OP, cont plox

OP, cont plox

let us discuss the history of life expectancy in roman times

Whose life? Cause I heard that sum ppl died because lead poisoning.

...

bro they lived to be 420 years old because of the lead

it was actually weed XDDD

That plot twist tho

Damn, that's some heavy metal truth you be spittin, solid.

Is it true that there use to be a "heart" shapped seed that acted as a contraceptive and the romans fucked it to death? Friend who's a rome buff told me and I don't feel like googling so Sup Forums it is.

fucking is good so yes

Sounds legit.

The following is an account of real events

>be 23
>need job after college
>scrounging indeed.com
>depressing minimum wage job after depressing minimum wage job
>fuck my life
>in the mean time drive lyft
>feel my life draining
>desperate for a job where I can actually do something and get minor enjoyment out of it
>suddenly:
>22$/hr swim instructor wanted no experience required
>holy shit just what I needed
>get to do some good and make decent money doing it
>get called in for interview immediately
>get there
>place is a complete shitshow
>super tiny pool with a million kids and few instructors
>kids running around the lobby like its a jungle gym
>guy across the room comes out a door and waves me over
>at least three girls run over and jump on him/hug him etc
>he laughs and humors them
>get nervous-- this guys so good with kids and I have no experience at all
>he pushes the kids off and brings me in the room
>learn he's the owner of the school and he's interviewing me
>the school is basically a mom and pop joint he's been running for about 20 years
>asks me to come back tomorrow for an "in water" interview to see how well I do with the kids
>of course
>assures me I'll love it here...

>next day
>have no idea what to expect
>tells me I'm to work with another instructor and do what they do
>no problem
>go to bathroom to change
>"whoaaa there"
>was about to go into the bathroom for kids, bathroom on the other side is for instructors. whoops
>get changed, get into pool and meet instructor partner
>meet students we will be working with for the next half hour
>4 girls, 3rd and 4th grade
>I'm not some pedo but I've been around the block and I've gotten my fair share of boners from loli on Sup Forums
>I'm not some dope either, this occurred to me when I had applied
>I knew my porn addled brain has had some nasty thoughts before and I wondered how this job might link with that
>so I wasn't naive about the fact that I found two of these bikini clad girls physically attractive
>I made a mental note of that fact, had some flashbacks to loli porn I had seen, imagined these girls naked, then went on with the lesson
>autopiloted the rest of the day mirroring everything the other instructor did with a half chub
>knew I would never and could never do anything stupid with parents and other instructors constantly looking at their kids so beyond porn addled thoughts nothing about doing this job felt weird to me
>actually got invested in teaching the kids swimming
>by the end of the day I actually had a lot of fun and I completely forgot I was staring at kids asses and shit a few hours ago
>got out and went looking for the owner to talk about starting work
>couldn't find him anywhere
>went in his office and there was another man in his 30s there instead
>I asked where the owner was and he said he was busy for a minute and he'll go over my water interview for now
>said the owner told him I looked enthusiastic and "kid-friendly"
>okay
>got the job
>start in two days
>awesome
>said hi and bye to one of the girls I worked with in the lobby
>went home and fapped to loli all night long...

>get to work on saturday
>go in ready to get some mental fap material
>end up getting assigned all these snot nosed ugly kids that can barely stand in the water
>spend all my time trying to keep track of my students and what I'm supposed to be teaching them
>seems like all the other instructors got the chill attractive kids that know how to swim
>guess thats what I get for being the new guy
>finally make it to the end of the day
>feels like a miracle
>its almost impossible to not get distracted while making these kids blow bubbles
>the pool is about 50 feet by 50 feet and there seems like 50 people crammed in there
>even disregarding the noise and visual distraction, some of the instructors are smoking hot and some students as I'm sure some of you know
>yes, for those of you that don't know kid bikinis have a funny habit of being either so tight you can see every curve and bump or so loose they hang down revealing everything
>first time I saw that was at the end of the day while taking a breather by the side of the pool
>right up to the left of my head this little asian girl was sitting with her feet in the water wearing a bikini of the later category
>never seen that shit before and mentally slapped myself after realizing I was visibly staring at this kids crotch
>chill in the pool until almost everyones gone taking in the sights
>getting out of the pool I thought about how surprisingly accurate some loli drawings are
>head over to the bathroom to change
>have to press down on my hardening chub
>just in front of the door a girl bursts out of the bathroom and bumps right into me
>go "ohp sorry"
>"its okay" she looks up at my eyes
>I just start to head in wondering if she felt my dick
>remember--
>tell her "this is the instructor bathroom, students use the one over there okay?"
>she just runs away
>head in
>owner is changing and says howdy
>I didnt realize he taught lessons too
>"only private ones after school"
>"have fun" I say
>shower, fap, and go home

>next work day
>half as many lessons/hours so decide to chill in the pool again
>there is one girl I've noticed every time I've been here now that's just a knock out
>long tan legs, silver blonde hair in a perfect pony tail, round budding breasts, ridiculously nice ass for her narrow hips, struttin around every day in a one piece that rides way up
>wonder why the fuck I cant teach lessons to her...
>go up to other instructor hanging out
>ask when/how I get new students
>"youre tired of level 1s?"
>yea, and I want to fuck that blonde teen
>"you're not ready for the higher levels"
>the fuck does that mean
>"levels 3-competitive have been with us a while and are tight with their instructors, you know"
>sure I guess
>I asked him how long hes been working here and he said a couple years
>"that must get old"
>"not in the slightest. this is the best job Ive had and will ever have"
>okay billy mays I believe you
>then a little foot appeared on his head
>a girl with short brown just-dried-violently-with-a-towel hair wiggles her toes into his scalp
>without turning he goes "julie what do you think your doing young lady??"
>she starts giggling like mad
>he shakes my hand "duty calls"
>weird
>"you guys really are tight huh"
>he winks at me and gets out
>fucking weird
>but I forget about that immediately because that blonde girl is standing at the side of the pool combing her hair with her back arched like her ass is trying to get away from the rest of her body
>dont even have to think twice
>I get out to take creep shots

>take one pic before my heart starts pounding and get too paranoid about it
>check out pic
>blurry
>fuck
>dick screams at me to take another
>fine, dick.
>spam the photo button aiming the phone all over
>one of those has to be good
>peak at photos
>goddamn I want to get "tight" with a girl like her
>"hey"
>jam phone into pocket
>its that same instructor guy, the brown haired girl next to him with another younger brown haired girl
>"you mind looking after Gaby here for a minute?" meaning the younger one
>sure I guess
>they go off and I'm left with "Gaby"
>make small talk with the kid, try to look like I'm an enthusiastic teacher
>desperately want to go to the bathroom and look at the photos I took
>god blesses me
>Gaby's mom comes up to me and introduces herself, takes Gaby with her asking if I knew where her sister Julie was
>told her she was with the instructor
>she said "oh okay good" and walked off
>sprint to the bathroom
>pull out phone and dick simultaneously
>pictures are fucking gold
>couldnt have been better if she was posing
>nut on phone screen in about 15 seconds
>fuck me
>head all foggy now
>I need this
>decide to ask owner if I can teach some upper level students
>go to his office
>not in his office
>check one of the other rooms
>dark room like a conference room
>another door in there with a light on
>just opened it instinctively
>that instrcutor from earlier is sitting on a toilet seat with the little brown hair girl on her knees, head in his lap
>I make eyecontact with him and see the most fear I've ever seen in a mans eyes
>with his eyes wide open he just smiles a disgusting shaking smile I've tried and failed to forget
>close the door and leave
>I get to the dark conference room door when the owner comes around from outside and bumps into me
>"oh! user"
>"sorry"
>I look back and see the intstuctor and the kid peaking out from the bathroom
>look back at the owner whos eyes are coming back from that back door too
>"user, come to my office"

yeah Op where are you. i want to hear if you succumbed to debauchery or became a hero

the local water's minerals calcined onto the pipes, preventing it from dissolving, pretty much the opposite of what happened in Flint

Yea OP where TF are you!!!!!

OP couldn't come up with a good ending, I bet mommy told him to go to bed.

Huh, that makes sense. Hadn't thought about minerals in the water doing that, now I wonder what my friend had been watching.

>as I was still opening my eyes, I felt a weird sensation
>I realised it was coming from my anus
>something was moving in and out of it
>I was so sickened by the idea that it could be my new boss, anal raping me while I had been unconcious, that I kept my eyes tightly shut and pretended to still be out cold
>after ten minutes of this, I heard a voice from several yards away
>"user? Wake up"
>it was my boss's voice, and there was no one else in the room - yet I could still feel the movement
>"Wake up user, for fuck's sake"
>his voice stayed far away, if he wanted to wake me up, why didn't he come nearer?
>I felt the movement in my anus become more rapid, then a hot wet feeling which began to leak out of my butt as the movement stopped and it slipped out
>at that moment, there was a sudden waft of cooked shit
>I opened my eyes finally and looked down towards my shorts
>they were still on me, and there wasn't anybody there
>I felt something emerge from my shorts leg
>a long, slimey turd, surrounded by a gush of oily diarrhoea slid out and flopped onto the floor with a wet splash
>the smell rose even further and seemed to fill the back of my throat
>I vomited a small amount reflexively, then retched several times, trying to control my stomach
>straining like this caused my body to expel another bout of gruesomely bubbling farts with a mixture of semi-solids passing down the same flow as the previous ones
cont?

>he takes me to his office
>I'm on straight up blank mind autopilot mode right now
>my brain is speechless
>he closes the door
>"take a seat user"
>I do
>I'm actually kind of scared
>"listen. I've seen you in the pool, I've seen you looking at our students..."
>wait what
>"...inappropriately."
>wait double what
>for a split second I forgot about the 10 year old girl blowing the man and go into shock
>"and did I see you take pictures of Chelsea?"
>"what youre spying on me?"
>I sounded like I was about to cry
>he looks very serious and starts clicking on his computer
>"hey--"
>"we take stuff like this very very seriously user"
>"hey! one of your instructors was having sex with a girl in the bathroom. thats what was happening in that other room"
>he stopped typing on the computer and just looked at me
>I feel like I'm about to pass out
>then he says something like this
>"user, did you know that youre the only person I've hired in the past 5 years? Do you know why that is? I'm very selective, and my team is very loyal. We got a good thing going here user. A good good thing. Thats what I want you to understand, I hired you because I thought you could."
>i felt cold
>"understand what"
>"have you ever had sex with a 12 year old girl? Do you know what that feels like?"
>I just stare in his eyes while my brain goes over every one of those words one letter at a time.
>"that girl back there, her names Julie. She's 9. What she was doing with Franco, that was her. Thats her own choice. Do you understand? Have you ever felt the mouth of an elementary school girl?"
>I felt my jaw get heavy and the next thing I knew I was waking up on the conference room table

NO! not you for fucks sake - we want OP

>I had recently gone on a school trip to uganda, and had brought home a basket of local snacks from my trip
>I remembered that this morning for breakfast I had had a lake-fly burger and some air-dried meat, they hadn't told me from which animal it had come
>"must have come from that" I giggled, inhaling another batch of fetid air and faeces particles
>I coughed out a few chunks of vomit and against splattered my legs with the steaming putrid slush
>I could hear my boss retching uncontrollably in the corner of the room. I was near the door and I guess he didn't want to risk coming any closer to the source
>after a few minutes my stomach began to feel more settled.
>that's when the next movement started, it felt different, more ticklish than uncomfortable
>i decided i was already in a mess, so I just gave a strong push
>something seemed to be giving inside, I thought at least I'd feel relieved after this
>with a few more hard pushes and a couple of rasping juice filled farts, I could feel it pushing on my inner ring
>"one more" - I thought out loud
>"One more what!??" - I heard the exasperated coach say
>with a final push, I felt it pass through my rings to the outside air - and with it came the almost instant smell of a heavy rot
>i began to throw up in my mouth, gurgling and coughing on the chunks, acid stinging my cheeks as it rolled down my face and onto the table
>it was still being squeezed out of my butt - it felt a lot thinner than the other turd, and really really long
>i thought I could give it a hand and speed things up a bit, so I reached down and grasped it
cont?

loli pic is missing, but this was last part

they did, however, use lead salts to sweeten wine, and possibly in makeup, which was definitely not good for their bodies.

>holding it tightly, I pulled as far as my arm would reach and with a final sharp yank, the last piece left my arse
>i raised it above me to see the prize, so to speak
>as my eyes focussed on my creation, I noticed two things
>one, it wasn't the colour I was expecting, this was a lot paler
>and two, it was moving in my hand
>"fucking uganda!" i shouted as I hear a girlish scream from my boss come from his corner
>i flung the writhing tape worm in the direction of his voice, and a louder, more desperate shriek left his mouth
>I propped myself on my elbows to see where my unwelcome neighbour had landed
>wrapped over his left shoulder and draped down his chest was the ugandan "refugee", still moving and seemingly trying to look for a new home as it curled itself up towards his face
>he was flicking at it with his fingers, trying to remove it from himself, but also completely unwilling to make contact with it
>he danced around the room scrabbling at his t-shirt and trying to keep his new friend away from his mouth
cont?

Dubdubs speaks truth

no

>I had had a lake-fly burger and some air-dried meat

U got the trips

Oh fuck, that explains it. Kinda funny, also expected: who knew lead kills.

>i began to throw up in my mouth, gurgling and coughing on the chunks, acid stinging my cheeks as it rolled down my face and onto the table
>it was still being squeezed out of my butt - it felt a lot thinner than the other turd, and really really long
>i thought I could give it a hand and speed things up a bit, so I reached down and grasped it
>Make a kick jump into the floor, clench a little as I go down, shit on the floor.
>take out my panties, time to get schwifty in here
>Walking the dinosaur.

you forgot the shoehorn bel air in somewhere 0/10

>too late, just as he caught it accidentally with the end of one finger, he jerked it up towards his mouth and the end slipped in
>the rest of the long, chocolate covered pale body quickly thrashed and slipped itself past his tongue and down the back of its throat
>"Must be homesick" I chuckled to myself
>the tail flickered out of sight as it made its way down towards his stomach
>traces of my liquid nuggets still lingered on his t-shirt and had left a trail on his chin with a touch on his lips
>he was on his knees now, sticking his fingers in his mouth, trying to bring the little fellow back up again
>I knew it wouldn't work, they'd told us on the trip in uganda that these guys were quite territorial and would stay in the stomach and intestines for months
>the stench emitting from my buttocks and clothes was overpowering me
>it made me wonder what it must have tasted like for my boss, guess I wasn't going to have a promotion afterall

Op got beanned by fag mods who cant read the disclaimer.
>The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
>Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

RIP in peace OP. Let us know how does it continues after your 3 days ban.

how would you know?

ermagerd indeed

If only they would ban the scat man instead.

I used to be a mod before the FBI took Sup Forums. They kicked me as soon as moot was ''forced'' to sell the rights.

Why did you stay?

shame i was looking forward to hearing the end of op's story

Sup Forums is funny af, come back from time to time. I browse other boards too. I have my own office at work so I browse as I please.

One of these days I will write an entire ''How to not be a newfag'' teaching the tricks behind dont letting yourself getting bambloozed just for the lulz. And probably creating a better future for Sup Forums, you know, teaching a man how to fish.

trips
found any reasonable alternatives to this site?
apart from real life