If anyone here has seriously been depressed/fucked up since they were a little kid, feel free to share your story

If anyone here has seriously been depressed/fucked up since they were a little kid, feel free to share your story.
I've had thoughts of harming and killing myself since I was 4. I'm 20 in a month and I'm a trans girl. I have always felt empty and have suffered with psychosomatic pain my whole life. My stomach hurts almost 24/7 and since puberty I have been selectively mute because the sound of my own voice stresses me out to the point where I feel a really strong impulse to cut or otherwise hurt myself. I've grown up being mostly ignored by my family and being being made to feel that I was a burden on people. every friend I have ever had has either made new friends and dropped me, or they have left because they were only using me in the first place. I have had a boyfriend for over a year now but he beats/strangles me and tells me im a faggot and a leech on him when he gets angry and yet I still cling to him because he's still the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm so ashamed of myself for being alive.

tl;dr

sucks

What does? ur life or my post?

both our lives suck
yours is worse though
i feel for you

You have a mental illness. There's nothing to be ashamed of

I always assume people just fake being happy so that's what I do. I wish I could care about stuff.

>If anyone here has seriously been depressed/fucked up since they were a little kid, go to a fucking psychologist AND a psychiatrist already.
FTFY

Using female hormones can cause depression that might be whats causing some of it.

Anyways fuck you being a trans girl is gay

Using any hormones can cause it. I tske testosterone , (for bodybuilding, not gay trans shit) its a love ahte relationship

I know it's a mental illness. My mum is fat and both me and my older brother had really complicated births with lots of problems, and i'm almost certain that caused my trannyness. I know I'm meant to be a boy but It honestly feel way more natural having boobs and hips etc.
I've been depressed since I was 4... I feel more emotional but actually still a lot better these days in comparison.

The most fucked up thing for me personally is the fact that over the years I have learned to live with and even get some kind of almost enjoyment out of being depressed. I was going to mention that in my OP but I decided not to :P One of the few things I actually like to do is deliberately listen to depressing (normally witchouse) music and just think about how I'm not good enough for anyone that people would be better off if I wasn't dragging everyone else down. Another reason I do that is because I have anxiety outbursts when I get aggressive towards people in the same way a chiwawa does when I have had enough of being the treated like scum but the consequences of doing it are so shit that it was easier to just ruin my self esteem to avoid having any sort of confidence to speak out.

I was a very sensitive child, would often cry from sad movies and show, deaths in the family etc. When i reached puberty I would get this immmense feeling of sadness. My upbringing was very loving and caring with some issues, but nothing too serious. More like me feeling my parents anxiety and financial issues. From puberty and up until now(almost 30) I still get this overwhelming sadness, as if there is this profound pain like a giant cloud everywhere and sometimes I just feel its presence. I think of the feeling as awe and being moved by whatever triggers it, which is often music or the sight of nature or environments.

OP here. I honestly understand what you mean. It's like a cloud of subtle pain comes over you as a cloud and just surrounds your body and it stays for hours and hours and it completely destroys any ability to shake the feeling, you just have to wait it out or embrace it and normally embracing it and owning it is actually better than trying to ignore it. I normally start working on my music on the computer if I get the chance when it happens.

Yes, I also embrace it, almost bathe in it of sorts. I firmly believe that crying is just as important as laughter and that is absolutely healthy to let it out on a regular basis. However it can be difficult in between society, friends, family, needing to be certain things for others etc. One thing I struggle with as of late is figuring out how to let me follow my emotions and not be drowned by them so I can still show up and be there with a more positive presence for family. On one hand I always try to put others first but on the other I need to take care of and sort my self out in order to do that.

As for trying to help you OP. It's important to learn how to love yourself, it's easier said than done but I have been fortunate enough to have had a healthy does of self appreciation from the start. One thing on the top of my head is nurturing talents and creativity, it's easiest to improve a skill and by extension having something that is a part of yourself that is easy to love.

I'm actually super good at being able to be cheery and help other people no matter how I personally feel at the time. I can be balling my eyes out but if I notice my bf is getting stressed I can instantly be a bubbly and funny stupid ass and try and cheer him up. I always used to be a joker in school, it was so nice being able to make others laugh.

As for trying to love myself, Im having a hard time, especially when I can look in the mirror 10 minutes apart and see a totally different person almost XD but I'm really trying to get into my music production, I don't even care about posting it anywhere, but I really want to have a mixtape of my own stuff that I feel actually sums up my life. my music is dark but it doesn't make me feel bad, just good in a depressed way, like you explained really well.

i didn´t read whatever the fuck you wrote there but i demand you post more j.w. waterhouse

Tits or GTFO

Well you should really appreciate that you can make others around you happy, that and the music is just things you need to slowly sink in and let amount to self worth and self love.

I've been jobless for the past 6 months and I find it really hard to leave the house (enough though I know i'm not a hon) but i've been making music like crazy. I've also painted a few abstract pieces that I took photos of and used as my song covers. I really hate this culture that we live in where everything is stolen and butchered to fit this watered down facebook cancer culture. I really like jarring and abstract art and music that borders on unenjoyable, partly just as a fuck you to the 'normies'. I don't use smart phones and I hardly check facebook, I would much rather expericence the feel of the moment and just take in what (especially nature) has to offer to my senses. I honestly think people are becoming more and more zombie like by the day due to this constant need to feel connected with the world and all the bullshit so they feel they have something to talk about and they can be relevant. I'm not saying "DETH TO NORMIES REEE" but I really wish people would be more inclined to go for a hike and a smoke sesh in the woods rather than go to the club and do coke and try and get fucked by chad.
I don't have a camera and I dont save any nudes so I guess you're out of luck.
Sorry, I actually got a new PC the other day and I left out a load of pictures and I only could find that one I posted in the OP

>Gifted/borderline genius level IQ
>Teachers always tell me I am special
>I am not socially awkward or autistic
>Share no interests with my peers
>Fakeittillyoumakeit.jpg
>End up horribly depressed pretending to be something Im not
>Turn into a massive drug addict by the age of 15
>by 17 I am injecting heroin daily
>manage to get into a decent college
>Im worn thin from scamming money to support my $200 a day heroin addiction
>grades start to slip
>kicked out of college for bad grades junior year
>afraid to admit the reason my grades were bad was because I was too busy trying to make money to buy drugs to go to class
>spend a year couch surfing and I have a pretty successful ring of scams going
>one week the only 2 people I have anything in common with get bad bags and die
>It shocks me into getting help
>get clean finish school
>have a good job and plenty of money
>My girlfriend loves me despite my horrible past
>Im utterly and completely hollow and miserable to this day

> I feel even more worthless when i realized I put close to $400k up my arm in 6 years

Was sexually abused by mother. I'm a male. Shits fucked. I'm an angry person and i hate/fear middle aged women.

I'm so fucking glad that I never tried anything more than coke (and was pretty meh about it). I didn't see it at the time but I can now see that I have kind of an addictive personality anyway
My brother used to beat me during the day and at night he would come into my room and get into bed with me and grind and hold me and sometimes would make me sit ontop of his stomach. I was probably about 5-6 at the time and I was a smart kid but I didn't really understand sexual attraction at all and I ended up following him around everywhere because I had no friends (cos I got kicked out of my primary school for being a 'problem child' (or just a child that didn't take well to bureaucracy and authority) and I was a really scary pants/nervous kid and I would shit it if I found out I wasnt within like 15 feet of him. I didn't follow my parents cos they got shitty with me all the time and were always guilt tripping me about how im going to ruin their lives by making them get fired from their job having to come get me from school and stuff like that. my brother got fed up of me following him around and he eventually stopped getting into bed with me and would just punch me if I got too close to him/just at random to teach me to leave him alone and so I grew out of the fear of being alone eventually and now we hardly talk and it's awkward as fuck.

>be me at 4
>don't talk to other kids
>start going to nhs autism referrals with lots of other kids
>after a few sessions the lady who works there says i cant be autistic cuz im so good at talking to adults
>now im 5-6 starting school
>first day make no friends pretty much don't speak to anyone other then the teacher
>autism lady fucked up.png
should i keep going?

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I hate my mother for what she did it happened when i was 8 I'm 22 now. I didnt speak out about the abuse for 13 years. Haven't spoken to my mother in 10 years. Ended up being gay I'm not sure if the abuse from my mother caused that. I struggle in many aspects of life now. I'm mentally unstable. I love helping other people but if I feel threatened I become extremely agressive. I want to help other children that have had incompetent parent/s.

Wow... I'm sorry to hear about your friends dying like that user. I hope you can find your peace before you grow too old. You are obviously a very strong person if you could get off the crap before dying from it. Your wife must be proud mate.