5'5" 23 male = suicide? Would you do it?
I fucked up. Had I played my cards right, I could have had a height surgery in Beijing by now and been 5'9".
The fact that I fucked up = opportunity cost = even more reason to commit suicide
This isn't a "can't get a girl" issue. This is a "I used to be a man but now I am a little boy" problem. I got fucked up in the head.
I used to do insane workouts but stopped because of this height trained 2-3 hrs a day doing 17k pushups with 45 lb in a month,51k situps in a month, curl a 20lb dumbbell once every 2 sec per arm for an hr so 1800 times per arm without stopping, curl 60lb dumbbells, almost maxed the machines in the hs I used to go to. All that at age 16.5. Was even goingt to double that and double that, etc. With every consecutive month until I reached my limit. Started as a 12 yr old doing 100 pushups in 1 min and 20 sec.
FUCK I already know it's too late. I lost my will power after 6 yrs of being suicidal. I know that even with all 6 surgeries, I will ALWAYS be fucked in the head now. 100% fucked up.
Chances are I will commit suicide very damn soon. I'd legit would rather be hanged on a cross while sweating blood than to be a midget.
Mental health workers always say "talking+pills fix everything". No, they don't. I'm trying it but already know it's going to fail because me accepting this height is an oxymoron.
Why?
Because I am masculinity incarnate. Accepting a childish height = the opposite of masculinity.
Money in itself doesn't make me hapoy. Neither does a career. Neither do sluts. Neither do drugs or alchohol. Neither does anything else in the world.
Training was LITERALLY the FOUNDATION of my being but I SWORE IT OFF because of this height and I don't think I will ever be me again even with all 6 surgeries (2 sets for legs, arms, and spine. Individually that basically means 10 surgeries but again, they are done in sets).
I had an ultimatum.
I will always be a little boy now. Empty.