Any EMS fags lurking? Let's tell some dumb stories

Any EMS fags lurking? Let's tell some dumb stories.
>get a call for an unconscious male
>get to house, it's this autistic old fuck we take like once a week.
>he's fucked up, but not really bad, which is why the hospital keeps discharging him.
>every time we get him he keeps freaking out and screaming in pain in a manner way more overdramaticlly then his condition warrants.
>treat him with sympathy and respect every time. He's not an asshole to us per se, he just screams and freaks out way more than he needs to
>Anyway, get to the hospital, and we're trying to get him on the hospital bed from the stretcher.
>he weighs like 300lbs so we need the help of the hospital staff.
>qt 3.14 aid standing opposite me to help lift this fat fuck
>he starts screaming: "oooh baby!"... "my baby!!! My baby!!!! Oooh MY BABY!!! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP MY BABY!!!!"
>like a cartoon character
>qt aid looks at me like wtf
>I can't contain it.... I burst out laughing like a total retard.
>can't get the sound of this crazy old bastard screaming about his baby out of my head.
>walking down the hall of the ER trying to write pcr while laughing and chuckeling like a retard.
>random nurses looking at me like I need a straight jacket.
>mfw 2 months later every time I think about this fat old man screaming "help... my baby!" I bust out laughing
Anyone got any retarded stories like this?

>inb4 worst call you were ever on. It's train guy, ok? It's always train guy.

Bro how long have you been an emt for? Your story sucked.

Medic for 15 yrs. and yeah I know. It's a retarded thing, just makes me laugh every time I think about it

It just has no substance. People can't relate. You'd be boring at parties man. Take this as constructive criticism.

>Get called to group home for mentally disabled
>Blind, deaf, and downs patient fell out of chair
>Pretty sad case as this pt can not understand what is happening
>she is wailing at highest pitch I have ever heard
>her hip is obviously broken - leg 2 inches shorter than the other and turned - classic
>Finally get her somewhat comfortable as we package her for transport
>wailing ends
>able to hear argument from dining room
>2 downies sounding like they are close to punches
>"NO! MY MOM SAID I WAS SPECIAL! YOU ARE JUST PLAIN RETARDED!" - downie 1
>"THAT IS BULLSHIT! YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY THE RETARDED ONE! LOOK
>AT HOW FAR APART YOUR RETARD EYES ARE!" - downie 2
>I literally threw up back at the ambulance barn from laughing so hard
>kept laughing for at least 3 days every time I would think about it
TFW the downie bros is your favorite wholesome story from your time in EMS.

I'm not EMT but have a similar story.

>Be me hospitalized 2 months ago
>Trying to sleep when I hear a loud scream
>fuck it and sleep anyway
>2 hours later woke up to same loud man screaming
This was at about 11pm
>1 hour later woke up for routine medication overnight
>another 2 hours later woke up again to loud man screaming
At this point I asked the nurse what was going on, she said it was an old disgusting patient screaming loudly on purpose and overreacting to get nurse's attention
>get angry but went to sleep
>1 hour later same fucking old man screaming with all his might
>fuck it I'm going to beat the shit out of this retard
When I was getting ready to go to his room the nurses were already kicking his ass out for misconducting. I walked to his room in the morning and he was in fact not there.

Nurse fag here i guess ill contribute
>be me a surgical nurse.
>short staff getting patients prepped
>day is crawling by
>we have an emergency appendectomy
>patient is 6ft 6 inches and 300 pounds
>also mentally disabled somewhere between moderate and profound.
>the old bittys prepping him are scaring him and hurting him
>see he is wear a bk tshirt when he came in
>talk to him about chicken fries and get him calmed down
>get his lines in.
>dumb old bitty thinks she can sneak up on him now that he is calm
>she comes around the back of the bed and tries to put a cap on him.
>he comes around and swings at her with a tyson level punch
>old bitch gets tko'd

I'll bump to keep it alive while I type one up

>be me six weeks on the job still training
>Metro EMS in major US city
>get a call on a elderly female in distress
>5 floor walk up on south side of town
>hottest August on record
>so hot the wheels on our gurney are melting into the pavement
>up we go
>giant 400lbs sheboon in a muumuu house dress and fuzzy pink slippers
>"Oh lawdy, oh lawdy I can'tz feel my legs...Oh I can'tz feel dehm! I am seeing da angels up with Jesus!"
>Type II diabetic, morbidly obese, all her 23 meds out of whack due to the fact that she has no a/c, been drinking Cool-Aid all day and hasn't been eating
>The guy who is training me turns to her and says "Your fucking legs are right there under your fat ass. Now lets get up and walks down the stairs to go to see the doctor and let's leave the angles here for another day."
>I started laughing so hard I nearly shit my pants

My roommate was an EMT in a big western capitol city. He got this call for a woman "bleedin' out her cootchie". They drove across town and got to this bad neighborhood and found the (of course black) woman laying in bed with a full size towel soaked with blood between her legs. Obvious signs of drug use, dirty mattresses everywhere, etc.

She claims it was because she got fisted
(con't)

She's high as fuck and starts running around yelling "My cootchie's bleedin'! My cootchie's bleedin'! and takes off down the street nude. It takes them a bit to catch her (and as the whole ghetto watched) they load her in an ambulance and send her away, still bleeding profusely. Start asking the 2 big dyke roommates(?) what happened to her. They are obv. lies, finally get the truth:

They were radical black & feminists and this fat nig had gotten knocked up by some white drug dealer. They didn't want to bring a non-black non-female baby into the world (she had seriously had an ultrasound and only decided to kill the baby when she found out it was male). They had tried a back alley abortion on a mattress in the living room, starting with a screwdriver, and then moving up to other longer, sharper tools (not sure what, he didn't ask I guess). They punctured her bladder and fucked up her vagina but ironically the baby was (mostly) fine and she was arrested for it and pretty much forced to have it in prison. IDK what happened to the people that tried to do the abortion though.

Holy shit, good thread, bumping for more

Another second-hand story:

My brother was the head security guard for a major hospital in the area and when they had dangerous people in there, he would have to guard them until the police got there and after they left. There was this enormous nigger who came in just acting nuts. Totally incoherent, can barely move, talking to himself, etc. No ID so it takes them a few days to figure out who he is, guess he was a known drug mule and was wanted for questioning after running from the cops. He had 7-10 condoms full of LSD (and maybe other things, who knows) in his ass and a few of them burst as he was running. The few days he was at the hospital, he would freak out if anyone came near him because he though he was a glass of orange juice and if he got bumped he'd spill and die. I guess they hauled him away to jail/county/who knows once the cops found out it was him

Nursefag here again
>working ER years ago
>working with brand new doc
>she is a idiot
>we have a teenage hispanic female complaining pain.
>first thought is something pregnancy related
>we all know how they breed
>momma is yelling she isnt pregnant that her daughter is an angel
>Ya da ya da ya da
>the doc is convince its pregnacy
>the teen aint saying shit.
>shes digging thru her purse
>hands me a highlighter with no cap.
>guess what the doc found on the pelvic exam?

Lol wowwww, ty
honestly I thought I'be heard this story before? Not sure

Omfg haha

Don't think so, maybe it's a similar occurrence. Usually they have the shit that kills you when you OD on it up their ass so they usually just die when a balloon of heroin busts in their butt

those where LSD balloons

Right, ans possibly, the whole "cup of orange juice" + freak out at the thought of being spilled over is something I've heard before. Nonetheless, still good stories.

Yea, I guess it was a bunch of the paper hits jammed into condoms and when he ran the edges tore up the rubber and they opened up.

On a bit of a tangent that's why I don't do drugs other than legal weed I buy. Most of it has been in someone's ass at some point or has been made/cut with toxic shit.

OK, so there are a ton of stories that could be shared, but the one that I always go back to in my head are the darkest and most disturbing ones.
The children, the babies, the families, the fires, the suicides...
As far as amusing stories, I think you need to be an EMS-fag to even see the humor. Things like train-bum cleanup and a highway patrolman holding his hand and trying to shake everyone elses hand with it. Or the dead old lady that was in rigor on the toilet, butt naked and you can't get the body covered on the gurney in a way that the family won't freak out over. Then there are the darkest of the dark ones that I feel a strange perverse sense of pride for the way I handled them - screaming at the drunk teenager that just killed 4 of her friends and is worried about her fucking face having a gash in it, or the times that I finally lost it on uncooperative patients explaining that I know it hurts and it is fucking going to but your thrashing around is not fucking helping it!

Op here, I've always worked 911, but have friends that do transports who have told me that elderly men literally masterbate constantly. They don't care who is around or where they are. They play with their peckers and actually jack off as much as they can.
I've seen this a few times on calls but chalked it up to dementia.
My transport friends tell me that has nothing to do with it.
Tl;dr:
>Old men jack off more than the trap thread starters on /b

how can they jack off if their penises are flaccid since decades and if ever they get some halfboner they'll die instantly because stroke heart attack?

Wot

Damn, guess you gotta find the humor in it. Any stories to share? Funny, awful, confusing, etc - much appteciated

LOL guess trying to get as much in (or out?) as possible before they die, eh?

This stuff happens all the time. Recently had someone check in with vaginal foreign body. I'm a PA and the doc I work with made a bet - if it's a tampon he'd do it, but if it was something else I had to. Turns out the lady was using a vibrator and it broke apart inside so I was the lucky one who got to retrieve it.

OP here with another retarded story:
>get a call for a man down
>start heading out, dispatch calls us and says PD is looking for a rush
>ohshitson
>set course for skellitron 3 at warp 9
>get on scene, the patient is totally nakie.
>cops have him cuffed and stuffed
>he's freaking out with the strength of a thousand retards
>breakoutthevitaminH.mp3
>walk up to him syringe in hand
>he stops
>totally calms downs
>like totally. Don't even need to sedate him anymore
>looks at me right in the eye and goes: "dad?"
>flip him over, he has a tattoo on his chest that says: in loving memory of dad 1965-2015
>feel a chill run down my spine
>turns out he was jacked on bath salts and the cops got him rampaging down a residential street
>apparently I looked enough like his deceased father to instantly chill him out to the point where we didn't even need to sedate him

Confusing one... Call came in as mid-50s female bleeding rectally. Address was a trailer park that we knew all to well. Get out there and this is not a newer trailer, this is an old one that the hall way was barely wide enough to carry a backboard down with a skinny pt. This is a bad sign, skinny people NEVER live in these in my experience. Pass bedroom on right, it is empty. Pass bathroom on right, nobody in there - but the blood...
The blood is everywhere!
Mirrors look like blood was flung from a bowl or some type of container... HUGE splashes with streaks running down from them.
Toilet is so dark with blood that I don't think there is any water diluting it anymore.
Towels strewn everywhere that are soaked in blood.
I have walked into GSW scenes with so much less blood than this. I am wondering if this won't be a DOA (took us almost 20 minutes to get there).
My partner and I are just mesmerized staring at this scene, neither of us can move.
We hear a very calm, normal voice farther down the hall, "I am in here."
We both look at each other - partner's eyes are as big as saucers.
We walk back to the "bedroom" - this room was large enough for the king bed to fit in. That was all that was in there. Wall-to-wall bed, the doorway has about 4 inches space before you hit the bed, door removed from hinges and long gone. Sure enough, mid 50's woman laying on the bed on her side so she is facing us. Palor is a bit pale, but all-in-all this gal LOOKS pretty ok for the amt of blood everywhere. Female is between 400 and 450 pounds.
I look down, there is a trail of blood in the carpet from the bathroom. Not drips. Not drops. A TRAIL, like a slow running brook would look, but obviously the blood is not running.
Begin asking questions...
Yes, it is definitely coming from my rear.
No, I have not had any injuries.
Yes, that is all my blood.
My partner is now crawling across the bed to her to start checking the ABCs
-cont-

The funny thing is They look you right in the eye and give you a smile or a wink while they're doing it

the lsd "cup of orange juice" story is an urban legend. the fact that that fag actually believed it is just sad

>inb4 I would say C is out of whack

Holy shit, that story was hilarious and sad at the same time, like a mini movie

this sounds like the beginning of horror story

Lmao, maybe that's the only way they can get off? Gotta call 911 to reach orgasm.

Oh man haha, makes sense

There is a group home for sexual deviants in the town I work in. I've heard some weird calls come Out of there. I really want to get dispatched there to experience stuff for myself

Share stories? Or anything you've heard?

Nurses get out REEEEEEEEE EMTB, AEMT, EMTP only

and to figure out what the actual fuck we are looking at here. Patient still talking calmly to me, I ask her how the blood got flung everywhere.
"I put my hand in there to see where all the moisture was coming from, found out is was blood and I kind of freaked out."
Kind of? REALLY? What the fuck? ANd she had her hand in where???!!! What is going on here!?!?!
partner is now behind her, he says he needs trauma pads. Throw down jump kit and pull the zipper for the center pocket and throw him a trauma pad, he also asks for a face mask... I look up and he has blood all over the front of his shirt... just spatters, but it looked like a nightmare to me.
Threw him a face shield and started getting every bit of PPE I could to put on myself. I then realize we have to move this woman. FUCK. Get on the radio to dispatch and ask if they have any officers in the area that can come assist.
Partner tells me we need to package and move, get them here QUICK.
2 highway patrol, 2 deputies and and a sheriff officer there in minutes...
I was wrong- backboard does not fit very well down the hallway.
Partner is yelling the whole time, finally get coherent statement from him I can understand. There is a gash about 9 inches long and at least 5 deep running laterally from the anus in the butt cheek.
she told me no injuries and was "curious" where all the wetness came from...
I am seriously fucking confused!
Patient is in and out of consciousness now, 2 IV's running full bore... Must move! But how?
Use the spider web (straps that go every which way over a patient typically used on a backboard when there was heavy trauma especially spinal to keep a patient from moving) to secure her to a backboard. Turn her on her side - think of carrying a piece of plywood vertically with a patient strapped to it hanging off of it.
Took every single one of us to hoist her up off the bed and begin waddling her down the hall - all of us jockeying for space to even reach the
-cont-

I have story vaguely similar to this.
Get called to a dialysis center for an EF bleeding.
Get there and see a pool of blood like the elevator door scene of the shining surrounding a chair next to a dialysis machine.
Like more blood than you think a human being could have in their body.
Walk up and there is this 90 lb ancient old lady sitting in the chair, she smiles and says in this sweet old lady voice, oh I'm fine...
Turns out her dialysis line came out of her av fistula and she sat there gushing blood for about 2 minutes until a nurse discovered what was happening.
Fortunately they had whole blood at the center that they were infusing her with.

>she didn't even want to go to the hospital
We took her tho

sum1 post the stories about dudes losing their dicks bcos of chastity "accidents"
it's usually the funniest shit and excuses in these threads.

Not OP, had this call last weekend.

>Call for medical alarm, residential.
>Arrive to find PD, and FD
>Oh boy
>turns out it's old guy on oxygen
>Complains of feeling "abandoned"
>annoyed I inquire further
>Explains his roommate left him for some chick in the back of the building, is now assumingly fucking/living with her
>Explain to him as a friend you should be happy for friend having sex, and explain this is not a medical emergency etc etc
>"Oh, i'll make it a medical emergency"
>The absolute mad man shuffles to the kitchen drawer to try to stab himself.
>my green partner goes in after him, I let the bastard go, if he hits bad enough, and it's no longer bls, not my pt.
>Eventually we take him to hospital.
>States along the way he just wanted a sandwhich
>Proceed to radio local hospital explaining chief complaint of abandonment, and desire for sammy.
>arrive at hospital, and give same report to nurses.

Such is the life of EMS

I've been on the department for only month but I've heard the use Electric shock vests during "episodes" and one of them took of their clothes and faked a full seizure at the ED

Should have had FD cut the side of the fucking house apart
Fuck em. Shouldn't have gotten that fat to begin with

backboard to get a grip on it. Finally get her out and onto the gurney, lost one of the deputies to a thrown back along the way.
Strap her in and throw her in the back of the bus, and start racing in. Listen as partner calls in to the ER to get more context - nothing, nothing at all, I know EVERY damn thing he knows.
Land at ER (yeah, it felt like we were flying) and rush her in.
Every single staff member of the ER is there to see this gash that looked like she tried to remove her own fat ass cheek.
Arterial bleed? Yep, but not a major vessel. Docs are clamping shit, 4 units of blood hanging above her... all is calming down...
Exploring further into this gaping wound, the doc is almost in to his wrist from my point of view. His eyes get wide and he says, "found something".
He pulls out what looks like about 1/4 of a corel (those unbreakable plates you get at walmart with strange patterns along the outer edge of it?) saucer. So like a 2 or three inch pie shaped sliver of white glass.
Patient is fine after treatment...
BUT - how? How did she not feel it? How did she get the buckets worth of blood on the mirror? How did she not know what happened? How did she reach all the way around herself and get her hand in there? Why did she tell me no injury?
Find out her niece is friends with my wife. next time I see her ask about her aunt. She is doing great. back at home. Ask her how it happened, niece says that nobody can figure it out. nobody. rest of plate was nowhere to be found, aunt doesn't own corel dishes. Just a WTF one that has always stuck with me.

>waited all that time for that end

It was a horrifying day, man. I wanted to share it with you all!

That ending

thanks for sharing, any other stories?

A gash 9in long, 5 in deep??? Holy shit

This sounds like my grandma, she had a tube for infusions? transfusions? I don't remember. It was next to her heart (can't remember exactly what it was called or what it was for, but they left the connector tube in her since she went to the hospital for week, I believe for platlets? Or something, sorry).
Anyways, my 86 year old, dementia grandmother comes out of her room, shirt covered in blood, holding the tube, proclaiming "They must've forgotten to take it out, haha!" I'm freaking out, calling EMTs, she's saying she has to go into the bathroom to clean up the rest of the remaining blood. Saying "Oh it's no big deal, I've seen worse when I was a nurse in Europe". Eventually EMTs come by, entire time she's flirting with them until they take her to the hospital. Crazy night.

That was the most puzzling part of it, that chunk of glass must have been sawing up into her back and forth to do it... fucking weird

Holy shit, that was a great story, some crazy ending. any more stories?

Plenty, but not right this minute. That was a lot of typing, lol.

Any other footfags who are also emsfags?
This is usually not an issue, but this one fucking time....
Get a call to a local college for a female overdose
Turns out to be this 19 yo 10/10 who smoked some really good weed before class and is now freaking out.
Usually this wouldn't be a big deal, but she keeps going on about how she can't feel her feet and kept wanting me to check them to make sure they were ok.
>oh fuck... ok
>she's wearing sheer stockings
>she's also wearing leather heels
>this is literally my fetish
Take her heels off, tell her her feet are fine.
She still loosing it, like genuinely panicking... CHECK MY FEET!
>oh fugg
>o..ok m..miss
>do a complete pms check including babinsky on her absolutely perfect, stockinged feet.
>they... they're fine... m...miss
She calms down
I try to
Sit in captains seat for rest of trip because I'm trying to suppress getting a raging woody
Fapped a hole in my dick about it that night
I felt kind of guilty about it, but I didn't do or say anything inappropriate
idk, what do you guys think?

Not even short hand/green text? :b
Haha, understandable tho, ty for sharing.

Perks of the job user

Probably one of the more calm fetishes you can have, given your job :b
Or in general, given this is Sup Forums haha

Not really EMS, though thats my long term goal (still student now).
Working for a company who does first aid at festivals. Lots of drugs and shit most of the time
>Get a call that someone is passed out near the porta potties.
>Find guy, unconsious, blood and slime drooling on his face
> bystander says he stumbled/fell backwards out of one of the toilets, guy who was probably coked out hit him in the face, KO.
>try to get him onto portable stretcher.
>Annoying bitch comes along, says he needs a dextro
>jesus christ , starting to rage
> ask if she nows this guy, is he a diabetic?
> 'No but ive been a but too wasted quite some time, some sugar always works'
>feel the anger take control
>if you could please fuck off that would be great thanks

>not ems

Congratulations, you just passed your practical exam

>
>Another second-hand story:
>My brother was the head security guard for a major hospital in the area and when they had dangerous people in there, he would have to guard them until the police got there and after they left. There was this enormous nigger who came in just acting nuts. Totally incoherent, can barely move, talking to himself, etc. No ID so it takes them a few days to figure out who he is, guess he was a known drug mule and was wanted for questioning after running from the cops. He had 7-10 condoms full of LSD (and maybe other things, who knows) in his ass and a few of them burst as he was running. The few days he was at the hospital, he would freak out if anyone came near him because he though he was a glass of orange juice and if he got bumped he'd spill and die. I guess they hauled him away to jail/county/who knows once the cops found out it was him
I call bs

Paramedic here. Had a call for a mid 20ish guy with some kind of developmental disability. Family said he's on a supplement kick to get ripped like john cena. guy took a whole bottle of caffeine pills aka 20,000 mg of caffeine. He was throwing runs of v tach and freaking the fuck out. When I called in the report i had to confirm like 3 times:
MICN: " Copy. 200mg of caffeine"
Me: "negative. 20,000mg"
MICN: "copy correction. 2,000mg"
Me: "negative. Twenty. Thousand. Milligrams."
MICN: "......copy. We'll have a team standing by"

Damn lol
what happened to him? Why would he take 20,000mg of caffiene pills? Ridiculous

When the hospital starts doing that...
HEY FUCK STICK....V TACH

Why do they always put the most Phillipino employee in the hospital on the goddamn radio

Keep the post alive, I want more stories after work

it's all they're good for.
better they take calls rather than something serious like administering or stocking drugs

There's no way 20g of caffeine isn't a lethal dose.

Took him to the county base/trauma center that's also a huge teaching hospital. There were like 12 students, 4 residents, a cardiologist, pharmacy, a billion nurses, and a couple attendings to take a look at him. Consensus was "eh lets see what happens. Give him some fluids."

*shrug*

That was apparently a new one for everybody

>be old
>get away with public masturbation because "probably dementia"
Who wouldn't?

op is a nigger

Medic again. Got a call on a Sunday morning for a stabbing, PD on scene. Get there and cops say "you're gonna want some extra sheets and a translator" aight. My spanish is decent enough for a call. Nope. It's a young chinese guy who tried to slash his throat with a butcher knife because his dad was disappointed in him or some shit. Looks like it's just the one cut but while in route to TC, the bumpy ride causes some of the scab to open up and showed multiple lacs. This fucker was determined but never hit the artery.
Wasn't even hypotensive