So b. Why tell me your best joke

So b. Why tell me your best joke.

Good question, and I don't have a good answer for you.
So I won't.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

Women's rights.

Two gay men walk into a bar.
One says to the other "Here, let me push your stool in.".

I'm going to use that at Sunday dinner this week - they'll love it.

Why did humpty dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
So he could see her crack

The 19th Amendment

A priest and a Rabbi pass an 8-year-old boy on the street. The priest says, “hey, let’s fuck him!” And the rabbi responds, “out of what?”

KEK

A boy came up and asked his dad:
>Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?
His dad replied:
>go and ask you mother if she would fuck Tom Brady for a million dollars and them tell me her answer
>son goes and asks his mother.
Mom:
>don't you dare tell your father a thing, but I would.
>it would get us out of debt and we could afford to send you kids to college.
Son goes back and tells his dad the answer. He nods and says:
>now go ask your older sister if she would fuck Tom Brady for a million dollars?
>son asks older sister
>Of course.
>I could take that money, buy my own place, a car and I could get away from Dad-he's such a fucking shitlord!
Son goes back and tells his dad.
Dad nods.
>now go ask your older brother if he'd sleep with Tom Brady for a million dollars
>son asks older brother
Brother:
>Are you kidding? Do you know how much that is? For a million dollars I'd open up my ass, suck his cock and do anything he wanted!
Son goes back and tells his dad.
He nods again, and says
>See son, this is the difference between theory and reality:
>In theory, we're sitting on three million dollars.
>All we have to do is call up Tom Brady and we're rich.
>In reality, we're living with two whores and a faggot.

Spell app

How does sonic the hedgehog stay in shape?
By fasting.

What's the best thing about pedophilia?
How big your dick is in their hands.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards to land in the water
cause if they went forwards they'd land in the boat

Why do black people smell so bad?
So blind people can hate them too.

Top kek

What's the difference between a baby and jelly? Jelly doesn't cry when you spread it.

Said to my girl, I'd like a little pussy.
She said, so would I. Mines huge.

A blind man walks into a store with a seeing eye dog. He takes the dog by the tail, and starts to spin it in circles. One of the store clerks comes up to him and says, "May I help you with
something?" And the bind person says, "No thanks, I'm just looking around."

That’s just fucking sick

Top kek. Saved.

Niggers

What's the difference between rape and necrophilia?

About five minutes.

pedophiles are fucking immature assholes

Guy is in terrible car wreck.
Wakes up in hospital.
Doctor tells him the couldn't save his dick.
Good news, they have a plastic surgeon that transplants dicks.
Bad news insurance doesn't cover it.
6 inch dick is $5000, 9 inch is $10,000.
Talk it over with your wife and let me know in the morning.
Next day doctor ask what they decided.
Guy says "we are getting granite counter tops"

A deer walks out of a gay bar and says i cant believe i blew 20 bucks in there

goddamnit I lost

my fucking sides

A man was tired of his wife and wanted out of his marriage, but didn't want to divorce her because she was loaded and had an ironclad prenup. So he decides to hire a hitman.
After a week of asking around, he finds someone she thinks he can trust.
>calls him up on a burner phone and arranges a meeting at a coffee shop
>stocky middle aged man
>"call me Artie"
>okay Artie, I want you to kill my wife
>"why should I kill her?"
>he tells her the litany of her crimes
>"Se sounds like a real cunt. Tell you what-I'll kill her for free."
>Oh no you don't. I know how this works.
>For all I know you'll drop a dime on me right after we leave from this meeting.
>I'll go to jail for attempted murder and get nothing, and meanwhile you're a hero who saved a damsel in distress and probably gets a fat reward.
>If I go down, you're going down with me!
>"Alright, tell you what-give me $5."
>"Now if I go to the cops they've got me on murder-for-hire charges too. Happy?"
>he is satisfied
>"One last thing: if you're with her when I am there to kill her, I'm killing you too."
>"I don't leave witnesses, understand?"
>he agrees, gives him her address and tells him he will be away from him on thursday evening
Thursday evening arrives
>wife comes home from work
>Artie is waiting inside
>lunges at wife
>she gets away
>runs to nearby supermarket
>Artie is in hot pursuit
>runs inside
>makes it to bathroom door when Artie grabs her
>Strangles her
>cashier hears the struggle
>sees Artie, shrieks
>Artie grabs her, throws her to the ground and strangles her
>manager heard the screaming, calls cops, starts trying to save cashier
>Artie overpowers manager and strangles him as well
>by this time cops have arrived
>arrest Artie
>during questioning the whole story comes out
Newspaper headline the next day:
>SHOPPERS IN SHOCK
>ARTIE CHOKES 3 FOR $5 AT LOCAL MARKET

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house, and a 10 year old boy answers. He’s got a glass of scotch in one hand, a cigar in his mouth, and a rolled up Hustler under his arm. The salesman asks, “Little boy, are your parents home?” The boy says, “what the fuck do you think?”

I won so hard. Got first place. ur fuckin terrible

Two old Jewish women are at a bar. One asks the other, “Ruthie, how’s your sex life?” She says, “Well, when I was younger, my asshole was the size of a dime. Now, it’s the size of a quarter.” Her friend says, “What are you bitching about 15 cents for?”

My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night she called me from a motel.

What’s the difference between pussy and mashed potatoes? Mashed potatoes don’t make their own gravy.

A christian, a muslim and a jew walk into a bar

"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE"

What’s the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your family you’re gay.

Want to hear a pizza joke? No, it's too cheesy.

What do climbing Mt Everest and getting a blow job from Whoopie Goldberg have in common? In both cases, you don't want to look down.

underated.

saving this one in meat memory

Wat

A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch".

Saved in meat memory. Thx user. a gem

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizza doesn't scream when you push it in the oven.

how does a nigress tell if she's pregnant?

pull the tampon out and see if the cotton is gone

What’s the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic oyster shucker? One of them shucks between fits.

You're not married are you?

What do you call a bear with no teeth?


A gummy bear.

Why do they make aspirin white?

Because you want them to work.

Nope.

An American, a Frenchman and a Polack were stranded on a desert island when they saw a bottle with a cork in it and opened it up.
Out pops a Genie
>thank you for freeing me from my prison,
>As a token of my gratitude, I will grant each of you one wish.

American:
>I wish to be back at home, safe and secure with my family.
The genie nods and he vanishes.

Frenchman:
>I wish to be back in Nice with my wife
Another nod from the Genie and he is gone.

Polack:
>Wow. It's really lonely out here now.
>I wish I could see my friends again.

That's why

i dont get it either. oh well

Did you hear about the 2 gay guys down the block? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

giggled

One day you will, and it will sadden the fuck out of you.

So it's not a funny joke, roger that.

“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”
good joke
everybody laugh
roll on snare drum

What's big, pink and drags on the bottom of the ocean? Moby's dick.

What does a 90-year old woman taste like?

Depends.

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Suck its cock.

Theres this guy at his apartment and he smoking weed for his therapy session.
his neighbors dispize him and call the cops after smelling a batch cause he refuses to share.
As the police appear and smell this outside his door, they bang on the door.
>BANG!BANG! "Open up, it's the police." Calmly he goes to the door, douses his light and puts his magic bag of weed into his back pocket.
Opening the door, the officer demands to search the place, as he goes, he find his magic bag of weed and says.
>"AH HA! Caught you red handed"
the officer snickers.
His neighbors boil with laughter inside thinking he will go to jail until the man speak.
>"Ahem, I have a reason for this."
With the officer rolling his eyes to hear the story he lets him proceed.
>"You see officer this is is a magic bag of weed, I can't keep it off me because every time I flush it down the toilet, it jumps right back out again and into my back pocket."
Frowning the officer is laughing with an argument back and forth on finding this whole story ridiculous.
>"Fine I'll prove it to you!"
The man shouts.
The officer gives him the bag confidently and watches him empty it into the toilet were he flushes it down the toilet. When nothing appears the officer goes.
>"Well?"
Smirking the man goes
>"Well what?"
With the neighbors mouths gaped opened the officer becomes annoyed.
"Where the hells the drugs at?"
The man smirks again.
"Walk the dinosaur"

The other day I was eating my grandma’s pussy and I said, “hey, this tastes like horse cum!” And then I remembered how she died.

What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?

Sparky.

Why don’t black people dream?

The last one who had one got shot.

i'm a go 'head an label this NOT WORTH THE READ

Why did the leper hockey game get cancelled? There was a face off in the corner

LOL

Not even what a theory is...

Why did the leper pitcher get benched?
He threw his arm out.

A baby seal walks into a club.

how does a German guy get a jewish girls number lifts up her sleeve

How do you pick up a Jewish girl in Germany?

With a dustpan.

My life

A mouse walks into a bar
Bartender says
>we don't serve mice here
Mouse says
>In that case, I'll have a beer.

I can't read a girl like a book, but I do like to thumb the pages every so often.

Quality control at a mirror factory is a job I could see myself doing.

I get it user. I get it

...

What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.

Two peanuts were walking through the park at night. One of them was a salted.

I think I may hate you for that.

What's worse than a dump truck full of dead babies?
>one that eats its way out
What's worse than that?
>it goes back for seconds.

How do you get a hippie girl pregnant?

Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

>911, what's your emergency?
>We were out deer hunting! My friend's collapsed! I think he might be dead!
>Calm down, sir. I'm here to help. I'll talk you through what to do. First we need to confirm that he actually is dead.
*bang*
>Okay, now what?

Did you hear about the leper who went to see a prostitute?
He left her a tip.

A grasshopper goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer?

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer?

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

there were 3 fatty pigs walking around the city when thet see a gym offert
>Lose 10 kilos in 1 hour
so one of them decide to get in and ask to the person in charge what kind of exercises he has to do.
>you see that door at the end of the hall, get in there.
the pig goes through the door and see an incredible girl in the room, she is a perfect 10/10 and she was naked.
>If you manage to catch me you can fuck me.
the pig run as fast as he can in order to catch her, he run and run and run until finally catch her and fuck her.
when he leaves he realize he lost 10 kilos, he tell the other pig about this and another one want to do the same.
He leads to the gym and ask if there is a way to lose even more kilos.
>go to the 2nd floor and get in the last door.
the pig walks to there and open the door.
He see a godlike woman she can perfectly be the most beautiful woman in the entire world.
>If you manage to catch me you can fuck me.
the pig run like hell behind her, he almost turns on fire but can catch her an fuck her.
when he leaves the gym he notice how he lost 25 kilos, so run to tell it to the last pig.
He run to the gym and say to the person in charge that he wanted to lose 50 kilos.
>Go to the last floor and opern the door.
he run and in less than 2 minutes he is in front of the door, he open it and enter to the room.
inmidiatly behind him the door close and lock and he looks to the other side of the room, he scary realize a black man of almost 2 meters completly naked with an 10 inches dick.
>If i catch you I fuck you.

...

What's the worst thing?
Trying to get blood out of your clown suit

Underrated.
Though not as bad as the time I told the hot genie I wanted a little head

no.

We had to call the vet out to the farm last night. Thought Bessie had caught Mad Cow Disease. Turns out it was just Irritable Cow Syndrome.

I don't get it either

a classic, thank you, good sir.

wtf is this shit, you suck loser

It's a lame joke, but using Hitler made it awesome.
What does an elephant use for a tampon? A sheep with a rope tied around its neck.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I've never paid 50 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

How can you quadruple the number of seats in a gay bar?
Turn the stools over!

What do you do if you see an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

I tried watching the eclipse through a colander. I think I strained my eyes.

im keking so hard at this one

a definite save.