Ok Sup Forums settle in, this is going to be a long one. I’m feeling very down tonight, more than the usual everyday down. I’ll tell you what happened to trigger this shit that I have successfully bottled down and only release myself once in a while at 3am by having panic attacks and crying. Was sitting at a caffe where a friend of mine works. All of the sudden he shows me this pic of a girl I really made a connection with (you’ll see later why thats important), she is one of the most beautiful people I know, and she just had her tongue pierced, and all of a sudden this gigantic shitstorm of emotions came over me, I ran out of the caffe and came home. I’m about to tell you a story, my story. A story of life,love and eventually, like everything, tragedy and amazing sadness. I prewrote some of this. Green text coming. Also general feels thread.Pic related - kinda looks like the girl youre about to meet
Ok Sup Forums settle in, this is going to be a long one. I’m feeling very down tonight...
1/12
>born in a shitty balkan country filled with nationalism and hate and general ignorance in people
>lived in a kind of shitty part of town, but it was the only place where most people got along no matter the stupid shit.
>like most of us here, I was the weird kid, in the sense that I was a big introvert and found having friends and talking to them was exhausting, so I stayed away from most people
>at the age when I started going out on my own (around 4) I met my neighbor that lived a story below me (we’re going to call her Lola)
>while everyone was out and about, kicking a ball, and doing normal kid stuff, I just sat there and watched
> she starts sitting down next to me, we didn’t even talk for 2 weeks, but this was the beginning of the most amazing friendship and love I have ever felt
>Lola was a year older than me, and she was just the sweetest little girl, it seemed like she completely understood my introvert personality and never was to much of a burden
> she was a child of an Albanian father and Macedonian mother (something quite taboo here), the fact that she existed was enough to make all 4 of her grandparents hate her, make her father leave them when she was 3, and made her mother an emotional wreak of a person
>one day when I was about six (I had just started kindergarden) she invites me to her place to play some games-we spent the entire day playing tekken 3 on her brothers PS. After that we saw each other everyday
2/12
>this continues for a long time
>finally 5th grade so I get to see her again in school
>through some loop hole in the system she was 2 years ahead of me instead of one, never really understood it
>Everyday I wait for her to come out an we’d walk together in school, we’d mostly skip the first period and get some drinks and smokes (I started smoking when I was in 5th grade)
> Eventually she becomes the only person I really enjoy talking to, and that leads to her being my only real friend
>constantly at eachothers house playing vidya and/or reading and practicing english with eachother
>Around this time I get to know her brother. He’s a very cool guy, has his group of friends and they are all so smart and not like everyone else
>They had a garage that they had converted into this wonderland of games and place to chill
>Eventually they take the PS there so we get invited to play there and hang with them
>they were 5-8 years older than me
>get to know the crew, which introduced me and Lola to all kinds of new music, art, books etc
>best guys ever
>early teen life is great Sup Forums
Hold on guys, things are about to get hot
3/12
>Be 7th grade
>don’t see Lola at school anymore but we still hang out all the time outside it
>one day were playing mario kart
>i get angry that she beat me (have to admit here, I mostly let her beat me because her smile was the most amazing thing in the world, by this point, I was in love with her and no idea or social skill on how to act on it)
>start play wrestling her like we so often did (oh the preteen memories)
>suddenly she stops and kisses me
>i was dumbfounded, didn’t know how to react, blushed like an idiot still in awe, and ran out
>i didnt see her for 3 days after that
> she comes knocking on my door trying to apologize
>i somehow get the guts to tell her how I feel, and she smiles
>that smile….Sup Forums I remember it clear as day.
>By this time I was 14, and she was 15 and we were dating in a way
>She was the stereotypical nerdy goth girl. Always wore black, jeans, Martens boots the whole deal.
>Never could see her body if not on her PJ’s or smth else, but she was a goddess Sup Forums, her short black hair, that went ever so well with her beautiful dark blue eyes are something that are embedded in me in a way I will never understand.
4/
>15th birthday
>Her bro invites us to tag along with his crew to a lake for a weekend
>Having minor beach party for the event (they threw it for me, I kinda never thought birthdays were big deals)
>Lola knew this, so that day she acted like she completely forgot or that it wasnt a big deal
>Kinda like that she understands me but at the same time mad because shes the closest person to me and hasnt wished me a happy birthday yet.
> Chilling to some ACDC on the beach with a small fire, she grabs my hand and tells me its time for my present
>thisisit.jpg
>I knew where this was headed.
>All the way to the hotel room all I could think of was how im going to do every position ive seen from all the fucked up porn since I was 8 (we were both very dark people and watched a lot of shit together, the kind of shit that makes you laugh at 2girls1cup and the jar guy)
>go in our room, start kissing the hardest weve ever kissed, these were not our normal make out sessions, these were passionate kisses.
>she gets me down to my boxers, does the same with herself
>i start kissing and remember what her brother always told me “ a true gentleman goes down on his girl” so I do. Was down there for 10 minutes and she came
>Penetration time, still filled with excitement
>ITSIN.png
>knees weak, arms heavy
>cum in 20 seconds
>Lay in bed cuddling till morning
So glad her brother told me what to do with girls otherwise I woudlve felt sorry for her
5/
>by this point we’re two horny teenagers doing It everywhere we could
>trying out new stuff everyday
>she tells me her fetishes, I tell her mine
>She is extremely submissive and does everything I ask
>best years of my life, I was 16 having sex anywhere between 2 to 10 times a day
>We got caught many times by my parents and her bro
>Her bro is cool af and he is happy she’s with me and not with someone else, my parents on the other hand were not as pleased but they couldnt stop two horny teenagers going at it
>The garage by this point is our room, we spend days sleeping there, even got some ropes and stuff for the kinky shit we did
>her brother and his crew dont show up as much, we still see them at parties and shit but they keep to themselves
>find out theyre doing drugs, her bro (which was my best friend and mentor, I considered him as an older brother aswell) is on heroin.
>ohshit.webm
>we’re used to junkies everywhere here so we know how it will end
And this Sup Forums is where the shitstorm begins
6/12
>The “honeymoon” part of our relationship, where we were fucking all the time and getting closer and closer to eachother didnt last long before the problems started
>We were both of the idea that monogamy is a social construct and that we could see other people if we wanted to, I am not a jealous guy at all and was completely fine with her bringing “friends” over
>We were both bi, so threesomes were a very usual thing for us
>But people got to attached to her, as I said she was a goddess and not many people could resist her
I wont name specific situations because there are many but – people getting angry when I kissed her, beating me up, being rough with her and shit. But one day some shithead had took it too far and she was really hurt emotionally (this is the first time she showed signs of severe fucked-up’dness)
>I dont mind her fucking with other people but if you hurt her im going to hurt you
>Tell her bro and what I plan to do, he slaps me like a father trying to discipline his child
>tells me not to worry hes got it covered, I shouldnt get caught up in the things everyone else was
>week later se the guy with wheelchair, he had broken all his limbs and removed some teeth
>from that day I was kind of scared her bro, you could see he is changing and not just in the physical sense, but he was getting more aggressive and stuff
7/12
>5 am
>cuddling with Lola in the garage
>suddenly loud knocks and panic at the door
>open up, see brothers friends holding him
>foaming out of mouth
>shaking
>im the only one that actually thinks straight and calls an ambulance
>Lola is in the corner covering her eyes and ears in the fetal position (I almost cried when I saw her like that)
>everyone is panicking and yelling, brother still shaking
>suddenly he stops and I knew that that was it
>Lola screams loudly I go to her and try to calm her down, it doesnt work, shes hysterical
>Ambulance arrives 20 minutes later, confirms death
8/12
>A month passes, Lola’s mother is devoid of any emotion, shes a robot now
>Lola trying to hold up but she is very fucked up by the deal
>i cry everynight because he was the best guy ever, the father I never had
>Lola goes to therapy, gets pills
Ahh the pills, fuck them and for what they did to my precious Lola
>Shes distant like never before
>emotionally numb and doesnt say much
>keeps brushing me off, still lets me hug and chill with her tho
>shes in a very bad state, I couldnt recognize her anymore
>all her thoughts that I loved, all the vibrant energy she had was gone, she was an empty shell
>Eventually start growing apart, still see her everyday and basically living at her place now but I go out with different people and stuff
>Months go by situation hasnt changed, beg her to stop taking the pills, she doesnt even care about what I say anymore
>Slowly she starts avoiding physical contact with anyone
>wont let me hold her
>this kills me like nothing has ever done that far, I cant put into words how much I wanted to hug her
>One day I go to her place and she tells me to go, that she doesnt want me there
> the pain….that is probably the last thing I really felt emotionally since then
9/12
>slowly start going out with lost brothers friends
>they introduce me to some people
>go to local rock gigs and raves
>get into ectasy and stuff, nothing serious tho, im still afraid of needles due to her brothers death
>having general fun time, but really nothing inside
>Hook up regularly with an older chick (she was 22 I was 17)
>Life seemed well but I was just deprived of anything, I dint feel happy, sad, mad or anything, all I felt was a yearning for Lola which by this point I hadn’t seen in weeks (the longest time since we were 4)
>One night at a party
>chilling with some people
>quite drunk, the older chick was there and we were flirting/making out – usual stuff
>Lola shows up
>It was like movies portray mother marry, she was glowing in a nightclub, her beautiful eyes all red from crying, black long sleeve shirt, destroyed jeans and the boots, most beautiful thing ever
This is the night everything goes haywire guys
...
...
...
...
...
Appreciate it but porn doesnt do it for me
10/12
>By this time i’ve hung out with “normies” for so long that ive developed some traits I didnt want (egoistic as fuck)
>She comes, beggs me to come with her and play vidya
>Me the idiot that I am, ego level over 9000 say no, she cant not speak to me and close the door to my face and then expect me to come back like that
>She starts crying
Pause – as im writing this, I havent told anyone this story before, im crying like an idiot, I cried so hard I threw up, what is wrong Sup Forums, how can I stop this, I dont like this. Someone told me writing it out would help but this is terrible. Too broke to drink or take something tonight, please, how do you stop these feelings.
>Begging me telling me she needs me
> I dont listen and tell her to fuck off (NO YOU IDIOT GO HUG HER)
>STOP YOURE MAKING A HUGE MSITAKE GO WITH HER
>she looks at me with a look of complete sadness and disappointment
>turns away running and crying
>i continue to party bashing her
In hindsight this is the lowest point of my life ever, nothing will ever compare to what I feel when remembering this, it makes me want to rip my soul out, makes me want to turn myself in somwhere for punishment
...
...
11/12
>Go to older chicks house that night (she lived a couple of kilometers from where I did)
>Normal niight, drunken fun
>morning comes, drink coffe sober up, smoke kiss her goodbye and on my way to home
>feeling pretty good about myself, thinking I had my fun, now ill go and talk to Lola and make her beg me to come back (oh you idiot, oh you heartless cunt)
>it was about 10 am, go to garage she isnt there (Weird because she and her mother had a falling down after bros death and they couldnt stand eachother)
>Go to her apartment, door open as usual walk in see her mother just standing there, not responding at all
>this feeling of dread and panic overtakes me as I begin to suspect the worse
>go to her room, not there
>ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit
>plsno plsno plsno ill do anything pls no
...
...
...
This shit fits perfectly for how i feel most days.
Well Sup Forums, I wanted to keep this short because it will take me ages to describe you the complexity of the creature that was Lola. She was a romantic, she hated most peoples ideology but loved the people themselves, always trying her hardest to educate and please others, yet she was fixated on having a look most people would associate with drugs and stuff (pierced nose tongue,clit, tatoos etc, which was very hot on her).by now you should know that she had killed herself, now im going to describe you the way she had done it. She wanted to make an impact even after she was dead and by god she did (for me at least)
>Go to bathroom and see the scene before me
>At first its all a huge blur of blood and water and me panicking and crying
>Then I see a note (more like an essay, this girl couldn’t just leave a note she had written paragraphs)
>Huge slit down her vein, bath almost all blood
This is Lola at her best, we were both into blood and cutting and bruising eachother, but what she had left me after I abandoned her is the most amazing fucked up thing that only she could.
>White face, blue lips, and the mouth...oh her mouth and her amazing smile that will never be seen again, filled with blood, as a last kiss, a kiss filled with the thing we enjoyed doing
>she had slit her vein and stored a lot of blood on her mouth, there were lines of blood going from her mouth downards twoards her body like the many horror movies and sick porn weve enjoyed together.
>Even at death Lola was a hopeless romantic and aimed to please me one last time
...
...
The Aftermath:
After that day I did not speak for a month straight, to anyone about anything, not a single word. I didnt even think, I was just existing, eating and drinking enough so I dont die, and sitting alone in the garage doing nothing except being. Many of the “Crew” tried to come and talk to me, but It was no use. After that I started getting around to functioning again. I’m still to this day fucked up and cant make connections with people (thats why the picutre of the girl that triggered this was important, she was the only person since then that I was able to talk to, and then she stopped for some reason, I havent heard from her in 8 months). My parents did not know what to do, I was and still am emotionless, I try my hardest to be a sociopath. Tried an heroing many times but never had the guts for it. Writing this has been such a relief, most ive had in a long time. I cried till I puked, I sat in the corner for hours wondering if I should continue. I thank you all for tuning in. I’m going to be lurking on here, hoping that I can somehow forget this. I’ve burned the few photos I have of her but I can still remember her clearly.
...
...
...
...
Pic related-the last page of Lola's suicide note- Translation:
Don't worry - be good.
Thanks for making me feel good, thanks for giving me a beautiful life, i love you so much that you will never be able to understand, sorry for doing this to you. Yours forever
-Lola
burned all the rest out of rage, wish i hadn't.
Whatever happened to shitpost wew lad? When did Sup Forums stop doing that?
Hey OP, hope you find something that helps you move on man. You cant blame yourself for her death or anything, it was ultimately her decision even though you blew her off.
...
No offense, OP, but this sounds really fake and gay, moreso than most greentexts.
Then again, life does tend to be stranger than fiction.
I think it sounds like that cause he doesn't speak English well so he is trying too hard to sound literate/interesting. You can see it comes off kind of clumsy and forced hence why it seems fake
And another thing- try to remember the good times you had. Theres no point in in obsessing over the bad things. I know its alot easier said than done, but you can do it. Get some help, theres no shame in it. This shit sounds traumatizing, and you sure as hell can get over your feelings with help.
If he is actually in the Balkans then getting help is not gonna be a viable option kek
True, it's very obvious English isn't his first language.
As I said, life does tend to be stranger than fiction, so I believe him.
Damn OP, never expected to see something like this on here..
Now alot of people are gonna call this "fake and gay" but I've met someone who had a similar story take and give from this one. Nontheless I hope you're doing okay now, as ok as you can be that is. Gotta go now, need to tell someone how much I appreciate them. Thanks for sharing your story man
Sure it is. This guy isnt the first whos going through difficult times mentally.
But anyway thanks for sharing man. Seriously hope you get through this as easily as you can. With you here
...
Wish you all the best. There is nothing to change the past, but you decide your future.
I don't blame myself anymore, im past that And yeah the good times are a good thing to dwell on, but i still cant think about the entire situation without geting hit like a truck with feelings i cant even explain
Yeah, my writing skill is tolerable at best, was trying a bit too hard i guess.
Made me chuckle at what shrink said to me "Take two diazepams a day and youll be better, cmon be a man just stop being sad" - damn communist doctors just wont die.
Glad you had a nice read - and glad i reminded you to tell someone that. godspeed.
Just gonna play some music and lurk on here like always i guess.
sensitive fag here, I'm not gonna lie, I wept after your story, reminds me a of moulin rouge in a sense, I simply wish you the best op
funny how lola was a fake name yet she wrote it on her suicide note weird how that turned out right lol
A good life is not about what happens in it, it's about how you deal with things that do happen in it, you will find happiness if you truly want it, your life and happiness is all in your hands and you've always had the will to be happy, you deserve to be happy.
Try SSRI's diazepams arent good in the long run. They say time heals and i can tell you that it truly does. Good luck my friend
It's not a fake name, its what i used to call her. I shared her nickname because it was something very personal to us.
Thank you, its not that i think i dont deserve to be happy, its that ive been left completely paralyzed in a sense to a point where i cant really bond with anyone.
Pills arent really on my good side, so not wiling to try them anytime soon.
These dont really affect you in a way that heavily alters your mind state- take it from someone that hates pills drugs and alcohol. What they do is increase serotonin in your brain-it doesnt intoroducd any foreign hormone. It saved my life, and im off them now.
But i mean if still you are not willing to give something that has proven to work for many people a chance, then try meditation. It seriously has a huge impact once you practice, i know people are going to fucking meme me for this shit
ill give you the benefit of the doubt, sorry dude. im sure you see where im coming from
I think this guy is right and meditation really works for some people, but you have to have a pretty good understanding of why it's supposed to work before it has any effect. I don't think OP could hack it personally, he'd be better getting a different kind of therapy
But man ive been through hell and what im trying to tell you is that there are way you can get through this. Way back when the worst of it, just someone giving me this comfort would have meant the world to me. So i know to help as many people i can relate with ad i can
Checked. OP here, I meditate every morning when I wake up and before I go to sleep 20-30 mins. It helps alot. The thing about pills is that I don't trust doctors here, there have been many cases of over prescribing of anti depressants and shit and I'm not willing to take that chance.
i think the internet has sufficient information for beginning meditation. And it can work for anybody if they try. Search for mindful meditation. It may not work in the beginning at all but consistency is key
They're overprescribed everywhere OP, trust me. Douchebag doctors let their own personal opinion on drug intervention dictate whether or not they are completely honest with a patient about their other options for treatment
Ok i understand man. Im glad to hear meditation is working for you, gives me some hope too lol.
such a sad story. i wish you all the best op.
Getting comfort from you guys does do a lot. Thats why i spent a lot of time on this porn ridden shitposting fest of a chan.
Im over the point of depression and stuff like that, its been almost 4 years. So im not really still as shaken as i was. I just get random panick attacks and feelings of tremendous sadness. Otherwise i still function perfectly, i go out iwth friends, talk to people, its just that i have a general dislike for most of them and dont even try to get beyond the phase of small talk.
Thank you user. Im not doing as bad as i was, and thats thanks to mostly you guys.
OP here
Anyone with similiar stories care to share, and just general feels thread.
Glad you doin better man. Im still struggling with random panic attacks too, tryin to get back over this slump
Any particular reason you get them ?
Hey OP, I'm from Macedonia as well. Do you have Instagram or something?
Yeah, but sharing here isnt really the best idea...What city you from? Age ? We can figure something out.
fk u for making me cry...ah shit...
OP, this idea is riduculous, but it will work if you find a way to do it. You may be able to get her back.
1.) Acquire time machine.
2.) Figure out how to make a body disappear.
3.) Go to a few days before the party, go to your place, kill yourself of that time, hide the body, and hide it good. (You won't dissapear, the universe has a way of correcting paradoxes like these.)
4.) Go to the party, do exactly as you did, but this time, make the right decision, and go with her.
I have some time machine schematics from a man named John Titor that he posted on forums in the early 2000s. I'll post them. I'm really sorry, OP.
Skopje, 4/12.
...
...
Awee, sorry, but i hope you enjoyed my story even if its sad.
If i admit how many times ive thought this through i be sent to a psychiatric ward with the real gone nutcases. Also inb4 rick and morty - had that idea wayyy longer
Yeah. Might sound silly but I get anxiety from my anxiety symptoms, which lead me to think that Im dying. My anxiety and mental trauma goes back to a series of events that i wont say, but has ultimately led me to where i am now,having gone through 2 full years now of panic attacks and 7 months on meds.
...
...
...
...
Wow, im sorry to hear that dude. Hope it gets better. I dont know if youre the one that suggested meditation but that shit realy works, give it a try. I forgot the name of it but its basically 13-130 minutes before you sleep and after you wake up. Makes the panic attacks rare.
How long ago did she die?
Skopje as well brat. Id love to have you on insta or somewhere but i really dont feel comfortable sharing any private info on here.
I will create an email shortly where you can email me and provide a screenshot that it is me.
The prototype doesnt work, many forums have disccused it and in all sensible cases its just pseudo science.
I don't watch Rick and Morty, so I didn't get this ideam from them. Also, I'm serious about this. I wouldn't joke in a thread like this. That would be fucked up.
Yeah man it was me that suggested meditation and SSRIs- ive been doing random mindful meditation for a while now. I cant say ive been as consistent with it as id like but im trying. Thanks for suggestion ill definitely give it a try.
Vazi. Smart idea, im too lazy and to hung up on baklava to think straight.
Prototypes don't usually work. JT had a finished product. Also, Citation needed.
this is real brah. i read his entire blog post and all that he said is slowly dripping into the mainstream. maybe psyop, but everything said is completely accurate
No i mean that i have had that idea from before they made it into a cartoon. Time travel simply isnt possible at this point in our development. Even inf the machine works, its supposed to go to a different dimension and a different times. Given that there are infintie dimensions, how can you steer that thing and how can you make sure you dont die when you get sent to a dimension of self desructive people blowing up all the time.
Time travel and dimension-hopping are completely different.
Sorry i really cant cite that. It was in one of many science fiction forums i visit. The guy made sense but it was wayy out there to be considered anything close to serious.
Well you cant travel back in time and kill yourself. Thats a paradox. If you wanna do what you described - go there kill myself and take my place, that would be dimension hopping. Or did i miss something and am being stupid
[email protected]
There you go! Will be waiting.
I guess it would be dimension-hopping as well as time travel, but the universe wouldn't come to an end because someone decided to kill their past self. It would fix it on it's own.
[email protected]
That's my email with one of my fake names. Feel free to email me. I have some things that I have to get off my chest. We can also further discuss the possibility of time travel.
And...done.
Not the universe, just this universe if we are talking about time travel. Its a heavy subejct to get into, especially when you consider all the things that can go wrong time traveling. Dimension hopping tho, that would be a better plan, considering we can steer where we land.
>dimension hopping would be a better plan
Agreed
[email protected]
I have both AutoCAD and Autodesk inventor, as well as access to many many parts and tools that may be needed to build the device you need. Please feel free to contact me.
What country/state are you in, OP?
Macedonia
Nahh bro. Im good disccusing it but havent really finished engineering school yet to take a project that big. Im sure ill only be a bother
is this the only place you're posting your story, I hate to say, but I'd love to read it again sometime, it has tragic beauty to it