Sigh, well here goes...

Sigh, well here goes. Sup Forums has always been the place where I most feel like home so I think this is the best place to put this.

I hate fucking lying to myself over and over again and pretending that I can get over some of the shit that I’ve done or been through. I sound like a fucking pussy, i can’t handle shit that other people probably go through on a daily basis. Just because I made mistakes I have no right to be angry at life and the people around me yet in the end of the day i always follow the same cycle, I go up and then I come crashing back down and wallow in self pity and anger. I listen to depressing ass music, drink, I don’t try in my classes, I barely fucking study, Im late to work all the time, and all these other things that just weigh me down but in the end its all my fault. I’m not deserving of the life that I have, the luxuries of even being able to sit here and type this shit out on a computer worth more than some peoples homes, their entire livelihoods. Im taking my future with both hands and im throwing it all into the trash as if it didnt matter to me at all. Thats why i hate myself. I let myself down but then i never do anything to fix my stupid self, I never try to change, I never try to be a good person. I just sit in front of my computer or in my classes and I never actually DO anything. I want something to do, something to chase, something to accomplish. I want to be a special person in someone elses life but in the end I realize im too fucking ugly, unattractive, unfunny, and just all around a fucking horrible person that blames shit on everybody around me rather than myself.

(1/3)

I thought that college would change shit, that I would be a better person here but all ive done is lie, lie, and lie. To my classmates, to my teachers, my boss, and in the end myself. Im miserable but I don’t do anything to make it better so I just sit here and get drunk on weekdays, sleep at 3 am, miss classes, don’t put in any effort at work, and still manage to somehow fucking put a smile on and be normal and watch as the people around me are actually happy, actually enjoying uni, actually enjoying life for fucks sake. I want to be like them. I want to not be so anxious about every little thing, to learn to let things go, to learn how to actually enjoy myself, better myself here in Davis.

I can’t.

I can’t be normal and no matter how hard I try I always feel like im the odd person out, the wierd guy that people just work around while trying to not hurt his feelings or some shit. I’d rather have the whole fucking world just tell me that I’m not a part of it rather than doing this same cycle over and over again. No matter how hopeful I get about a new opportunity in the end I’m going to pass by and nobody will notice. Nobody is going to care. I have no one. Why is life unfair? Why do some people have the work ethic, why do they get to have a passion and a drive for what they are doing. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I just do things, any thing? Why am I even fucking typing this, all thats going to happen is Im going to read it in a few days, delete it and KEEP FUCKING LYING TO MYSELF. I’ve been thinking about killing myself. I think it would turn out for the better but I’m scared. What if when we die its all true and we go to heaven or hell. What if I go to hell. What if I have to watch as my parents and my brother and my sister cry at my funeral. They would ask themselves what they did wrong.

(2/3)

Especially my mom. I don’t think she could handle it. She really does care about me, I think. I wonder if I could do that, care about a person so much that you blame your shortcomings for their death. I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life. I feel like I’m just falling and falling and falling and falling and I can’t see any light at the end of tunnel. It doesn’t even feel like a tunnel anymore because I don’t even know what direction I’m headed in. Im just in limbo, and sometimes I take a little pill that pulls me out and i think I see sunshine. It doesn’t work out in the end. I just end up curling back up. Opening up to people isnt good. They’ll either hurt you or not understand you so its just better to hold everything close, dont talk to anyone, dont socialize more than you need to for your future career. Money will make things better right? If I drove a nice car and had a nice house someone out there would pretend to love me for the rest of my life. But then again, that would mean that I would have to go out there and try. Just to get to that point I need to try now but im not. I may as well be dead. I think im depressed. But isnt that just a lie anyways? People have their down moments and then they just scream theyre depressed as if its an excuse for their failures.


What the fuck am I doing wrong


(3/3)

Depression is defined by

Moodiness while telling other's they wouldn't understand.

Making facebook posts about how depression is ruining you.

Obscure references to supposedly deep things.

Driving away people while at the same time complaining you have nobody.

Are you suffering from any of those?

-nobody ever asks

-dont have a facebook

-that requires a conversation with a real human being

-i dont try to drive people away, just it seems like they dont stick around for long

Get a hobby you're passionate about mastering. I am pursuing shred guitar and it's helped me out of pits of depression.

how did you figure out you wanted to play the guitar?

I relate to this on a horrifying level. I want to speak to you. I want to be there for you. You aren't alone.

My name's daniel, whats yours?

It was something I thought was insanely cool since I was a kid, but I never dreamed I would ever actually do it so it wasn't until I played Guitar Hero 2 that I realized I wanted to learn and went for it. Think about who were your idols, and what kinds of things have fascinated you.

Alright, then you're already ahead of the curve on depression. I'm just about in the same rut as you now. I've been at a community college for 4 damn years some because I suck at math but more so because they fuck me at every turn. I feel like shit because I'm wasting my life but I feel trapped because I shouldn't complain. I have comfortable meaningless life. I couldn't tell you anything. that's just a list of what most people I know seem to do. It seems to work for them.

@Daniel

I'm Garrett, is there any other way i can DM you? I'm new to Sup Forums i just come and look at random shit. I really want to converse with you.

Sometimes some of us don't fit in. I know I dont. I'm usually the odd man out, I don't have any friends, and most people that I know could care less what happens to me. And I can't tell you that you can turn your life around by doing these easy steps, because it's not easy. If it was, we'd all be the cool kid. So just start living for yourself, find things that make you smile, take pride in your person. You'll slowly start noting how people act around you with small subtle changes. Things like brushing your teeth, picking up small bit of trash, or simply enjoying a walk down a park. I hope you can find happiness within yourself dawg.

I loved computers when I was a kid, and I guess you could call it my hobby but i've already done everything I can without spending money that has to go to rent. I never did anything in high school that was even remotely interesting other than going to school, going to work, sitting on my computer, or doing things to make my girlfriend happy but now even that got ruined because of my toxic personality.

if you have a discord:

discord
.gg
/MUMsaH

I'm not comfortable doing anything. Im just sitting here trying to figure out if there is something I can be comfortable with and i cant

For a few months I asked people I knew and strangers questions about hobbies. What I found was that it took a while for most people to realize they liked doing something. You just gotta try different things and give them time. After a while you'll know if it's something you enjoy doing or not. I personally don't have anything that 'enjoy' doing or I'm good at but I asked questions to hundreds of people

Fuck money bro, you gotta think outside the box. We live in the age of accessing anything. There's plenty of computer courses, tutorials, and whatnot out there for free. You have to want it and pursue it. It is always hardest in the beginning, but you will look forward to it more and more if you actually enjoy it while you're doing it. Believe in yourself and don't trust the "system" that tells you that you need an expensive course to learn to do stuff with computers. Life is a game.

I'll try, thank you

I fear that if I do go a different path im just going to be more of a dissapointment, to my parents, my family. I feel stuck but I dont talk to anybody about it because thats when I get shit on and tossed aside.

Well, here's something simpler that might help. Meditation. It's too simple to make an excuse not to do it, yet it can help you learn to focus and appreciate life more. 5 - 10 minutes a day, use an app or two to help get you started, then start doing it silent eventually. You are stuck in a cycle because you tell yourself a story that you are a bad person who is incapable of doing what you say you're going to do. You have to come to peace with what you truly are without lying to yourself about anything, then realize that you are capable of incremental change if it happens slowly enough. 10 minutes of meditation a day is something you can commit to right? Especially if you're talking about suicide. Are you ready to kill yourself instead of trying sitting still for 10 minutes a day? Your ancestors didn't sweat, bleed, and die for thousands of years so you could let modern culture turn you into a lazy sack of shit who wants to kill himself for it.

I am speaking from experience OP. I know exactly your feels, and I climbed out because I forged discipline in the face of resistance. You may not think you can do the same, but I promise you that you can. Every last one of us can take hold of our future. It's just a question of when we stop making excuses. Modern culture has made it OK to make excuses, even though everyone knows deep down they're just lazy fucks.

Ascend brother.

I feel

let me tell ya something brother!