ITT : Dumb shit you did as a kid

ITT : Dumb shit you did as a kid

>be me
>5-6 years old
>total fucking retard
>think to myself : If i shove shampoo up my ass and fart will it make a bubble?
>amazingidea.png
>Hold a fart in for a couple of hours
>go take a shower
>shove head and shoulders shampoo up my ass
>let my anal trumpet play
>No bubbles, but my anus feels nice and chilly
>But then after a few minutes
>EXTREME BURNING INSIDE MY ASSHOLE
>It was like if i lost a bet and had to take satans
dick
>No matter how much water i used, the burning wouldn’t stop
>i ended up having to take a shit for it to pass

What the fuck was wrong with me?

>15
>growin tha pubes
>see sisters bottle of Nair
>wanna be smooth
>rub all over nuts
>wait
>insane burning feeling starts
>breathe deeply
>wait
>wait
>HOLY SHIT THIS HURTS
>wash it off
>burning sensation doesn't stop
>balls swell up
>very sad
>still have hair
>balls are red and angry and painful
>cry to self

>15
>make fleshlight out of banana peel and ductape
>try fucking it
>meh
>dad at bathroom door
>son u ok?
>oh fuck
>throw this giant duct taped dildo looking thing into toilet and flush
>walk out
>dad goes in to use toilet
>thing is stuck there in toilet
>dad and i never discuss

>was terrified of getting shit on my hands when wiping my ass with tp so I used towels instead
>would use towels then put them back in our towel basket
>went to friends house and had a fatty dump
>used one of their towels to wipe ass
>put it back on towel rack
>friend comes up to me at school and asks if i wiped ass on towel
>say no
>he says oh I must have done it then in a sarcastic tone of voice
>parents would always ask who was wiping ass on towels
>i blamed it on my brother

>be 13
>like shaving cream
>home alone
>smear shaving cream all over body
>its so silky and soft
>start to get hard
>go in front of full length mirror in hall way
>home alone
>start masturbading
>covered from head to toe in shaving cream
>shower running in the background
>stroking cock
>looking at myself in mirror
>suddenly a step-mom appears
>see her behind me in mirror
>don't even turn around just run fast as fuck and jump into shower
>we never discuss

i keeked

>be 10
>in shopping mall
>see baby held my lady
>see some clay drop from babys hand
>pick up
>play with it
>mold it into shapes
>step mom asks me wtf I'm doing
>show her
>she freaks out
>says is poo

>be me, 16
>balls hairy as all fuck, haven't shaved in a while
>get in shower
>only shaving cream available is menthol
>it works fine for face
>slather menthol shaving cream all over cock and balls
>fine for a bit
>then the burning starts
>feels like my crotch is Vietnam and someone marked Charlie for a napalm strike
I was retarded.

>5 years old
>thought apple scented shampoo tasted like apples
>put a shit load on my hand
>put it in mouth
>taste like vomit
>spit it out but i swallowed a little but

Kek

>16
>watching movie about sexy blonde seductive evil therapist, forgot the name.
>start getting super horny
>wish I could feel what a pussy felt like
>lightbulb.jpeg
>go to the kitchen
>pull out a few thin slices of the Boar's Head ham.
>put it on a paper plate and stick in microwave for 30 seconds
>take back to my room, lock the door
>wrap the ham around my dick and fuck the shit out of it.
>ham ripped into pieces and didn't even feel that good.
>mfw

>6 years old
>my dad was burning cds on his pc
>next day
>i go to his room to get a cd to burn it for him
>actually thought burning a cd was actually burning a cd
>get pot
>put cd on a pot
>put it on stove
>light the stove


dad wasnt happy

The filename though...

...

my cousin did this one:

>have parrot and cat
>parrot and cat cannot be out at same time - they fight.
>6 yr old cousin has idea
>takes parrot out
>jams cat into bird cage
>its the kind of cat with like a big fucking tree in the middle, not a nice square one
>goes to wash parrot, but putting in toilet and flushing repeatedly

was pretty funny

>be me, 6 years old
> painting some shitty drawing
>though to myself "oh user, you could use the pencil sharpener on your fingers to get pencil fingers"
> Eureka.png
>Get my pencil sharpener
>Start to sharpen my index finger

That was one of the loudest scream I remember

>at cd store 6 years old
>dad wanted an album
>walking around the store waiting for dad to find his shit
>dad finds his cd and calls me over
>hes at the register
>dad buys the cd
>i ask my dad to see the cd
>my retarted self throws the cd across the parking lot
>get yelled at
>no gamecube for a week :(

pic related its the cd

>be me, 6 years old
>painting some shitty drawing
>though to myself "oh user, you could use the pencil sharpener on your fingers to get pencil fingers"
> Eureka.png
>Get my pencil sharpener
>Start to sharpen my index finger

That was one of the loudest screams I remember

She should become a vet.

shit that makes me cringe

>>Be Me
>>Be 13 Years old
>>Discover masturbation
>>ohhyeah.jpeg
>>Jerk off 2-3 times per day
>>Do it in public bathrooms sometimes
>>One day im jerking it in a mcdonalds bathroom
>>Dude walks into bathroom
>>Airvents in the bathroom makes very loud noise so he probrably cant hear me so i dont stop (rookie mistake)
>>It was a ghetto af mcdonalds so stall door didn't have lock
>>Dude in early 20's pushes stall door open
>>"Oh shit, sorry dude, my bad"
>>Dude walks out
>>My dick is completly flacid now, wait a few minuets and walk out of the bathroom
>>As i'm leaving the mcdonalds I make eye contact with the guy, who's waiting in the line to order food.
>>We stare at eachother for a solid 3 seconds before I turn away

literally laughed out loud

more awkward stories like this

So you can't put nair on balls and dick. Thx for the info

>Be 8
>Step father is renting ps1 games from blockbuster and then burning them onto blank cds
>Sells them to kids at school (you needed a modded ps1 though, and some other kids dad did just that for a price)
>Step father is making an awesome profit
>Tells me to only sell to people that would be able to afford it, no kids that had poor parents
>'its not fair on their parents user, those kids don't understand that their parents can't afford so only ask what their parents do before offering to sell them any games''
>Ask rich boy what his parents do
>"Oh they're highway patrol, they make good money''
>Sell him ps1 games
>Step father goes to jail for manufacturing and selling pirated media
>Thought highway patrol were people that looked for good highways to drive on

????

What did your step father say to you when he got out?

She's an actress. Here she is in "Lifeforce."

>be highway patrol cop whose job is to stop actually dangerous shit
>fucking rat on someone for pirating video games
What fucking faggots.

>15 buy first vibrator
>got it to try on gf
>bring into bathroom
>start jerking off, put it on head of cock
>feelsgoodman
>cum
>clean up
>hear someone come in house
>oh shit, its the house cleaner
>zip into my room / shut door
>hours later, remember vibrator sitting in bathroom
>open door, house cleaner still here
>bathroom empty. clean. vibrator gone
>know what I need to do
>go talk to mexican house keeper
>"hey I uh left my back massager..uh.. in the bathroom"
>she just stares at me
>"ok mister" ( think lemon pledge lady from family guy )
>follow her back to my step moms room
>she opens her underwear drawer and pulls out the vibrator
>"I think your mothers"
>hands it to me
>looks at me with sad / understanding eyes
>realize she thinks I'm gay
>grab vibrator and go back to room
>lock door
>die of shame

Kek
I done that

let my ex gf's new boyfriend and his brother both fuck me in a prom dress being taped on an old school LG Chocolate phone and then being creampied. and then she proceeded to blackmail me and pimp me out through a fake myspace account for 10 months, recording each encounter.. she now has me on hormones telling my family shes my best friend and helping me transition, meanwhile I've given up any chance at a normal life and just keep telling myself I can fake being trans forever. She has complete control of my bank accounts and I pay my basic bills and she uses rest for the transition. She controls my diet, orgasms and basically everything. I dont own male clothing and havent had sex with a female since her.

Worst decision ever back then, and completely 100% true. Writing this was somewhat therapeutic. My name just got legally changed a few weeks ago so ..just sharing.

What are you going to do when she wants you to have the transition surgery

>feels like my crotch is Vietnam and someone marked Charlie for a napalm strike

>put ben gay on balls before masturbating
>less than a minute later, extreme burning
>luckily I was in bathroom and filled the sink with cold water so I could dunk my balls and wash that shit off

When I was 5 or so I would roll toilet paper in little balls and stick them up my nose. To pick them out some would get lost in there.

>be 10/11
>bike ride to elementary school on the weekend
>jump fence and go to the field in the backyard of the school
>playing on playstructure, throwing rocks at geese, playing game boy on the swings.
>idea
>how many kids threw a ball on top of the roof of the school?
>there must be a ka-zonic-gillion of them up there
>decide I want to climb up, but can't figure out how at first
>eventually decide I should scale the gutter/eavestrough that runs water off the roof
>takes about 20 mins but eventually get up
>take some tennis balls, football's and some other misc stuff, throw it all down onto the pavement near my bicycle.
>cant figure out how to get down
>too scared to use the eavestrough to go down
>fuckfuckfuck
>stay up there until somebody sees a child on top of the school in the neighborhood and the fire dept gets me down
>get roasted about it to this day

>brother and i used to throw our action figures over the house onto the street
>lived on a busy street so there were quite a few cars
>have fairly heavy plastic wrestler toy that i chucked over the house
>hear a smash and a car stop
>turns out I hit the guys windshield and smashed it
>dad beats my ass for days
>i absolutely deserved it

don't know why i thought that was a fun idea at the time

>be 10
>very tired
>decide to help mum make food
>chop up the vegetables
>mum tells me about how chillis are bad if you get them in your eyes
>she leaves the kitchen
>look at this chilli for 5 god damn seconds pondering whether i should do it
>plunge this half chopped chilli straight into my eyes
>hurts so bad
>get taken to ER

Larper

>1
>2
>3
>4
>5

Laughed out loud at "dad and I never discussed".

Do it.. follows the logic I'm on now anyway. I have no life at all. I did it because she had some blackmail over me initially and I was on xanax/drunk. At the current moment, the amount of shit she would have on me it would ruin my life and my family.

This is without a doubt the most autistic thing I've heard in my entire life.

>be me
>6 or 7 years old
>was able to get my dog in the bathroom
>get an idea
>lock the door and get a washcloth
>soak it in cold water and start twisting it to get water on dog
>do this for like an hour or two before parents could unlock the door
>dog and I were soaked while the floor was flooded with water
>don't remember what my punishment was but I think it was either so bad that i can't remember or it was what started to break my parents and they might've just sent me to my room

Use the back of her head for batting practice

Your dad had shit taste anyways, you did him a favor

Couldn't you go to the police for this kind of shit

it makes me so sad when I see story like that, but the driver dies. like some dumb kids throw rocks off an overpass and kill some mom.

you could kill her.

so full of shit I can't believe it

yeah. i was a weird and stupid kid. i'm slightly less weird and stupid now.

>be me, about 10 years old.
>Watched AKIRA mind = blown
>I want one of those jars with organs and stuff
>Decide to make one out of a bottle and some animal
>The idea rapidly escalates, I spend mmonths trapping little animals like rats and such.
>Got some stuff from a farmacy, gloves, knives, etc.
>Have no fucking idea of what i´m doing, tear them apart just because.
>Never Complete the project.

i know. i still think back to it and i'm thankful i didn't cause a serious accident or something. there was no excuse for it i was just a stupid kid who didn't know how serious shit like that was.

I could and her friends pretty much know about it and mock me (some of them) but the amount of videos I really don't want getting out isn't worth her being in trouble. I'd rather keep my semi peaceful world.

your life is already ruined retard, who cares if your family knows you fucked up??? i refuse to believe this is a real scenario

...

>be 10
>have brilliant idea
>get my friend next door
>dig a hole in the woods out back
>get my dad to start a fire in the hole
>friend and I roast marshmallows
>Get curious
> take sharp burning stick
>stab it into friends arm and ask if it was hot
>made I was grounded for a month for being curious

lmao

>be me, 8
>think that vodka is a kind of juice
>find a bottle of cranberry vodka
>take a sip
>wind up spitting it all out and dropping the bottle
>completely fucking shatters
>dad walks down, sees this shit
>'user what the fuck were you doing?'
>'mom's juice is super gross! I think it's expired!'
>dad laughs at me for being such a dumb fuck and then grounds me and takes away my legos

oh dear

...

Ben Gay burns your balls?

>be me
>4-5 yrs
>dad asks if i want to shower with him
>ok.jpg
>in shower, finished washing hair
>bend over to pick up soap that i had accidentally knocked onto the floor

i wasn't coming for your belief lol I'm just contributing.

yeah kids are just dumb and do dumb things.

post your shaved tranny balls with ttimestamp now.

Mfw not made

ewww

what have you got to lose by leaving these people? your life is already shit. if they release videos of you getting ass fucked by a bunch of dudes, no one will give a fuck and you will have your life back. jesus christ.

And then?

I have a good relationship with my family. They just think I'm trans. I don't specifically show them a vivid and often degrading sex life.. I just love my family and I think, especially at this point the amount of things that have happened (not just sex) would really ruin not only my mother but everyone else. In general they are supportive of the trans thing so I just go with it to save face mainly.

Post pics.
Also,
>farmacy

You have to be liking it or you would stop.

Is your goal to make people feel bad for you or something? Im not sure what you are trying to do posting some dumb shit in this thread

I'm not on here to be more objectified than I already am. I don't just post pictures of myself online for fun. I have actually tried to do the very opposite of that most my life

you said it yourself, you are being pimped out by people who could care less about you. if your family truly loves you, they do not want you being pimped out by what sounds like genuine psycho's.

I'm just responding?
I like it more than the alternative

fuck off liar

>be me, 10
>think that the lip of a can isn't sharp and is nice
>get a can of Arizona iced tea
>go to my bedroom
>thinks this will feel amazing to stick my dick in it
BoyWasIWrong.png
>stick my microdick inside the can
>feels good going in
>move it up and down for a bit to try and get off
>starts to hurt
>Pull my dick out of the can really fast
>Tears the skin all the way up my dick
>looks like someone went Texas chainsaw massacre on my dick
>Start screaming because it hurts alot
>parents come in
"user What the FUCK"
>takes me to the ER because of this
>never talked about since
I'm a fucking retard

...

Do you have scars your dick from this? If so post pics

>Be me
>Be 13
>Loved masturbation and tried to discover new tricks to make it feel even better
>Ask kids at school what they do
>Hear about banana peel in microwave trick
>School has bananas at lunch next day
>fuckyes.jpeg
>School also has a microwave in cafeteria
>doublefuckyes.jpeg
>Only get banana at lunch
>Don't need any food
>Peel banana and throw innards away
>My penis is slowly getting harder
>Put banana peel in microwave on high 30 seconds
>My penis is now fully erect
>Take the banana and it burns my hand with the heat of the sun
>Didn't let it stop my masturbation time
>Ran at light speeds to the bathroom
>Got in stall and didn't lock the door
>Pull down my jeans and my underwear and prepare for the best nut of my life
>Put penis in banana and screech the screech of a velociraptor giving birth
>Janitor runs in with police officer
>Even though my dick was burnt all the anticipation from made my dick want to shoot prepubescent cream everywhere
>Officer opens door and sees me with the largest erection shoot jizz all over my underwear
>The officer looked at me and said "Are you ok?"
>"I just really like bananas"

for what purpose

This is so depressing.

Please don't get your dick cut off.

Your family, if they love you, don't want your life to be destroyed. They can handle some embarrassment.

Why was there a cop at the school?

>Me, 13
>Got a can of spraypaint
>Spraypaint my ballsack just for lulz
>Curl up in fetal position for well over an hour
>Afterward, limp home with tears in my faggoty eyes.

It can infertility Sup Forumsro

they just had like two for the whole school

Idk I just thought it was funny.

hahahahahahahahaha FUCK LOOOOL

kek

>be me
>probably 8 or 9
>at laundromat with mom
>take a sip from mom's drink
>"i didnt know you bought a drink, mom! :)"
>"user, i never bought a drink"
>look back at where drink was
>see landwhale take it and drink it

>13 or so
>when i was home alone i'd wear my moms pantyhose and rub dick
>would look at myself in front of their bedroom mirror
>would rub dick and ass and it felt great
>for some reason i started ripping them
>sitting in living room, mom and dad going to some formal event
>mom comes out of her bedroom and asks my dad why her pantyhose are all ripped
>she says that's really scary
>sit in silence

rip

>be me, 5-6
>have a great idea while taking a shit
>decide to insert several rolls of tp into the toilet
>start to mix it up with a toothbrush
>clog the toilets and parents call plumber

i kinda forgot that this happened until this thread jogged my memory

I just think I'm sitting here in a pretty full B-Cup, 60 pounds lighter than senior year and I have a lot of friends that I just never talk about this with. I just kind of accepted it. Id rather that, then go through what Id have to go through. The blackmail barely ever gets brought up anymore because Im compliant. I think at this point she wants me to find a husband and be at my wedding watching me in a wedding dress get married as sick as that sounds. I have met some cool guys but absolutely 0 physical attraction. I barely get "pimped" out anymore now too. She has her own life and tried to act like a friend most of the time, being more passive aggressive by making off hand remarks. But she is very much in control I guess we've both just gotten so used to it.

No scars, the cut wasn't big enough

you did the right thing

your friend is mentally ill. she enjoys having control over your life. you have stockholm syndrome. pray 4 dis guy

>Boar's Head
My nigga