Alright Sup Forums, we're at Wal-Mart

Alright Sup Forums, we're at Wal-Mart.
>what three things do you buy to weird out the cashier?

Hardmode: no condoms

cucumber, Vaseline, size 2T girls underwear

Vaseline, odd shaped shampoo & tissue

2 Watermelon halves and duct tape.

Spaghetti, tomato sauce, garlic bread

kitchen knives
halloween costume mask
dog collar

why would condoms weird a cashier out?

Stool softener
Stool hardener
Stool

>Rope
>Duct Tape
>Children's Toys

condoms are an easy out to pairing with things for an easy weird out. its too easy of an option

This one got me for some reason

Every single packet of chewing gum in the entire shop and a small tin of chicken soup.

The idea is that you get them with weird shit so that it is suggested you will use the weird shit sexually.

unisom
x-lax
cream corn
white sheets

bath plug, toaster, booze

A life.
If not that then a box of life cereal, a rope, and a guide book for noose making.

>2 Watermelon halves
so one watermelon

Nutella,cucumber, KY Lube, and a large dog bone

So I have one, and there's no actual condoms... though there is a mention of condoms.

I actually wrote it down as a story way back when for my college creative writing class... teacher thought it was... sexist and mysoginistic and gave me an F.

shotgun, shells, local map of celebertys

Why the fuck did this make me laugh...

Ducktape,rope wine bottles and two Tylenol pm bottles or pills

...

retards who cant count to three

Laxatives
A copy of the bible
Dora The Explorer coloring book

KY jelly, a bag of marbles and a bar of laxative chocolate

went to walmart one time when we were trying to have a baby, I had just bought new clothes and I had a splinter I couldn't get out. so I went to the cashier with

>a set of hangers
>pregnancy test
>glue
>duct tape

Three things or three items?

Three things:
10 boxes of latex gloves.
Longer rope they have.
Five bottles of lotion.

The trick there is the oddity of items combined coupled with unusual volume that make it weird.

Three items:
Longest paracord they have.
Knife or a hatchet.
Gallon of bleach/ammonia.

Don't forget to ask what their return policy is if you decide to go with this one.

Under rated

My father picked up these earlier today.

Candy
Rat Poison
Padlock

The second two are for farm stuff and the candy was for halloween but goddamn.

Mousetrap
Lube
Balloons

Latex gloves
Scissors
Oil

Then I'd wink and tell them that I'm making homemade condoms.

some kind of police/ soldier/ masterchief costume or similar. then a couple real guns with lots of ammo

Anal lube
A funnel
Paint

So the general schtick is that our professor told us we had to write a paper in which we embodied the stereotype of our gender.

He said for women that'd be being meek/weak/etc (all women are the victim bs), and men being sexist/aggressive/asshole (he was a feminist as you can tell).

This guy was a total douche nozel and I remember him being a huge fan of Hemingway (a known asshole/macho/sexist) and I stood up in class once and proclaimed he must read Hemingway in protest because his wife beats him every night.

He gave me F after F after F until a paper in which he told us to critique a published piece of work. So I critiqued one of my own poems, which had been published, but under a pen name (my pen name is a ladies name).

He gave me an F, and left a 2 paragraph explanation at the end of what the poem ACTUALLY meant, as opposed to what I said it meant in my paper.

I walked up to his desk and asked him what he thought of the poem. He said that whoever the young lady is that she was a talented young lady.

"The names an anagram for my name, schmuck."

I got a B in class.

baby bottle, bleach and bin bags

enema kit
mentos
diet coke

>Tries so hard to be snarky he misses the point.
That's the joke you retard, two halves and duct tape to tape them together.
Fuck you are a dimwith.

Inflatable floaties, a huge jar of pure lard a dukes of hazard dvd

This isn't to say I'm a good writer. The B I thought was fitting... not a great writer, but I did certainly do the work and put in effort. That is certainly worth a fucking B!

So, with that said... the story.

>>Ball In Beth

Men have a very bad rap, especially when it comes to sex. I wracked my brain for a story I could tell. They all were sexual, and didn’t suit my taste. Sex… Masturbation… Hmmm; the day I will never forget. I finally gave in, sex will be my topic. It’s probably the only masculine bone in my body. (Excuse the pun)

Hung over, a hint of cannabis, and the confusion was derived from the immature topic in the air. Two guys and a girl can come up with some strange conversations, especially three as screwed up in the head as we are. “I wonder what it feels like in the twat?” One would think this would be followed up with an answer instead of a science project.
“I really couldn’t tell you, it’s kinda hard to explain.” Beth isn’t very meek, she’ll talk about anything. She just can’t find the words to describe the sensation.
“Dude, I wonder what it would feel like to cut yourself in there?” Brian is a sadist.
“Sadist mother fucker!” I point out the obvious a lot. “If we are going to make a game out of this, let’s at least play it safe. I wonder what candy corn or a handful of marbles would feel like.”
“Stick em’ in your ass and find out for yourself!” All the women I know have some anal fetish with me. We continued on speculating different ways to masturbate. Brian and myself enjoyed it thoroughly; this is one of the few girls that you can have ‘guy talk’ with. It allowed us to dive into the mind of the elusive woman, even if she’s a nymphomaniac. This makes the conversation that much better.

The image of this made me laugh

cont'd

Later that night we endure on a week long adventure beginning with boozing. Alcohol’s consequences are infinite. The unforeseen possibilities of liquor are why I refuse to drink the evil tonic anymore. Bubbly was our choice drink for this evening, a foreseeable out come of this night is nudity and laughter. One proven outcome when I am mixed with champagne is a lost sense of humility. It is amplified when I am with the company that is over tonight. There is myself, of course; I am a strange boy with a fascination of the unethical. Brian, my big ogre; he is easily embarrassed, but when he is drunk he shows a little more of himself. Frank, or as I call him Robert Smith of “The Cure;” Frank is far from homophobic. Christine happens to be our stereotypical female. The long time girlfriend of mine, it boggled everyone’s mind, but now just a good friend with benefits. John, the sexiest man alive; he is a little insecure about his girlfriend though. Then there is Beth. John has good reasons to be insecure about this girl.
“Not another sausage party.” Brian has a thing against these gatherings. He requires an extremity of pussy around to be comfortable. The champagne will fix this though. We all cracked our first bottles and got tipsy enough to start measuring our penises. The girls would giggle and point. Christine would turn her face in embarrassment, but would sneak peeks with small spurts of laughter. We have now reached the epitome of a sausage party; all we need is some spicy meat dip. The party climaxed and everyone began to crash, our sober little Christine retired to her house, and John began his belligerent whining and screaming. He accused Beth and me of planning on having sex tonight. Yes she did have plans to sleep in my room but we were unsure of the coitus. We calmed him down and retired to my room.

lost

cont'd

The alarm read almost five in the morning. The room was lit up with screams and banging. John hollers to let him in the room, he knows we are screwing. I wipe the crust from my eyes and lumber over to the door.
“Why the fuck did you wake me up?” A yawn interrupts my question mid sentence.
“You’re fucking; I know your screwing my girlfriend.”
“I’m sleeping; leave me alone, we are not screwing.” Well at least not right now. In the future he did confide in me that he really just wanted to join. I wish I knew this then, he is the sexiest man alive. I told I would speak with him the following day, I needed my sleep. We didn’t talk for another week, by his choice.

A week passes and I decide to go to the mall with some friends. The mall is a great place for a teenager to hang out. Videogames to buy, exercise, and people to scare. My cell phone rings, I pick it up and increase my pace to get ahead of my friends. It’s Beth on the phone and I was not ready for what I had to hear on the other side. I come to a dead stop, and stare into space as I listen to her words. With no concern for the people around me I burst out laughing and fall to the ground. My friends confront me as I am curled up in a ball laughing uncontrollably. I flag them to keep moving and that I’ll catch up. I stand and compose my self.
“All right, I will meet you at my house in forty minutes!” I hang up the phone and run to catch up with everyone in Borders. I pull Frank to the side because he knows Beth personally. “You know those balls you buy at the fair. You roll them around in your hands and they jingle.” Frank nods his head, “Well… plunk!” I make the sound of a pebble dropping into a puddle as I lower my hand to my crotch. Laughter breaks out, and we both hold each other up so we don’t fall. I told him to inform everyone an emergency arose and I had to leave unexpectedly.

A wooden spoon
Women's Lingerie
DVD of Dirty Dancing

cont'd

“I didn’t think you would actually do something like this. How long has it been?” I was flabbergasted by her curiosity.
“Three hours.” John answered for her. They both proceeded to explain how it all came to happen. They said they have tried reaching in there and pulling it out. He actually got his whole hand in, but it hurt her to much. They also tried spoons; even the good old jumping up and down in the shower. I told them this all isn’t going to work. She was aroused when it went in, but when she lay down she caused it to roll to the back of the vagina. After her libido balanced out, the vagina constricted and tightened around it. I took a look my self to verify the whole situation. We decided to go to the store and get some tools to rectify the situation.
Magnet, beep… Salad tongs, beep… KY, beep… beef jerky, beep… “You know you always need beef jerky when you’re working.” I was smooth with my words and smiled easily at her. The Wal-mart cashier stared at me like I was some Satan worshiper. She scanned over my company with a keen eye. Beth jumped up and down giggling as you could faintly here a jingle come from within her. Images of the ball falling out right there and rolling up against the cashier’s feet ran through my imagination.
“You think we should get some condoms!” John smashed my day dream with what he thought was a witty joke. I shook my head with humility. Even though I could smile through all of the show we had for display in the store for families. The comment John had was the straw that broke the camels back. I paid and walked away giggling.

cont'd

Luckily I don’t live with my parents, or the screams would certainly wake them up. Two fingers, salad tongs, some lube, four hours and the ball emerges from the pink void. I held the ball up with the tongs on display for Beth and John. He better appreciate the evil back stabbing I performed the week prior. Wait this all was my fault. Damn I am evil.
“I will never forget this day for the rest of my life.” I shook my head in shame.

>water balloons
>ammonia
>chlorine bleach

>sleeping pills
>young girls underwear
>rope

Laxatives, silly straws and poster board.

o i c
did you discover you are impotent today or something

A toy cash register
A game of monopoly
A large fishing net

This is how you catch midgets

>Act like a retard.
>Get pissy when someone calls you a retard.
The epitome of a fucking nigger. Everyone, take a good look, this is the reason wellfare exists.

>implying a walmart cashier would know what happens when ammonia and bleach get mixed

>to catch a predator: box DVD set
>a very large net
>some little girl panties

trying too hard

How does it feel knowing that nobody read any of this?

Water balloons
Muriatic acid
Michael Meyers mask

Oh no...

>duct tape
>large net
>barbie doll

>doughnuts
>doughnut holes
>glue

Trash bags
Duct tape
SFX costume blood

>cosmetic surgery for dummies
>large amount of alcohol
>towels
>exact-o knife

Its to make a watermelon bra

kekd

>documentary on 9/11
>LEGO set with a plane
>LEGO set with high rise building

Hrmmm...

::eats some candy::

Not like much at all.

I mean since you've responded, which means you read at least a word of it, I'm a little pleased with myself now.

>MLP movies
>jar of crisco
>Large dog Kong

very easily couldve removed alcohol or towels to follow rules. towels preferably

im sorry i didnt mean to offend you sir
have a good night :)

also this

AR15, ammunition, Bowling for columbine on DVD.

Pie crust, guacamole, assorted chips
Deliecious

>one of those large dolls
>girl's underwear
>tub of crisco

i forgot there were rules once i decided to reply after reading the thread.

I actually lol'd

>Engine oil
>Massive pink vibrator
>Chilli powder

Giant tub of Vaseline
Broomstick
Measuring tape

Quran
Plane flying for dummies
Lockpicking kit

lighter fluid, pre-paid phone, and a kitchen knife.

I just bought a bunch of candy, some antifreeze, and some bleach. Didn't realize it was weird until the cashier gave me side eye.
Paid cash.

2 thumbs up

A fish from the pet department laying on the on the counter flopping around , a bottel of water and an empty fishbowl.

Veggietales DVD
Kleenex
Lube

Quiet pinhead

Silent forktip

>Lube
>Rope
>Childrens toys

Bologna, plunger, pair of high heels in largest size.

Training bra.
Tampoons.
Duct tape.

Just need two items to get the most freak out, depending where you live.

Pregnancy test, coat hanger.

/thread

one shoe one glove and a monocle

sleeping pills make a great 3rd

Need a card that says i am sorry are baby did not make it .

Not only is this a poorly written story, but this does not happen.
I have actually done this multiple times with multiple women, it's pretty much not possible to get one of those things stuck in a vagina.

I would highly recommend that you relegate your creative writing to erotic fan fiction.

Third item

kitchen knife set, trash bags, and bleach

>hatchet
>plastic sheeting
>bleach

Reese pieces candies
Cardboard box
String

Large area rug
Rat poison
Vouchers for amusement park tickets

instant coffee, a douche, and electrical tape

3 eggs

donuts, donut holes, glue