Sup Forums I NEED YOUR FUNNIEST FUCKING JOKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW CMON ITS AN EMERGENCY

Sup Forums I NEED YOUR FUNNIEST FUCKING JOKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW CMON ITS AN EMERGENCY

Why could the blind black man read?

>he was a nigger

no racist fucking jokes ffs for one time pls

OP

What's the difference between a nigger and a couch?

>A couch can support a family of 4.

>even though i laughed its not what i needed

How do you get 2 faggots and OP on a barstool?

>Turn it upside down.

Feminism.

Why couldnt the bicycle stand up on its own? it was too TIRED.

I need more pics like that, it's an emergency.

Ahahhahahah Checked

what's green and invaded Europe?

the snotzis

Checked and keked

What’s invisible and smells like worms?

>a bird fart

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When I beat my 13 year old daughter, do you know what the hardest thing is?

Mah dick.

kek keep em coming

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

> None! They just beat the shit out of the room for being black!

>What do you call fifteen black guys running down a hill?

A prison break.

>What happened to the jew that walked into a wall?

He broke his nose.

>What did the child with no legs, no arms, no sight, and no hearing get for christmas?

Cancer.

>Blackjack and women have things in common. What, you wonder?

I'm always going for 21 but I always end up hitting on 14.

>What do you call someone with an extra chromosome swimming in the pool?

Posidown.

>Fifteen black guys are jumping from a plane, what do you call it?

Chocolate rain.

>What do you call lol bet u faggots got real salty over the greentext didn't you?

Yes.

>>What did the child with no legs, no arms, no sight, and no hearing get for christmas?
>Cancer
tbh. that's probably the best gift they could have gotten.

3 guys are walking through the woods, when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

cont.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says"Guys, I think I fucked up."

...

OK

ONCE UPON A TIME THE HEDGEHOG LEARNED HOW TO BREATHE THROUGH HIS BUTT

HE SAT ON A STUMP AND DIED

BECAUSE OF AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION AND DRUGS

What the fuck

whats the best part of being a pedo?
Their socks fit like a glove

Your caps didn't make it funny. Sorry, user.

Ever tried Ethiopian cuisine?

Nah neither have they

How do you make a jacket last?
>Make the pants first.

Fukn ded rn.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

How many mexicans will it take to build trumps wall.


Just Juan.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

These racist jokes are all the same...

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard jamal

A man walk into a bar and said "ouch '.
It was an iron bar

Did you hear about the Mexican Train killer?

He had locomotives

your mom

what does a nine volt battery and a woman's asshole have in common?


You know you shouldn't lick it but you will anyways.

There an ethiopian restaurant in London.
It's the only one in the world.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

ME: Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew?

You: I don't know

ME: Only one of them comes back from the camps

/thread

Having a shit, laughed so hard, choked on own saliva, nearly died.

>FUNNIEST FUCKING JOKE
Girl on left actually believes that "cupping" is worth a shit, and paid money for getting pressure bruises.

There's an Ethiopian cafe at the end of my road

Also a cursory Google leads me to believe that isn't true

Just to inform you.
Mexican is not a race.
Just like Canadian is not a race.

I tried to explain that to HR, they did not laugh.

Why do niggers stink?

So blind people can hate them too

What do black people and apples have in common?
They both hang from trees

...

Man gets a call when he was driving.
'you have been promised to supervisor'
He swerved a bit and carried on driving.
The phone rang again.
'you've been promoted to manager'
He swerved into the median and managed to regain control.
The phone rang again.
'you've been promoted to director'
He swerved off the road and totalled the car into a tree.
Police report : 'he careered off the road'

my daughter brought me a dead butterfly yesterday so i said "no butter for a month" ..today she brought me a dead cockaroach....im like "nice try"...

Three nuns are sitting around in the convent at the end of the day, gossiping.
First nun: "Two nights ago, I found a stack of dirty magazines in Father Thomas' bedroom! I figured I'd teach him a lesson, so I cut out all the naughty bits and put them back where I found them."
Second nun: "Well, last night, I found a box of condoms in Father Thomas' desk! I figured I'd teach him a lesson, so I poked holes in them with a needle and put them back."
Third nun: "Oh shit!"

Dumbest shit ever.

...

A priest, a clown and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, a joke?"

I'm very much aware. Sometimes it's not worth arguing that shit with people. They don't want to hear it and they will.never change their mind

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you, pirate! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

Pirate says, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

...

Lol I don't know why I laughed but I did

oh fuck, you made my day sir

...

Goddamn it, I'm still laughing.

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a plane with the Pope, the President of the USA, an Indian doctor and his 10-year old son on board runs into engine trouble, and as they realise they're going to have to jump for their lives, discover there's only three parachutes.

The first passenger says "I'm a doctor, and I have here the cure for cancer, I was on the way to a conference! my discovery will save countless millions of lives - Forgive me, my son!" - and grabs a parachute and leaps out the plane.

At that moment, the President stands up and says "I was voted for by everyone in my country, I am a world leader, and a stable genius. it is very, very important that I must live", and grabs a parachute, and leaps too.

The Pope looks at the young boy and says: "My son, I am old, you have a life ahead of you. It is the christian thing for me to give you this parachute."

At which point the boy smiles and says "no, your Holiness, we will both be fine. The stable genius took my schoolbag..."

Holy shit, that has been my go-to joke to tell at parties for years. I usually make the build-up last at least ten minutes so the whole damn room starts paying attention. The fucking faces are priceless. 90% of the people are usually just bummed out but there's always one or two guys who piss themselves laughing.

> Sup Forums I NEED YOUR FUNNIEST FUCKING JOKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW CMON ITS AN EMERGENCY
Hillary and all her cronies actually thought she had a 98% chance to win because they forgot that was a lie they themselves had made up.

I dont get this one...

That's not true dumb ass

So a buss load of nuns was in a wreck, and they were all killed.

They formed up a neat and orderly line waiting to get into heaven. Saint Peter tell them all that this is going to be quick and easy, and he was sure there was going to be no problem, getting in.

So he Asks the first nun, if she has ever touched a Penis, And she answered,
" well there was this one time I kind of" and after cutting her off Saint Peter, said ti was all fine, just wash your hands in the holey water and continue on in.

Just then you hear a commotion further back in the line, and Saint Peter asks, what the problem was.

And the nun furthest back in line answers,
"if you think I am going to rinse out my mouth, after sister Becky here washes her ass with it, I guess I am going to be going to hell"

Two Sailors were looking at the water and one says "It's a lot of water out there" and the other guy says, "yeah, and that's just the top of it"

Those one or two guys, those are the guys you want to hang out with.

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guy walking along the beach. kicks up genie lamp. genie gib 3 wishes, but all niggers get double what guy wishes for.
....thinks.....
genie: wish 1?
guy: gib $1B.
genie: 'conomies will collapse; wtf; escalades will sell out; no more chicken; total fubar.
guy: gib monies
genie: ok. next wish?
guy: mansion in every country of Europoor
genie: u dum; enjoy the new neighbors. last wish ?
guy: see stick over there? i want you to beat me half to death.

Two hunters are gutting a deer they killed. One gets tired and finds a stump. He sits down on the stump and begins to take a shit, but he falls asleep on the stump. His buddy runs up and places the deer guts at the bottom of the stump. A few hours later the man returns from his nap waddling into the town. The hunter asks the other what is wrong, to which the other replies: "well i fell asleep on the stump and i shat my guts out. So i scooped them back in and waddled away." -dad joke

checked, and I dont really get it...

Yes, fellow autists.

Rly,? lets just simplify the worst joke in the world.

American politics.

...

You bet it is. It's on North End Road. Google it

Do you know that situation when you're smoking while driving and then flick your cigarette out the window and a couple of minutes later you smell something funny so you turn around and see your grandma fingering herself on the backseat?

Why are German girls the beast?

>they're Nizéntite

I used to live on Shorrolds Rd.

What two things in the air will get a girl pregnant?

Her legs.

You might be retarded...

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. Except at wolf picnics when you don't have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races.

A new study shows that most men can identify gay men by his face alone. It's the face that's buried in another man's asshole.

The Dalai Lama said that killing in the name of religion is unthinkable. Hey thanks, Dalai Lama, I'm sure everyone will fucking listen to you!

Las Vegas is now home to a 450 foot tall Ferris wheel. Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas - whores.

College freshman Scott Damarow set a new world record by using his head to bust 142 eggs and he now officially holds a place in the Guiness book of fucking retards.

How do you tit-fuck an 8 year old?

>You kick in her chest.

What's up "Bangkok Dangerous"? Wanna cypher some Wu-Tang lyrics with me and this Chinese Lesbian with AIDS?

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple??

The holocaust

Hah small world. Delivered many pizzas to that road and the area in general

I just dont know so much english, so I dont know if it has a double sense away of "driving me nuts"...

JFC that’s so fuckin stupid but I can’t stop laughing