ITT: OC greentexts

ITT: OC greentexts
I would start it, but my greentext is quite long and I think the mods don't like it if you post like 8x 2000 character walls of text.
Any stories anyone?

Other urls found in this thread:

time.com/4703977/pregnant-model-train-tracks-killed/
twitter.com/NSFWRedditVideo

>inb4 kys fag

What was it about ?

I got a cringy tinder experience one I'll share

>be me
>get tinder cause lonely tard
>match with a girl 45 minutes away
>seems like a sweet girl over the phone, a little chubby but it's aight
>meet up the following Friday
>she asks me to get in her car cause she has to run some errands
>autisticly get in
>as we're driving she starts telling me she hates gays because her ex cheated on her with men
>coolimactuallybiandwoukdfuckyourexbeforeyou.rar
>hoe drives around for 2 hours
before we finally go get ice cream from sonic
>get myself an Oreo Cheesecake milkshake
>she says "I hate cheesecake"
>just say "okay" but inside was really pissed off
>didn't say anything the rest of the time we were together
>she finally drops me off at my car and says she had a great time
>"y-yeah thanks"
>get in my car and block her on all media as she drives away thinking she did good

I don't fuck with bitches that hate cheesecake

It's sort of difficult to explain until you read it but it's well worth the read according to some anons.

It seems safe now. I'm not just posting into the void.
I'll post without further delay.

>be me
>be 14
>recently started highschool
>make enemies as easily as I make friends
>some midget child takes a particular disliking to me
>turns out he's a Jew
>muh germanic heritage
>anyways.txt
>never owned an umbrella before
>have always used father's or brother's
>rains torrentially after school, drenching me
>take personal offence to this and proceed to find the cheapest umbrella out there
>still own the umbrella to this day
>half a dollar and isn't too shabby
>has some fake wood handle which looks nice despite its fakeness and it's very compact - one of those flimsy retractable ones
>it deploys by powerful internal spring operation
>sidetracked_again.autism
>buy it
>turn up to school the next day
>short Juden is acting like he owns the place
>I happen to be within range
>pulls out his slingshot and by chance hits me in the head with a small steel bb
>he is amused
>be not amused
>later that day in gym class or whatever you want to call it
>sitting on sideline of football match waiting to play when ball flies through the air at mach 0.86 and is going to hit some user in the face
>the power of the umbrella enhances my reflexes and I catch the ball on the collapsed canopy of the retracted umbrella, decelerating it to a stop and balancing it on the side like a ball on a bat
>silence as people try to figure out what just happened
>wtf.umbrella
>user and I become friends
>he is half Japanese
>go to changing room and the Juden is noisily shit talking
>other Jew tells him to stfu
>Juden dismisses it and decides to start mocking my new friend's eyes
>axis powers intensify
>jump up onto one of the benches with umbrella in hand, challenging Juden to a duel
>I_have_the_high_ground.fag
>makes the mistake of saying I lost the war
>Deutschland, Deutschland über alles
>point umbrella at his face and press the release button
>the umbrella impacts the centre of his melon and he is stunned, stumbling backwards into the concrete wall
(tbc)

>the umbrella is now infamous
>no further confrontation with Juden for a long time
>fat English friend of mine sits on the umbrella inadvertently
>it is destroyed
>there is widespread disappointment at the news of its demise
>return home
>assess the damage and considering how much I enjoy fixing things I accept the challenge
>rule one: can only use parts which come off the umbrella to repair it and one type of glue
>rule two: no special tools - a hammer and pliers only
>rule three: must be repaired of damage by the following day it was incurred
>tricky fix and some features were sacrificed but I arrive at school the next day triumphantly
>next day
>umbrella meme intensifies
>umbrella is found by many students to be amusing
>umbrella is snatched from my grasp and used to beat someone over the head
>umbrella is destroyed in the process
>news of its second demise circulates
>kid who got hit complains to the powers that be
>foreshadow-tron fires up in the background
>school assembly next day
>umbrellas now require a permit to say that they are safely designed and cannot be used as weapons or will be confiscated
>George Orwell coughs loudly in the back row
>I obtain my umbrella permit and it is registered in the school's health and safety database
>fast forward four days
>an unsolicited game of capture the umbrella breaks out and the handle comes off among other things
>obviously has been trodden on
>quickly gather the pieces to conceal the damage as I risk having my umbrella permit voided
>perform crude surgery on the umbrella for which I am starting to become a bit sentimental
>turn up next day with umbrella
>no longer extends properly and a locking pin is needed to secure it in the deployed position but still works
>umbrella has become legendary and students ask if they can hold it
>almost all of the teachers have no idea what is going on and those who do are believers in the umbrella's power
>fast forward two days
(tbc)

I fucked it up disregard the last one

>he has hit his head and looks like he is having a stroke
>heh
>the umbrella is now infamous
>no further confrontation with Juden for a long time
>fat English friend of mine sits on the umbrella inadvertently
>it is destroyed
>there is widespread disappointment at the news of its demise
>return home
>assess the damage and considering how much I enjoy fixing things I accept the challenge
>rule one: can only use parts which come off the umbrella to repair it and one type of glue
>rule two: no special tools - a hammer and pliers only
>rule three: must be repaired of damage by the following day it was incurred
>tricky fix and some features were sacrificed but I arrive at school the next day triumphantly
>next day
>umbrella meme intensifies
>umbrella is found by many students to be amusing
>umbrella is snatched from my grasp and used to beat someone over the head
>umbrella is destroyed in the process
>news of its second demise circulates
>kid who got hit complains to the powers that be
>foreshadow-tron fires up in the background
>school assembly next day
>umbrellas now require a permit to say that they are safely designed and cannot be used as weapons or will be confiscated
>George Orwell coughs loudly in the back row
>I obtain my umbrella permit and it is registered in the school's health and safety database
>fast forward four days
>an unsolicited game of capture the umbrella breaks out and the handle comes off among other things
>obviously has been trodden on
>quickly gather the pieces to conceal the damage as I risk having my umbrella permit voided
>perform crude surgery on the umbrella for which I am starting to become a bit sentimental
>turn up next day with umbrella
>no longer extends properly and a locking pin is needed to secure it in the deployed position but still works
>umbrella has become legendary and students ask if they can hold it
>almost all of the teachers have no idea what is going on and those who do are believers in the umbrella's power
(tbc)

>fast forward two days
>umbrella is the victim of a hit and run attack
>four seniors ambush me and take the umbrella
>news gets out and an all out banzai charge takes place with half the junior school hunting down the four seniors that took it
>the operation was a failure
>one week later the umbrella is found in a roadside drain
>next day
>user student kneels before me and returns the umbrella ceremoniously
>he is rewarded for his diligence and honesty in slushie format
>umbrella is critically damaged and the fabric canopy has almost completely come off but I manage to repair it
>umbrella is now barely functional but still it continues to prove undefeatable and my umbrella permit is still valid
>two minor inversions due to wind take place over the next week and then the approaching summer no longer necessitates the presence of the umbrella
>decide to leave it at home for the duration of the summer for the sake of preservation despite many disciples of the umbrella trying to convince me otherwise
>fast forward four months
>a freak rainstorm sparks fake news of the umbrella's second coming
>the hype dies down after another two months but a buzz slowly builds as the dry season draws to a close
>winteriscoming.cringe
>prophesy the return of the umbrella after the school holidays
>cult grows over the two week break
>copycat umbrellas appear with others attempting to capture some of my umbrella's followers but my umbrella proves to be truly unique and they uphold the ways of the one and only true umbrella
>"thou shall have no other umbrellas before me"
>one week into the semester
>my nemesis tries messing with me again as he has grown resentful
>tries to get the school's history club which is basically the Soviet Union club to beat the shit out of me
>they impolitely decline
>tries to get his older brother to beat the shit out of me on the football pitch during lunchtime in broad view of several teachers
>he impolitely accepts
(tbc) It's a long one

>people notice the scenario and begin watching
>he is the least coordinated person I have ever seen
>swings wildly at me and I don't even need to duck
>everyone is now watching intently
>two female teachers are frantically trying to arrive at the epicentre to break up the fight, one of them almost passing out from the exertion of a light jog
>one male teacher is seen laughing his arse off as soon as the lunatic swings
>swift strike to the side of his head with the umbrella which had slowly become lighter and more agile
>he slips in the mud, surprised at the speed of the umbrella
>laugh_track.wav
>about to be suspended for using a weapon despite it being in self defence
>have idea
>pull out tattered umbrella permit and verify that it was deemed safe for the school and did not count as a weapon
>charges dropped and parents were told about the incident but no punishment was issued
>Juden brother claimed he was just playing around and that it was a misunderstanding, thus avoiding his own punishment
>umbrella is now a mainstream meme in school and is almost confiscated on numerous occasions
>teachers are beginning to realise the power of the umbrella and many seek to harness it
>half Japanese friend now uses the umbrella for shading himself from the sun when I need someone else to carry it
>teachers can do nothing to take it from him as it is used for his health and safety
>fast forward four weeks
>waiting for bus
>a challenger appears
>Juden-child deftly relieves me of the umbrella
>audible titanic theme
>a bus is pulling away from the stop, some of the students on it seeing the traumatic event unfolding while the crowd at the stop looks on in shock
>Juden-child thrusts the umbrella beneath the rear tyres of the bus and there is a sickening crunch
>he quickly gets into his getaway vehicle before chaos ensues, obviously having thoroughly planned the operation beforehand
>there is great sorrow and mourners are gathering at the carcass like respectful vultures
(tbc)

>Juden-child has triumphed
>feels bad man
>crowd parts to allow clear access
>the damage is catastrophic
>it has become two dimensional
>metal struts all squashed and shards of fake wood handle everywhere
>gather as much of its remains as possible
>umbrella permit has definitely expired now
>get home
>1986 MacGyver theme plays at full volume in my head for seven hours straight
>next day
>enter the school gates solemn
>umbrella is not seen on me and word quickly spreads confirming the worst
>in school assembly
>umbrellas are now banned due to a health and safety "incident" and a strict raincoat only policy is enforced with a one day grace period to buy a raincoat
>George Orwell blasts air horn from back row, screeching in newspeak
>must choose the perfect time
>students leaving the assembly hall in a miserable state with me leading the parade
>quickly whip out the umbrella which I have been concealing inside my jacket for the past four hours
>raise it up above my head for all to see
>there is a collective scree from several hundred teenagers
>many are in disbelief
>it was missing half of its parts with around a third of the supporting arms and could no longer extend forwards at all but it could open, close and keep me somewhat dry and it was good enough for the masses
>there was still hope
>fearing confiscation, the umbrella is not seen again for some time
>parent of a really obese kid writes to the school complaining that no raincoats were large enough for the child
>said child "could no longer wear a tarpaulin in the event of rain as it was too embarrassing"
>get contacted by the school dean to dispose of the umbrella under their supervision and to get a new one
>agree
>umbrellas are unbanned and George Orwell chills out for a second, wiping the froth from his mouth
>decide to form a secret society and inform them on the matter under extreme secrecy
>despite this, the KGB somehow finds out the details
>of_course.pdf
(tbc)

>dispose of the umbrella under the supervision of the dean after school
>heavy handedly place it into the dumpster and the dean closes it up, imagining this is the end of the ordeal
>some legend wearing a ski mask is sitting in the dumpster waiting for it and after around half a minute some rummaging is heard inside
>tfw they must have placed an operative in every single dumpster to ensure they captured the umbrella
>lid flings open with a tremendous crash and the dean whirls around to see a kid in a mask clutching the umbrella, running away and screaming "for the motherland!" trailing the flag of the USSR
>dean becomes the human manifestation of anger
>error 404
>culprit not found
>peace treaty is signed with the commies and the umbrella is gifted to the newly formed secret umbrella society but it's location is only ever known by two people at any given time
>the KGB proves very good at making sure nobody knows where it is, as soon I only see it for routine maintenance
>it occasionally makes an appearance during lunchtime which always causes a commotion
>fast forward one year
>KGB has devised special procedures to ensure the protection of the umbrella
>umbrella must be exchanged for a special fifty cent coin every time it changes hands as a gesture of purchase for its original price
>the fifty cent coin is marked and is circulated to the next operative that is chosen to keep the umbrella
>umbrella is black
>umbrella is codenamed "Fifty Cent"
>the teachers are kept highly confused due to our underground networks of fake news sources which make identifying any suspect a nightmare
>questioned repeatedly on its location but I give them nothing, saying I don't know where it is and that I haven't seen it since it was stolen
>questioned on the secret umbrella society
>imply that the notion of an underground network of students trying to conceal the location of a mangled umbrella because it's a meme and borderline cult is ridiculous while appreciating the irony
(tbc)

>fast forward a few weeks
>umbrella is returned to me for maintenance by one of my assigned KGB contacts
>umbrella is seen in my possession by some CIA pig working for the teachers
>umbrella is confiscated from me after dean shows up and gives me a lecture on discipline and honesty
>there is a purge in the secret society after two double agents are exposed
>KGB makes life difficult for them
>some assignments are "misplaced" and they lose friends
>they move schools
>lone wolf gets into trouble and reports to the KGB that the umbrella has been broken in two and is in the dean's office bin
>KGB user chick is on office notice runner duty
>KGB user chick waits for planned diversion
>dean is outside of their office, attending to a "scuffle" between KGB operatives
>umbrella is recovered just before the janitor empties the bin
>KGB anons commended for their impeccable and professional planning
>small offcuts of the fabric canopy which were removed during maintenance are awarded to them as patches
>umbrella is returned to me to be repaired
>fast forward two days
>news of the umbrella's confiscation and demise is confirmed smugly by the dean in school assembly
>umbrella reappears in the school cafeteria during lunch break
>his_face_when.wat
>last weeks of winter and weather seems to be almost clear
>umbrella has been broken many more times in transit between operatives but I have fixed it each time
>it is in my possession on the eleventh of August
>it would be the darkest day in the history of the school
>8/11
>light drizzle begins while on the bus home from school
>think nothing of it
>get off the bus
>hail begins
>little marbles hitting my head so I pull out the umbrella
>this is the first known time it has been used to shield someone from the weather in months
>still works
>feels good man
>tragedy strikes
>marbles begin to increase in size
(tbc)

>hailstone the size of a tennis ball impacts the top of the metal shaft and the ball of ice shatters along with the entire umbrella
>wrist hurts like fuck
>some of the ice has gone down the back of my jacket
>feels disgruntled man
>then it hits me like the hailstone should have
>that moment when you realise that by sacrificing itself, the umbrella saved your life
>damage is so severe that the umbrella is now unrecognisable as having been an umbrella
>when the only thing that could possibly kill the umbrella after surviving years of abuse is the very thing it's designed to be able to handle
>the weather
>irony.wtf
>reports of the final demise of the umbrella are slow to filter into the student consciousness
>confirm that the umbrella had been destroyed in saving me from almost certain death
>teachers all smug
>dean is smug
>the society is in ruins
>someone tries to make a new umbrella by breaking one slightly and doing a real shit job of fixing it
>it's not the same and nobody follows
>school morale is at an all time low
>wailing and gnashing of teeth
>eventually school life begins to move on but there is still a void which could only have been filled by the umbrella
>former society members and the KGB threaten to leak each other's identities as the treaty collapses into a war of mutually assured detentions
>fast forward a lot to my last couple of weeks of high school
>find the mangled remains of what once was the umbrella down the side of my bed
>get chills
>maniacal_grin.kek
>fast forward one week
>last week of high school
>the secret umbrella society is brought back together and the peace treaty with the commies is reinstated
>worked harder on rebuilding the umbrella than I did on any of my subjects that year
>last day
>worth it
(tbc)

>walk into final assembly very late through double doors at the back of the hall with the umbrella open over my head
>it's stitched together and comprised of approximately 30% of the materials it was made from and it is only semi-waterproof but it still works
>and it was back
>loudly hum some rap music from early 2000s
>everyone hears and turns around
>looks of disbelief
>lolwut.ayylmao
>the look on Juden-manlet's face
>the look on the dean's face
>the look on my face
>the final triumph
>the umbrella is given a name on that last day
>it is the genuine umbrella
>it is an anorexic umbrella
>it is almost a sun umbrella

>it is the real slim shady

>guess who's back
>back again
>shady's back
>tell a friend
>...

I loled

I read all that. Not sure what to make of it. But then I'm Jewish.

I got nothing against ye dudes.
Just that one guy hated me.
Was good friends with one actually.
Polish guy.
You're brave coming to Sup Forums and openly saying that...

Its all good. He did sound like a dick t b h. Being a midget can't help
I'm wondering if I should dump a greentext now. You know in the spirit of things...
Ah gimme a couple minutes. Be back with my story.

>> I never lernt to greentexts

Dude, put 1/356 under that so I know not to waste my time. Good thing after the first one I scrolled to see how many there were... Shorten that shit or put a tl;dr at least you noob.

> be me studying for paramedic certificate
> just started, saying yes to every shift
> mostly in comms room, not much time on the road
> finish night shift, 0630 driving thru traffic
> sun rising, warm morning, cozy
> end of my set so have few days off, gonna get a few groceries on the way home
> drive alongside park, see a few people standing around
> somethings not right, look harder
> a woman is doing CPR, someone's on their phone pacing
> OK user, time to man up
> pull over, race across screaming 'ive got this!' -lol no, i didnt do that
> am in uniform so everyone clears a path for me
> feel like Moses and the red sea
> start compressions
> pt is in his 40s, cardiac RX, 2 stents. This is his first time jogging since surgery only six weeks ago
> stupid fuck, who does that?
> wife and best friend say he just collapsed
> not looking good, he is grey, I'm thinking probably gonna be stat 0
> hear sirens, cool back up will be here shortly
> couple units arrive, also police
> we take turns working on this guy
> my turn again, look up to see a young poo in loo staring at me like I'm a rock star
> about 20 mins in get a stable rhythm
> pt transported to hospital
> with the show over everyone disperses
> I'm left standing there on my own
> literally everyone has fucked off
> I'm sweating, adrenaline is pumping
> stay have a cigarette
> cute jogger goes past, gives me a suspicious 'wtf is this guy doing in uniform smoking, sweating like a pig, clearly he's a rapist.'
> I'm thinking fuck you bitch I just saved a mans life
> get back in car drive to supermarket do my weekly shop
> awesome my fav ice cream is half price
> go home and sleep

>be cashier/dairy wagecuck
>work at small grocery store in college town
>have basically the best selection of beer in a town of beer snobs
>fuckton of 21-30 year olds
>young people store
>anyway, fuck all this context
>literally just today, be bored while facing shelves with coworkers
>decide to make up some shitty puns to be the Funny Coworker (all rights reserved)
>facing cereal
"Hey, why can't a frosted mini wheat be a photographer? The pictures would be too grainy."
"Haha, shut up user."
>facing chips
"These chips are too stressed out man. They really need to get Lay-d"
"Oh my god user."
>facing pasta sauce
"Hey, why'd the alfredo sauce get an abortion? She was Prego!"
>coworker is silent
>does the horror movie "stare at something horrifying standing behind the other guy" schpiel
>jerk head around
>appalled pregnant lady standing right behind me with her husband
>mfw

kekd good

> Maybe 6th grade
> Invite weird fatlord over for sleepover because why not, poor guy probably never had a friend
> Had some other friends over too
> Fatlord first to fall asleep
> We all piss on his crotch so when he wakes up he will think he had an accident
> We're all woken by my mom in the morning for breakfast
> Pisslord stuffing his shit in his bag hastily
> "Fatfriend, aren't you staying for breakfast?"
> "N-no, I have to go now"
> He walks towards the door
> "Dude who pissed in the bed!"
> Fatboi starts hauling ass out the door
> Runs home down the street in piss drenched clothes, holding a poorly packed bag
> Don't see pisslord until high school
> True neckbeard, obvious issues

how severe was the beating?

I managed to avoid it by trying desperately to avoid eye contact and muttering "s-sorry, oh my god so sorry s-sorry oh god"

We'll see if I have a job tomorrow, she definitely asked to see a manager

Currently training as a pilot.
Wanting to fly is what keeps you interested.
The go home and sleep thing is what keeps you going.

Good thing you're only an entry level fuck, you'll be able to find a similar job soon enough.

That's not something you should be able to lose your job over though..
Your biggest crime was just making a deliberately bad joke......

...

That's a very poetic summary. A beautiful use of the English language.

One of the best greentexts tbh

>be me
>want to know OP's iliad-tier epic
>but he's too much of a faggot to tell it
here now you go

Wait, I'm confused. Did you miss the colossal walls of text?

is all this shit worth the read?

some *cough* others reckon it was.
just don't ruin the punchline or it won't be.

No, may I suggest reading another piece of literature instead? You'll probably finish this in half the time and get much more out of it. Pic relatable

Yep! replied without scrolling. Hit the third one or so and realized I'm a retard.
Lesson learned… maybe.

lol
thanks

>few years ago friend and I are working together at a liquor store
>it's saturday night, mostly college kids and soccer moms
>this yuppie couple walks in, they've already been doing some partying from the looks of it
>both are hyper and giggly, keep sniffing like they have allergies
>think nothing of it
>girl asks if she can use the restroom, sure whatever
>she comes out a couple minutes later rubbing her nose
>guy then goes in, comes out doing the same thing
>they buy a couple bottles of wine and leave
>friend goes into bathroom because he's suspicious
>HOLY SHIT user THEY WERE DOING COKE IN THE BATHROOM
>wut.jpg
>tank cover of the toilet was wiped completely clean, no dust or anything
>crazy bastards literally just wiped down our toilet so they could snort coke off it
I got a lot of weird stories from that place.

Well thank you for this fine suggestion. I'll get to the next library with haste

you're a huge piece of shit.

Yeah, it's a coming of age story: heros, enemies, legendary items

How did you even come to the decision to do this
>H-hey guys, w-w-wouldn't it be funny if we peed, if we peed on fatso while he sleeps? Haha, sure would be funny...

I screenshotted a story I posted once, mostly because it did fairly well

well played

I didn't write this, sadly, but I made the screenshot. Backstory is some dumb pregnant negress (in Texas I'm pretty sure) elected not to go to college and instead pursue a "modeling" career. She decides to model on the train tracks and somehow manages to get run over.

>those last two lines
kek

Was good but

It was not. Now I'm gonna assrape you

Gerrard's?

How would you not notice a train coming along?
Was she deaf, blind or both?

>grow up in memphis
>next door neighbor and best friend is a black girl
>one day we're out playing in the backyard
>the George of the Jungle movie had just came out in theatres
>decide to climb a tree and pretend we're in the movie
>trying to figure out who's gonna be who
>tell her I'll be george and she can be ape since she's dark enough
>immediately realize i fucked up
>managed to calm her down but I never brought up george of the jungle after that

I have no idea, that's what we were all laughing so hard about. Source btw:

time.com/4703977/pregnant-model-train-tracks-killed/

The article says the accident happened on the intersection of two tracks, so if you were standing on the northern junction, you may not immediately notice a train hurling at you from across the road from the East.
Still probably nobody took care at all.

>cooking curry
>see Sup Forums posts
>curry stuck on pan

Would have thought the driver would sound the horn.. maybe they couldn't hear it until it was too late.
Still, I'd make sure I was well clear of any train on the move. I imagine its actually illegal to be that close to a moving train for security reasons.

>at work one night, it's around 8pm
>get up to go to the bathroom and notice my boxers are wet
>like really wet, like i just came
>confused, walk to the bathroom and unzip pants
>pull my dick out and it's covered in blood, boxers are pooling with it
>really concerned but still have to pee
>piss blood, whole toilet bowl looks like it's full of koolaid
>don't even flush, go back out and grab my friend
>"hey uh....you need to see this"
>"user i dont want to see your big dump"
>"no seriously, just go in there and look"
>i'm acting weird so he decides to check it out
>"dude what the fuck do you need to go to the ER?"
>tell him i'll wait and see, really hate going to the ER
>sit behind the counter for a half hour, can literally feel the blood oozing out of my urethra
>have to wrap my dick in paper towels to keep jeans from getting stained
>after a half hour give up, tell him I'm going to the ER
>get to ER, tell lady at the desk my dick is bleeding
>have to wait for an hour just to get assigned a room, dick is still leaking blood
>two different nurses come in throughout the night, both are qts
>have to explain to them and to the doctor that my dick is spontaneously bleeding
>they do a few external scans, it's a UTI but they have no idea what caused it
>get home at 12:30am annoyed and embarrassed as fuck
Nothing will ever embarrass me again.

I'm glad you're OK user. That sounds scary AF.

I just wish I knew what caused it. But I think I know how girls feel when they're on their periods now.

The ER doc told me that since they couldn't find the cause, I'd have to go to a urologist and have him stick a camera up my dick and into my bladder to figure out what was wrong. I didn't really like the sound of that so I just chugged cranberry juice for a month and the problem fixed itself.

> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets.
> Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind.
> But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too.
> This was when the gears started turning.
> The moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is.
> I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.”
> Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it.
> He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.”
> By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying.
> Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say
> “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store.
> The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass.
> She just stares at me wide eyed.
> I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier
> All the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor.
> And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.


> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

I know my granddad had a uti but he's about 85. From talking to the nurse at the home I just assumed it happens to all of us. But not til you're like in your 70s.

Can relate to having your junk manhandled. Ive had a swabby thing stuck up my dick. Checking for STDs. Wasn't pleasant.

I approve of this message. Well done sir.

I fucking hate kids

I didn't think you could get them unless you were old or swimming in a really gross pool. But nope, happened to me at 26.

Agreed, bet that little fucker wont be biting anyone for a while

>cooking Sup Forums posts
>see curry
>pan stuck on Sup Forums posts

Part 1: Faptom Blood
>finish 7th grade
>spend first few weeks of summer playing soccer until nightfall and watching Adult Swim until I pass out
>watch the shit out of King of the Hill
>had hit puberty (obviously), but only felt attraction to boobs, butts
>thought sex, masturbation, vaginas to be disgusting
> only ever "jack off" when I got a boner as a joke to myself
>would pull on dick a few times, grin like a dumbass, and do whatever else I had been doing
>one night, watching KotH
>get boner from Luanne being on screen
>"haha hey self, wouldn't it be so dumb if I masturbated?"
>"haha yeah man, do it lol"
>"haha here I go"
>pull on dick as usual
>kinda space out for the rest of episode, still yanking on dick
>as the last scene rolls around, suddenly have to pee
>clench dick as hard as I can
>shitshitshitshitshit
>dash to bathroom, piss this weird white shit all over the place
>clean up, hands shaking, sweating like a gagged fat kid in a donut shop
>mom'sspaghetti.jpeg
>get on google
>"penis help peeing white snot erection"
>find out that I just actually jacked off
>To be Continued...

>I fucking hate kids
Good shit. You'll save a lot of money.

Pls continue Chinese megadeath

Haha... worth the read.

Nice four-

WOAH

Part 2: Fapple Tendency
Also I think I wasted those quads

>fast forward a month
>having sleepover with Bionicle pal
Dunno if any of you were autistic enough to be the Bionicle kid in your middle school, but holy FUCK were they cool. LEGO made some badass action figures forever ago, and wound up making a whole game/comic/cinematic/literary universe based on them. This guy and I had fucktons of 'em, anyway
>get done fucking around with Bionicles for the day
>decide to watch some Bionicle, Pokemon, and other assorted autistic videos on YouTube
>lie flat on belly
>dick rubbing on the floor
>boner.gif
>had been jacking off regularly since the incident with Luanne
>"h-hey dude, I totally have a boner right now hahahaha"
>"...what the fuck man, hhahahahaa"
>"haha yeah, you ever watch porn?"
>wind up on "lezbos.com" because dick porn is gross
>friend looks uncomfortable
>"uh dude, do you jack off to this stuff?"
>"well... y-yeah"
>"do you like... want to?"
>"okay, but don't lemme make a mess"
>grab one of his dirty socks
>beat off
>3 feet from Bionicle bro
>Mata Nui frowning upon me in shame
>Bionicle bro making commentary the whole time
>"haha holy shit, you go way too hard man, it's a dick not a punching bag"
>nut in his sock
>To be Continued...

Bionicle was my jam.
You remember them spidery ones?
The ones that launched the little three bladed propellers which were inevitably lost down the side of a couch?

Part 3: Stardust Masturbators

>fast forward to high school
>classmates walking around in jean shorts, volleyball shorts, tight-as-fuck tank tops, etc.
>perpetual turboboners
>jacking off basically every day
>bathroom, locker room toilet stall, the alley by the train tracks south of the school
>think nothing of it, dudes are horny at this age
>be in wrestling
>be absolute shit at wrestling
>wind up spending most of my time at meets trying to
>"""""""""""""""""""""sneakily""""""""""""""""""""
>look up the girls' skirts, try to get creepshots, etc
>seniors apparently saw me one time
>get back to the host house after the meet
>"HEY DUMBLEDICK-
Oh, context. My name starts with D, and since I actually kicked ass at wrestling in middle school, my coach gave me the nickname "Big D." However, I just assumed physical strength came from lowkey pretending to be Bowser every time I entered the ring, so I never lifted and sucked shit at sports once I became a freshman. I quickly became "Big Dumb" since I had no idea how to play football. This was followed by "Dumbledore" because I liked Lord of the Rings and our seniors were troglodytes. "Dumbledick" became my official mantle to bear when our team's heavyweight forgot that I liked nerd shit and it just stuck
>"- did you get a good look up any skirts today?"
>"Haha, whaddaya mean?"
>"Don't gimme that shit you retard, you were trying to look at some pussy all day. You need to go jack off so you don't do that ghetto shit tomorrow."
>a junior chimed in
>"Sheeeeeit, he probably already did hahahaha"
>"Yeah haha, hey Dumbledick how often do you jack off anyway?"
>I have lost all hope and self respect by this point
>"Basically every fuckin' day"
>"HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUMBLEDICK"
>the next hour was spent with the whole team awkwardly interviewing me on my masturbation habits, including:
-which cartoon characters I wanted to fuck
-which actual girls I wanted to fuck
-which teachers I jack off to
>To be Concluded...

Check em

>newfags still falling for this stale pasta

Hurry up dumbledick

The visorak?
Fuck yeah man, my cousin had the whole set. I always liked the ball guys that could smash shit with their heads

Part 4: Dick is Unbreakable

>finally escape high school and the Dumbledick mantle along with it
>get to college, lose weight from years of not eating because depression because when your nickname is half Hogwarts professor, half penis, you don't have a lot of self esteem
>actually get laid fairly often
>mostly normie chicks
>except one really freaky slut
>stereotypical college freshman freak
>daddy kink, owned a color-coded bondage set, assorted buttplugs, the whole 9 yards
>start with light bondage, normal stuff
>eventually, she asks what I'm after
>finds out that I had never done anal
>make plans to try it with her that saturday
>find out that my roomie will even be out partying
>YES.jpeg.jpg.violentJ
>avoid jacking off for the next three days to supply my sexual servant's supple shit-chute with a surprisingly sized serving of succulent scrotum snot
>meet up with her about ten minutes after roomie leaves for the night
>start out with our usual routine of doggiestyle, light choking, and poorly-worded dirty talking
>eventually, she starts kissing me, applying lube to my dick with one hand, and lubing her ass with the other
>she guides me through the whole thing
>gently shove my head in and out at first, but she pulls me in so that I'm about halfway inside
>once she's comfortable, start going all the way in
>absolute fucking diamonds
>getting really into it when we hear raucous laughter from the elevator
>it sounds vaguely like someone who slept about five feet away from me and had keys to the room I was balls-deep in some chick in
>keep going anyway, could be anyone
>hear him fucking around at the door, can't get his keys in
>Good thing I got my key in hahahahahah jesus I can't find my pants
>have about a minute, roomie always pregamed pretty fuckin hard
>yank dick out all at once and turn around to find clothes
>To be Concluded

(actual conclusion)
>Frantically try to find my pants, her pants, a blanket, literally anything to hide my dick
>ignore the loud gasp she emitted when I pulled out, I probably just tickled her butt-clit or something
>finally find our underwear lying on top of each other when I smelled something that told me that no butt-clits were stroked this evening
>puddle of lube and what was presumably a dining hall hamburger at one time on the floor
>hear the door unlocking
>grab my pants, cover the shit with them
>Power Ranger sideflip into bed, covering (most of) us with the blankets in the process
>roomie walks in
>"Hey user- ohhhhh, my bad. Didn't know you had company man ahah. I just forgot my wallet in my other pants... did one of you guys fart?"
>"Y-yeah, haha, my bad dude"
>I fucking pulled it off, holy shit
>jk
>roomie walks over to the my pants that were covering our rectal shame
>Realize that my pants are actually my roomie's pants
>go whiter than anyone besides Tiger Woods playing golf
>the world moves in slow motion as me and my girl watch my poor room mate lift his pants up, see the puddle of disappointment, realize what was on his pants, and scream things that I wouldn't say to YOUR mother

I was, for obvious reasons, transferred to another building before Monday even rolled around

C'mon Dumbledick

fucking legend

The brown ball one was one of my first ever lego sets. Still have all my lego from childhood. Really useful actually for someone who likes inventing things. I remember taking the "brown ball dude" to school once when I was about 6 and a whole bunch of other kids had them ones which could launch their brains or some shit and they all reckoned my ball dude was lame cause he pretty much just had a chicken neck. Actually the ones the other kids had launched something from their back didn't they... I can't remember. Amusing concept now.

Hello
>Bump!

This happened about 3 years ago, I still think about it, and it makes me feel physically sick

>Be 19, spend most of my day indoors on the chan, or working at McDonald's
>On my way home from work, decide to pop into pub
>Meet 8/10 qt 3.14, we get talking, she invites me to a party that night
>Go to party, bring my guitar
>Sat there playing guitar, telling stories and jokes
>Everyone's loving it, finally I've broken into the normie life
>8/10 stands behind me and leans down to whisper into my ear
>I'm gonna lose the big V, thisisit.jpg
>"It's not the same when you're here, I think you should leave"
>She's got a perfectly neutral pokerface
>Get up and leave
>Never go anywhere outside ever again

Fuck the normie life

Sorry to hear that bro. Don't let that bitch get to you though. Get yourself back out there.

I dont get it.

> be at uni
> a grill keeps roasting me
> I roast her back
> She acts as if I kicked her puppy, sooks and ignores me for some time
> This happens a lot
> Fast forward to a few weeks ago
> We were at an open forum in a church with the rest of university mates(don't ask why, long story)
> Everyone gets all touchy feely
To give some context, I forget names sometimes dunno why
> few hours after, grill and I pass each other in a stair case
>"hi, user"
> loading.jpg
> By the time I remember her name she was already gone
> Ohwell.jpg
> Fast forward to a few days ago
> She kicks me out in a group chat with her in it
> She ignores me irl, acts as if I don't exist
> Mutual friends act like I'm a murderer
>Wtf is wrong with her.jpg

This happened about 3 years ago, I still think about it, and it makes me feel physically sick

>Be 19, spend most of my day indoors on the chan, or working at McDonald's
>On my way home from work, decide to pop into pub
>Meet 8/10 qt 3.14, we get talking, she invites me to a party that night
>Go to party, bring my guitar
>Sat there playing guitar, telling stories and jokes
>Everyone's loving it, finally I've broken into the normie life
>8/10 stands behind me and leans down to whisper into my ear
>I'm gonna lose the big V, thisisit.jpg
>"It's not the same when you're here, I think you should leave"
>She's got a perfectly neutral pokerface
>Get up and leave
>Never go anywhere outside ever again

Fuck the normie life

I know the feeling bro.

Bump

If this is real fuck that bitch.
Keep doing what you're doing and it will turn out fine

...

1/3
>Okay, so be me a few years ago, can't complain about life.
>perfect girl, a small home we can call our own, make enough that we don't have to worry much about money.
>every so often she likes to surprise me with random kinky shit right, costumes, toys, bondage, etc.
>notgonnalieshitwascash.gif
>Take her out for a nice dinner one night, just having a few drinks some good food.
>half way through she is already starting up her dirty talk, about a surprise she had waiting for us at home.
>every now and then running her heels over the erect penis beneath the table.
>Diamonds.jpg
>okay so dinner done, we're both about 5 drinks in and feeling good, she decides she can't wait to get home and gets the dessert to go.
>order a cab while she hits the washroom, get our coats and leave.
>riding in the backseat of some cabbies minivan, her licking and nibbling at my ear, grabbing at the penis pressed against the pants, sloppy drunk chicks are the best aren't they?
>Guy driving is trying to make small talk butt fuck him right? she's already on her knees on that dirty ass floor, pants unzipped and my dick in her hand.
>enjoying the feels, head back, the default bj position, just let her go to town working it and talking dirty, every so often catch the driver looking back in the rear view and just shoot him a grin.
>taxicabconfessions.webm
>Only about 10 minutes into the ride, dick out for harambe and most likely gonna die in wreck, when suddenly feel a chill run over my deek.
>now picture this, us in the far back seat, her stuffed down on her knees on the floor, covering my dick with our tiramisu and then licking it clean.
>Tiramisu, makeup, and cock smearing all across her face, and thanks to the nice buzz we have going her dirty talking has gone up a few decibels.
>hhnnnggg.png
>enjoying the backseat bj and doing my best not to let loose the flood gates before we get home

2/3
>Fuck i loved her, so anyways we about 10 minutes from the house, cab filled with a silent driver, sloppy sucking, and some overly lewd talk, good times.
>"look me in the eyes while you fuck my face in this dirty cab"
>"open up that slutty mouth and eat your dessert you kinky bitch"
>often our dirty talk even goes as far as to taunt the driver and the other fun things you say to rub your sex life in others faces.
>ready to bust when she just pulls me out of her mouth with that wet pop and just grabs my balls and grips the base tight as fuck.
>Enjoy it but god damn she has a death grip on me and no way she is gonna let me blast her in the face yet.
>vehicle finally comes to a stop, made it back alive somehow, driver tells us it would only be 12 bucks for the ride, look at fare total was somewhere around 30.
>exiting the van her keeping a tight grip on the dick leading me out like it's a fucking leash, toss the driver 15 on the way out, 3 bucks for the mess of tiramisu and spit left on the seat.
>reach the door fumbling for the keys while she's teasing me and playing with the my balls on our doorstep, trying to be discrete but you know how it goes when your drunk, it's still obvious to everyone.
>"your gonna love your surprise baby, can't wait for you to see it"
>benis won't be able to take much more of this, get the door opened, pulled into the house before she pushes me back onto the couch.
>orders me to stay put while she get's changed and ready, even nice enough to grab me a beer before heading to the room.
>drinking my beer, taking a breather and trying to figure out what sort of surprise she had in mind, since it could be fucking anything.
>yiffy suits, dragon dildos, a horse suspended by an intricate system of ropes and pulleys accompanied by a marching band, who the fuck knows.
>Waiting about 20 mins now and starting to get that anxious feeling as well as reaching the end of my second beer.

3/3
>all of a sudden start hear moaning coming from our bedroom down the hall and hear her call out "I'm ready"
>love her but i swear to god if theres a dude in there fucking her i'm killing them both.
>keep my cool as i set my beer down, stand up and make my way towards that door and whatever hides behind it.
>There is probably no greater moment of happiness and relief in my life than when i opened that door and saw what she had in store.
>her standing there in a slutty latex outfit and heels, looking up at me while she was bent over some bitch she had tied down to the bed in a matching outfit.
>everythinginmylifewasleadingtothismoment.heaven
>Didn't know who the chick was but later found out it was an old highschool friend of her's
>i guess she was talking to her for a few weeks before to plan the whole surprise, anyways
>not even 5 seconds into my pants hitting the floor before i was climbing onto that bed and pressing her face into her friends ass
>ok so to set the scene, two bitches in matching skimpy outfits, one tied to the bed, the other spreading her out and tongue forced into her asshole getting it ready for the penis that would be penetrating it soon
>so before i can even spit in her face she pulls her tongue from that fartbox grabs my dick with that kungfu grip and looks me straight in the eyes as she says
>"are you ready to fuck this cum slut baby?"
>ultimately the answer was yes (of course), simply give her a nod more focused on my dick pulsing in her hand than speaking, she finally let's go.
>reaching up she grabs my hair and whispers in my ear "yfw you read the first letter of every line." and i instantly came buckets

Can someone screencap all of this? This was really entertaining

You're autistic trash

Moar

Thanks I'm glad at least some people enjoyed my novel. lol
Will do.
Out of curiosity, what do you want me to do with it?