Life story, existential crisis

Life story, existential crisis
>be me
>drinking heavily since age 15
>just barely scraping by to appease society
>finish probation at 19, drinking heavily the entire time
>still hold steady, dead end jobs
>never be passionate about anything
>never feel love
>turn 21
>meet girl (she's clean 11 months, ex-heroin addict)
>few weeks of hanging with me, she starts using again
>we start shooting coke together, then heroin and coke
>spend a year shooting drugs, stealing stuff, crossing the country, and living in a car
>watch her become hooker in FL
>decide it's time to stop
>go home to NJ
>get locked up for 5 months
>get sentenced to super intense probation
>go to 6 month rehab
>4 month halfway house
>go home to grandparents
>have full-time job
>have beautiful, successful girlfriend
>got license, car back
>people trust me
>moving forward, doing the right thing
>still hate life
Why? What is the end game here? Why is this shit supposed to make me happy? I don't care about owning a house, having a family, people liking me, having a job, etc.
I don't want this shit. Why? Why am I doing this? Why should I care? When I finish this probation, I don't picture myself continuing this. Why am I being conditioned to want this and why are so many people content with this?

Itll get worse if you keep thinking about it.

Just find something you like to do and occupy your time with it.

Or fall into despair... the world doesn't care either way. Strive for greatness and make a difference. Or dont. It ur choice

Why are people happy living this way?

Okay, so:

1. Happiness is invented to sell you product. It's just "joy", and healthiness mixed together.

2. You fucked yourself pretty hard with the drugs - they reduce your dopamine (etc) sensitivity and response.

You could ask a doctor/shrink to prescribe you something to increase your happy neurotransmitters. But, it is better to wait until your transmitters regenerate by themselves (if you did meth or certain drugs it might take forever, 2 years is nominal for heroin)

Other than that: be fucking proud man! You went in the deep end and walked out.

Feel ur pain heavy op. Same shit going on rather than some semantics. In rehab now. Second time. Do fine on paper but I get off and then it's just fuck it. Caught more charges. Lifes a bitch and then you die i guess...

find a hobby or otherwise something you enjoy doing that isn't drugs/alchohol. it's all in your state of mind. if you always think "man everything is shit" then everything will be shit. if you appreciate the little shit and try to appreciate life, it gets better.

Also, "health" is a marketing term 99% of the time!

Sugar especially will fuck you bigtime. It's just too triggering for your digestive system.

So look up "glycemic index" and avoid anything with a high index.

Basically: eat more fat, more meat/fish, learn to cook with shittons of veggies and eggs. And forget about candy, ever. After a while (a few months) all this "lame tasting" food will taste as good as candy does now.

The mind is a fucked up thing.

Because people are.

It isn't really. If there is no God or w/e, then life is more or less meaningless. You beat this by giving life some kind of meaning. Even if its being 'average' or 'moderate'. Simply making something in your life 'your own' goes great strides. Donate to a charity or something like that if you want to. Sentience is a human being's greatest gift and greatest terror.

It's not a choice.

Life is optimising your bottomline something, and you never do by dying.

God dealt us a hand of cards, play.

Not everyone wants the same thing. So you don't want the regular life, but plenty of people do. They want that life protected. So the majority of them create societal laws and morals to protect that way of life. You step outside that system, and take from them property or people. This makes them unhappy, you get locked up. You expect others to feel sorry for you or accept your view as valid, but your actions say you won't do the same for them, so you get probation. People want to know those around them feel the same, the they feel comfortable you, so you go to rehab and get your "shit" together.

2 years? God damn... it's been 17 months so, hopefully it gets better.

You have a phone in rehab? Must be a nicer one.
What are your charges? I'm on Drug Court for 2nd degree robbery.

Been playing guitar, I find comfort in that.

I think maybe I need to find some sober/musical friends... maybe that'd help

I am 19 months clean, ex heroin addict.
Help someone. Your life will feel meaningless if you waste it. Get involved with other people's lives. I walk addicts like you and myself through a program and the one true joy I can consistently come back to is watching these men grow up and embrace their lives.
You are not the alpha and omega. You are a man amongst men.

Life isn't fun, everyone has a vice and anyone who doesn't kills themselves. Find a better vice. Work is the one people think is good for you, but I like gambling a lot more.

Sounds like it's time to pull the trigger there amigo

This advice might sound harsh, but I think you need to hear it. You have to make your own happiness. If something isn't making you happy, don't do it. You're putting your emotions into superficial things, and that's a really horrible thing to do.

Do some major self reflection and figure out what you want to do. Keep in mind, however, that you should remember what alcohol and drugs do to you. Stay sober, stay out of trouble, but find what makes you happy in a positive way and go do it.

Seek a psychiatrist, they can help you a lot.

Ignore this
Listen to this

You don't have to live this life, you can go back on the road, with your hooker. but something brought you back. It'd be best not to live a lie though. So before you proceed. Take time, a year or two. Try to hit a base line before going either way. If you decide to hit the road, just don't fuck up other peoples "dream" or you'll be right back in lock up.

I see where you're coming from. I've yet to find a niche in these fellowships. I feel as though I've done all the right things, but without results.

Time sounds good... sounds comforting

The only answer to why is what you want it to be. Then it has to fit into a larger part of what everyone wants it to be, and so on. Plenty of people live on the fringes, do fine and are happy. More people subscribe to the "dreaM" tho.

you are not alone in feeling this way, but don't let this feeling control you.

everyone feels this way at some point in their life, not sure drug addicts.Life really is meaningless if you give it no meaning, so find out what you truly want and do what ever you need to do to get it, that will give your life meaning and you'll stop thinking about all the existential bull shit