Can we have a military related stories thread? Scary, funny, intense...

Can we have a military related stories thread? Scary, funny, intense, embarrassing; bonus points if it was experienced by the poster himself

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Be me
Currently deployed
Eastern Europe
Bored as fuck
Mfw I'd rather be back in iraq

>be in military
>kill goat fuckers and sand niggers
>realize they were forced to carry weapons or have their family murdered for not doing so
>realize i killed and shot at innocent people who are just trying to live
>realize me and my government went to some shithole which has 0% potential to be a threat to america, meanwhile american criminals, let alone illegal mexicans, are actively rioting and destroying entire cities with their crimes and propaganda
>meanwhile we make the situation worse for the locals
>meanwhile my wifey is fucking someone else while i'm pissing my pants in a war zone where they'll skin me alive if i'm captured
wew, americahhh fuckk yeahh!
government agents both suppled and trained these goat fuckers, flooded our homes with drugs (empowering the violent criminals).
AMERICA fuck yeah!

Are you in Ukraine?

Be me
Currently deployed
Eastern Europe
Bored as fuck
Mfw I'd rather be back in iraq

Nope, I was on the black Sea in romania for a bit. We shifted to poland....

probably NATO trying to show puttyputin he can't touch europe
at least that's the official reason
realistically it's to have a fast reactionairy force inplace incase of some "peaceful migrats" decide to get a bit of revenge on the cocksuckers who destroyed their homes

>be grunt
>be deployed in iraq
>havent had a shot fired at me since deploying 3 months earlier
>eating in mess hall as shots are fired outside
>ohfuck.jpg
>ordered to run to armory and grab my gear
>oh fuck oh fuck
>get outside and get behind a wall almost in a full panick
>see a dumbass try to throw a hand granade over the wall and fumble it hard
>rolls over to my feet
>life flashing before my eyes
>some dude ran over and punted it away before it blows only really damaging a jeep
>mfw he gets shot because he ran from cover to kick it away

i wish he was here so i could thank him Sup Forums

Pics or it didn't happen

wtf is with all these faggots that cannot throw a fucking modern grenade

Proper grip
Thumb to clip
Twist pull pin
Sneak a peak
Frag out

youtu.be/knUWdUXoGpc

>be me
>unit sent to work in GTMO
>newer enlisted constantly bitching
>they think it sucks
>literally work 3 days a week
>scuba dive and spear fish all the time
>mfw these bitches should've been in afcrapistan

...

i can understand that under the stress of being shot at the guy couldve just been shaky and panicking, i know i was, but he got a hard chewing out later on and didnt come back for a second tour i think the experience fucked him up too much

Its never the stupid that dies. I hope that fucktard realizes he caused the death of his brother

What is the military like?

Like having someone cover all your living expenses in exchange for them repeatedly punch you in the dick over and over for 6 years.

Sounds harsh, I hear you meet good friends and such is this true?

Yeah. You definitely gain quite an extended family from it. The comradery almost makes the beurocratic nonsense worth it.

Ah, I always wanted to join but I hear you barely even go to war and that its just doing non stop slave work. Is this true?

i joined the marine corps but then I realized I was a pussy so I quit in ITB
since then I've turned to drugs.
don't regret it more than I would regret doing anything else at any point in my life.

>be me
>more than phsyically/mentally strong enough to join UK army
>get graded P8 all beacuse when i was a teen i had a little spot of eczma on my face
>okay
>rip no brother in arms

youtu.be/3PLmGPeLsJY

It is a lot of menial task bullshit nowadays yes. Hence the getting kicked in the dick reference. But don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have traded my experiences for anything and it was totally worth the daily stupidity in the long run. I just wouldn't recommend a career out of it unless you have a fuck ton of patience for stupid and frequently toxic leadership.

if i were to throw you and a few guys into a well you'd all turn out to be pretty good friends

feels

>Be me
>deployed in iraq
>ordered to send some supplies to nearby cabin
>try to be "cool" so i bring rifle with me
>enters cabin
>3 dudes in there
>putting supplies down
>accidentally shots 4 rounds into the cabin's ceiling
>mfw i destroyed whole cabin's ceiling

>Be me
>Afcrapistan
>Seabee unit.
>End of summer, beginning of winter.
>We're relieving a cold weather battalion.
>Cold weather battalion that was sent to Afcrapistan in the summer.
>E3, only steelworker for my detachment.
>Built a lot of shit.
>Ate a lot of CliffBars
>RipIts are love. RipIts are life.
>Camel jerky tastes like shit
>I miss Kuwait.
>Fuck Afcrapistan.

Was a good deployment. 10/10

A lot of the stuff I do in the
Army is in tents

How did you get out? Go missing for 6 months and turn yourself in at Quantico?

Somehow I doubt your story is real, no matter how "truthy" you might think it is.
You'd have better luck writing a leftist webcomic.

Not me but a good buddy so I'll green it through his eyes
>Be Marine
>About to deploy to sandbox
>Go all out one night, get super drunk
>Decide to drive home
>Crash into back of cop car
>Skip out on court date because fuck it, I'm in Afghanistan
>Get arrest warrant issued in the states
>CO gets fax from America, my drunk ass mugshot on arrest warrant
>Get my rank removed
>Clean shitters and pull night watch for the next 8.5 months
>2nd best deployment ever

>be me, 2nd trip to icrack
>on the bus with a ding from chow hall to billets, talking about last tour
>buddy talks about recovery mission about a Stryker rollover
>girl few rows forward turns around after the story, angrily tells my buddy 'she had friends on that Stryker before they died'
>buddy looks her dead in the eye and says 'well they aren't your friends anymore'
>can't help it, die laughing at the girls expression, buddy joins in
>girl quickly gets off the bus in dead silence at the next stop, almost a mile from where she needed to be

Still to this day find it funny, wonder how fucked up I really am in the head

nothing posted on Sup Forums is real you fucking dumbass
>The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

>implying they don't go to villages and threaten their families if they don't give them men to fight for them
>implying you're not fighting goat fuckers
>implying these aren't the same fucks who were trained to fight commie aggression
>implying these aren't the same fucks who flood the streats with drugz
>implying poor villagers and goat fuckers could ever be a threat to merikahh
>implying everyone who leaves a wife behind in the military isn't getting cucked
>implying you know anything about anything

>same tour, towards the end
>running confirmation zero ranges for inbound 82
>500lb baby elephant in smedium kit comes off the line, loudly proclaims 'airborne! We can shoot'
>buddy looks over at him and asks if he can pass weigh-in
>ham beast looks all defeated and quietly goes to sit in the bleachers
>within the hour, gunners begin failing to confirm zero, go to investigate the problem
>confused gunner standing by their weapon, unsure what to do
wtfisthat.jpg
>thermal scope on the weapon
>gunner confused and embarrassed when other safeties come over and all start laughing

Fucker didn't understand why he couldn't see a paper target, mid summer, middle of the day, in a sand range in a sand land, through a sight that went between white hot and dark hot

an crazy marine artillery spotter, guy lived to kill vietcong. evertime he got moved to a new fire base he would spend first day going on patrol so he knew the ground. when there was nothing happening he would tape a mirror to his helmet to lure snipers then use 155 howitzers to level the area. hes so good the vietcong kidnap local leaders to get him expelled, spends the last yr of his service as a paris embaassy guard as an reward.

>first tour, returning to fob
>higher calls to our convoy to get us to stop and help training team stranded in the area
>report says tire fell off
>can't help myself, burst out laughing, fall out of the turret
>my tc is the xo, angrily turns and starts yelling at me, saying it's a bad thing, rambling how one of our attachments got shot that morning
>compose myself as we enter the area, scanning about
>find humvee, can't see tire
>scan about, find it 100m down the road, stopped on its way to the border by trash
>unit finishes helpi the training team, head back to base
>get ass chewed by xo for 20 minutes on situation
>psg finds out, get my ass chewed for another 40 minutes
>squad leader comes on shift, finds out what happened, chews my ass for another 20 mins
>go to dinner with my driver/team leader, joke about the situation

Be you
Currently not deployed
On casual missions

>Jeep

Mhmm.

>green

ru. one guy sat on a stove and got his ass burned. our medic taking painkiller pill, breaking it in half and giving it to him. and he always says - this one is for your head and this one is for ass, not otherwice

>deployed to Afghanistan
>literally in the middle of nowhere
>base of mountain
>sandbag bunker
>boring as fuck
>random dog comes along
>we make mascot and enjoy playing with him
>he does smell bad
>name him garbage-cunt
>getting rotated out
>new co in
>get rid of that dog
>they shot garbage cunt

Story an NCO of mine told me

>Iraq 2003-4?
>Tank crew chilling in tank
>Mission to hold intersection
>See crowd disperse
>ohfuck.jpg
>dude with a vest starts charging tank
>ohfuckohfuckohfuck
>close all hatches on tank
>boom.jpg
>tank slightly rocks, nothing gets through
>team leader opens hatch
>dude is smeared all over the sidewalk
>many keks were had

Dude was using an anti-personnel vest with ball bearings against an armored fucking tank.

>Be me
>Boot camp in Norwegian military
>Field exercise
>Sergeant teaches us how to use the BC (means Shit and Carry)
>Puts down a plastic toilet seat
>Puts in plastic bag in said toilet seats
>Actually shits while 45 recruits are watching
>After shitting he asks us how much toilet paper we use
>Everyone uses a lot
>Says he only needs one tissue.
>Proceeds to fold it two times, then rip the corner off
>ends up with tissue with hole in it
>puts finger through hole, and folds once over his finger
>wipes his ass, flip over the tissue, wipe again.
>after wiping, he tells us there can be no air in plastic bag with shit.
>Lifts the bag to his mouth and sucks the air out.
>proceed to throw away the shit in a bin.

The day i learned how to shit outdoors

Me too buddy, me too.

>White Sands missle range
>late at night
>hear loud buzzing of engine in distance
>suddenly see large laser shot into space very fast
>1980s starwars program
>now 2017 and same lasers are on airplanes and ships

Agree. Bout to be longer. You 1-66?

>be guy
>stationed in pearl Harbor during ww2
>got drafted, but fuck it, it's a good job
>one morning
>lying in bed on my day off
>tired.pdf
>most of the other solders left bunks already
>can't decide whether to get breakfast at the mess hall, or to go pray at the church
>decisions
>loud bang
>anotherone.dj.kahlid
>pooped a little
>thought we had a truce or something guys?
>look outside
>the Japanese bombed pearl Harbor
> bunks are safe
>the mess hall
>gone
>church
>gone
Everyone who went to eat or pray that morning is now dead.
>ww2 starts
>continue living life like a bad ass

Some old coin collector/seller in my town told me this story about 10 yrs ago. Guys probably dead of old age by now, I should go see if I can find him.

That is sad

Fuck, joining the norwegian army in 9 days. Sounds fun

>basic training
>Live firing range
>Need to piss
>Go to shitty hole in ground latrine
>Drill sergeant walks in right before me
>Privates in there shiting
>Privates stand up and call "at ease" as drill sergeant walks in
>drill sergeant "privates... God damn..."
>Drill sergeant walks out

Hardcore Viking is hardcore.

Had one of the senior drills in my training company that talked the same. Let us know we were using to much tp (read, people were using it for a wank), and informed us we needed only one 1ply square per shit.

All im getting from this is that with the Military's spending budget, none goes towards toilet paper

>Be me in Swiss Army
>Still doing office work in the evening, station front guards have already taken their positions
>Take break, going outside for a smoke, it's like 11pm
>See guard team drunk, MSgt in charge is actually super fucked up - he's a total asshole, we never really were cool with each other
>Get call in office
>"Hey, you at Staff HQ? MP is doing impromptu checks on night guard."
>fuck.psd
>run down
>"calm the fuck down, MP coming"
>two PFCs are scared, calm down, take posts; Guard commander MSgt passed out
>tell PFCs to help me carry him away
>"But they're gonna wanna talk to guard cmd"
>insta-decision: Take MSgt name and rank patches (we wore velcro patches, not sure if that's done anywhere else) - I was a Cpl, this would've gotten me like 2 weeks of arrest
>Sit at Cmd Post, three minutes later MP rolls in
>give them all info, super snappy on military conduct and language
>MPs are known to be hardcore, are happy with everything
>Carry on MSgt, finally a Night Guard Commander completely on the task and who knows proper military conduct
>phew.prproj
>Next day, MSgt walks up to me, looks super disgruntled
>god, what now
>He thanks me for "saving his life" (I think he was a contracted soldier, would've lost his job and everything) and proceeds to always find a way to let me have more time off or buy me a beer when we're out like once in two weeks

You kidding me? You know how many miles of raw and pus covered dicks you need to suck just to get anything out of a supply office? Toilet paper they keep saying is for office/motor pool/company offices use, you want some for the barracks you need to buy that yourself. God forbid you need printer paper, new uniforms, or anything that helps you do your job

>similar tale
>Parris Island
>1999
>right before lights out and a few of us are in the head taking a shit
>DI walks in to tell us to wrap it up
>paranoid recruit stands at attention with a shitty ass "ATTENTION ON DECK, DRILL INSTRUCTOR ON DECK."
>DI squints at him and just shakes his head
>"What the fuck is wrong with you recruit?"
>we chuckle
>DI waits until we finish
>catches us on the quarterdeck
>smoked for 30 mins
>worth it