Hey, Sup Forums. I'm going to kill myself in about an hour

Hey, Sup Forums. I'm going to kill myself in about an hour.

Maybe this will help someone, maybe it won’t. My only purpose for posting everything is so it’s finally out there. It’s one of the last things I wanted to do.

My family doesn’t care about me. I haven’t spoken to my dad in over a year. He has lived several states away for 80% of my life, if not 90%. He lives with a new family he’s made for himself, he doesn’t think about us. I still live at home. I don’t want to give an exact age but I’m somewhere between 18-23. My mom doesn’t kick me out because she knows I would rather be treated like dirt than live on the street, and I have nowhere else to go. My siblings don’t speak to me unless I speak to them, and when I do they barely listen and cuss at me or tell me to shut up in response. My mom does the same thing, only instead of saying shut up it’s yelling to go away. I’m not going into detail about it, but I’m always left to do all the chores around the house, and I’m treated like a servant most days. I’ve told them all that I want to die before and they don’t care. My mom even says things like “your dad left me with kids all on my own that I didn’t ask for, I wanna drive my car off a cliff most days, it’s nothing special and you just want attention.” My siblings said nothing. I have no other family to go to. People always say that family is everything, but when my family treats me like nothing, it makes me want to die.

I can’t afford to move out because I can’t get any sort of decent job. I’ve worked at a factory before, but because of medical problems I couldn’t do the work to the standard they wanted. I was degraded and bullied there as well. I hated every second of working there. I’m in college trying to get a degree. It’s my second attempt at school, it’s only been one semester so far and I’m already failing. (part 1)

Is there any way I can talk to you privately? Discord or Kik?

(cont.) That’s 2 attempts at getting a better job market available to me, and I’ve failed both times. I’ve been applying everywhere I can in the vicinity of an hour trying to get hired. The only exceptions are fast food and more factories. I don’t see a point in working somewhere that I’m going to hate for my whole life. If life is nothing but misery, there is no point in life at all. I can’t be happy at work, I can’t be happy at home, I can’t be happy anywhere.

The saddest thing of all is that I have a fiancé. I love her more than anything, more than I can describe. We’ve been together for almost 6 years. Her family degrades me for what they deem “throwing my life away” claiming that I haven’t tried hard enough. Two attempts at college and over a year of working countless jobs trying to find ANYTHING that I even REMOTELY enjoy is not throwing it away. I covered the job stuff in the last paragraph, so I’m not going on about it anymore. Her family doesn’t like me, they don’t like having me around, and so I stay away. To get back to my fiancé, about half a year ago she tells me she isn’t happy with parts of me. I’ve gained weight (because of medicine I’m on, but that’s besides the point.) and she feels like I haven’t changed enough since the first time we met. She feels like we aren’t growing up any. Fair enough. So I work my butt off. I lose as much weight as I can given my medical situation, get rid of 90% of my old clothes, I even sold my old car for a newer one. I turned myself in to a more mature version of myself, like she wanted. Fast forward to the other day, and nothing has changed. She admits she still doesn’t like any part of me physically, and doesn’t know if she ever will. Our sexual relations of any kind have been far and spread apart, and almost nonexistent.

(cont.) There have been a few times she’s gotten in the mood, but shortly after getting into it, we’ve always stopped. New me, old me, thin, fat, muscular, soft, sweats and a t shirt, suit and tie. Nothing has made a difference. She says she says that she likes how I look now, but that those feelings haven’t changed. No matter how much I change, I’m never going to be good enough for her. I’m never going to be able to satisfy her, I’m never going to be enough for her. I love her more than anything, and this destroys me. She doesn’t deserve to be with someone that she can’t completely enjoy every part of, so as much as I love her, I’m breaking it apart. After 6 years together, I can’t stand to be with anyone else. Because of everything else in my life, I have no chance with anyone else. I’m not going to continue living when I’m such a blight of the earth.

No family, no job, no love. I can’t get joy from anything in my life. Boy oh boy have I tried, and I can’t succeed in anything. I don’t remember the last time I felt happy. The last time I felt wanted, felt loved. Felt peace. Felt anything besides imminent despair. There is no point in life if there is no joy, if there is no passion. A life that is nothing but misery is no life at all. I haven’t gone into every detail on purpose, so it probably doesn’t sound like it, but I have explored and exhausted every option I have. I’m simply not good at anything. I’m a twin, I was literally unplanned and unwanted. Mistakes happen in life, and I am one of them.

(cont.) To sum it all up: I’m not wanted emotionally, physically, sexually, I’m not wanted as a worker, a friend, a lover, or a family member. I’ve never been good at any job I’ve had, I’ve failed out of school twice because I’m not smart. I don’t have any friends, I’m not liked by anyone. My fiancé says she loves me, but I don’t feel it. All I feel is disgust for myself, because I know I’ll never be enough for her. If I can’t be enough for someone who I’ve been with for 6 years, how can I be enough for anyone else?

I say all of that to say, it’s okay. I have accepted that I am nothing. I’ve accepted that I’m not good at anything. I’ve come to terms with there being no future of any kind for me. I have nothing left, and that’s it. My family will not miss me. I don’t work anywhere, I have no friends, I failed out of school. Nobody at any of those places to miss me, I’ve already been forgotten. My fiancé can’t be happy with me, and that’s okay. She will realize, and in time, move on to someone she can really find love with.

I have nothing left to do but die, and that’s okay. These things happen. I’ve made up my mind, and it cannot be changed.

The suicide hotlines don’t help. Wanting to die isn’t the problem. Life is the problem. Unless someone can change how the world works, unless someone can change how everything in my life has gone from the point of being born, nobody can help. I have no other options, and nothing left to try.

My life is now over. To resemble how my whole life has been, I will make my death look like a mistake.

Goodbye

Please?

I guess you can kik me at desselmidas. I don't know that I will respond though,I'm finishing up the preparations and doing the last couple of things I want to do

Please check it then

Stream it

OP stream it or make a video with your last words

Well I hope you get the peace you deserve OP

facebook live it with link or it didn't happen and you're just a LARPer

rate me OP

Op from the few newfags who still have empathy, if you're not trolling, please don't.

It sounds like you have an opportunity to do something that almost nobody has. You have the opportunity to leave your entire past behind. If nobody truly loves you, then just pick somewhere to go and get the fuck out. I'd suggest this:
1. Find a shitty factory job to work at for a few months and save as much cash as possible.
2. Pick a country in Europe or South America that is relatively safe but still much poorer than America where your cash that you saved up will last you longer.
3. Learn the language during your time at the shitty factory job
4. When you have enough cash for a plane ticket, you speak enough of the language to get by until you master it while there, and you have enough cash saved up to last you a couple months, then purchase the cheapest plane ticket you can and just go and never look back
This might sound like a lot of work, but working towards a goal like this might be exactly what cures your depression. Oftentimes depression is caused by a lack of goals and lack of motivation, and it sounds like that is what has happened to you. Good luck, my friend.

Before you do that..

Go out on a high, take the risk, speak to everyone, take up every opportunity what I’m saying is take up every opportunity you see. Your gonna end your life anyway so why not go seek everything, do things you’d never think you’d do take up skiing or some shit.

Problem with society is they tell you that this is the only way forward normalising these incidences of suicide, making people feel 2x Worser then they already was. You end up feeling like your in a glass box.

I agree this is one of the best things you can do, like if you're gonna die, then fuck it do the most dangerous shit you can do that you never did because you were scared of dying. Fucking go skydiving or some shit idk

stream it

yes

S T R E A M

You haven't existed for billions of years, when you die you won't exist for billions of years. What's a couple more decades of existence. When bad shit happens it just means you've felt more of existence.

You have a lot of life in you brother, if you still live and are reading this, I can relate with you, depression mixed with a tough up-bringing is rough, but the only person who can change it is you, for yourself, not for your -SO- or family either. Your depression and rough up-bringing has clouded your own self worth, as previous replies have shown people care about you and want to help you. Even over kik or discord. You deserve to live.

The most important thing for you is to realize that you are mentally ill. A severe depression is no joke. Go to a doctor, tell them about this. They WILL help you, it's their job.

You might have to stay at a hospital for a while but it will get better.
Tell them you can't live at home anymore and they will help you get a new live.

That's how. it was for me, best decision of my life.

I libe somewhere else now, go to work happy every day, I found love at work!

There's better options than ending your existence, OP, there is no heaven or hell, just nothing.

OP here. I've gotten messaged by a few of you on kik, and read what you all have said here.

First, I'm not streaming it, or doing anything that would identify who I am in any way. It's going to look like an accident, which is the whole reason it's taking so long.

To the rest of you, who don't want me to, or at least want me to try living life to the fullest first. I have done all that I care to. I don't bungee jump or skydive because of a lack of interest, not because of fear. I have done all that I want, and all that's left is to finish my preparations, do some final personal things, and then off I go.

I know that it isn't always easy. Life never is. It's like I said before - some things are simply mistakes. Sometimes, things happen by accident, and simply aren't meant to be. It happens, and it's okay.

My mind will not change. I apologize that your efforts will amount to nothing, but I don't apologize for what I'm doing. I've come to terms with it, and it's okay.

I'm just about done, and felt like responding on here once more, since I have been responding on kik some.

Remember. I'm saying this of my own free will. Sane of mind, free of guilt and pressure.

Some things are just not meant to be, and I am one of those things. It is okay. I don't belong, and that is fine, but there is only one thing left to do.

Goodbye

we haven't had a good stream in forever, come on