Be me

>be me
>19 year old virgin and kissed two girls
>5/10 sloot texts me one friday morning telling me to come over and 'help her break in new bed' that night
>itshappening.jpg
>go to friends apartment two hours before meeting her
>Nervous wreck, decide to down a half a fifth of near bottom shelf whiskey (black velvet) and two 22oz IPAs
>high tolerance, but damn im drunk
>get the text "come over I want you"
>stumble out of friend's apartment with a condom and smile on my face
>her apartment should only be a 5 minute walk, but I get lost
>stomach starts to growl. My anus starts burning
Did I mention I ate a double helping of Panda Express orange chicken that day?
>wet fart turns into a shart. Shart turns into full on explosion
>....
>Take boxers off in bushes. Wipe ass with front side. Throw in bush
>get to girls house. Get dick sucked but didn't cum because of whiskey dick
>next morning "where is your underwear?"
>"Ohhhm ummmm, I went hot tubbing..."
>she sucks my dick. I cum. Leave, never see her again

TL;DR I drunkenly shit my pants on route to lose virginity

>whiskey dick

you dumbfuck didn't know that alcohol is shitty for sex?

Yeah but I was nervous and started pounding drinks. Obviously the moral of the story is not to overdrink before sexy time.

And not to shit your pants

If she only sucked your dick you didn't lose your virginity bro

This you beta faggot

he never said he did?

did you read the last line

I know this. It was a letdown

This was also two years ago and ive had minimal (but substantial in their own way) achievements. Lost my virginity, but have yet to hold down a relationship longer than 5 months

I was thinking i was going to. I shit myself with that thought in mind. that counts as "on route to lose my virginity"

You need to stop worrying about it

Either get drunk and try fucking people at parties/club or just accept you don't get much pussy

Thanks user. Ive let it go and started getting back into shape and being more social outide of work. This has always just been a story that's made me feel shitty.

Pun intended

random I KNOW but does anyone who this is? it's for a projetc

A cunt

bump

Excepting tequila, of course.

...

If you were drunk off that, your tolerance isn't high.

t. Never went wild on the pussy while drunk off tequila

Can be dependable on mood. I used to be able to get drunk off a 6 pack of lager, but I need something of what OP has to get drunk.

Why brag about high tolerance anyway? That fucking blows.

I had eight shots and two 9+ abv 22oz in less than two hours. Unless you're youtube legend Shoenice, you're going to be drunk off that

Op here. I wasnt trying to brag about my tolerance, that's just gay. I just wanted to tell the story well and make everyone realize how fucked up i really was

I was referring to the other user.

Yes, for you it must take 4 gallons of everclear for you to even get a slight buzz.

Sorry, i just realizd that.

Damn I hate having a high tolerance i wish i could get drunk off of three beers and save $40 a week.

Btw if anyone tries to brag about having a high tolerance and inability to get drunk, you're either,.. a.) Underage and need to get off of Sup Forums... 2. Someone who needs to realize hard drinking is not something to be proud of

>Shitting yourself over a 5/10
Betas btfo again

I like drinking steadily throughout the night, so if a 6 pack of a good pale ale did the trick, that would be perfect.

I feel your pain.

I think you missed the moral of the story
God it would be so nice man

Bump

I wanna know too

I'm assuming this is samefagging

I tried to be nice, but you don't deserve it.

You're an asshole and you have an ugly hag of a wife. You are a sad, hopeless old man who can't process that what he's married to is horrifying to everybody but you. All you do is spam her pictures all over the place, nobody EVER wants more or reposts her, so you samefeg pretending they do. And then you get pissy, like a little baby, when you get called out on it.

So, old man, go fuck yourself, or fuck your nasty, saggy, ugly, bad-dye-job hag of a wife. Either way, go away. This place is full of weirdos and assholes, and you're among the worst.

I can't wait to see your pathetic, impotent response. Call me "junior." Say I prefer the company of men because I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick. It just continues to demonstrate your sad, tiny, old man life. Everyone both pities and hates you, sad, pathetic old man.

Dubs, did you post on the wrong thread?