ITT: Times Christgau was right

ITT: Times Christgau was right

>In the Court of the Crimson King [Atlantic, 1969]
The plus is because Peter Townshend likes it. This can also be said of The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Beware the forthcoming hype--this is ersatz shit. D+

>Gave In The Court Of The Crimson King a D-

>Gave a Nicki Nimaj album an A-

I really want to know his reaction to Moonchild on the first (and probably the only) listen, desu.

I guess you could say that Pete Townshend considered The Crazy World of Arthur Brown to be fire.

Pieces of Eight [A&M, 1978]

Wanna know why Starcastle are heavying it up? They want to go platinum just like Styx. Fortunately, they haven't yet gotten around to the cathedral organ. C-

>OK Computer [Capitol, 1997]
My favorite Pink Floyd album has always been Wish You Were Here, and you know why? It has soul, that's why--it's Roger Waters's lament for Syd, not my idea of a tragic hero but as long as he's Roger's that doesn't matter. Radiohead wouldn't know a tragic hero if they were cramming for their A levels, and their idea of soul is Bono, who they imitate further at the risk of looking even more ridiculous than they already do. So instead they pickle Thom Yorke's vocals in enough electronic marginal distinction to feed a coal town for a month. Their art-rock has much better sound effects than the Floyd snoozefest Dark Side of the Moon. But it's less sweeping and just as arid. B-

Frontiers [Columbia, 1983]

For those of you who were hoping the jig was truly up this time, I'll remind you of how much worse it could be--this top ten album could be outselling Thriller or Flashdance or Pyromania. My suggestion is for Steve Perry to run as a moderate Republican from, say, Nebraska, where his oratory would garner excellent press, and then, having shed his video game interests, ram the tape tax through. D

Ten [Epic, 1991]

in life, abuse justifies melodrama. in music, riffs work even better ("Once", "Even Flow"). *

>wywh has soul
that's nothing compared to piper

Superstar Car Wash [Metal Blade, 1993] :(

A Boy Named Goo [Metal Blade, 1995] :(

Dizzy Up The Girl [Warner Bros., 1998] *bomb*

How can one man be so based?

Hot Rats [Bizarre, 1969]
Doo-doo to you, Frank--when I want movie music I'll listen to "Wonderwall." C

Machina [Virgin, 2000]

Galloping in from the wastes to save us from an onslaught of meaningless pop, it's a genuine Rock Band here to remind us about the things that truly matter, such as the death of God, the girl you had a crush on, and hearing your favorite song on the radio. Billy Corgan's proclamations are almost as interesting as Al Gore's, with the exception that the latter's might actually affect our lives. But what can it mean when his vocal cadences are sexier? C-

Just Another Band From L.A. [Bizarre/Reprise, 1972]

You said it Frank, I didn't. C

Truly a horrible album. When I was a huge fan in my younger days I still couldn't get into one song from this pretentious mess. Billy was always an egotistical cunt but he had some redeeming songs. It all fell apart after Adore.

Californication [Warner Bros., 1999]

new age fuck fiends ("Scar Tissue", "Purple Stain"). *

Crosby, Stills, and Nash [Atlantic, 1969]

Rated by request, I've written elsewhere that this album is perfect, but that is not necessarily a compliment. Only David Crosby's vocal on "Long Time Gone" saves it from a special castrati award. Pray for Neil Young. B+

fpbp
/thread

Desire [Columbia, 1975]

In the great tradition of Grand Funk Railroad, Dylan has made an album beloved by tour devotees--including those who were shut out of Rolling Thunder's pseudocommunitarian grooviness except via the press. It is not beloved by me. Although the candid propaganda and wily musicality of "Hurricane" delighted me for a long time, the deceitful bathos of its companion piece, "Joey," tempts me to question the unsullied innocence of Rubin Carter himself. These are not protest songs, folks, not in the little-people tradition of "Hattie Carroll"; their beneficiaries are (theoretically) wronged heroes, oppressed overdogs not unlike our beleaguered superstar himself. And despite his show of openness, our superstar may be feeling oppressed. His voice sounds viscous and so do his rhymes, while sisters Ronee and Emmylou sound distinctly kid, following the leader as if they're holding onto his index finger. More genuinely fraternal (and redeeming) are the pained, passionate marital tributes, "Sara" and "Isis." B-

Sheik Yerbouti [Zappa, 1979]

If this be social satire, then how comes its only targets are those individuals whose peculiar weirdness happens to diverge from that of the retentive gent at the control board? Or are we to take his newfound fixation on buggery as a sign of approval? Makes you wonder if Frank's primo guitar solo on "Yo Mama" and those unique-as-they-used-to-be sounds and textures are as arid spiritually as he is. As if there was any wonder after all these years. C+

Little Earthquakes [Atlantic, 1991]

She's been raped and she's written a great song about it, the quietly frightening acapella "Me and a Gun". That means she's not Kate Bush. But although I'm sure she's her own person and all, Kate Bush's market share she'd happily settle for. C+

No Secrets [Elektra, 1972]

If a horse could sing in a monotone, the horse would sound like Carly Simon, only a horse wouldn't rhyme "yacht," "apricot," and "gavotte." Is that some kind of joke? Why did Mick Jagger want her? Why does James Taylor want her? Come to think of it, why does she want either of them? B-

American Dream [Atlantic, 1988]

Take this record for what it pretends to be and to an extent is--four diehard hippies expressing themselves. Poor old guys can't leave politics alone--there's more ecology and militarism on here than back when they were princes of pop rebellion. Not that that's reason to pay Graham Nash's ditties any mind or that Steve Stills's steady-state ego isn't fueled by stray references to judges. But David Crosby's cocaine confessional makes "Almost Cut My Hair" seem self-abnegating, while Neil Young adds musical muscle and gains commercial muscle back. Not as bad as you'd think, nor worth giving a second listen to. C+

The Beach Boys [Caribou, 1985]

What would you say if the Four Lads got back together and covered songs by Boy George and Stevie Wonder on the same album? Betcha they still harmonize pretty good too. C+

Bio [Chess, 1973]

You know how Willie Mays was the greatest baseball player ever, but just can't cut it anymore? I feel the same way about Chuck Berry. D+

Greatest Hits [Priority, 2002]

He's always been smart and talented. What he hasn't always been is honest, so it is my displeasure to note that this garbage scow lists alarmingly when it gets to his 1998 and 2000 albums, titled "The War Disc" and "The Peace Disc", respectively, for how hard it is to get through them. Myself, I'm so happy to be able to access his best beats and rhymes without once having to hear him incite a race riot or force a Catholic schoolgirl to lick his testicles. B

Was he the original nu-male?

No, your father was. That's why you are such a failure.

no. he rates artists according to how much pussy/dick they get

Bridge Over Troubled Water [Columbia, 1970]

Melodic. B

One Hot Minute [Warner Bros., 1995] *bomb*

Looking Forward [Reprise, 1999]

Right, like you didn't already know. Although I pray Y will render the title tune hopeful instead of smug, part of me knows I'll hear N harmonizing insipidly behind him. And when S explains how when he was young, old people were wrong and now that he's old, young people are wrong and proceeds to diss overfed talking heads while ignoring overfed exhead C next to him, part of me wishes some computer nerd with more brains than smarts joins the arms race just to get even. Still a menace and still conceited about it after all these years. C

Brain Salad Surgery [Manticore, 1973]

Is this supposed to be a rebound? Because William Blake wrote the lyrics? Because certified classical composer Pete Sinfield (who gets royalties after all) attests to their sensitivity on the jacket? Because the production is so clear that you can hear the gism dripping off the microphone? C-

Infidels [Columbia, 1983]

All the wonted care Dylan has put into this album shows--musically, "License to Kill" is the only dud. His distaste for the daughters of Satan has gained complexity of tone--neither dismissive nor vituperative, he addresses women with a solicitousness that's strangely chilling, as if he knows what a self-serving hypocrite he's being, but only subliminally. At times I even feel sorry for him, just as he intends. Nevertheless, this man has turned into a hateful crackpot. Worse than his equation of Jews with Zionists with the Likud or his utterly muddled disquisition on international labor is the ital Hasidism that inspires no less than three superstitious attacks on space travel. God knows (and I use that phrase advisedly) how far off the deep end he'll go if John Glenn becomes president. B-

Earth [Grunt, 1978]

This is slightly better than Spitfire (not to mention Baron von Tollbooth) and rather worse than Red Octopus (not to mention Crown of Creation). Its only ambitious lyric seems to equate skateboarding with sex with (male) hubris; its expertness conceals neither schlock nor shtick nor strain of ego. It is leading the nation in FM airplay. C

lmao even if you're being a complete dickhead that record is a C. Fuck this guy.

Also, is nobody going to point out that he ranked the album higher because the guitarist of a shit band liked it?

Robert Christgau confirmed: The Who is better than King Crimson

Pictures From An Exhibition [Manticore, 1972]

This reworking of Mussogorsky's mouldy-oldie does have a big new beat, but you can't dance to it and the instrumentation does seem rather spare. Anyway, truth is I don't even listen to the original that much. D+

Mariah Carey [Columbia, 1990]

I swear I didn't know her mama was an opera singer, but then I'm embarrassed I didn't guess. She gets too idealistic in her brave young attack on war and destitution. Elsewhere she sticks to what she doesn't know--love. C+

Stop samefagging, Christgau-fag

Funkadelic [Westbound, 1970]

(side one, cut one) Q: Mommy, what's a Funkadelic? A: Someone from Carolina who discovered eternity on acid and vowed to contain it in a groove. (side two, cut four) Q: Mommy, what is soul? A: The ham hock in your corn flakes. Now eat your breakfast, dear. C

Stop. No one takes him seriously and hasn't for decades.

Trout Mask Replica [Straight, 1969]

I want to like this one, but it's just too fucking weird. It is great to put on when you're feeling shitty, because you'll never feel as shitty as this album. B+

Street Hassle [Arista, 1978]

I know Lou worked his ass off on this one, but he worked his ass off on Berlin too. Like so many of his contemporaries, maybe he's better off not aiming for masterpieces. After a while, I came to appreciate "I Wanna Be Black" which treats racism as a stupid joke and gets away with it. But the production is muddled and the self-consciousness self-serving. C+

Thousand Roads [Atlantic, 1993]

David Crosby adds new meaning to the term "survivor", meaning "if you can't kill the motherfucker, at least make sure he doesn't breed" and until VH1 got onto the revolting "Heroes" video, I'd hoped never to sample this piece of make-work for his rich, underemployed friends. Oh, well. The only thing that could render it more self-congratulatory would be a cover of Jefferson Black Hole's "We Built This City". C-

Bad Moon Rising [Homestead, 1985]

They're sure to disagree--what else are they good for--but despite the clanging brutality of their late industrial guitars and their sincere (if hackneyed) depression, in the end, the music just serves as a backdrop for their usual sociopathic fantasies and the result isn't ugly or ominous or bombs bursting in the air, it's merely interesting. B-

Death Valley '69 [Homestead EP, 1986]

Extended single padded out with Lydia Lunch feature plus pieceashit outtake from their current album. Available along with the first album in stores that stock such arcana. Suck their dicks, or pussy as the case may be. D+

How the fuck did this guy ever become a paid music journalist? Most of the reviews here are just insults and name calling that tell you nothing useful about the album.

FAKE NEWS,
the original wording is:

Trout Mask Replica [Straight, 1969]

I find it impossible to give this record an A because it is just too weird. But I'd like to. Very great played at high volume when you're feeling shitty, because you'll never feel as shitty as this record. B+

>it's just too weird

he's being beholden to someone or something else, that's a bad reviewer.

He also admitted to being personal friends with John Lennon and Yoko Ono. That's another no-no in journalism; being a friend of the individual whose work you're critiquing.

*tips*

The Concept [Cotillion, 1978]

Pioneering funk groups like the Commodores and P-Funk were manned by veteran musicians rooted in traditional black music styles. The younger groups however more closely resemble third generation rock groups. Unless you prefer Kansas to the Bar-Kays, this is not a compliment--lyrics like "What is now will be forever" may as well grace the back of a Starcastle album. This is very much a Starcastle kind of band too, right down to the general derivativeness and pretensions to content. But that doesn't make Starcastle music. Still, if your idea of good music is interesting sounds, shapes, and textures, then black is still beautiful. B-

CSN [Atlantic, 1977]

Wait a second, wasn't this a quartet? D+

Great review, truly a genius

This Was [Island, 1969]

Ringmaster Ian Anderson has come up with a unique concept that combines the worst of Arthur Brown, Roland Kirk, and your local G.O. blues band. I find his success very depressing. C-

Stand Up [Island, 1969]

Fans of the group think it's a great album. I am not a fan of the group. I think it is an adequate album. B-