I'm bipolar 1, went psychotic last year, and am applying for a security clearance for a cybersecurity job

I'm bipolar 1, went psychotic last year, and am applying for a security clearance for a cybersecurity job

AMA

also, hypnosis

What are the chances of inheriting bipolar disorder from a loved one? My mother has it and I am wondering how the gene works, or whatever causes it.

likely, it has a strong genetic component. It isn't any one gene though, its some combination that they haven't found yet. + some psychological conditions maybe? Nobody knows.

Anyway, yeah it usually onsets at about 18-23... something like that. Young adulthood. Schizophrenia too

What is the worst episode youve had?
Are you on any medication for this?
Have you ever been committed to the psych ward? If so......what was it like?
What do you believe started all of this?

Another I have is do you ever take advantage of the "manic phases"? I heard they give an insane amount of energy or restlessness so do you ever use that for busywork you wouldn't normally want to complete?

define your mentality whilst psychotic

>worst episode, ...that's a rough one. I got so happy. So incredibly happy. And... I started believing all kinds of crazy things. I worked for days believing I was going to change my life... and the whole world. ....things... got dark. A wonderful dream that turned into a nightmare. I developed... very painful symptoms. I'll never forget the face in the mirror that was not mine. And Victor will never leave me.

>so yeah, it kinda fucked me up a little

>used to be but cant afford it
>yes, that episode got me put in the hospital. Glad I went cause if I said no it was jail.
that's another story
>Genetic predisposition. I think it was just in my blood. I was so depressed, for years, my entire life. And then I had my first hypomanic episode... and those are fucking awesome.

Just got off one recently. Might have earned myself a much higher pay than expected

Interesting.

Do you mind if i ask a few more questions? Im a very curious user here.

hypomania is awesome. If you just... go with it, you can learn to love work. To love working. The feelings of success and like...that wholesome happiness. And all the work flows easily. It's fluid. You have the energy. Not too crazy.

At this level, you don't experience any judgment impairment or other changes... you're a little more optimistic basically. Happier. And I suppose slightly more prone to optimism bias, but its minimal

So you got so depressed that you decided to be happy instead... you cuck.

sure, but I am stoned, and eating, so expect some delays

Totally cool,you take as much time as you need.

When did you start to notice your mental health was slipping?
Are you a guy or girl?
How old are you?
What recommendations would you give to someone who has severe depression?
What is your favourite book?
Do you like horror movies?

I've always been sick really. I just was so severely depressed for a long time. Never cut myself or anything though... but when I triggered probably my first truly manic episode was when I was getting close to suicide. I just decide to let the old me burn, and become something else. Become social. Become popular. Become rich. Become powerful. Etc.

Kinda been on that path ever since.

But idk, like my manic episodes were crazy, but some of the crazy things I did actually crossed the line into genius. Some walked the line pretty calmly.

I did get a neuropsychologist to test me and I'm in the 98th percentile for perceptual reasoning skills, with all my other scores being above average
I mean, my IQ I think was 124... which, he also explained is a not meaningful number because of the distribution between my scores.

but 93rd percentile so I can confidently say I'm not an idiot. At worst, just average. Which also means that if I want to be great I have to be brave, and have the right ideas. Strategy must win it for me.

>I am a guy

>I am 22, also, I lied about applying for the job and security clearance... that comes in about 2.5 years from now. But I'm kicking ass so far so there's a pretty good chance I could get into a kickass company that I have connections with. I literally see their boss like once a week.

> length, cont

OOOh, I have bipolar disorder and had a psychotic break back in September and made the difficult decision to quit my well paying job. I hope you succeed. I've got to find myself a way to get make money from home (I'm really trying).

My advice to you is to stick with something and not half ass your way through the cyber security thing.

I had something similar happen. I got completely obsessed with the concepts of reality. Lived in my car despite having an apartment, felt like I couldn't go back to it for some reason. Kept having intrusive thoughts that I just couldn't turn off, like someone put them there. I've never felt so confused, paranoid, and not depressed, but I would have strong urges to hurt myself or commit suicide. weird shit. It has been three months, and I'm back to feeling perfectly normal. Sometimes I have short instances where I don't feel real enough, or the opposite, I feel like I'm too real when compared to the world around me

oh i definitely will

>
this is a big one. You are sick. Not receiving treatment is retarded. And hey, you don't have to actually accept the treatment. And if at any point you don't feel it is working you can quit it... but its all really optional. Anyway, its nice to pay for someone to look after your brain. Lots of powerful people go see therapists regularly, for example, just because it helps them be more stable, and make better decisions.

I see treatment as not a need, but a want. Sure, I could struggle on my own, I did pretty much my entire life. I refused treatment and eventually I went fucking insane, and I'm lucky I didn't hurt anybody, or end up dead myself. And man, major depressive disorder can cause psychosis too, plus suicide is as bad as it gets so. I mean, I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to benefit from humanity's massive research. We are currently in a golden age of psychology research , its like the Age of Magellian for the world. This is a big deal... so if you reject it now you're really missing out.

>Enders Game. Dear god I loved that book. Really connected with Ender

>liked them a lot
>grew tired of repetitiveness
>demonic content became a joke, and horror movies ceased to scare me
>had true experiences with psychotic demonic elements
>can't remember what actually happened to me
>couldn't watch or see anything like that for a long time
>got... better
>still don't really like them

the thing I liked about it, however, was the amount of meaning my life had during the mishap. Everything seemed to have strong meaning or ulterior motives

If you want me to reword this, what distinct differences can you tell between your normal state of mind and when you're having a manic/psychotic episode

I've long suspected that I've got bipolar (as have family and gf.)

Out of interest, do any of you get those racing, intrusive thoughts where you can't sleep? That shit is awful.

Thats a very positive way of looking at it. Ive always suffered from depressive thoughts..............not just your everyday "aw,jeez im sad...." kinda mood. More of like a "well..........lets just jump infront of a subway,and end it all!" kind of depression. Sometimes ill feel like that for 2-3 weeks,then ill be overtly happy.

Definitely something i may need a professional to take a look at. I have a very hard time trusting anyone at all though,so well see.

Also! Jesus........that sounds scary as fuck. I can totally understand why you arent a big fan of horror films.

Chat with the FBI lmao

No, for me I was hearing strange voices talking to me in riddles that all seemed to indicate that I should go to the lake at a local park and drown myself in the middle of the night. I could also hear scratching in the walls of my husband and my bedroom, and even though I cognitively knew it was crazy, I was certain a ghost or demon was living in the walls.

Checked

Could've been mice.

Continued: One day, at work, I fell out of my chair and couldn't get up. My heart was racing, and my chest and neck hurt. I drove myself to the ER (which was luckily less than a mile away), without telling anyone at work what was going on. By the time I got to the ER, I couldn't tell them my Social Security number, or my birthday. I could only tell them my name. I couldn't even write I was shaking so bad. They put me on an EKG thinking I might be having a heart attack. They sent me home saying it was probably a panic attack. I had my psych write an FMLA for me, and during that time I decided I couldn't go back to work. Worst part? I was a mental health therapist. I was a fucking therapist. Therapy does not really help me, b/c I've got my damn master's degree and specializations, so I instinctively know all the things I should be doing without someone advising me. It just felt so shameful to have a psychotic breakdown, when you're whole job helping people with these sorts of issues.

I actually found out it was something living in our attic, probably a possum.

manic is rare, psychotic only happened to me once in my entire life, and it happened because I literally didn't know i had bipolar. I ran blindly into it. Looking back the signs were obvious. The key is just to not get too up. If you get too manic you can have panic attacks too... like all kinds of shit. And not all manic episodes go psychotic.

However, for that particular psychotic episode, I thought I had discovered something. I had been experimenting with my brain... and something just.... "snapped"? like. I went too high man, too high. Like icarus. Flew so close to the sun that my wings melted.

Basically when you get that up, everything is super, super intense. Happiness is super, super intense, and it warps your mind and judgement. The throttle meter on your brain is dangerously high and she can't handle that quick son.

So... yeah, it feels so much better to be happy.
But same it goes for being sad.
Or being angry.

Its honestly really obvious when it gets to that point. Like, I notice my frequency of criminal activity varies with my point in the cycle. Back when I used to be up so much... man I... made off like a bandit lol. Did some crazy awesome shit. So bad thou. NSA probably knows but fuck it.

but uh, tl;dr - severe judgment differences. increases in impulsivity. increases in sexual activity. increases in spending(some, I don't get it bad like others)... severe mood swings... grandiose thoughts... and if it gets really bad, the warping can just get retarded, and that's when it usually is called "manic episode with psychotic features" - the description of what happened

well, that frankly scares the shit out of me. It really lends credit to what the psychiatry side of things is trying to do. With computing advancing at the rate it is, and artificial intelligence... I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they cure it in our lifetime.

That being said, the singularity is also a possiblity. Not sure how much I believe in it, but when Steven Hawkings and Elon Musk both say that AI will probably end the human race, I figured it was worth looking in to.

What do you mean with experimenting with your brain?

my fiance has DID, (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder), Bipolar 1, Panic Disorder, GAD, .... other mental health shit. Also Fibromyalgia which really sucks.

Anyway, in studying her DID I've realized the power of separating your head into identities and the capabilities it can afford you. You don't need true separation, I was using it more as a method to gain more insight into myself, and to establish better control over my behaviors. I worked a crazy amount back then. I'm not sure if I was insane or not... idk. The scary part about the disorder is that the delusions sneak up with you. It's not really a black or white delusional thing... its more of a "rounding up" and the frequency and quantity by which you're doing that. So I'm not really sure how much of that period of my life was bullshit.

However, I learned a fuck ton about management, leadership... I launched a startup company... 3 people moved cities to work for it... My life is crazy man.

As for the exact experimentation, it was all based around expanding the control over my mind. Truth is, when I truly lost it, I thought I unlocked something. Through my experimentation, I thought I discovered how to manipulate my mind... truth is it did behave like I manipulated it to... and I kept pushing the throttle faster and faster... and then I decided to stop... okay, that's enough for tonight. we have to be safe.

And then my friends/subordinates walked in and I absolutely HAD to show them what I was working on. and.... the rest is history (and that level and higher went on for several days)

funny bit, since ya'll seem to be interested.

I got actually really good with girls when I was psychotic. I was very emotionally in touch, very personable, confident & ambitious. Hardworking and faithful... a smooth talker....

Some of this clearly is my warped memories talking. After all my brain stores what I experienced and felt at the time. Now its obvious I have inflated self-image.

Yeah my self-image cycles. I've also written horribly depressing stuff... and liek.... yeah I have proof about the extremes of that end too. Self image cycling really sucks.

BUT

its cool because its proof that women are attracted to inflated self-image. After all, they're shopping, and you're promising them a better product.

dude it sounds like you have major depressive disorder. That causes mood cycling. Like, I have an audio clip from a neuropsychologist describing that mood cycling it causes.

If you recover from your depression it goes away. So, that's the good news, you can usually recover wonderfully.

Bad news is that "neurons that fire together, wire together" - the brain is subject to neuroplasticity. If your brain is conditioned to think in a sad way, training it to think in a different way takes time.

However, you might as well get moving because it doesn't take as long as you might think. Plus, they have awesome medications and really innovative treatments.

Find a good psychiatrist. One who really helps you... and also, they should probably pair you with a therapist. The psychiatrist you see once a month, therapist once a week...... usually.

Most depression medications take a while to start kicking in, and then you need time for your body to adjust and for you to form an informed opinion. That means about a month is minimum for a lot of them. Seeing the psychiatrist once a month is more for in crisis.

OH if you're still here, I know how I could help. Because I'm guessing you don't want to be hospitalized... and I'm guessing that's a big fear of yours, so I can tell you what not to say

Do some research on hyperthymesia and Savant syndrome, I'm sure they're cases that would interest you. I'm not a shrink or anything but I would advise you not to do that much experimentation/research as by the sounds of it it can lead to psychotic/manic episodes. Anyway you also need to consider these are things people didn't achieve through learning them, not voluntarily anyway. Basically my point is things like DID, hyperthymesia or Savant syndrome aren't achieved through "unlocking" them.

>went psychotic last year, and am applying for a security clearance for a cybersecurity job
you know they ask you flat out if you're mental right?

Im still here :)

You are definitely spot on about that. I have no intention of them hospitalizing me,and it would be a frightening environment for me.

Also with the medication..........i understand the benefits. They would help balance out my erratic feeligs,thats for sure. My big issue with being on them would be dealing with the negative side effects ive heard about them.

Oh I'm completely aware of that. My interest has shifted towards hypnosis and the powers of suggestion. Meditation too.

I have medication for emergencies should my other systems fail, its seroquel so... if I take 50mg it puts me OUT, and I can take up to 200... and sleep directly correlates with the disorder for me, so I will almost always wake up far far more down.

And I take concerta 27mg to treat minor adhd symptoms and elevate mood. If I stop taking that the withdrawl will end episodes too.

With these safety systems in, I move to learning non-medication options. In case I'm deprived of medication or, like in the case of seroquel making me drowsy the next day... "pills are blunt instruments" something like that... vs the hyper-intensified control of hypnosis + the relaxing descent of mindfulness meditation

If OP is in the states, it is extremely difficult to find psychiatrists in most areas. You have to have the therapist FIRST to get a referral before you can see a psychiatrist (Or if your doctor will refer you to one, for some reason, mine wouldn't. She just wanted to put me on depression medication even though I knew something else was going on). Psychiatrists don't usually do self referrals.

some drugs have negative side effects some dont. Ask your doctor about the side effects always, and then also go research it on the internet. Side effects are always listed.

So yeah, avoid shit ones.

HOWEVER, sometimes shit ones can be good temporarily. "Band-aid" medications. Xanax is supposed to be used like that. It'll keep people sane, keep them from hurting others.

Point is, if you seek help early and keep your shit together, you can avoid the ones with shit side effects.

Cause man, the truth is... this world has no rock bottom. You can fall, and fall... and man, psychosis is like a pit... you don't want to go there. And if they catch you early? You're lucky.

The world has no rock bottom. Things can always be more beautiful or horrible than you can imagine. Mental health is a fast track to experiencing the horrible.

I got lucky, and the price of my incident was 16k.... (dat hospital bill thou)

And yeah, it was involuntary. I could either work with the doctors and see if they let me out early... or wait 14 days for a meeting with the judge, who will make a ruling

>tl;dr - mental health is like dental work. Get help early and its cheap and painless. wait and it will cost you. refuse to get help and you die because of your own incompetence

How did you get into cyber security?

Fair enough.

Right now.........im trying to deal with my emotions with physical activies,and some light meditation. Ill monitor how it goes for the next few weeks,and seek help if anything goes bad.

I also think my anxiety may be at a high level due to quitting smoking too. I havent had a cigarette in 2 weeks,and i feel on edge.

And sweet jesus O_O that is an INSANE hospital bill,thats for sure.

huh funnily enough I'm on serroquel too, 25/+25 if I can't sleep.I don't have bipolar, It was originally administered as augmentation of venlafaxine in treatment of GAD/MDD. I feel rather conflicted about it as sometimes I can take 25mg and it won't do shit for me, but if I take the 25 extra it can knock me out for far longer than it should. Think the longest I've slept while on it was 21 hours with the occasional waking up during REM's and falling back asleep. Apparently the more you take of it the less noticeable the sedating effect is as it works more towards the other aspects of anitpsychotic medication the higher you go. Albeit not having bipolar I've got some family history with borderline and it's a little worrying as I haven't gotten a proper diagnosis yet. When I was smaller There was a lot of on/off diagnosis of ADHD where half were saying I had it and the other saying I didn't. Idk why I'm telling you all this, guess it's just an opportunity to vent it.

always thought hackers was cool, being here for years, and my contact with anonymous (was a fan sorta)... I'm a compsci major, and I'm making the switch from coding and application development to security. I've dabbled in it before and I think I pick it up really fast. I taught myself how to do a bunch of attacks. Lots of MiTM and wifi stuff.

Also, if you get a security clearance you can get jobs EVERYWHERE. They literally have so much trouble staffing them. And my true goal is entrepreneurship so a cybersec job is going to fund that. Get money. Invest it. I want to launch a startup again, this time, with funding.

Endgame goal could be owning a global cyber security firm. I'm thinking hacker paramilitaries. + Secretaries who get paid extra to sleep with me. What think?

nahh that's really cool. Yeah GAD/MDD both can cause severely strong moods so something that stabilizes them ie seroquel seems smart. But yeah it seems best used as an emergency pill imo.

Borderline is a bit different cause its a personality disorder. Not a chemical thing but something at a higher level. If you don't have it you don't, I believe. Not sure about that.

Also, borderline is okay, but histronic and narcissitic and antisocial can all go fuck off

I'm the other Bipolar in the room (not OP). I'm on Silenor as needed, and it's the bomb. It helps because I was an alcoholic before getting medicated and the Silenor honestly makes me feel a little inebriated, and then I go to sleep so I don't feel the need for the alcohol as much. It's also one of the few sleep medications that are not addictive. I wake up just fine.

I'm on Lamictal to manage the mood swings. As my psych told me, it prolongs normal functioning between mood swings, but will never make the swings go away completely. After my psychotic breakdown, he prescribed me Rexulti. He gave me a month free. It made me feel weird, kind of like I was outside myself. I didn't eat much, but stayed the same weight. When I went to purchase it, (And I have really good insurance) it was going to be almost $800 out of pocket. Just not doable.

ahh nice, Silenor... interesting.

Yeah I'm supposed to be on Lamictal, its a really good medication but I just can't afford it right now.

Rexulti... I was on that. Not too good. I mean, I was pretty sick during that period. Very depressed... but the Rexulti made things much much worse. I became incredibly anxious and things became much harder.

i'm also bipolar 1 and i also had a psychotic break last year. i thought i was lucifer and i had to save the universe to atone for the Fall. shit was crazy.