Shall we start a thread of retarded stories you did as a kid?

Shall we start a thread of retarded stories you did as a kid?
I'll go.
>be me
>7 or 8
>extremely lazy but was popular when i was younger so i had a kind of not give a fuck attitude
>i was a really annoying kid
>one night need a piss really bad
>like really bad
>get out of bed but before i turn to go to my bathroom i have a great idea
>whip out my pencil dick
>piss literally all over my floor right in front of the radiator
>get back into bed
>next morning
>entire room stinks of piss
>wake my dad up
>say my radiator leaked
>my dad looks at the puddle in disbelief
>gets a radiator mechanic in
>i get away scott free
>mfw

I have a lot more of these stories too if there's interest

Sure

>be me
>early teens
>hop fences into peoples backgardens
>shit in their lawns
>run

I have a similar story.
>Be me
>7 years old I think
>living in two story house, but upstairs toilet broken
>ages to walk to downstairs toilet from my room
>decide to piss on the carpet in my room, but spread it out everywhere so it's only a little bit
>figure because it's only light everywhere, will dry up by morning
>piss a shitload, but so tired I don't really think about it
>Wake up in the morning and try to leave room
>realise that I've drenched the carpet in piss
>Use about 3 toilet paper rolls soaking it up
>still stinks like shit, blame it on cat.

Parents never found out that I literally just pissed all over my room

That's some scoliosis right there.

>15 years of age
>in school toilets
>piss in toilet roll holders in all stalls
>toilet paper completely covered in piss, no dry sheets available
>laugh because some kids probably touched my piss covered toilet paper

>in school
>used to pick up turds and throw them in the air during playtime
>one time one turd hit someone
>many keks

>be me
>maybe 10 years ago
>8 or 9
>tell mum i finished my homework
>i didn't
>checkmate mum

moar, bump

nice trips, turd boy

>be me
>found doll head (the ones you do the hair on)
>used to pretend to be in pornos and cum all over its face
>over time its hair got really matted and parents threw it out
>tfw they didn't know it was covered in dried cum

Right now I work full time at a industrial store with this smoking HOT girl. Only 4"11' and thick as anything. She's a personal trainer, and her ass is out of this world. She constantly wears sports bras and tight leggings and a thong. I crack so many semis in the work place with her just walking around, that I've had to start cranking it off in my workplace bathroom to keep myself from going full chub in the workplace

>Hey user, you sure go to the bathroom a lot
>...yeah haha

Also a piss story here:
>Be me 9 yo
>At sleepover party of friend
>Really need to piss, but toilet is on other side of house. Don't want to get up
>See empty waterbottle next to friends matress.
>Get out my cock, squirm it in hole
>At first, let piss out slowly, later on full Niagra Falls
>FeelsGoodMan.wav
>Cock gets harder cuz of tight hole
>Feel pressure inside bottle building and piss rising
>Cock pops out, spraying piss all over friends
>Drop full bottle of piss on floor, soaking two matresses
>mfw

OK, OP here. Got another.
>be about 10
>again still really lazy but now im fat and unpopular
>one day about to go to bed
>havent used bathroom yet because like i said im lazy and i probably brushed my teeth for 30 seconds once every 2 days
>need a piss
>see towel hanging on radiator
>literally piss all over the towel
>soak the entire towel with my smelly urine
>some drips on the floor, thats the volume we're talking about
>next day
>get out of bed to take a shower
>when drying off, notice i smell really bad
>remember i pissed all over the towel and am now rehydrating old piss on my body
>wtf
>next evening
>piss on the towel again
>this continued for about 4 months before my mum told me to stop fucking pissing on my towel

>about 4 years old, in kindergarden.
>story time , one of the kids gets to tell a story
>story about the potato king who travelled across the world and ends up sacrificing himself so 2 starving kids could eat
>punch kid who told the story in the face because he didn't tell a story about me
i remember the thing happening but i have no fucking idea what went though my head.

Which is grill in pic?

Monroe

Munroe

Oh yeah this is a good one. OP again
>me
>12 or so
>still fat and unpopular
>brother gets guitar hero 5
>become obsessed with that
>play it as much as possible
>need the toilet while im playing
>decide to take the guitar with me to the toilet so i can practice my skills whilst dropping a log
>take a good 20 mins on the toilet while really loudly spamming the keys to the plastic guitar and dropping fat logs
>wipe my ass and wash my hands, then leave bathroom
>brother walks right in front of me as i exit the room
>'why the fuck do you have the guitar with you'
>'i wanted to practice'
>brother gives me a black eye and never lets me play again
>to this day i cant look at a guitar without 1. needing a shit and 2. wanting to play guitar hero

>be young
>sleepover at friends house
>we put on the porn channel and watch softcore
>they start pillow fighting, I'm sittin on the couch covered with sleeping bag
>fap furiously but undercover
>they never found out

Okay that's what I thought. Did she ever do any pornos with a actually dude?

Do you have the autism?

Nope, she also got a boob job and it kinda ruined the whole thing.

Munchhoe

no, but i was a fucking weird kid.

Fuck. That's one of the reasons she was hot. Does she look good though?

>be me
>young
>used to eat Jaffacakes but imagined I had random pots of goo in my peripheral vision and would 'dunk' them in these pots of goo.
>people used to look at me like I was nuts
>probably am

>this continued for about 4 months before my mum told me to stop fucking pissing on my towel
My sides are in orbit.

Did you cum in your underwear ?

youre the legend

Another story.
>be me
>13-14
>discover porn
>look at some dodgy shit
>one day taking a shit
>always wondered what it would be like, and i just watched some scat
>pick up a pellet of shit and eat it
>never watched scat again

>be me, 8 or 9ish
>at grandparents' house in the country for the summer
>they have a big fucking dog, a bitch
>i poke it with my finger in the vag
>dog's reaction: ???
>couple days later, i stick it with a dried fish in the ass
>dog gets angry af, bites me in both my arms
>fucking blood and fat leaking out of the wound
>grandparents save me from the dog trying to bite my fucking face off
>walk for two weeks with both arms wrapped to my body
>they never found out why the dog attacked me
>dog hates me now, growls on me on sight
>never go to grandparents again
>mfw

Yeah she still looks good but didn't do much porn after the boob job.

Sadly I can't find a decent photo of her new boobs, I thought I had one lying around but apparently not.

Yeah but this was before I could actually ejaculate, so I came but there was no semen.

Yeah she looks pretty hot to be honest. Had to get a new computer and lost all of my Vids of her.

There's a torrent of all her vids knocking around on /r/ or /t/ or whatever it is.

>my cousin asked me to piss in his ass
>i didn't want to be gay, so I said "let me piss in your ass instead
>he said okay
>I pissed in his open ass hole
>he stood up afterward and took a few steps
>and then violently shat out all my piss
>i mean all at once
>then he started crying

Lol I thought me throwing around turds in the playground was weird, you've taken the cake with this one.

top kek

Ahh okay thanks. Do you know if she has any social media?

>be me
>father dearest starts saying "god damn yanks"
>sticks with me for some reason
>visit america
>walk around disney land saying to Americans "GOD DAMN YANKS" at the top of my voice

Her name is: Katerina Rys you can find her stuff, she still does take pics it looks like but no longer pornoish

>>Cousin says "piss in my ass"
>>don't wanna be gay so ask if i can piss in his ass

very fucking good

>Works at industrial store
>Personal trainer
why not

>at camp
>some kid starts running around pissing in the cabin
>everyone is laughing
>cabin leader comes in
>screams at the top of his voice
>mfw I was just about to start peeing off the top of my bunk bed

>be me
>in school
>friend left himself logged in on the PC after school
>go to gayporn.com on his PC
>he gets kicked out of class for looking up porn in a catholic school

Are you not supposed to do this? I still do

you did him a great service

>be me, kid
>go on holiday to country with family
>start masturbating in the mornings (was strange starting the day with a wank, never did it before)
>liked it so did every morning after a swim (so I could get 100% naked).
>Mother talking to the landlord, I'm rolling around on the bed completely naked jacking it hard
>cum
>look down and realise the woman had a clear view of the entire thing

>Dog with a taste for human flesh
>Not shot immediately
I hope you don't like your grandparents much

>be me
>7 years old
>decides to stand on top of the toilet at school
>see a kid taking a piss
>he has a tiny ass dick
>ends up telling on me

continue

>be me in school
>instead of shitting on the toilet I shit on the toilet rims, for fun
that's it

sometimes the floor too

>be me
>age 10
>must have seen a doctor or something, i don't really remember
>diagnosed with HFA
>most retarded thing in my childhood was myself

>be in school
>poop in toilet stall
>on the wall are toiletpaper strips with different names on them
>they're stuck to it with shit
>above them written with sharpie are the words "poop museum"
>my poop was too dry to join it

lol i didnt know this was a semi common thing to do

another piss story

my parents rented a house a couple of years while the owners was out of the country, i was like 7-9 and it had a only 1 toilet on the bottom floor, and i had a upstair bedroom and it was creepy as fuck going down all the way, and i had a small blatter and constantly had to piss just a little bit sometimes alot, ye ye, so i used to spray the carpet on the big room we had computer and pool table and outside my door. also pissed in bottles and threw it out on the apple tree, the leaves in the middle died. :(

Not me but relatable

>Be me, 7 or 8 odd
>Go round to best friend's house like every day
>Knock on the door one, notice some kid's briefs in the bushes next to the door
>Must have pointed them out to his mum when she answered the door
>She said something like "He doesn't want to go sometimes"
>Look closer
>The briefs are full of shit, and later realise have been thrown from his bedroom window above
>wtf.jpg

>>my cousin asked me to piss in his ass>i didn't want to be gay, so I said "let me piss in your ass instead
Hwat

I used to regularly shit myself in school because I liked the sensation of holding in turds but they would eventually just erupt out of me. I was probably that weird kid who smelled of shit all the time.

No, youre not supposed to do that

Dude you just reminded me that in primary school (5 or 6 y.o) We were all getting changed for P.E or something and my friend pulled down his trousers and his underwear was visibly full of shit with a big shit stain in the middle

Didn't say anything, just turned around horrified lol

She only comes into work 3 days a week for book keeping stuff. She does personal training stuff as well because it's not full time. No idea why she works at a hardware store, might be because she grew up in the country

>early teens

Why are you pulling your underwear down after P.E.? That doesn't sound normal.

>me early years
>used to hop around naked pretending I was a frog

>be me
>4th grade
>Noticed some vulgar grafitti in school
>asked mom what is sex
>she didn't want to answer
>Principal comes to class and talks with us
>said something good and was summoned to her office
>tells me I'm a good kid and that I should tell her if i want something
>ask to learn what sex is
>next day she gives me a comedy sex-ed book for kids, and tells me I'm an honest kid.
>abortion and hiv pages still haunt me
>learn about masturbation
>am amazed by my new discovery and regularly share stories with my family of how my dry masturbation feels good and how many times I did it that day
>family isn't pleased by it
>go to my grandparents
>cum for first time
>"mom I just came!"
>showing her my hand with my cum on it
>she isn't very pleased
>tommorow
>"Mom, I did it again!"
>Whenever I came I would feel obliged to share it with my family
>this continued on for a week

Should I continue?

Not him, but probably to take a shower afterwards

Pic

do not continue

wat

cont. you fuck

we've heard quite enough

1. It was before P.E as I stated

2. I said he pulled down his trousers not his underwear

Please continue

GO ON

My mistake

the cringe is killing me

>Be me
>2nd grade
>Learning
>Think about being a ninja
>Using smoke bombs to get out of the lesson and shit
>Get an idea
>Grab two black board erasers
>Teacher was right next to my table when I left, and didn't notice
>Make a loudass, autistic declaration of my act
>Clap erasers together
>Teacher stops me from even taking off
>Mfw I have more stories
>Mfw my autism goes farther

Post more, that was marvelous

Luhn Choe

that is some nice logic

and then?

Nothing happened, nothing was ever said. I presume she seen me going to town and thought best not to bring it up as we were her guests.

She didn't talk to us anymore after that though.

Plot twist: you were 27

>finger in the vag
>whole fucking fish
Holy shit what was your thought process

>>"mom I just came!"
>>showing her my hand with my cum on it

>one time 5th grade
>teacher was talking to me
>somehow bring up the game Myst in the conversation
>begin talking about the game Myst
>explain the story to all 3 games that were made at the time
>in detail with all the puzzles
>whole class was pissed off
>I was following the teacher around
>idk why he never told me to shut up

...

I used to take my cuddly toys and action figures etc to show and tell in school. I would also make up back stories about them and how they're my friends.

do u expect kids to have a monster cock or what

>be me in 4th grade
>teacher lets me stay inside class with girl classmate during recess because we're sick
>sit together at computers playing Oregon trail
>somehow find some magnets
>put magnet up against computer screen
>ohShit.jpeg
>magical shit happening to computer screen when magnet put up close to it
>both girl and I proceed to distort the fuck out of the computer screen with magnets for entire recess
>computer screen permanently distorted with lines and colors
>teacher come back to class from recess. She pissed. We both start crying
>computers are trashed

And that's how our 4th grade class got 2 brand new computers. Still talk to this teacher about incident when I frequent my hometown.

>be me
>have autistic lil bro that followed me everywhere
>i go downstairs, he follows
>i went upstairs he followed
>pushed him down the stairs as he was crawling up
>"stop following me stay downstairs!"
>he starts rolling down and cries
>hid behind couch
>he was too autistic to talk properly so i got away
>yeet

Part 2:

>summer break ends go back to school
>someone talks about sex
>I join by saying that I masturbate regularly and have a big dick
>was actually just a little bigger than average, but it was big for fourth grade
>Ask me if I ever came
>say I did
>they doubt me
>say that I will show them in class
>sitting in my chair while my male friends waiting expectantly
>be cautious as not to get caught
>no one's looking
>whip my dick out for a few seconds and then pull it back in
>ask friend is it big
>"It is user"
>mfw they didn't think I would actually do it
>gets know as the kid with the big dick
>everyone picks on me in school
>jokes on them I was too dumb to figure that they were picking on me, and not just having a casual conversation

Cont?

>Be me
>2nd grade, again
>I got a toy gun from the dollar store the weekend before school
>Ohshit.Jpg
>School
>We youngsters are gathered into a mainstage like area before class
>It's my time to shine
>Now, this gun looks absolutely not like a regular gun (Red, and it shoots colorful balls)
>This does not stop the teachers
>They loose. Their. Shit.
>Rush everyone away
>They grab me, rush me away to a separate area
>I was too young at the time to realize I did a school shooting before knowing that was a thing
>Mfw I did Columbine, kiddie edition

>made fun of a disabled girl
>was viciously bullied later on in life
>tfw karma might be real

please do

>be me 13
>have big fake sword
>decide to throw it at the banister
>bricks a the fucking support beam
>panic
>grab gorilla glue and broken pieces of banister
>glue it together
>still hasn't found out
It's been eight years. Only a matter of time now