ITT: Funny greentext stories

ITT: Funny greentext stories

Make your own or post some old ones, I don't care.

>see ylyl thread
>first picture is a pic of a banana

Idk that's all I really got. I just really, really, really liked that image.

>meet cute girl
>start dating
>have sex
>tells me she loves me
>wake up

>live next to river
>geese swarm our yard every year
>neighbor is Korean
>likes to practice martial arts in his back yard
>go outside one morning and look off our back porch
>Korean is in dramatic martial arts pose with a staff
>4 geese are hissing menacingly
>KKIIIIIYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
>Korean guy charges
>geese charge
>today the spirits of his warrior ancestors have possessed him. A flurry of blows follow
>one goose dead, one with its wing hanging like its broken and the rest run away while broken winged one flops around honking
>Korean guy makes asian fighting noises while he twirls his staff over his head
>The east will show no mercy today
>he smashes its head
>He's breathing heavily and grinning like an idiot
>I start clapping
>He turns as red as it is possible for an asian to blush
>Hurriedly grabs two dead geese and sprints into his house
>Funniest shit I've ever seen

thank you for the laughs user

I can feel your pain.

Wonder if goose tastes good.

>be me
>faggot with 4 swords in his room, watches anime unironically, spends his time on Sup Forums and jerks it to the most fucked up porn
>contemplates suicide on a daily basis
>buys a gun at a convention as a goof to his friends
>actually bought I want to use it to kill myself
>heads home the day of and takes the gun out of the box (it a .39 revolver)
>spins the barrel
>place gun against head
>"Goodbye cruel world," I say
>pulls trigger
>*click*
>the bullet didn't fire and kill me
>makes sense
>gun was empty
>and it was a replica
>did I mention I was autistic?

There truly is no escape from this cruel life of mine.

...

Wow, gook against goose

...

>jerks it to the most fucked up porn
What kind user?

Of course it does you pleb, goose was the game bird of choice for hundreds of years before turkey came along.

...

Why do we not hunt these fuckers then? All they do is shit in our backyards and attack us.

Leave forever.

...

You not hear of foie gras user? That's largely goose. We do still hunt goose, I had one last year for xmas dinner instead of turkey.

...

>Be me, senior year of highschool.
>Walking around campus, class doesn't start for five minutes.
>Get bored, decide to hop into history class with the juniors, as I was friendly with all except for the invalids and school shooters.
>Walk up to blonde friend, of whom is of German descent.
>We used to make a bunch of nazi jokes while putting on the school play, of which was fucking "The Producers".
>Nazibro is standing up, eating cheez-its or some trashy snack shit.
>Smile, slap him lightly across the face.
>We share a laugh, ask him what's up.
>"Uh, user, c'mon, get to yer' class."
>Look at invalid teacher, a fat fuck who has the body of a sixty year old despite being thirty.
>Shrug.
"Just a prank, bro."
>But I walk off regardless.
>Some time passes, am now in second hour.
>Intercom comes to life.
>"Can user please report to blah blah blah..."
>Thefuck.exe
>I shrug and head off towards the front office anyways.
>Get in there.
>Student counselor and the fucking principal in room.
>"Take a seat, user."
>Long story short, they pull some shit about how they could've decided to expel me just then.
>"It could've been seen as instigating a fight, sexual harassment, blah blah fuckin' blah."
>Goes on for twenty minutes.
>Nod and try to act like they're in the right and that I'm sorry.
>They really try and dig it in that they're merciful gods and that I should be thankful that they're only having a little talk with me about this little exchange between friends.
>Say that if anything happens between the end of the school year and me acting up again that they're going to do some bad shit to me.
>Don't remember what it was, but it was bad.
>Am pissed when I return to class.
>"What happened, user?" a friend calls as I enter class.
>Glance around room, all seats are taken and don't see teacher anywhere.
>Shake my head and raise a finger for emphasis.
"Fuck this school."
>"What?"

>Recognize that voice.
>Mrs. Curtis.
>Oh.
>OH FUCK.
>Look down, hand involuntarily shooting to my mouth.
>She decided to take my seat, God only knows why, and was looking at me with a hollow look.
>Truly done with my shit.
"Uh... I... Uhmm..."
>She shakes her head.
>"Out."
>Nod my head and leave the classroom, chill in the auditorium.
>A few mates finish classwork early and come to chill with me, we laugh about it all.
>Talk about bullshit the school tried to pull with me slapping Nazibro being seen as sexual harassment.
>Class ends, muster courage.
>Walk up to teacher as sophomores are filing into class.
"Uh, hey, sorry, it won't happen again."
>"...Okay."
>Leave class, a terrible feeling of worry seeping into my gut.
>Never called into the principals office.
>Never got my shit fucked because retarded school.
>Haven't talked to her since, but am still eternally grateful that she didn't throw me under the buss.

Epic bro, epic.

Cool story, user.

>Be me, end of senior year.
>School is ghetto as fuck, but still tries to act all fancy and shit, being a 'real' charter school.
>Has a trip planned every year for the senior class, provided they pay something stupid that was around 2k.
>Trip to Pennsylvania, Georgia, New York, DC, and a few others places.
>"To honor America's past and give them a sense of what they're learning about."
>Yesurewhatever.
>Parents pay the bill somehow, so it's all good.
>On opposite end of nation, now in Virginia.
>We just got back from visiting several national museums and seeing the Constitution.
>Americanprideswells.exe
>Anyways, am outside class' hotel that we're all staying at for the night.
>Senior classes beforehand have gone with one teacher several times to cigar shops and chilled while sucking on a fat one, so I'm chilling outside with a fag.
>Not thinking.
>Class is up and about, they're about to go wash clothes.
>Used the hotel's washing machine, so I don't have any need to go.
>Am enjoying the cancer stick, standing there, suddenly I hear a voice that makes me clench at mach 6 speeds.
>"The fuck is that?!"
>Spaghettihasbeendropped.exe
"I... uh, I... sorry, sir?"
>It's one of our chaperones.
>Some weird fuck that's hated by half of the campus, an alumni who returned to teach at the school because nobody else wanted him.
>"Bro, this is a school trip, no drugs, alcohol, or anythin'!"
>Have crushed the cigarette in my hand by now, myself not paying attention to it.
"Sorry?"
>"Do you have a pack?"
>Tilt my head slightly, not sure what he's going to do.
>Produce empty pack and show him.
"Empty, sir."
>He shakes his head before storming off, driving off with my dysfunctional class to the laundry mat.
>Get called several hours later to his room in the hotel, no warning, no nothing.

>"Here's what we're lookin' at, bud. We've got a plane ticket sending you back home at 5 sharp tomorrow morning."
>I fucking hate these retards.
>Don't try and fight it, as I've been through my fair share of bullshit in this school.
>Smile and nod, let them think they're in the right.
>Less trouble that way.
>Go back to room.
>Talk to a few friends about what happened.
>They comfort me for a few hours before heading off to their rooms.
>Long story short, they send me off to a plane all by lonesome, was compeltely lost at airport, surprised I didn't get stuck somewhere.
>They send me the fucking bill for the flight.
>$600.
>All but expelled from school, only reason they don't is because they know I'm already enlisted in the military.
>Not allowed to attend graduation.
>Treated like I fucking killed someone.
>Not a pleasant way to end my HS career.

Poor you. Follow the rules and don't be a dipshit.