Luke, did I ever tell you about your mother, Padmé Amidala? She brought about the destruction of the Jedi Order by selfishly giving into her feelings and tempting your father away from his Jedi training where love was forbidden, as it leads to the Dark Side. Chancellor (later Emperor) Sheev Palpatine, who was secretly Darth Sidious, took advantage of your father's devotion to your mother and planted dreams of impending pregnancy complications in his subconscious that ultimately led to him wiping out the Jedi and helping the Sith take over the galaxy. When your mother confronted your father about this, he used the Force to almost choke her to death. After I left his burnt, but barely alive husk on the slopes of Mustafar, I managed to whisk your mother away to Polis Massa, where she went into labour. Upon your birth, she took one look at you and lost the will to live. She was a good friend.
Luke, did I ever tell you about your mother, Padmé Amidala...
>Upon your birth, she took one look at you and lost the will to live
top kek
this is my favourite shitpost tbqh
>Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you enough clairvoyance to find the rebels' hidden fortress.
>Sure I was in my early twenties during the Clone Wars and considering my rank most likely fought in them and can personally remember when thousands of Jedi were using their devotion to that ancient religion to mega flip and magically conjure up shit all over the galaxy as intergalactic sorcerer cops. Hell, I even remember when the Jedi were an officially recognized political organization whose headquarter was located in a gigantic government building on the capital planet across the street from the Intergalactic Senate where the Jedi were called upon by the Senate frequently to use their mystical sorceress powers to lend aid in conflicts and political issues but that won't stop me from being dismissive of the existence of supernatural powers!
Bravo OP
Somebody post the Chewbacca one.
>Luke did I ever tell you about the Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center commonly known as the EmPal SuRecon Center? The Sith stronghold hid in plain sight with large windows that seemed to show that there was nothing to hide. In addition, it relied on the Jedi's reluctance to attack a hospital and risk the patients inside. It featured four landing pads for emergency cases near the top of the structure. The interior was lined with ultradense walls of neuranium shielding to conceal any radiation leak from the building's reactor. Surrounding this shielding was an exterior shell of durasteel armored with a lanthanide and duralium alloy. Palpatine performed acts of Sith alchemy within the EmPal SuRecon. It was a bad hospital.
starwars.wikia.com
This made my mom laugh. Perfect summary of why Star Wars, beyond the original movies, is a piece of shit
This is why there should be a 200 year gap between the prequels and the original trilogy, and why there should be a 200 year gap between the original trilogy and SJWars
>Luke did I ever tell you about breasts? Breasts were the mammary glands of mammalian species and some reptomammals, and were normally a distinguishing feature of the female of the species. Males did have breasts, but they were far less developed than their female counterparts due to the sexual dimorphism.
>In some cultures, sentient females nursed their own young. This was true of both primitive planetary societies like Dathomir, where the warrior-women of the Singing Mountain Clan would feed their children even during solemn councils of war, and high-tech interstellar civilization: Leia Organa Solo nursed her twins for some time and Mara Jade Skywalker nursed her son Ben until he was a few months old. Even Tenel Ka Djo, Queen Mother of the Hapes Consortium, nursed her daughter Allana herself.
>Alternative techniques of feeding infants did exist, as the TDL nanny droid could store up to two liters of milk internally. Other sentient species retained strong breastfeeding traditions as well: female Wookiees had six breasts, which they used to nurse their litters of cubs. Askajian females also had six breasts, while Gran females had three.
>As male individuals were not biologically meant to nurse their offsprings, they sported much smaller breasts and produced no milk. Mandalore the Lesser (then a gladiator), Aron Peacebringer (a planetary leader), and Anakin Skywalker (in certain circumstances, such as on Nelvaan) would freely exhibit them. The males in primitive cultures would also go barechested in their young adulthood and childhood, such as the Nelvaanians. Also, males would go barechested to allow freedom of mobility or body temperature, as exhibited by the Whiphid Jedi Master K'Kruhk, Galen Marek while on Felucia, the Korun leader Kar Vastor on Haruun Kal, or Ki-Adi-Mundi when training in his youth.
>Some males, such as Anakin Skywalker and Corran Horn would also sleep barechested for comfort, though it should be noted that Horn undressed completely to sleep as opposed to simply going barechested. Also, male breasts were usually not covered when the individual was in a bacta tank, as exhibited by Luke Skywalker and Kyle Katarn, or when tortured, as seen with Cade Skywalker. Medical examinations, such as those performed by the Kaminoans on their clones, were usually performed on barechested males. Men of various species, such as the Human Jariah Syn, the Nautolan Kit Fisto, and a Quarren commander also swam barechested. Exposing one's chest, also exhibited by Syn, was a part of preparing to make love.
>In mainstream galactic society, breasts were normally kept covered.
>Female patients in bacta tanks could have their breasts covered, but in some cases they chose not to. Leia Organa seemed unperturbed by the sight of Shen breastfeeding in public on Dathomir, and Luke Skywalker was similarly unfazed when he encountered the Fallanassi adept Norika wearing only a sarong.
>Some Twi'lek dancers performed bare-breasted, and Askajian females were prized as dancers and lingerie models because of their six-breasted physique.
>A number of females belonging to non-mammalian species were known to have had breasts, most notably the reptilian Falleen (though other sources indicated that the size and pigmentation of the spinal ridge were the main distinguishing feature of gender dimorphism in this species).
>T'ra Saa, who was a shape-shifting Neti—a sentient species of plants— had breasts in her pseudo-Human form.
>Rodian females also possessed breasts with functional mammary glands. Off-world females, however, would wear loose clothing in an attempt to disguise their gender. Some females did flaunt their physique if they knew it would work to their advantage
>Vader questioned his master about Padmé Amidala. Sidious replied that Vader had killed his wife in his anger. Overwhelmed by his despair in the belief he had killed his wife and their unborn child, Vader broke his bindings on the operating table and struggled to walk under the power of his new mechanical legs. His rage destroyed the medical droids that had saved his life and severely damaged the interior of the main laboratory. It also caused a worker to go deaf permanently.
Damn wonder how Vader lives with himself after making a worker deaf.
In the oroliginal trilogy Leia tells Luke she remembers her (their) mother. How she was beautiful, but sad. So she didn't die during childbirth.
All Lucas had to do was watch the OT again. Not go off memory.
All the producers had to do was tell Lucas to fuck off when he got carried away, which is what they did with the original trilogy
Yeah but in the ot uncle Owen was literally Anakins brother and tried to stop him from going off to fight in the clone wars.
I watched your mother as she died.
I can't believe Lucas wanted to name Luke Rex Starkiller.
That too. How could he fuck it up so badly? It boggles the mind.
In an alternate universe Lucas doesn't fuck it up and it's a six episode GOAT saga.
>and some reptomammals
I really can't anymore
Oh you can't even?
Thanks Reddit
Of course there are fedoras in the Star Wars galaxy. People denied the miracles of Jesus even while He was performing them right in front of them.
I actually prefer the pt version of this, while rushed, it makes more sense that she died after giving birth and they split up the children to hide them better. Forget that they didnt change Lukes last name and hid him on Anakins homeplanet, thats just retarded
But it bothers me much more that they split up twins even though the mother is alive. Did they ever explain why Luke was on tatooine in the OT?
>Emperor_Palpatine_Surgical_Reconstruction_Center
Are you fucking kidding me?
>Luke, did I ever tell you about the time your father build a gay golden robot to help his slave mother with her household tasks, a mission virtually any other robot would be far better suited for, as he is slow, clumsy, and can barely move his arms? Yes, exactly that one you have with you, Luke. I will, however, never bring this up or acknowledge the fact that this very droid was part of every key even leading up to and during the Clone War. We left your grandmother as a slave on this very planet, Luke, ignoring her for over ten years, until she was raped to death by Sandpeople, who marched in single file to hide their numbers. Your father, however, massacred them all, including the women and children. He was a good friend.
...
>Did they ever explain why Luke was on tatooine in the OT?
You're welcome! If you like having fun and talking about star wars trivia you should really come join us on r/starwars , r/starwarsinconsistencies , and r/starwarsfandom!
Luke, did I ever tell you about Ducks? They were a species of non-sentient birds that evolved on Naboo, a planet in the Mid Rim. They had broad and elongated bodies, with a relatively long neck and a broad bill. They also had two legs set far back on the body and a pair of short, pointed wings. At least one race of ducks had brown-speckled plumage. They could be seen swimming on the Solleu River, a river that ran through Theed, the capital city of Naboo. Their planet was also home to other waterfowl species, the quadducks and the pelikki.
As ducks were widespread in the galaxy, they were incorporated in several idiomatic expressions in Galactic Basic Standard, including "sitting duck." The ship known as the Dusty Duck was presumably also named for these animals. However, not all residents of the galaxy were familiar with ducks, especially in some of the provincial regions or on dry, arid planets of the galaxy, like Tatooine. They were a good waterfowl.
I always thought it was her adoptive mother
>"Ahhhhhhh! Demon of darknesssss…"
>―Trioculus, upon being shot by the Leia Organa droid
What did he mean by this?
>Luke, did I ever tell you about Luuuke Skywalker? He was a clone of the Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, who died in 9 ABY, created by Grand Admiral Thrawn to serve as his agent in the galactic community, which the Admiral controlled secretly using a legion of clones to replace prominent people. After warding off the Lost Tribe of Sith when they emerged in 43 and 44 ABY, Thrawn's first clone of Luke, Luuke Skywalker, retired after serving Thrawn since the original's death. Luuke was replaced summarily with Luuuke, who inherited duties as the Grand Master of the New Jedi Order and a significant political persona. Luuuke would go on to assemble a Clone Army comprised of the copies whom Thrawn had made over the decades. Working with another clone, Streeen, Luuuke devised a time machine that he used to attack the galaxy during the Clone Wars.
>oh, and he was a good friend.
Luke, I may have told you about Luuuke, but did I ever tell you about Luuke? Luuke Skywalker was a genetic clone of the Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker, grown from cells extracted from the hand Skywalker lost during his duel with the Dark Lord Darth Vader on Cloud City. Skywalker's hand and lightsaber were recovered by Vader and taken to Emperor Palpatine's Mount Tantiss storehouse on the planet Wayland. In 9 ABY, the insane clone Jedi Master Joruus C'baoth performed a mind trick on Imperial Grand Admiral Thrawn's subordinate, Captain Gilad Pellaeon, ordering him to make a special clone for him. The clone that later became Luuke Skywalker was grown in secret from sample B-2332-54, the sorting code assigned to Luke Skywalker's hand. The clone was grown in a Spaarti cloning cylinder over the period of less than a month. When he was ready, the clone was given Jedi training by C'baoth and over time became little more than an extension of C'baoth's will. He was just as good a friend as Luuuke
>Luke, did I ever tell you about Anakin Skywalker? He was like a brother to me. He was a good friend.
>Luuuke devised a time machine that he used to attack the galaxy during the Clone Wars.
Someone had better be kidding me.
maybe it's a "force" memory thing?
Luke, did I ever tell you about Duchess Satine? She was my childhood friend when I was still apprenticed to Master Qui-Gon and we were stationed on Mandalore to protect her. We were quite fond of each other and she was even the one that gave me the nickname "Ben". Years later during the Clone Wars she became the ruler of Mandalore and had the whole planet become pacifists who avoided the war. You bet your ass I slayed that Mando pussy.
but 3po wasn't golden yet when anakin made him
Harry, did I ever tell you I'm 21 years old?
I thought you were making this up read wookipedia It's fucking real!
Why is Stars so filled with so much useless garbage
wookieepedia autism is always funny
I remember reading all those comics and novels set after RotJ and all of them implied the clones and cloners were the bad guys that attacked the Republic during the Clone Wars
Were they deliberately trying to hide them from Anakin? Would they assume that the emperor was going to assume luke was just owen's son?
Its Real, All Of It.
The Luke Clones, Time Travel, Dex's 50s Theme Diner. They're real.
This is not okay.
>EmPal SuRecon Center
Bravo Lucas
She was a good ass.
Nigga those books were the shit
That's their fault for not waiting til all the books were written to make the movies.
Even so, that guy is way too old - who has their first baby in their 40s?
>Albus, did I ever tell you about Serveus Snape, one of the many people I named you after? Snape was the potions master and the head of the Slytherin house. He was a very cruel teacher and treated me like shit all because he loved my mother and my father would beat the shit out of him and marry the only woman Serveus ever loved. He eventually joined forces with wizard Sup Forumsacks only to be a spy against them. Like any mother's distant friend would, he cradled the body of my dead mother as I watched from my crib. Many years later, he became a double agent again and killed Albus (the other person you are named after) when everyone thought he was evil, he was actually mercy killing Albus who had wizard cancer. (or was it aids from Grendalwald?) Eventually, Voldemort suspected Snape to be a spy and he sent out his snake to kill him. Before he died he got delusional from the snake venom and was convinced I have the same color of eyes as my mother's. He was probably the bravest man I've ever known.
>Snake, did I ever tell you about the time your father and I saved the world from a man with no face who was trying to start a nuclear arms race by unleashing a parasite that killed anyone who spoke English? Well, he wasn't actually your father. He was a body double. After your father went into a coma following an attack on mother base, we convinced some guy that looked like him that he was really big boss so that he could take over operations at mother base while your father started a new nation to fulfil his interpretation of his dead mentor's dying wish while preventing an organization that secretly runs the American government from fulfilling their interpretation of that same wish. Actually, that's why I'm here at shadow moses in the first place - secretly putting into motion a plan to destroy the patriots while also secretly under the order of the American president who is also your brother to retrieve the test data of metal gear rex against the patriot's wishes. He was a good friend.
>Han, did I ever tell you about that time when I met Yoda, master of the Jedi order? We fought together during the last days of the Clones War on the Wookie home planet, and when Order 66 was executed, and the clones started attacking their Jedi commanders, I presonally helped him escape with a little spaceship. He was a good friend.
>So it looks like the Force isn't just a superstition, uh? But of course you don't understand a word of what I say, and I'm just wasting my breath.
Oh god MGS is perfect for this meme.
We need to spread it on Sup Forums.
Luke, did I ever tell you about the time we all sat around and watched you get born? It would be some crazy cosmic poetry if everyone in this room ended up impacting your life in some way.
Fuck SW is so lame.
Reminder that Rey is Anakin reincarnated in Episode 8 and that Finn's love interest you meet at the movies opening will betray him at the conclusion.
Luke, did I ever tell you that in an universe with technology so advanced that one guy could keep living as a cyborg with just his original brain remaining, we couldn't save a woman from dying of childbirth because "she lost the will to live"?
It was a good healthcare system.
Well it's even too perfect. It's filled with kojimas ruse cruise and this kind of post is like stepping on trap of his another part of kojimas master plan.
Star wars was never good.
Luke, did I ever tell you about Order 66 Cookies?
Described as "crunchy" and having a "delightful aftertaste," they were sold in bags of 66 by an Imperial officer, next to a statue of Galactic Emperor Palpatine in Theed on Naboo during Empire Day in 1 ABY.
Stormtrooper TK-555 was personally responsible for counting and packaging the cookies.
They were good treats.
>W-wait just a second! Which one was the good friend?
>Obi-Wan, did I ever tell you how Han and me visited Chewie and his family on Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day together? Chewies wife Malla prepared a nice meal for us, based on a recipe by famous four-armed alien cook, Chef Gormaanda. Before we got there, we crashed on some water planet named Panna, after some Star Destroyers chased us through the galaxy. There Han and me got infected by some virus, but luckily Chewie and Boba Fett (!) found a cure for it, so we arrived on Kashyyyk on time. They were good friends.
>Luke wait, did i ever tell you about gravity? Gravity was the attraction between two bodies, dependent on their masses and the distance between them! Luke!
>Luke, wake up.
>Did I ever tell you about URoRRuR'R'R?
>A Tusken leader, URoRRuR'R'R was very adept at marksmanship and hunting, and also excellent in hand-to-hand combat with the traditional gaderffii. Unlike most Tuskens, he was not intimidated by machines and had no fear of approaching them. He acquired his hunting rifle, an important status symbol in Tusken culture, by scavenging it from the wreckage of a downed starship near Anchorhead. His group raided moisture farms for water and parts and roamed the Jundland Wastes, preying on unsuspecting travelers.
>Chef Gormaanda
Get the fuck out of here
Kylo did I ever tell you about the Luke Scream™? In the original release of the movie, when Luke threw himself to his apparent doom after his duel with Darth Vader, he did so with silent dignity. You can listen to this clip by clicking here. For the Special Edition release of the film a scream was added as Luke fell. You can hear the new sound effect by clicking here. Many believe this scream to be the same one used for the Emperor’s death in Return of the Jedi. Whether that’s true or not, I’m of the opinion that it sounds terrible. Thankfully the scream was removed for the 2004 DVD release. He was a good friend.
>Ah, Rey, glad I caught you.
>I see Obi Wan has clued you in about Bidlo, but did I ever tell you about Evar Orbus and his Galactic Jizz wailers?
>They were a Jizz band that, after the tragic demise of Evar, found their way to Tatooine alongside Max Rebo. It's particularly important because when your Aunt was about to be raped by a giant space slug, they performed the musical accompaniment.
>Max himself eventually joined the Rebel Alliance to provide entertainment and steal as much food as he could.
Has anyone twitted all of these to Georgie or the producers?
If not, someone should. Sorry – I haven't got a tweeter.
Luke, did I ever tell you about my home planet of Stewjon? It is my home planet, named after famed comedian Jon Stewart. It was a good portmanteau
...
This is my favorite. EmPal Surgical Reconstruction Center. Palpatine is so fucking great. I love him.
She remembers Bail Organa's wife.
Don't talk to me or my adopted daughter ever again!
>who has their first baby in their 40s?
Men who know that they can keep jizzing out offspring at 100 since their junk doesn't go off like women.
>Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center
>EmPal SuRecon
That one always cracks me up.
>The Chancellor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center, sometimes shortened to ChanPal SuRecon Center
>It later became known as the Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center, being commonly referred to as the EmPal SuRecon Center.
FML it's real.
>all these plebs haven't watched this
Jesus christ
>The way you talk outed you as a redditor and a faggot
>There's nothing wrong with reddit it's just a buzzword
Fuck you
