Story time, you fucking faggots!!!

Story time, you fucking faggots!!!

>be me 2 weeks ago
>horny as fuck from daring myself to not jerk off for a month
>2 weeks in, decided i can't take it anymore
>"if i'm gonna fucking cum, it's gonna be on some bitch"
>go on dating sites, normal profile with normal messages, spamming my ass off, secretly trying to score
>nothing but entitled single moms and loser women
>see fat chick
>"fuck it, worst thing that happens is she doesn't respond"
>she responds
>we talk for a bit, conversation goes well, and we schedule a date
>meet at some coffee place
>she's as big as a fucking house and always getting in everyone's way
>350 pounds or something
>we play Magic the Gathering or some shit I don't know
>"I am not attracted to her at all" i think to myself, but it'll have to do
>everyone is fucking staring while Skyler's carwash from Breaking Bad teaches me how to play cards
>all the women are looking at her like "i hope I never get like that"
>all the guys think I'm a chubby chaser
>I did not think this through at all
>date ends, it went well, I'm still horny, but I know better than to invite myself over
>we go on another date, same shit; it goes well
>she invites me over to her house next weekend
>next week comes
>I pull up to her house....


continue?

Yeah!

Indeed

>the house is a rundown shack even on Halloween
>as she lets me in, a wave of the foulest odor hits me
>the house is infested with cat piss and it smells so bad oh my god cat piss all over the walls and carpet is stained to hell and back
>the walls are jacked up with holes and the carpets are beyond repair
>cat piss, cat shit, cat barf, unflushed shit in the toilet, cold as hell cuz winter with no heater, not attracted to her, it can't get any worse.
>her adult son still lives at home, shouting shit from his room at video games or whatever
>we chat, she soon shows me sexy pics she sends too people online, I'm ready to fuck
>"I'm not ready to have sex user"
>yougottabefuckingkiddingme.mp4
>i wait until next week and she invites me over
>thisbetterbeit.jpg
>we play WoW and I order food because I'm not expecting jack shit from her
>after 4 hours of WoW, I call an end to the session. I just can't stomach that game.
>she then dims the lights, says kinky shit, then we kiss
>we go to the bed and strip our clothes off
>I am not attracted to her at all and am just disgusted by this entire thing
>but i need to cum because my balls are packed to capacity
>no problem, came prepared, took 30mg Viagra 2 hours ago just in case
>rub her pussy and get her off, prepare to go down on her
>mfw the bitch has obviously not showered properly
>"...................is that cum?"
>"................................................is that fucking cum in her pussy?"
>I immediately loose my hard on

continue?

Continue dude. wtf. Don't leave us in suspense.

>eating fat bitch pussy with what may be cum in a rundown shack of a house as cold as a freezer that smells of the dankest of cats with cat piss all over the walls
>i'm not hard at all
>in too deep now
>"come the fuck on dick get fucking hard i gave you Viagra"
>it turtles instead
>oh god what have I become
>After a minute I pull my face out of her snatch after I rediscovered my self-respect
>use my fingers, carry her all the way there
>"your turn, user" she says
>she starts blowing me. I'm unresponsive. Complete flatline.
>5 minutes, her heavy frame in mid sit-up position blowing my cock, running out of stamina
>it's obvious to her that something is wrong
>i gotta fool my dick somehow
>I think back to that Bear Grylls island show where it's men on one island and women on the other island
>they solve shit and it's basically men vs women
>i imagine this slam pig as one of the women
>Given how horrible the women were at surviving, i concoct a fantasy in my head where they all had to sell sex to the men in exchange for fish
>i wanted the Asian bitch
>it works, I'm getting hard, and I'm soon at 100%
>my island fantasy is overwhelmed by cat odor, it's cold as fuck in this house, I'm full from the truckload of food I ordered, she is just so fucking unattractive to me, there's cum in her pussy, and it all comes crashing down and I go limp.
>to top it all off, I'm not really even in the mood for sex
>it all ends with her withdrawn and lying with her back to me

continue?

Continue, this is epic.

>god she's bigger than most men
>wtf am I doing
>I'm an engineer, I hit the gym daily, six-foot-three, I make bank, and I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel
>all because I chose not to jerk off for a month
>i leave and just go straight the fuck home
>100mph+ on empty freeways at 1:00AM because I was so mad at myself and my dick
>5.7 liter Hemi engine roaring
>i should slow down because this shit will get me thrown in jail
>wait
>lights flashing behind me
>it's a fucking cop
>I look down at my spedomometer
>I have been busted doing over 100mph in a 70mph zone in the state of Alabama

>officer i didn't mean it let me go i'm white

>he's on the freeway overpass, has to find an on-ramp first, he's not on the freeway yet
>i grip the steering wheel tightly and just floor it
>wide open 5 lane freeway all to myself
>max speed of 120mph and I reach it fast
>I'm not familiar with the area at all
>in a panic I reach for my phone and scream "OK GOOGLE!!!!" at it and realize I gotta key my fucking code in and pull up Google Maps myself all while I try not to wreck
>press the mic button and scream the name of a park that's ass deep in a housing development just off the freeway and get directions
>look in rear view mirror repeatedly
>i see the cop's red and blue lights illuminating the freeway far off in the distance
>i am now guilty of many crimes
>Google says to take some offramp in whatever miles
>minutes later the freeway snakes a bit and I'm out of his view
>he most certainly called for backup by now and I might get intercepted up ahead
>I said "fuck the park" and took a random off-ramp at 120mph that just straight-lined me onto surface streets
>slowed the fuck down and took a moment to get my bearings, quickly realizing that I was near the mall
>it has a multi-story car garage
>a helicopter could be dispatched, so I carefully cruise over and park inside on the third level
>I attempt to head inside the mall, but realized it's closed!
>I went back to my vehicle and stayed in it until morning until traffic picked up and went home
>i went directly into the shower and jerked off no problem (while standing) and came everywhere


I'm not fucking impotent or something am i?

No just retarded

Lot of steps along the way where you should have intervened on yourself....

you aren't

i think that seeing the shit you saw would scar any man for life, let alone kill a boner.

Challenger or charger?

Ram 1500 Big Horn edition 4x4

You stayed the night after that shit user? The fuck?

Does anybody have the post of the Minuteman from quite a few months ago?

I didn't wan to make her cry, tbh. I gave it an honest try, but I dick thought better of it and just did not want to comply. EVEN WITH VIAGRA I couldn't manage.

I really wanted to cum so I just ignored a lot of things, really.

I bet you still see the bitch, huh? kek. You're a bigger man than me because I would have been out of there after the first date.

Damn fine machine, sir. Have a charger myself. Dodge is killing it with those hemis.

>in the state of Alabama
1. I found your problem, and
2. get a black gril, shouldn't be too hard and the sex should be cash

>>everyone is fucking staring while Skyler's carwash from Breaking Bad teaches me how to play cards
kek

I never see her, but this was 3 weeks ago. I thought abut it every day since and just wanted to vent I guess.

Online dating sucks, tbh, and this experience has put me off women for the foreseeable future. I was so horny I was sending dick pics to guys....cuz I got a big cock so I thought it was really hot at the time. Also I was on the m4m on Craigslist. Just...wtf...wtf...

There is a black girl that I like. We've never spoken, but I see her at the gym with her boyfriend and their kid. I always catch her looking at me as I'm lifting weights. I managed to get a strand of her hair which I keep on my wall.

The brotherhood

Bro. That's kind of creepy.

This is about par for the course.

Damn, nice. I was very indecisive when it came to getting a Challenger or RAM. I opted for the truck cuz they can be lifted and have huge ass tires put on them.

...

Well it can be our little secret then, user.

:)

>>everyone is fucking staring while Skyler's carwash from Breaking Bad teaches me how to play cards

RIP my sides

Hey we have the same hood kek. I dig the rams but I have an old beater dakota for trucking

She so fat, her eyelids have double chins

...

Nigga WTF LMAO

I'm scared

Honestly laughed at this story though

This is weird even for one of us. Wew lad

Gonna go make a protein shake and eat greek yogurt brb i need more feedback plz

Chargerfag also checking in. R/T or above or gtfo

Why not just hire a hooker if you make bank?

300-400 dollars and you coulda fucked a 8+/10 looking broad.

Back in college, I had room mates, one of which was female. Every weekend they would all go back and visit family or something. I would use that time to so the following...

jerk off in her bodywash
jerk off on her loufa
jerk off on her tooth brush
jerk off on her bed

other things too

But I would never fuck with her food.

Well, to be honest, there is one that I kinda have my eye on. Pic is her. But I kinda like her too much. As in, if I met her, I'd probably confess my love to her or something.

>keeping her hair on your wall
A...user...

Dude, she and I would never work out; she's a hoochie mamma and talks straight ebonics. The least I can do is have a small part of her.

>I'm not fucking impotent or something am i?

No, it's totally understandable. I've had a similar experience, which wasn't nearly as bad as your story and I just couldn't stay hard. I got her off with my hands eventually.

What I wanted to add was this: she knew. She knew all along why you even contacted her, that it is scrapping the bottom of the barrel as you say, she knew you weren't attracted to her. She knew when you got hard for a while that it was because of a fantasy that was very unlike the reality of the situation. She knew you went home disgusted and questioning yourself. She has been through this before. She knew.

user's a creepy autist, color me surprised.

I'm a socially competent charismatic gentleman with a few kinks, bruh. Can't stop, won't stop.

So do you think it was the adult son that was cumming in Skyler's carwash?

>bruh

Why would you even bother to go that far lol,
Man, you dumb?

I seriously gave that some consideration. She describes their relationship as being that of friends, and that "he does his thing, I do my thing." It's the South, bro, so the odds are...higher than in most other places.

i was maybe a little too desperate

Not just the south, you said Alabama. 99% certain that's what went down.

i cant agree with the things you did but twas an epic story nonetheless. thanks for sharing brah

...

Big horn? You're a poor fag. No wonder you fuck hippos.

Sounds way the fuck cooler than gay ass Laramie.

Just pay for the GF Experience and tip her well, you can confess your love to her and she'll just ignore it.

Not cooler than Laramie Limited. Poor white trash.

Wtf explain yourself user

Lmao

Epic story OP

check em

This is by far the funniest shit i have ever read on Sup Forums. Gratz

Lmao dude wtf

>max speed of 120mph and I reach it fast
Lol, your american cars are pathetic

I tried to have sex with a whale once... It was NOT ok. We were in bed at a hotel and she was like I don't really want to have sex. I'm thinking bitch please you came to my hotel what did you think we were gonna do. So I start fingering her and she gets really wet maybe she even got off? Idk but I smelled my hand and it REEKED. I swear if I would have opened the windows seagulls would have started circling the house.

After I got her off she said she was gonna get in the shower so I was like OK I guess we can fuck in the shower but she still didn't want to have sex so I just gave up. And ended up falling asleep.

I washed my hand with so much soap but the smell lingered on my fingers for 3 fucking days.

No whales for me. NEVER. AGAIN.

You wouldn't fuck with her food but you would jerk off on her toothbrush and body wash?

lmao you're fucked, user. No wonder you're fucking whales.