Please state the nature of the medical emergency

Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Instructions weren't clear, my dick is stuck in the ship's replicator

That sounds more like an engineering problem. I'll inform B'elanna.

I am in medical need of a holographic sissyboi. Please assist.

oh, oh please inform her, I uh, I got a thing for klingons

There's more than one replicator, and there's not really anything to get your dick stuck in in one.

yes i was out wondering this alien craft and a spider thing jumped on my face

This board is infested with virgins far beyond the normal age. What can be done?

I heard you were having replicator problems?

You seem fine to me. Maybe you're just hallucinating.

Well, sexual relations aren't exactly...discouraged on the ship. Just keep it discreet, preferably in your quarters or the Holodeck.

Oh Shit, your hear, You didn't hear what I said did you?

you're Here*

Doctor my wife is making me fat

Not everything. Why? Is there something I should know?

oh ok back to work

>Your hear
Triggered

I'd recommend you get with Mr. Tuvok and discuss a workout regimen. As for your diet, talk with Mr. Neelix.

Well, of course.

he needs advice on klingon flesh lights, i think he needs a pussy mold if you have time

No, No, anyway I uh, I got my dick stuck in this replicator.

Doctor, they're letting some kid drive the ship again!

Then he'd better replicate one, because I'm already a happily married woman.

*sigh* Let me take a look.
...
Yeah, that's pretty bad. I'll ask Seven if she knows how to fix this.

Hey doc, I got this rash after fooling around with Naomi... is it anything I should be worried about?

Computer, delete program: Emergency Medical Hologram.

Authorization code Janeway-Pi-1-1-0

Can you fix this?

I'm no 'kid.' I'm actually an ex-con.

My pee pee burns

That sounds good to, ill wait for Seven

You realize she's a child, right?!

But captain, I'm working...

It seems you may have contracted an alien STD. Take 400 mg of vexillion, and let me know what happens in 3 hours.

yes, i was on shore leave and this creature attacked me and now im hearing voices. here's a sketch

But, I love my wife's tacos.

Alright, remove the rest of your uniform. We'll begin immediately.

MISTER PARIS. YOU LEFT THE DAMN HOLOGRAM ON AGAIN.HE WONT SHUT THE FUCK UP.TURN HIM OFF NOW

NO NO it'll just make it worse if she shows up

I fell down the stairs and there's a huge crack in my ass.

doctor what are these crusty blisters on my genitals and groin region?

Yeah, that's why I'm concerned.
I thought I'd be in the clear to boink her without worry.
But somehow this rash popped up.
Any other crew members have a rash that looks like this?
>Drops pants
I'd love to know who's been spreading this around.

Shut the fuck up your not the doctor nor the engineer

Oh not to worry, Mister...er...well, never mind. I can make them meat-free.

Ladies/borg first

please be gentle, my baby dick is very sensetive

Removing them now!

What exactly are "stairs?"

Goodness sake, man, take 800mg.

AND WHEN WAS THIS?!

My wife hates you nelix she thinks you jar jar faggot

Doc, gardening is no longer fighting back the urge to stab the crew in the face and stuff them into a conduit.
There has to be something you can do to help?!

Ignore these dumbasses, I'm the actuall user who first asked for help, removing the remaining clothing now.

...

You...all have the same problem?

I think the transporter is on the fritz.

No, and I'm this guy btw

I try to be a good morale officer and chef....

stairs are things that help you reach specific places

i heard she has robots in her pussy, shes evil

just last week

Oh no, you're staying in the Brig.

Please ignore these fakers, im the one in need of help!

pls halp

Seven and i were going to town like a beast and she "accidentally" injected my genitals with nanites. i now have had a painful half assimilated erection for nearly 10 hours now

Doctor Doctor My Stomach hurts, please take a look. And whatever u may find... i swear i felt on that bottle !

(Shoots nelix with kingdom distuptor ) Die Das rat

Me too. Me too.

Hm, this information doesn't exist in my memory banks for some reason...

And you've kept quiet about it since? What if you had spread pathogens to the rest of the crew?

...

You were an improvement

You should have kept it to the Holodeck instead of actually approaching her. You probably scared her and triggered an impulse.

*sigh* alright.......

sorry doc, i just noticed my symptoms. like the voices

ha, you missed!

you need and update

...

...

>times like this, I'm glad I'm a hologram

Right, I'll just plug into the ship's mainframe here and download the update from Starfleet--

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

Yes. Only my problem is worse, since my penis is currently erect.

im starting to think we should replace you

Is there anything I can do to be of assistance, doctor?

that is a problem?

Oh please, put that away.

We're about 62,000 lightyears away from that being possible. I'm sorry Lieutenant, but you're stuck with me.

Preparing ultimate proof this is me

im tired all the time

and i want to die

why what's wrong

Yes, you can leave the ship before you tear it apart at a molecular level again. It's nice to see you, but you've become too dangerous.

Ok seven, proof of my identity, can I get assistance now?

Hewp hmmmmeeeeee....

Talk to me, I can help.

Doc, have you been programmed with relevant techniques to treat psychological illnesses such as gender identity politics disorder, pedophilia or fidget spinner autism syndrome?

Hey doc how do you feel about euthanasia?
I've reached my limit, we have broken the prime directive more times than I can count just so janeway can get her coffee and I can no longer live with myself knowing that we are destabilizing an entire sector of space.
Help me doc, you are my only hope.

Help.

My emergency medical hologram somehow got younger and is turning into a werewolf...

Okay, doctor, but only because you're asking so nicely, and for showing me those dubs before I leave the ship.

I only recognize one of those things...

We've done that once...I should hope we never have to again.

Someone left the Holodeck running again.

doc help i've started to get severe chest pains

Take care, Kes. And thanks again for not nearly killing us all this time.

As with the other crewman, consider a workout regimen from Mr. Tuvok, and a diet change.

My dick fell off

DEAR GOD IT'S GETTING WORSE

Jews control the media.

No she cant, she's already assisting me and my hard on. You'll have to wait.

It was until you showed up. Now if you wouldn't mind helping a guy out?

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, CREWMAN.

Hey Doc access those over 5 million medical documents and scan for the absolute optimum bulking regimen for maximum lean muscle mass gain. I've got to get big by next weekend before my big date with ensign Kim.

I don't know what they told you, but I'm not into that.

help me..

Come on Kim, everyone knows you rikey de eggroll. Who else would have turned down the opportunity to fondle Sevens nines?

I think I'd better power down for now. Tom, you have the sickbay.