Sup /b. I've decided to kill myself. Date, place and method is yet to be decided. Date should be after next week...

Sup /b. I've decided to kill myself. Date, place and method is yet to be decided. Date should be after next week, preferably in June/July, place preferably different country. I'm not here to whine nor looking for attention, I simply think this could make for an interesting thread.

Intro: I'm a 22 old male from Central Europe. I'm a student and work part-time for a big IT corporation. Not a virgin, first sex in 14 (~4 months physical relationship), second partner was one-night stay at 17. Aside from that, two crushes which changed my life (never had sex with them). I have a few close friends, use to hang out with them regularly. I'm not an asocial, though I am an introvert. I have no issue connecting with my co-workers and people from school, though it's usually more about pretending than being actually interested about whatever is on their mind.

Self-diagnosis: schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, insomnia
(Note: The first two, not really, maybe. It's just a way for me to explain some of my behavior. The third and fourth are real)

Reasons for depression: Apparently I am overqualified for everything IT-related and under-qualified for maintaining a healthy relationship. Constantly hurting people I care about the most.

What kept me going for the past years: Work. Working till exhaustion was the only thing keeping myself sane. The only enjoyment in life that no longer interests me.

Motivation for ending my life: No purpose. No enjoyment of life. No challenges.

What was the final push: Me hurting a girl I love.

Other urls found in this thread:

ccpgames.com/careers/
twitter.com/NSFWRedditImage

Plans for near future: Have some money saved since I worked nonstop for the past 6 years (last year had two jobs), probably spending them on traveling. Going this Saturday on a short trip, 4 days, planning to try brothel, why the hell not. Spend some time alone, also meeting two friends I haven't seen in a long time. Next week I have some work to do and I don't want to be an absolute dick by killing myself before finishing that. Afterwards, travel somewhere and kill myself. Say goodbye and sorry to some friends and my last crush. Still hesitant about what should I tell her. Friends will be fine, they knew it was comming for a long time.


So, ask me anything if you want. Have a lot of depressing stories about relationships, work, general disappointment in schools and basically everything.

Dubs says he won't do it

If you were getting kicked out in a week with only 500 and a desire to completely restart what woukd you do?

whoa this was a roller coaster. what? wrong thread?

not sure. I am tired of working. It no longer makes sense. I guess I wouldn't want to do anything else, because I can't. The 500 would probably go to a room in some hotel and alcohol.
No desire to restart.

I have plan.
Are you white?

Can you send me your money b4 you go ? Thanks alot

Don't be stupid.

Shift your perspective.

Build an empire.

Help humanity by establishing eugenic measures to diminish k-strategist procreation.

People fought for your life, use it.

Shift your perspective and invest all you got in making some small part of the world better.

I recommend helping to build a state founded on eugenic principles.

go to a trump rally

get near the front stab your self or slit your self in front of every one while saying blood for the blood god

you will be world famous

Yea

I am white and listening

Not sure how I'll stand on my balance but I could certainly do that

I remember this post, pic related. Sounds nice on paper and I actually thought about it years ago, but now I'd rather not. I am really down and not sure I want to do anything except for ending it. That's why I'm going on a short trip to neighboring country - I have some friends there, I can find peace there (for short time). Anything more than that seems like a hassle to me and I don't see reason why I'd do it.

that would include going to murica, see ^

Climb up onto a major bridge just before rush hour, theyll be forced to close the bridge and divert traffic, wait up there all day until the evening rush hour. What comes after that is your choice, this would just have a ton of societal impact. (the bridge in a city near me is used by ridiculously wealthy people on their commute, hence the petty here)

or ya know, you could find a hobby to focus your attention on

Try doing the Camino de Santiago, some say it can change the way you see life

Good. You must go into black,Latino, and all other minority towns and impregnate as many women as possible.

Become a drug dealer instead. You'll get to finish the new Rick and Morty.

Hitler and Steve Jobs both attempted suicide before they did all that crazy shit.

Actually I don't feel like making life worse for others just because I can't live with myself.

My hobby was programming. I invested half of my life into it. I'm good at it but it's still not enough for me. Work in the past two months went to shit, I barely did anything. Project is no longer entertaining, weekly work can be done in like 10 minutes. Never been so bored in my life.

Drug dealing, meh. Imagine going to prison, I'd have to live and not do a single shit whole day, just spread my asscheeks. pass.
But R&M kind of seems worth waiting. I also thought that star wars would be, but seems pointless now. Was disappointed with VII.

Neither one of them is my idol. Hitler fucked up massively, his plan backfired. Jobs invented modern day slavery

Why don't you make a game based on your feelings? You have skills and nowadays gamers are looking for deep and emotional games. Also you can meet new people and earn a lot of money.

A game about shitty life?

Btw wanted to make a game, had an idea for mmorpg (stop laughing), something isometric, with "real" economy (meaning some events affect cost of things), world-wide events that could potentially lead to some fucked up shit. Think Cardinal from SAO. Certainly doable.
I don't have skillset to make a game though. For this one, networking would be backend issue. I read a lot on this topic and could possibly create something working. But playable graphical frontend? No way. I also don't know anyone who'd be interested in doing something like this.

You were talking about simpler game though. With story and pretty graphics, basically serverless game. Thing is, my main thing is server side.

Plus, I wouldn't be able to do it for free. If a company hired me to make this shit, I'd gladly go for it. But I don't see that happening

tl;dr

The thing that bothers me the most is that I wasted so much time of my life in school, learning nothing. The college I go to is a fucking joke and waste of time, but everybody pushes me into finishing it, because in this shithole country, degree is all people care about. At work I constantly meet people dumb as shit but they are "respected" in a sense, because they sat their asses for years.
I don't spend more time than necessary on school things, but I have to be there ~8 hours a week not doing shit, which is really tiresome for me and after I get home I have to work on assignments, which are in general easy, but I can't bring myself to do bare minimum on them. I always tried my best despite not caring about it at all.

The time spent this way is a time I couldn't spend on things I enjoy and I feel like I am lagging behind. Not behind my peers, but myself. I am so disgusted with it all that I literally see no reason to keep going

I was thinking of doing the same thing, so report back before killing your self.

Ever thought about getting a job at CCP games?

ccpgames.com/careers/

>Self-diagnosis:
I'm out of words to describe the joy I am feeling that you will kill yourself, because that's precisely the advice I give anyone that "self-diagnoses".

>doing the same thing
killing myself or what do you mean?

btw Reykjavik sounds really nice, I actually wanted to go there for a visit but I don't even have a driver's license, heard its hard to get around the island without having one. Just checked open positions there, not much.

finally kind words, thanks!
the self-diagnosis part was kind of a joke, I hoped somebody would ask me about it, but it's also ok with me if this is enough for you to make a picture

>A game about shitty life?

Isn't that the premise of Life Is Strange?

you got me there

Suicide, I'm not really a travel guy, unless it's to see people.

What are your travel plans by the way, country wise and where are you traveling from?

I'm not a travel guy either. I haven't been outside of the country for the past 5 years. As I said, central europe, don't really want to be more specific.
I'd rather go north from here than south, although a friend invited me to go to Italy this summer and I'm thinking of going. Have no-one to go with otherwise, so I might just go alone.

Destination will probably depend on flight and airbnb deals. If I'll be too lazy, I'll just go to the next country and do it there

In which country are you living now?

uuhhh, schizophrenic here

you'd know for sure if you have it, so if you're unsure, you probably don't

maybe its different for other people, but when it first started for me I had pretty basic symptoms like, insomnia, sometimes i'd hear people outside my room that weren't there (like having full on conversations) then it got to delusions

but at that point I didn't want to believe I had it, but once I got to full on delusions and psychosis I couldn't deny it

sorry for shitty writing format

Do Italy, if by north you are thinking Scandinavia, it's nice enough here, but the rest of Europe have bigger castles and actual mountains.

too much shit goin on to do it tonight eh?
you're not alone faggot

Don't kill yourself mate, thats just a waste, a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Theres so much you could do, you just need inspiration. Once you start travelling and you've spent all your money why not rough it?

Spend the last of your money on some decent clothes to keep you warm and just start walking, see where you end up. After all, the worst that can happen to you is an ealy death.

...

Don't even worry about crushes/girls. They're a waste of time and effort anyway with no real benefits. What could you have possibly done to some girl to push you over the edge?

I've made up my mind about killing myself. I just want to try some things first. I guess.
Plus, next friday I am going to a highscool to teach faggots programming, could actually be fun (but not something I'd do ever again).
I'm in no hurry, though I'd like to be done this or next month

thinking more about short walks, maybe some night life. hiking is not for me. I'd like to avoid high temperatures, that's why I'd rather choose north

it's not temporary if it lasts years. I can't see how my life gets better. I tried, but at the end of the day, I am my worst enemy

love this sort of posts

feel bad for you, m8. I didn't want to mock the illness. as I said in first post, it's just a way I like to explain my behavior to myself. like part of me trying to lead a social life, pleasing everyone, while the other one would rather sit in front of computer coding some shit. result of the two worlds colliding is my increased lust for alcohol

North is getting pretty hot, just got home from Norway.

You're a huge faggot
>say Goodbye to Friends and crush
Just man up, stop craving for fucking attention.

This

I wanted to give you an honest answer but it makes me sound like a cuck
Basically, she is the best thing that happened to me, time I spent with her was the most enjoyable thing in my life.
not going into detail, I misjudged situation, hurt her. I would be "ok" if she was just mad at me, but it made her sad as shit and considering I spent the last half a year trying to make her feel happier, I did a really shit job and I realized this was my best effort to not fuck things up

I don't know man, I think I have it figured out. You really think this is craving attention? To part with people I care about?

Where are you located OP?

central europe I don't have a thing for black women

Do you really think that killing yourself will make her feel better?

Where exactly in Central Europe?...

This

I'm pretty sure no. I do realize that.

I'd rather not disclose, why do you ask?

I don't think there is any other thing I can do for her except from disappearing from her life.

That, though, is not the only reason why I decided to kill myself, as I stated previously. Its just thing that gave me the final kick.

did you hit her ? physically I mean ?

C'mon user, just tell us what happened and how did you hurt her. It may actually be bullshit.

You don't have to kill yourself to disappear from her life.

it is a bullshit and it does not even matter at this point
and no, not physically. I am incapable of physical violence

did you even read the second part?

>WHy so you ask?
Out of mere interest. Wont you even Tell the Country?

Death. Why rush the inevitable?

do you have any hobbies OP?

answered it here it lost the spark for me though. I may have overworked myself
or maybe it's the pointlessness of it

whatever. slovakia

best answer so far!

how did you hurt your loved one ?

If it doesn't matter, why even bother ?

> self diagnosis : schyzophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, insomnia

you know all of those are just the symptoms of an unchecked depression, right ? Just get help, dude. My girlfriend had the exact symptoms, because of way worse shit, and she is now in better shape thanks to her meds.

I'm not saying something like "you're a wuss" or anything, just get help before doing anything rash. Also, you should just start over, dude. I'm also IT, and i can tell you that you might as well go for some humanitarian for a year or w/e will change your mind a bit, while taking whatever meds you will have.

>cont.

Also just tell your girlfriend all the truth about your situation. The shit you're telling us now, is the shit you're supposed to tell HER first. If she really cares, she'll be understanding and you might end up mending this wound. If she doesn't, she'll let you die in a corner, and then you'll realize that being dependent on her is what brought you to this shit in the first place.

>Motivation for ending my life: No purpose. No enjoyment of life. No challenges.

That's depression talking, you fucking faggot. Get help. Both medicinal and emotional. Be it from your close friends (don't push them too much though), and your girlfriend if she actually cares.

Said it better than I ever could

to be fair, I'd rather die that suppress my mind with pills. I already feel like living in a jail, why would I put an extra layer

indeed he did, however I never said she was my girlfriend. I said crush. we didn't "date" (read kiss, fuck).

>That's depression talking, you fucking faggot
Made me chuckle. I know that's depression talking.

I know you are right, I just feel it doesn't matter. This isn't the first time I feel this way, but sure as hell first time I realized I am living in a loop.
Thank you for trying to help

Go to Iraq with the YPGs or Peshmerga and at least do something until your death...

I could, but I don't give a single fuck about what's going down in iraq

How long have you been suicidal?
How was your childhood?

Naw b start qualifying yourself for getting pussy. Not worth jumping off a building.

Don't forget to livestream. I doubt you have the balls though.

Seriously OP, pick up a drug habit. If you truly think your life should end, some cocaine won't hurt you in the long run. Stop by a brothel in Amsterdam and force yourself to have a few good nights

Please, please kill a few politicians before you go.

Do it like art. I dream about a suicide where my blood splash all over the place in a specific way.and then i dont want to die because my fantasy is so fantastic that i go on

Even if it lasts years then its still temporary. People might spend all 18 years of their youth in total misery and still lead a good life later on. With real insomnia you probably would have died by now if it had been going for more than a year. If you have real depression then go to someone who can help you.
Jesus fuck depression isn't something with which you can think straight. If you think that right now suicide is the logical option, visit someone who can help. And if you get over the depression you will see what a stupid thought it was.

OP, have you ever considered to visit a psychiatrist?
Depression is easy to relive, you need som sleep and many pills works great with that.
Why cant you sleep? anxiety and lot of thoughts in the evening or are you waking up constantly at 4 o clock and you have black thoughts?
It is stupid to choose die rather than take pills 3-6 months.
Sorry for english, not my native.

hard to tell exactly, but my first completely fucked up memory was from when I was 15, so I guess it was around that time (the girl I slept with was a psycho, found out after we broke up). Overall, the highscool sucked, people were stupid as shit, I thought it would get better with time but it did not (people are still mostly stupid as shit)

was originally thinking about it, but I still don't know how I'll do it. guns aren't that easy to come by here

thought about it, we have a few decent candidates here, but that'd make them martyrs, right? think hitler and jews

on one thread a long time ago I mentioned I'd like to have a white sheet/canvas behind be and shoot myself in the head so that the brain get stuck on the sheet. leave a note saying that it should be sold on ebay and money donated somewhere. but as I said above, getting gun here is hard, not sure where I could get one without permit

alcohol, nicotine and weed are somehow enough for me. can't explain it, I know I have nothing to lose, but it isn't appealing to me

Your Mind is suppressing itself. You arent thinking straight. You might need meds to free you, but maybe a few good sessions are enough to straighten you.

wait i have an idear! what if you life a life for Sup Forums only for our joy?

>le intelligent person depressed because people are stoopid and the world sux
You honestly sound like a faggot

Too much of any one thing is a bad thing. Just as any substance in excess can kill you (even water), likewise, any one activity taken to extreme can kill your spirit, your motivation, and your will to live. While you may be the most skilled IT professional in Europe, if you neglect the other areas of your life for too long, it will end in tears...

You really need to make an effort to fill your life with non IT-related activities. Spend some time outdoors, meet new people, maybe take a second part-time job that isn't related to IT. Since you are clearly a motivated, driven person - a second job should pose no special challenge to you, and I believe will allow your time to decompress and greatly reduce your stress levels by allowing you time to broaden your skills.

You must make an effort to spend time socializing. You are effectively a relationship virgin, since your primary relationship lasted only 4 months at 14 - far too brief and at too young an age to form a lasting bond. There are many fish in the ocean, and you can be assured that there is one out there meant just for you. Cast your net wide, and search for that special person. Just like in IT, success is often achieved with little more than persistence and patience.

not a premature waker, I have troubles falling asleep. thinking about stuff.
+ I have moments of clarity, when I focus on my job I can be clear headed

right? imagine living with this faggot. you'd want to kill yourself as well

best post hands down. the advice is really good, much better than taking pills.
thing is, I tried doing something else, but always failed on the fact that it seems counterproductive to me to /not/ spend time learning more IT stuff.
Really hard to describe

forgot to say I'm planing to visit brothel this saturday. probably will be disappointed but it's one of the things I want to try

I fucking hate people who think that suicide is the way to go while recognizing that they are fucking depressed.
"I dont wanna suppress my mind."
If you have fucking cancer you dont go:"Well I dont wanna stop my body from growing", if you puke and shit for 4 days straight and you might die you dont fucking deny an IV drop because: " oh I dont wanna suppress my body from doing what it has to do." Your body might be actively rejecting everything inside of you, but actively ignoring its wish to eject everything by using an IV drop to feed you isnt wrong. It is necessary because your body is flawed under certain circumstances.
Just go get help you asshole, and stop whining because other people are stupid and you dont like them.

>but always failed on the fact that it seems counterproductive to me to /not/ spend time learning more IT stuff.
Are you serious. Of course some things are counterproductive, but life isn't about being productive especially not if you want to kill yourself. (Not everything besides IT is counterproductive just because it is what you are best at)

thanks
I have a lot to thing about.

Do you even know how many people have problems sleeping because they think about stuff? That doesn't make is insomnia, i couldnt sleep well for the first 16 years of my life. Your problems are so petty, like the depression nearly everyone gets during their puberty. But you are fucking 22 mate, you are still a child. You JUST passed puberty, males grow until their are 21 and that is statistically the average. You haven't experience shit but think that after you have lived a measly year as an adult that suicide is the only way? If you were 40 with these problems I could understand that you have your reasons.
But you are 22, and if you seriously get help you will look back with 23 or 24 and cringe at the thought of what a fucking kid you were.

See op, your problem is that you brood so much about your life that you think you captured everything an are fully aware whats going on in your life. In addition you feel like a smart guy which may well be true. But because of these two things you are in a shell, in your own explanation of life and problems and not one can tell you else because you think youve already considered everything. Thats what people mean with "not seeing the wood for the trees". Do you think you will view life the same as now in 10 years? Do you know whats important for a child, a woman or a mother? Not the same things for sure, even if its the same persons life.

Whats now verity to you is just a snapshot of your mind. Even if you think nothing will change, it will. Thought the same at one point in my life so I can relate.

But in the end its up to you, keep your head up my nigger

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome

Shit almost killed me when I had a depression, try taking time off and don't go to bed until you feel tired and can fall right asleep, and SSRI anti depression drugs can be a fucking trip worth a try.

But I get wanting to end it all, my health is not great, dealing with a fair bit of daily pain hope I have the guts before I am physical unable.

>it seems counterproductive to me to /not/ spend time learning more IT stuff.

Living a productive and rewarding life is not just about mastering one single aspect of it. Why not diversify your focus and master more than one area? Each aspect of your life requires some degree of attention and these aspects are not mutually exclusive.

Follow up. Literally every single one of my friends have had "depression" when they were young. And while some get over it early, some drag this existential crisis with them for much longer. I myself had it for a long time, but after I got over it I realized how petty my problems were and what a drama queen I had been.
You are so young, don't waste your life just yet. From the perspective of old people things like these look like a kid complaining about homework and some mean children in elementary school. The only difference being that you take into consideration the very real problem of ENDING YOUR LIFE.
Just wait, wait till you have tried literally everything else you can possibly try.

Before you kill yourself, take some niggers and arabs with you.

Kill at least 5.
Dont go on a stabbing spree.
Just do one in secret and then move on to another part of town do one and so forth.

You could kill 20 in a day.

Thats some grade A advice right here.

>Self-diagnosis

Self-diagnosis
Self-diagnosis
Self-diagnosis
Self-diagnosis
Self-diagnosis
Self-diagnosis

...

wtf is wrong with you

>U
He's a master mind.

This. Op please read it. Especially
>Do you know whats important for a child, a woman or a mother?
You dont have to be a mother to have completely different priorities but it so beautifully emphasizes the point. How I see myself has been changing these past few years now and every year I look back at myself and cringe at how immature I acted last year and how i thought I had everything figured out.

Take a hard long look at yourself. Get out of your bubble. Seriously dude. This can literally save your life.

Instead of being selfish he could help the world be a better place by removing some cancer before he goes.

also you are a faggot with hurt feelings
kiss my balls

pic related

assuming the same guy, thanks

I am actually always tired. sometimes I fall asleep at noon and I sleep for like one hour, then I can't sleep at night at all

I'll see how my trip goes and any of the possibly following ones. I won't seek professional help. let's see what happens

kill some arabs and niggers.

You will feel like a new person.
You will give yourself new life by taking it from immigrants

> I'll not pray for you, but I'll think about the guy who liked Rick & Morty.

Do what you want. That's the rule.

Then just sleep, if you can sleep then sleep, if you can't don't lie in bed, not saying do something, but never just lay there thinking about BS that makes you feel bad, it is BS and it does make you feel bad, so don't spend time on it, so what if you don't sleep at night?

simple, if I don't sleep at night, I cant focus on work during day

I hope you read Do NOT ignore it. Take it to fucking heart. Im not even the poster but everything he says is important.

> Reasons for depression: Apparently I am overqualified for everything IT-related
No you are not. IT contains a multitude of technologies.

> under-qualified for maintaining a healthy relationship
The reason most relationships fail is because 1. people do not know themselves and 2. they have not learned the skills needed to maintain a healthy relationship with others

> No purpose
None of us are born with purpose we have to make purpose. All we are obligated to do on this spinning rock is to survive.

> No enjoyment of life
Stop doing the same things you always do. Be spontaenous.

> No challenges.
I read you don't believe you can make a game because the frontend is too hard. Sounds like a challenge.

> hurting a girl I love.
You do not know what love is. If you did you wouldn't be talking about killing yourself.

At twenty-something there is a lot for you to learn, handling guilt and learning to forgive yourself being somewhere at the top.

Its up to you on the suicide but at least wait a couple of years so you dont miss Black Widow try to headscissors Thanos only to get thrown into the fucking sun.