I've just been in limbo for the past 3 years

I've just been in limbo for the past 3 years.

I have a substance abuse problem, that started around 7 years ago, I'm 22 now. and i go to an outpatient rehab place.

The problem is i just want to die and move on..

This would hurt many people who cling to this existence with me in it (as spoken by said people).

I don't want to hurt them, I only want to hurt myself to the highest extent.

Why can't people just accept death and not get so fucked up over it.

I just want to die without fucking sending people who don't want to die, and love me, into emotional turmoil.

But there's always the possibility that my death will be good for everyone who I've connected with.


I don't know what to do, and it drives me fucking crazy and I chose to ingest various drugs to cope with the constant sense of utter fucking despair at my own existence and to make myself not unceasingly think about killing myself throughout the day. Just constant. unyielding anxiety and a sadness that I cannot fucking shake.

I can't make music anymore, or draw. Anything. I'm going to try again tonight, and I hope that my daily efforts to produce SOMETHING will come out and be birthed. But FUCK. There is no point that I have to give to my own existence, what is a point anyway?! What is the reason I'm here? I don't know, I don't care, maybe I'll find out maybe I won't. I'm just not wanting to be here to experience. damn.

ANYONE ELSE FEEL THIS GODDAMN SHIT?>

same

just go missing

same

you shouldn't care about those that would be left behind. if they mourn, the only question to ask if they are actually mourning your death or being selfish and cry that they no longer have you and what you provided (not much assume).

stop being bitch and move on

What drugs do you do OP? Not judging at all feeling the similarity

I feel this as well. My dog is the love of my life right now, he's my best friend. The way Ive found to cope, is to just make other people happy in small ways. I'm kind to my friends, I tell lots of jokes, give away things like food, liquor, and weed (even though I don't consume much of those), and the nights I get drunk, I get emotional. My dog loves me, my friends do, and I live because of that. I also know that I'm smart enough that, if this crushing depression leaves someday, I'll be able to do something great. That's how I cope. Hope it helps you, brother

Coming from an user with a few months clean from heroin-
Do drugs.
If it's between you being an addict or you being dead, I pick addict. At least then you have seldom moments of relief. I hope you turn out okay :)

Don't listen to this guy. I did the same, and it only hurt more. Now I'm an addict, and my life is even worse. Didn't think that was possible. Don't promote that stuff, man. It ruins all those who make a habit of it. And if you're using it to cure depression, you're making a habit of it, because depression Is already permanent

Not letting this thread die. Where the fuck are you, OP?

heroin, meth on occasion, weed, dextrmethorphan.

I'm here, sorry.....Just zoning out.....

bumping OP here.

I'm in the process of moving on, but my doubts are high.

It's either disappear into mother earths' system channels as a free floating virus that makes music and does drugs on occasion and makes weird art shit and dies very early
or dies right now

man i'm the only thin standing in the way. but still

become an addict, kill myself.

So simple, so clean, what the fuck. what the point tho

I could also get a gf in recovery or addiction and be c a co dependent human fuck and die early too

That looks like a disgusting, unappetizing human. No, creature in existence would eat that unless they were delusional.

No response to the thread then? Come on, man. Answer to what's been said. We're all like you, the ones that have replied. You can't just post then ignore who responds, or you're back to square one.

People are greedy. The turmoil they would endure would not be because of you or your death. That is them coping with losing something because humans put sentiment into everything, sentiment to them is benefit and when they lose you they lose benefit, its not emotional turmoil of a lost loved one as a sign of remorse. its Self sentiment greed lust. Do what you want but it is said those who commit suicide enter a new world where your disposition in life isnt as rich as the one you left. You need to die intrigitibly without committing your own hanus act of self destruction. if you're going to die do it properly so that your energetic fragments dont decay like everything else. Recklessly save someone from a fire or a robbery, or die a warriors death in hand to hand combat or you know something where youre not fucking up your entire potential for a better reincarnation.

I know depression is permanent, dude it's been step 1 every goddamned second. I seriously doubt there is hope fore me, but by wild the wild choice I make a move to actually interact with this world. whicch i think im gonna do by just asking someone if theyll be my friend irl and talk with me and smoke ablunt w/ me.

but man, idk, fuck. i've done this before... it's cycle....

humans are tasty, their texture resembles flesh of the pig but is as soft as chicken flesh.
tho salty human flesh is best tasting when paired with fruits containing a high amount of citrus.

Thanks man, this post is good.


In my eyes.


-OP: faggot.

Don't pull weed down with your faggot addiction, fucking OD or stop. It's not that hard...

what kind of stuff do you draw? can you post something that you've done?

The best thing I ever did for myself was to accept that there is no cure for depression and anxiety. It will come back someday, but somehow, accepting the inevitable really helped. I’m in recovery, and finding joy in life again. There are always better days to come, for everyone

The point is infinite. Life is energy, experiencing what we see improves our energy. infinite universes are possible because beings with high energy are the source of the creation, not just humans and animals or insects, there is an infinite amount of species spread through out this universe, each other experiencing different than the next and when they die their energy is carried onto a new host until one time they die and BOOM, new universe. the ultimate form of "being"

when there is enough of us the fabrics of existence will rip and we'll implode back to the beginning of time.trillions of trillions of billions of years of progress just repeating over and over. the "point" is exponential as you experience.

> die and move on
kek

what type of garbage are you spewing? Please don't make things up and then try and convince others of your delusions.

Holy shit user, you get it

Mfw lower organisms arent capable of processing thoughts beyond aggressive primal behavior

...

sorry this was directed at you earthly one.

If you watch anime/cartoons, your pain will be numbed, trust me, as I have been in a similar situation as you.

I'm glad you agree. I feel so alone. I've got one of my close friends that says he feels the same, but idk.. it doesn't seem real. Then, nothing good seems real. It's not a happy life, but its mine

you do drugs to avoid confronting that you want to kill yourself because you waste your time doing drugs to avoid confronting that you waste your own time wanting to kill yourself. Ease off the drugs, maybe try some hard psychedelic substance; and confront yourself. Find something you enjoy well enough that you could make enough money doing to sustain yourself and work towards that.

Accomplish things that hold personal worth, while acknowledging that personal worth is only of relative value and that's alright. When you have done these things to the point that your time is occupied; revaluate whether you actually want to kill yourself.

And do not take for granted those who would suffer from your passing, many of those people put a lot of effort into creating a productive and fulfilled member of society and you have some responsibility in being worth the investment.

Why do you want to kill yourself?

yeah, i can vouch for anime as an anti depressant.

You’re worth saving. You truly have a power within that you wouldn’t believe you have to channel it on some dragon ball z shit. Seriously, you have no idea. It’s hard of course it’s near fucking impossible, but I promise you you can do it. Get off drugs, seek help your soul is worth more than you know

I just want to say that the best way to hurt yourself is change your lifestyle not end your life. Come on, just become something and be successful to get back at yourself for right now.

> Why can't people just accept death and not get so fucked up over it.
cause some people aren't autistic

Thank you for the feedback.

There is nor reason for my suicidal ideation other than my own existence, the fact that I am here and experiencing makes me want to fucking go away. There is so much fear and paranoia, ahame guilt, distrust for myself, but also a side that wishes to flourish, but is evidently masked by the former.

Perhaps I am just subconsciously making excuses to further my existence as my mind commands me to.

so I may procreate.

>Inb4 jack off and get over it

I jacked off 3 minutes ago and I feel the same.

lemme see if I can find some I'll take pics

I still smoke weed because It is beatiful, it is the only drug that stops my axiety for a time.
heroin sedates me to the point of nothin and makes me not care even of death
with weed i still can tthink of my anxieties and feel them, but i am not physically fucked all the tim if i just use weed.

but heroin.

i love it. i don't know why ( yayayayaya chemicals and logic is why)

but i love it to high heaven holy fuck.

Dude people (parents) suspected me of being on the autism spectrum.

aren't we all tho...

jk


I suppose.

Dude I know, but I will eventually just start drugging again and feel the same way I know it....

thanks

bump

you are making excuses. you're excusing a lack of effort. Consider meditating; examining your passing thoughts with a detached perspective and seeing what can be learned from them. If you would like to do something, anything really, you simply need to engage with it specifically.

To clarify; if you are an artist, and would like to draw but feel you cannot for this, that, or the other reason, quiet your mind first. allow your current thoughts to finish, do not force them away, do not dwell on them. Simply breathe and allow them to pass. Once this is done take a pencil in hand and begin.

You build your own walls, and on some level you are contributing to these thoughts. There are valid reasons to have suicidal tendencies; the world is a frightening place. Take things through step by step. if you have a concrete problem that is leading to these thoughts than attempt to remedy it, and if you don't then realize that these thoughts are creating an environment to thrive in, and to simply stop thinking about them will allow you to create a life these weeds will not have the opportunity to exist in.

Life is a process, and as such its supposed futility is of relative importance. The attempt, the struggle, the doing, are what matter. These are the foundations of the human experience, and their importance is self evident.

Move out of your parents house, they are enabling your addictive behavior. Learn the struggle of keeping a roof over your head and staying fed without their money.

Do this and he proud of it.

that is a wise post user, thnak you.... i amscreen shotting this thread because it is the thread that has gotten the most replies out of them all.

Meditation is something I must consider...

I do not live with parents. I live eith grandmothrer, who. i have lived in my own house before from 17-21

I can't say I've ever struggled with heroin but I have been to some pretty dark places and had some truly terrible thoughts.

If you are interested, consider listening to some of Alan Watts' conferences. He's notorious for a good reason. Good luck man, I know next to nothing about you but know that for what it is worth I am rooting for you.

Cut ties with everyone that does drugs. Old friends? Cut ties. Family? Cut ties.

Find new people to hang out with.

Be responsible for yourself. Accept no charity, pay your own bills and carry the whole weight of your entire life. If you fail, sleep on the street.

Find the love of a good woman.

Meditation and Alan Watts, I tried those too. It was a nice thought, nothing else.

Hard work is what helped me when I was in a similar situation.

Thanks, I have listened to watts and his fellowiship of mindful musketeers for quite some time now. Thank you for reminding me of this.

Godspeed to you


-OPI will take these words to heart user, thank you.