you, bro, are triggered.
here is a formula, perform in a quiet safe place, one where you can scream and maybe even shed a tear or two.
1. When you try to draw some porn, what emotion do you feel ?
examples:
mad - angry - something you need is threatened to be changed or taken away
sad - something you need is gone. lost, taken. too late to be angry.
glad - you got or are getting something you need.
afraid - you and your sense of well being are at risk, or the risk is getting real and imminent, or happening now.
guilt - you did something wrong, against an agreement, or moral code.
shame - you are wrong inside, something about you causes you to do wrong things and that's just how it is.
numb - you don't feel anything cause disconnected, could be so overwhelmed with feelings that the switchmaster hit the circuit breaker.
WHICH OF THESE FEELINGS ARE YOU FEELING ? as you attempt drawing ?
2. WHERE IN YOUR BODY DO YOU FEEL THEM ? describe to yourself, if these feelings were objects, or textures, or substances, etc, in your body what they would be like, and what color they wold have, and MAYBE what sound or words they would present or say.....
(this is all about getting an association with your feelings state)
Now that you got all that... take your time, should take 2 to 20 minutes to get that.
Ask yourself WHAT IS THE EARLIEST TIME that you had this same experience, or one very very close ?
go all the way back to little child if that ever happened...
what do you feel IN YOUR BODY ?
it could be nothing, just notice where the nothing is. It could be any kind of sensation-I won't give a list cuz reasons, trust me, this has to come purely from your inner space.
once you identify what you are feeling and what part of your body you are feeling it in: it could be multiple feelings in different places, or one feeling in multiple places...let it flow and accept the feeling space you have.
Now notice waht