I'm applying for an unnamed law enforcement agency and have to take a polygraph...
I know it's a pseudoscience bs machine... But how can I successfully pass it?
They'll ask stuff like "have you ever smoked weed this past yesr" "have you ever falsified a job application" etc. Both of which I have, and many more... But of course I'd say no I havn't because it'll be an automatic disqualify if I say yes.
So yeah... How to pass this cult machine?
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Clench your asshole.. not even joking
Masturbate furiously, that way your heart rate is always elevated and they can't tell what is a lie and what is the truth.
came to this thread to post this.
inb4 samefag, shit works. or just keep yourself constantly stressed, that is harder when you need to focus on questions
put a thumbtack in your shoe
step on it while giving an honest
step off while lying
it makes truths and lies spike equally
also clench your ass
it really, honesltly helps
Why clenching your asshole? Also should I clench the whole time or only when lying?
They'll first ask you questions which are trivial for control. You literally have to calm yourself (think at something relaxing when lying) and think at something tensing when saying truth.
You do it for EVERY question. They look for inconsistency in your heart rate when asking questions. Theyll throw you easy ones like "whats your name and date of birth" and ones people tend to lie about like sex, cheating, or other simple white lies. They trick is tricking the questionare. If all your questions look the same then they all must be truths
>you ever smoked weed this past yesr"
say yes why you have to lie when there are tons of place where is legal so you can answer yes
the point is to have it clenched at all times. clenching it only when you lie will make the lies more obvious. also, read up on body language, it tells way more than the reader test can. and its subtle as fuck. read up on it at least two years ago and try to learn how to fake the tiny, very subtle gestures.
Put a rock in your shoe and press down on it during your control/baseline questions. It'll throw off the remainder of the tests. Press down on any questions that you answer truthfully.
The real test starts after the polygraph
Also, depending on the LEA it might be good to answer truthfully. DEA likes a certain amount of moral flexibility for example. Local police don't care. FBI is a bunch pricks with sticks up their ass. Don't apply to them.
CIA, just say you did everything. You won't be allowed to flip assets, but you'll get a lot more interesting work.
Don't lie. I had a friend that admitted to lots of illegal shit and still made it into the agency. The point is that you DON'T lie. Everybody's done shit. It's the lying they're testing for.
Damn I'm doing to have one very sore asshole after it's done... Thanks m8s
>Would you do it again?
they're called kegels, and they're good for your arse. help prevent hemmorhoids, too. and your bf will thank you.
you can take a viagra to lower your blood pressure if you feel stressed out. this can help beat the test.
OP,
I took a poly test about 8 years ago for police dispatcher. I passed and moved on to the next round of eliminations.
obviously tell the truth as much as you can, but the best way to win is to convince yourself that what you are doing isn't wrong
these machines can't detect sociopaths, so train yourself to become one.
Everyone is nervous when they take one, so use that to your advantage for your baselines.
Would I do what again? Have a friend that applied to the RCMP? sure, why not.
remember the guy who use the machine againt you can lie in order to force you to say the truth.
According to one of my teachers and Tack in your shoe that you press a toe into can trick it.
Just makes you look like it can't get a good read on you.
Stoopid mentality
Look up the Penn and Teller episode about it. Very simple trick. The show is called "Bullshit".
Yes some of the conservative idiots on here will be triggered by the mention of that show, they actually DO tell you how to pass one, and it is very very easy.
This. When you're telling the truth clench your ass, and when you're lying let it go. It works.
Not kidding.
Surely best way is to not listen to what they're really saying just decide what answer they want and then ask yourself a different question in your head.
>Have you smoked weed in the last year?
relax
>Are you a penguin? (in head)
>Nope
Easy peasy lemon squeezy
Take one more xanax than you usually do on a daily basis. If that's zero, take one. If that's two, take a third.
I'm an actor of literally zero note but I'm decent enough because I can step into a character's skin. I just pretend I am the perfect model person when I take them. So when they ask, "Did you violate any of these laws?" I ask myself "Did the character violate any of the laws?" And when I say "Yes," it's not a lie. It's just the answer to a different question.
But what if i am a penguin
Don't let them fuck with your mind too much. I agree go in barred out and don't be real shy and nervous to give them a good baseline, they look for like, small bullshit you can easily hide
weed is legal nowhere in the United States under federal law.
I don't know shit at all about this situation but this seems like solid advice.
Give it a whirl, OP
>"have you ever smoked weed this past yesr" "have you ever falsified a job application" etc. Both of which I have
this is only the beginning
when they ask if you browse furry pics and mlp threads the polygraph indicators go off the charts.
then they ask if you started fluffy abuse threads with OC, and the polygraph goes apeshit.
I can't. I'd dirty everything around me
just install Ubuntu
do something to draw their attention when asked control questions. do the same thing when you lie
The fbi actually ask very personal questions like that in thier hiring process... Like "have you ever viewed pizza" "have you ever had sex with an animal" "have you ever had thoughts about pizza"
One guy who applied to the FBI was so stupid enough to admit he had pizza in the fbi polygraph... They questioned him some more... Got a warrant... Seized his shit and found the pizza lmao.
Perhaps you should listen to this. It's an interview with the man who literally wrote the book on beating the polygraph:
thisamericanlife.org
We had an FBI agent guest speak at a criminal justice class I took last year. He said that they care less about the actual answers to the questions, and more about whether or not you're willing to be honest with them. A liar is a liability and can't be trusted.
spoken like every agent in the middle of a sting.
That's what they want you to think. If you're willing to break for your "ally" you'll give the terrorists every secret you can. They'll still cut your head off.
You're fucked, kid.
lol, if they could use the machine to tell the truth they wouldn't need to convince you lying will lose the job for you
>Look I'm just trying to help you out here, be honest with me
Yep
here's how you do it. walk in. let them hook you up, then request a lawyer.
Its a hard fact of life (not that hard if your not a pleb) that if you cant answer the questions truthfully you shouldn't be applying and should find something more realistic to attempt to achieve.
And if you smoke weed, lie cheat and steal and other things you are a hard core hypocrite to apply for this job anyway.
PS you sound like an arsehole
These guys are basically trying to make you nervous as fuck, and you're going to set off that machine a lil but obvious huge spikes are what they're searching for. Even having a reaction to the questions can be a problem so don't just assume you can just calm down when you answer.
Interrogation 101 goes into this shit because it isn't a "test" it's an interrogation. They'd do this to every suspect if it wasn't for the legal system.
You have to realize that it's just a heart rate and sweat gland detector. It doesn't read your mind. Don't buy any of the bullshit the interrogator might be selling.
Also if it's border patrol they will go ham on your shit. Bringing up affairs or any kind of personal shit. Dudes get so pissed off after that they try to sue the polygraph test giver.
>calling people plebs
>doesnt know the difference between your and you're
>not lying to get a job
you have to be 18 to post here. fuck off kid
Create a rolle play character it's not a lie it's your fictional story.
Make the senario before so you dont triger imagination brain sector
tell me to fuck off, fagget
your a sixx pack of fagg
kill yourself
Everyone in here is a fucking idiot, it works like this: they ask baseline questions to get a read on your heart rate while calm, if it deviates at all during an answer theyll write it down as suspicious. So if youre gonna beat it you need to also clench or do something on your baseline questions and keep it consistent.
how do you know these things
>he thinks that's trolling
Every fucking time...
Why do I even bother?