Okay, so here's the deal... I'm gonna post wallpapers, and in the meanthyme I'd be very happy to talk to someone sensible and nonbiased (on Sup Forums? yeah, right... (also that's two positives forming a negative)) about suicide. Also will be answering questions. Basic info below, more to come
25-30 never cared much about money, never been really unemployed fan of marihuana, used to smoke daily, for the last year no more than once a week, few month-long pauses no problem with girls, although more targeted on the insecure ones, it just comes naturally familiy is good - both parents, few siblings, never beem abused; parents are religious catholics but never had any sort of 'omg your not my sun anymoor' problem with my acquired atheism, weed using or screwing around, overall cool people brother (few years age difference) died in my teenage years went through a phase of self-harm after his death, it lasted ofr about half a year and than I stopped never finished university, worked in social, people orientated phere
so for the past months I've been having intrusive thoughts about self-harm, never really acted on them (beside biting my tongue and pinching); the past few weeks they became more filled with anger and self hatred, turning to thoughts of hurting ithers or seriously hurting myself. Ususally connected with cars (when I'm driving or walking by the road), also heights and sharp things. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it very intense; when goes I'm quite happy.
no, never. I'm quite sure I should, though, few times I've been on a verger of visiting emergency psychological drop-in. Never been there, though, but I think next time the bad phase comes I will. Also that's what I thought for the few bad phases past, lol/
(I'm posting wp on random, so here's some relic of the past...)
I'm not really familiar with the red pill thing, I've seen it mentioned a few times before, presume origins from Matrix, right? Something to do with the fakeness of basically everything people build their pride and sense of meaning? Like nation, natural rights, god(s)... I don't really mind dying, or death of others. I don't seek it or find pleasure in it, but marking it as good or bad is... hm. Just it doesn't really mean anything, those words.
Also I have some conflicted aversion to meds. It sounds like bullshit, but although I try to value all states of consciousness on the same level, I hav esome disregard to substances created in order to keep your appearance acceptable. That's just something that goes after syndrome, not the root. But doesn't it? If it actually affects creation of chemicals that make your moods as they are
I hate meds too, but taking them was the best choice I ever made. I'm not on them now because I hated how they made me feel, like I wasn't myself. But what they also did is help my understand what "normal" feels like and to better identify when I was down (or even up) and therefor I'm much better off now because I understand my own cycles and moods better, and therefor can deal with them more effectively. So it might be worth it, even if you don't plan for it to be permanent.
Nicholas Thomas
but this one kinda is - it's from romantically apocalyptic. (webcomic, worth reading. For two audiences - one for a feeling of deep-rooted and non obvious fun; others for developing, complicated story that is still alive. Both sides should be able to appreciate beautiful art that goes into most of the issues)
Am I bullshitting myself when I think I know what normal feels like? As I mentioned, the bad phases come and go, and I feel I can distinguish between 'normal' and 'bad'. Have you had similar feeling, but it turned fake? Or you just haven't had any idea what's going on? Was any of the grammar I used correct?
Red pill is accepting that, especially for men, what you were told and taught was bullshit. Treat everyone equally, don't put women on a pedestal, communicate effectively, be the person you think others would want to be with. Ie hit the gym. If your partner says "i like you the way you are" you have to ignore that and remember what about you caught their attention to begin with. Don't be lazy, accept you are expendable.
Meds have their role. If you don't have an arm, is it ok to give you a prosthetic?
The partner part made me smile) Like it's some revolutionary thought. Even if you study nobody else but yourself, you can see that you tell mostly lies and you act mostly of habit, not of free will. And it comes hand in hand that others do too. Is thinking this called being 'red-pilled'?
I thought I knew what "normal" felt like, and then I knew what being depressed felt like. What I realized was that both were vast ranges and I was up and down within them. Now I can usually understand where I'm at on the whole spectrum and therefor when I start to slip I can at least prepare for it or know that I need to work at getting out of it.
Lets say normal is 0 and the deepest I get in depression is a -10. Before it felt like -5 to +5 was all the same, nothing wrong. and that -5 to -10 was "OMG WHAT DO I DO I CAN'T EVEN INTERACT WITH MY GF". Now I get to a -2 or -3 and know it, and start doing things I know from trial and error will help level me out (music, reading, sex, drinking, etc.)
Brandon Morris
you only know what normal for you feels like. Everything else is an assumption
that is called the rationalization hamster >and you act mostly of habit, not of free will Your habits are your own free will, likely created by not being comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Change is hard, scary. People will tell you that you cannot do something. It is your choice to listen or not. The real challenge is moving beyond making a choice based at all on what they say.
Chase Collins
I get you, but do you get me? I feel like I'm there already. I have my highs (not counting the induced ones), where I feel like I understand myself and therefore others, where I can enjoy simple beauty without my inner stuff being disruptive, where I like myself. On the other end are feelings terrifyingly similar to the already mentioned, but with horrifying sense of hopelessness, as if I feel the same as when I'm good but I know something, that make them feelings invalid. And not only that, but it twists them in the opposite. It's still happiness and beauty and understanding, but it makes them absolutely worthless, or even worse, malignant.
Yeah, I generally get where you're coming from. Everyone's different, I'm just saying trying meds might be worth it for you like they were for me, even if you hate it in the short term. It's worth a shot is all.
Isaiah Young
wait, isn't that hamster used when you actually hurt others and do stuff that is just out of the way? I've tried to rationalize my wrongdoings many times, but never succesfully; and I try to live my life so that I will help more than hurt (and to make you sure that it's not just my crazy - I've worked with homeless for many( 7-10 ) years. for example, and although I don't value my work that much, I am quite sure that by doing what I do I create more pleasure than pain. Even if that may not be the best way to measure someone's 'moral' (let's bear with this word, I mean being of worth to others), it still show at least something, I hope. Or maybe I don't understand what do you mean by the hamster.
And habits or free will - one part is that nobody is sure of free will, and modern biology continues to fail to prove it. Other view is that really, when you look at your own life, most of the things you do you do just because you have always one them that way. Simple things, like how you cut bread, how and when you cross roads, what do you consider sacred always, basicaly antyhing. And I'm definitely not saying that change is impossible. Change is necessary to broaden your view on life in general.
IF you don't value your work, why do it? You cannot force / expect / control someone else to value the work you do, you must value it independent of others.
The Hamster applies to all rationalizations. In the blogs it is usually pointed at women because most guys reading those are in the stage where they need to get slapped about with their thinking towards women a bit (pedestal again).
Grabbing a second slice of pizza "because you worked out" instead of having a pure protein or veggie is an example of the rationalization hamster in you.
We are animals but we have consciousness. We are not above our biology but we are not slaves to it either. It might give you innate desire but it isn't or shouldn't be running the show.
We must change ourselves for the better. Don't envy the chad, be the chad.
wait, I feel like you are actually saying that the rationalization hamster is something you have only if you rationalize acts that are hurtful for yourself from your point of view. as you said, don't envy the chad, be the chad - so it's about being healthy, being attractive and using that attractivity to mate? Isn't that just conforming to social norms? Mabe you used 'chad' as a metaphor, not meaning trying to achieve the what most of the world _says_ it's a success. But if you used it as a simile instead of metaphor, than what the fuck are you trying to rationalize by conforming to what everybody around finds as attractive and sucesfull? Why don't you dare to try to find what really makes you happy? It ain't as easy as you thing.
I don't value it that much. It's still better than working an office job, where your most significant goal is that somebody above you makes a lot of money; but enabling people to live in spite of their suffering is not that great either.
Rationalizations don't have to be victim forming. They are just an excuse for bad behavior. That is it.
Chad was used as the basic premise "I don't want to be a NEET I wan't to be more like the proverbial chad". It works for anything, that is just what I used for a literary point
Jesus Chad I try and I try. I have som basic insticts I don't want to compromise - I want to be able to use my body, so I'm not fat and to some extent I enjoy sports, mostly ultimate; and I want to be able to recognize the world around me, so I try not to go completely crazy; but those are just too weak for a motivation. I have tried to find what 'drives me', but just one example for all - I really, really like to help people (for real), especially where nobody else would help. I don't really care for gratitude, which could be identified as humbleness, but that's bullshit. What it really means that I like to help people because of myself, not because of them. (this is where it is just one example for all - everything I like turns back to myself) And I can whitstand a tremendous lot of psychological and phsyioloigcal load, if I feel like I'm 'helping'. So, what drives me, is my good feeling about what I'm doing. And that's as general as you can get.
It varies on my decisions. I have months where I sleep well, wake up early, work out, eat healthy, don't smoke, drink moderately. I also have months where I sleep 3-4 hours a night, smoke like a chimney, work out much less often, drink myself into oblivion and eat myself into stupor few times a week. I have sex in average few times a month. Ususally it's more often, but sometimes I lose all the care I have for such things and go for month or two without sex or masturbation.
And I feel like my feelings have no relation to my lifestyle. I can like myself for having a relativelky nice body or I can hate myself for vanity. I can like myxelf for accepting my feelings and likings and I can hate myself for giving to them.
Maybe it really is about self discipline in absolutely everything, but it feels sometimes like it kills its own purpose.
Also quick short answers: Right now, fow months not good sleep. bad dreams. Tired or not, changes, usualy depends on amount of sleep, but significantly often not. Dick works basically the same always - quick first load, but I can go two (normal) to five (if I try hard) times in few hours. Sex doesn't feel that good, but so doesn't masturbation. In exception of a few time where were under weed, but it's not a rule. I work phyically, am not fat and not muscular, something between skinny and athletic.
start tracking good sleep and gereral feeling including if you are horny in a calendar / planner. You'll want to do this for a few months.
Also check your T levels, total not just ratio. Something as simple as that can really take the wind out of your sails. The catch is the periodicity which we want to track and get a timeline for.
The periodicity is important so you want a good one of several months (4+). symbols on a calendar work well, hides the meaning if anyone else sees it and reminds you to fill it in
like a calendar in the bathroom with whatever symbol in the corners on each day or something. Then if someone uses it, they see whatever marking but don't know what it means.
