me, notices my boner in my pants
>"user WHAT THE FUCK"
>No words
>Can only manage "I wanted to see something, sry"
>Grab my shit and run, skip class next day
>Quiet spot in woods, beat my dick like it owes me money
>Pic: Found on fb years later, still have it saved
>I fucked up

fuck me, thats a great story, also your a fucking moron

>Be me
>14 horny as fuck
>Saw some good as plant hentai
>"Damn i want a plant to fuck me with its flowery thick necter.
>Sneak outside at 11pm
>Get random leaves and shit
>lube em up and put em on my dick
>Boner intensified and i came.


To this day i don't know what the fuck i was on, but that hentai is still great.

The aftermath wasn't all that bad IIRC. I apologized to Gina and she just laughed it off. Didn't stop the whispers/rumors though. Btw this is her

Wow, that was enlightening, thanks. how long were you in private school for? I was in private catholic school for 9 years and the girls all wore socks + skirts until 6th grade, then they started wearing pants so we couldn't see their socks as often. I suppose there was the occasional skirt in 7th/8th grade but not as memorable I guess as the younger years. 7th and 8th grade moved on to the legs and ass

That feeling after you jerk off to something weird sucks man

I jerked to a guy fucking a dog in its vag

No regrets

Nice, i'd tickle her feet, glad nothing came of it, thats the kinda shit that could stick to you for years

creative mind on this one

Nice. You're most certainly an autist, op but in all fairness she's pretty hot and I'd want to see her feet too.

So they're just plastic? Theres no give to them at all ? sounds like that would rip your dick. Post a pic of christ sheath.

Gross

All four years of high school. Girls in fuzzy or knee high socks in the winter months, especially taller girls with long legs, unf.

banged a horse.

I have done that but it was a horse.
No regrets.

She had these too, also found on her fb.

Shit skin?

>think about Ann coulter to suppress boner

Yeah she's a babe.

What do you think her feet would smell like?

Idk why but when I get drunk I choke girls so much when I do stuff with them and don't have any fetish for it when I am sober. I have no control over it and it just happens with me not knowing it. Most girls seem to like it though. I just don't understand how something that never even really crossed my mind happens almost everytime

>beat my dick like it owes me money
Kek

Would you tickle these by any chance? It's not Gina but also someone I know

I'm not much of a feet man, but i can appreciate those

... couldn't think of anything for the thread but I'm trying this now.

What are you talking about bby
Ann coulter counteracts my ED

well it's like a thin plastic bag the diameter of a communion wafer, about 10 inches long. so you can 100 in there and plenty of your tool in there plus lube.

>>be 13
>>like jerking off with lotion during summer
>>hate it during winter, lotion is too cold on my dick
>>middle of winter
>>horny as fuck for a lubed beat off sesh
>>have 13 year old style retarded idea
>>microwave the lotion
>>feels ok to the touch
>>turns out it wasn't
>>burn the fuck outta my dick with lotion i had put in the microwave
>>fuckingretarded.jpg

jerked off next to a gay dude in a sauna

communion wafer, imagine the packaging for these things, like a tube. they don't come in a potato chip bag necessarily

I imagine they'd be very pleasant. She runs and dances on a daily basis, but is also very into pedicures/taking care of fer feet.

How about these? (just something I picked up off of a quick google search)

That doesn't answer my question.

Oh it's a plastic bag I thought you meant a solid tube (like pringles come in or something). sounds awesome, you ever fill one up over multiple loads so you could put it in the freezer and make a cum lightsaber?

They probably smell very pleasant, thinking maybe lavender.

had something like this happen once before at a younger age when I first learned soap+urethra=suffering, but wasn't as bad as this one.
>be like 12 or 13, don't remember
>discovered masturbation around 10 or 11 I think
>in shower
>jerkin it with hand towel
>get weird idea to use some sponge I found on the soap shelf
>not really a sponge, like thick foam chunk
>for some reason start vigorously rubbing head of dick with sponge
>stop and use it around dick to get off
>eventually finish, everything normal
>as I'm getting out of shower dick starts to hurt
>no big deal it does that sometimes after I shower
>pain doesn't stop
>really hurts
>holding in cries of pain
>look down, little blood comes out
>whathaveidone.fuckingkillme
>stand in bathroom for like half an hour waiting for pain to stop
>doesn't
>eventually say fuck it and limp awkwardly to my room not letting my dick rub my pants
>pain goes down a little, still really bad
>eventually go tell my dad something along the lines of hey my penis really hurts I don't know why
>not that blunt, didn't directly mention anything but he knew what I meant
>asks me if I was masturbating
>not accusatory but still scared as fuck
>umnowhatsthat.bullshit
>basically say i must have cleaned too hard or some retarded excuse
>don't know if he bought it, didn't matter
>try to go sleep, can't because dick continues to be smitten by gods wrath
>eventually sleep
>next morning seems better at first, then I move and the pain returns
>end up going to school late, late to classes because I have to walk slow to not die of shock
>end up going home early because I can't deal
>spend rest of day in bed not moving and reconsidering my life choices

gave me a solid kek

I got two stories

>be me, back in 2014
>live in southeast asia as a white guy
>on tinder, looking for sluts
>find obvious tranny, but still not too bad looking
>message a day or two, get him to come over to give me a massage
>get boner because it usually happens when I get a massage
>tells me turn over
>gives me head, came everywhere
>he kept texting and calling, had to block on all social media
never meet a tranny from tinder, there's bound to be mental issues.

story two:

>same year, but a few months earlier
>on craigslist hookups section
>send a message and get an almost immediate reply
>she says she's going to bring a friend to make sure she's safe
>but the friend is trans, she's a woman though
>my cousin and one of his friends come over, we go to a close-by bar, a hippopotamus lumbers up the stairs with basically a dude in drag with huge tits
>fuck, I'm going to need a lot of booze
>order a tower of booze for the 5 of us
>I'm trying to get drunk as fast as possible so I can fuck
>we finish two towers, I pay and we all walk back to my apartment which is about two blocks away
>tell my friends and the tranny to sit out on my balcony
>give them my weed, my hookah, some cigs and a speaker to play music
>I fuck the hippo, she doesn't smell bad, which is nice
>toodrunktocum.mp4
>afterwards, she takes up my blanket, my cousin stays outside with his friend, smoking still
>tranny comes in, sits on my couch
>gives me a bit of a handjob
>we all pass out around my apartment
>wake up with raging boner, start to fuck the hippo again
>she tells me to cum in her
>fuck it, she's on the pill
>came in her twice
>tranny cooks breakfast, which is nice
>tranny and hippo leave
>cousin and friend laugh at me for fucking a fat chick
>at least I got laid

I never tell people about these stories

>at least I got laid
s'all that matters, big girls need love too

>gives me a bit of a handjob
faggot.

true. I don't regret fucking her, because it's true what they say about fat girls- They make up for it by fucking like crazy. I noticed that my bed (it had wheels on the bottom and I had tile floors) had moved about a foot away from the wall.
checked
>calling me a faggot for one line in the second story, but not for the first
alrighty

Holy shit, user. What happened after?

>be young teenage me, around 12-14 years old
>get a pillow which is shaped like a L shape
>be horny as fuck, but no lock on my door
>the only door that has a lock on it is the toilet
>i take my pillow and some books in the toilet
>my parents ask why im taking those there, i say i like reading in the toilet
>when im in the toilet i scrunch the L shaped pillow and fuck it and blow loads in it
>pretend to be reading but actually just fucking the pillow in the toilet

lmfao

>be 10
>recently found stepdad's porn in shredder
>been taping them together like puzzle
>that faithful day
>out of shower
>pp is hard
>close room door and spreads shredded porn over bed to continue god's work
>neighbor's daughter came over to play
>pfft ignore
>irritated since 10 and couldn't cum
>piss all over bed in response
KOCK KOCK
>it's mum
"your friend left because you didn't come out"
>she sounds angry and might come in
>uses body to cover piss bed and shredded porn soaked in piss
>she didn't
>took second shower out of shame and piss

nothing really, eventually healed, just kinda didn't talk about it. have this weird little extra flap of skin on the tip of my dick now, not sure if it was from that, pretty sure it was tho

> be 15
> dating solid 7/10 red head
> at her house about to fuck
> take off her pants
> first time seeing a pussy IRL
> harder than a diamond
> in my fervor I say
So is it supposed to smell like this or not?

I've got a good one.

>Be me, 17
>Dating girl for a year now
>Started fucking her 4 months into the relationship
>She's going to Florida on Spring Break
>We couldn't get away from her Mom to fuck before they left.
>My fucking cock is sad, man.
>Her family asked me to come feed their dog and take him for a walk everyday. I get a key to the house.
>On the third day I was dying. I as horny as shit but beating off didn't really help.
>Added note, her bestfriend and I were to trade days. My girl's BFF stayed the night there all the time and practically lived there for a short spell.
>Anyways, I finish walking the dog and go to my GF's room. I see the pair of panties laying in the floor that have been eyeing me for the past few days. Their practically begging me to put my dick on them.
>I'm instantly hard as fuck as I wrap the panties around my cock and start jerking.
>I hear a noise but I thought it was the dog.
>Her best friend comes into the room and sees me jacking off into the panties.
>No shit, man. As soon as she opened the door I made eye contact and came. I didn't do it on purpose. I was embarrassed as shit.
>"Those are my panties, user."
>Oh shit.
>I'm fucking dead when she gets back from Florida.
>Surprisingly I never hear about it

Fast forward to the day of my wedding to my aforementioned GF. The ceremony and reception are over. My GF and her friend still talk all the time. Nothing has ever been said.

>Drunk as fuck after reception.
>Chilling with my new wife and her friend (mentioned previously) and smoking cigarettes and weed
>"Hey, user. Do you remember when I walked in on you cumming into my panties?"
>I freeze and look at my wife with a panicked look
>She laughs and explains that she heard the story right after she got back from Florida but knew that I couldn't have known that they weren't her panties because she literally has 2 million pairs.
>I still can't look her best friend in the eye.

Pic of friend?

I fapped in the same room my older sister was in and she never noticed or knows to this day

hahahaha

thats funny as fuck

what did you guys say to each other after she said 'those are my panties'

did she just leave instantly or what

describe the awkwardness and conversation please lmao

>be 16 or 17
>times before craigslist (circa 2004)
>drinking vodka in pqrents basement on yahoo chat
>talking to dudes and some girl about my dick
>get on webcam and show my goods
>many offers from veiws for best head ever
>finally decide fuck it abd give the one girl address to come bj me
>never asked for picture
>hour later car pulls up and I go to meet the mouth my dick is soon to be in
>massive 300lbs black bitch
>fml no turning back now
>go back to basement
>sucking my soft dick for an hour
>no cum
>devise plan in head
>tell bjtch she better run my I can hear my parents.

She leaves in a hurry and I vow never to invite strangers to my parents house again. But this is where I cross the line into uncharted territory.

>its about 4 am
>get back on yahoo
>talk to some guy
>sceen name: cocksucker481 or some shit
>talk about the worst head of my life
>he says he feels bad and describs how he could make me cum in a min flat
>dick is fucking diamonds from description

( this is the first time i considered getting head from a guy)

>way to fucking curious
>letsdothis.jpeg
>ride moped to house
>recive best head of young life

I felt so fucking dirty after all this I stayed off of yahoo for years... And the worst part is the guy was a nurse at the hospital and I had gone there with my mom to get an xray on my arm a few years later... That faggot was my nurse.

kek'd I'm sure your wife had a good chuckle about that, at worst your wives friend

hahaahah faggot

She just walked to another room. I didn't know what to do with the panties so I just tossed them into the washer and washed them. I never asked if she wanted them back. I just set them in a bag on the bed and prayed that it never came up again.

>be 19 and virgin
>friend calls and asks if I wanted to get laid
>said yeah
>took a shower
>friend walked over and we took my car
>go to an apartment
>5/10 40 year old woman answers
>my friend gives her cocaine, and she does it there.
>she invites us back to her bedroom
>limp as fuck not sure maybe nervous
>watching the two of them go at it while I try to plug one of her holes with rope dick
>she gives me friend a blow job
>before we left, i gave her a kiss
>my friend reminded me she gave him a blow job
>I hit my friend in the shoulder
>I brush my teeth rigorously

I didn't really loose my virginity but it was a shitty experience either way

Foot fags are the weakest race.

I figure its kinda like a police record.. All that shit is whipped out when u turn 18

>be me, around 11
>spend the night at rich best friends house all the time
>we would usually sleep in the basement since he had a home theater down there
>every night he falls asleep I sneak to up the stairs to the mid level of house, and then upstairs to where his and his sisters room was located
>go into upstairs bathroom, and the majority of the time, the sister left several sets of clothes on the floor
>would pick up thongs, smell them, and try them on
>had a raging hard on while doing this, but didn't know how to jerk off yet
>did this about 50 times
>began stealing thongs
>fast forward a few weeks after I started stealing underwear
>about 9pm, playing video games at friends house
>he says I have to call my mom to pick me up
>I was under impression I was spending the night, and asked why
>he said he doesn't know

HIS MOM KNEW

Also.. it was always a horrible feel when I'd sneak all the way upstairs to find none of her clothes were in the bathroom. It would completely destroy me, kek

At least we have standards. Ain't nobody want a dirty unwashed pair of feet in their face

You ever lay in bed about to fall asleep and you read some shit that just wakes your ass up?
This is the shit that woke my ass up.

Jesus fuck user

> be 18
> at gfs house alone
> starts off tame enough, doing homework before final tests before graduation
> one hour into studying and we take a break
> as we're in the kitchen, I grab her waist and tell her thanks for helping me
> "No problem user, I'd never missed a chance to help you"
> I kiss her and she tells me to wait here while she goes and changes
> I go out onto the back deck to enjoy the weather and get some air
> about 10 minutes later I turn around and see my gf in a slutty version of her school uniform
> fucking harder than Chinese algebra
> skip forward a few minutes and I'm fucking her from behind as she is bent over the fence on the back deck
> going at it like a savage with hair pulling, ass slapping, finger fucking her ass. The works
> after a while of smashing, about to bust a nut on her back when I hear her front door open and close
> fuckme.jpg
> in a fraction of a nano second I make the decision to cut and run
> as I pull out and about to pull my pants up, gf grabs my dick, gets on her knees and starts sucking me off
> fucking too much for me
> I cum all over her face right as her mother, father, and older brother round the corner
> try to run but forget my pants are around my ankles
> fall face first, break my nose
> father's look on his face when he seen his daughter covered in jizz and my bare naked ass rolling on the deck as blood shoots from my nose

jesus christ, the amount of times you must have done that for her to figure out

Keep going my dick is out

gave me a hearty kek, first off your gf sounded like a real keeper, and also a fucking idiot

my sides

Probably the best one yet, great tale user

to this day I don't know if she just didn't hear the door or if she just didn't care

She was a keeper. Unfortunately I ended up getting a dear John letter three weeks into basic training

dear john letter?

Unfortunate, glad your dead though

not dead, thats a funny ass typo

How do you greentext

not that user, but I'm assuming the "dear john, i've found someone else" type of letter.

by lurking more. you can even orange text if you lurk hard enough

no need for greentext.

i fucked a stripper without a condom.

against all odds, didn't get aids and didnt get her pregnant.

I fucked a nigger kid bareback since i didnt have any condoms been really paranoid about having hiv ever since but the kid seemed clean didnt show any syptoms

This one is great

>feelsbadman
>>>>
>feels >bad >man

Shit what happened afterwardsds?? Did you just get up, pull your pants up and leave?

>test test

fucking lol

>went out with friends
>got super wine drunk before we hit the bars
>immediately one chick starts barfing
>get here home
>really upset that I wasn't able to talk to bitches
>really drunk
>generally way too horny
>stay up to make sure she doesn't barf into anything but the trash
>take off her top and jerk off on her cold, inebriated body
>take pictures
>clean her up, go to bed
>look at photos later and feel bad, baleet them

First time I've ever been that degenerate

>kek

that is fucking rough. I swear 90% of all my poor decisions were done while horny

just use this >

You're just going to give that to him?
Fuck no user, I'm taking that.
>takes

>test

>> fucking harder than Chinese algebra
my sides are gone

user even though you are an idiot for doing that! It took guts

what's that hentai called

LMFAO!! good one

Am I doing it right

>be around 12
>wasn't sure what to do exactly and just shoved my dick in between couch cushions
>instant regret/10
>gave myself a rusty venture trying to cum, and blue balled myself while also tearing skin off my dick and bleeding everywhere
eventually found out what to do and fucked to oblivion to the point where my parents had to throw away the couches

>Newfag

that sounds fantastic

>be me, 17
>at (ex) qt3.14 gf's house
>senior in highschool, later in the year
>seniors come in late day
>shows up to her house without a condom
>lays down in her bed, chilling, not doing anything
>we're home alone, she goes "user we can't have sex without a condom"
>says fuck it, let's watch movies instead
>lay down in her bed, nearly naked
>start grinding, she tells me she has a condom in her purse

Let me remind you, I'm still a virgin at this point. Never had sex before in my life.

>starts foreplay, begin fingering her
>I'vewatchedenoughpornntoknowwhattodo.png
>turns out I'm good at that shit, eats her out
>her toes are curling, but I'm laying stomach down on her bed, body pressure and no boner
>pick her up, lay on my back and she gets on top, does this sexy ass grind thing
>"go put that condom on, user."
>fuck.cmd
>knows how to put it on, but lights were off and blinds were closed, everything was dark
>couldn't see the god damn condom
>tried putting it on, did it wrong, got frustrated
>dick gets soft from humility
>gets pissed even more
>"uhhhhh shit, (gf), I can't see shit"
>wellthen.IMG
>flips her over and eats her out
>never fucked her because we only had one condom
Holy shit was she a babe. Pic related.
We broke up a month ago and shit has been difficult as fuck. I miss her and still love her so much.
Definitely would do anything to keep her.

>black niggers

Oh shit it worked