Sir, patrons aren't allowed to go into the theater alone

>Sir, patrons aren't allowed to go into the theater alone
>However, I'll make an exception this time :)

Thank you Robert, you've always been a good friend.

>Thanks, normally i dont allow people to enter my wife alone...but for you ill make an exception

Robert, this might be a bit forward, but what is in your opinion the most painless suicide method? I'm asking for a school project

>tfw you spill some oiled popcorn on the ground and a cinema guard dog eats it but it's forbidden to fed them so the Kino death squad drags you into the water torture chamer

fuck kinda nigga is named 'robert'???...
whats next nigga archibald?? nigga theodore??

And people tell me niggers aren't nice.

What are you saying to me boy? Know your place, LeBron.

>Ah I see you have your ticket there. Alright, just step through the virginity-detector and enjoy the movie.

...

>go to the cinema with gf
>realize I have to leave gf with cinema bull
>have to watch movie alone
>can't because of no singles policy

>ywn see a movie with robert

>Sir if you're single you can't go into the theater until you pay the mandatory Syrian refugee fee
>That'll be $350 plus tip per month to house the child in the theater and he'll accompany you as your date to every kino you want to see

Man AMC is really getting creative with these deals.

every single time the thumbnail makes me imagine an octopus being handed the popcorn.

>uhh excuse me sir but I've noticed that you're attempting to sneak around the mandatory penis inspection. I know I've been lenient about the no singles policy but this is required for all our customers, no exceptions. Lane will be able to perform the inspection right here if you prefer.

Im gonna shoot you first, Robert.

if someone really said this to me irl i'd probably berate him even in public

>go to the cinema with my mom
>have to tip toe past Darius, the weeknight prime time Bull
>"S-Sorry Darius.. this isn't my girlfriend, it's my mom.."
>He savagely lets her feel the 'Heart of Africa' for 45 minutes or so
>we make the movie and we're still in time for the ads
>at least he didn't make me prep this time :)

his name is robert you hillbilly fuck

jokes on you, rob
you can't inspect what you can't find

>local cinema imposes new safety regulation
>every customer must undergo genital inspection
>if the penis is found to be 6 inches or less erect, you have to sit in the "potential mass murderer" section that's covered with bullet proof glass walls
>if it's a white or asian female, and the vagina is found to be an innie, you have to sit between two strong black guys to protect you
Well who am i to question the safety regulations

I-If I register beforehand and pay for the deluxe ticket, does that mean I can bypass the detector and penis-measuring station?

Carbon monoxide poisoning, famalam.

thanks robert. I hope you like cleaning up my jizz. I've been saving it for 2 weeks. its think as ropes

you're a black guy

FOR YOU

>i-its okay, my gf is with me
>so i'll have two popcorns and one large diet pepsi

>no jalapenos, chili powder, and seasoned salt
PLEB AS SHIT
fuck outta here with that plain ass popcorn

>step over here sir!
>i have to inspect your penis sir. Please lower your pants and remain calm.

He's a black gentleman, not a nigger.
Hence the name Robert.

>did you just assume my gender?
checkmate

Imagine being stock photo woman in that scene

>cinema guard dog
nice meme

>me in the middle

>cinema guard dog
>Kino death squad
kek'd

>two large popcorn just for himself

He's a big guy.

and one large diet soda

Well of course.
He's gotta watch his weight.

>Sir this theater is designated as safe space and we have "no bully" policy in here.

>Mind your manners sir or i'm going to have to throw your cracka ass out of here

>go to the cinema
>stand behind a couple in the line for the tickets
>"We would like two ticke-"
>"Could you repeat that, please?"
>"S-sure, we woul-"
>"I'm sorry, it's opposite day and thus No Couple Policy is in effect"
>they get shot on the spot and carried away
>it's my turn and I tell the ticket lady that I'm by myself
>inside, after passing the various test, I find the restrooms
>I walk inside and locate the third faucet from the left
>look around to make sure that I'm alone
>half a turn of cold and a quarter of hot
>crab legs comes out
>my accomplice hid them there for me because of the food ban
>quickly hide them in my pocket
>go back in the hallway and head for the screening room
>I'm making sure not to step on any of the red exploding unawareness tiles
>inside I find my seat and sit down
>movie starts
>half an hour passes
>the ceiling fan breaks loose and decapitates the people directly below it
>blood hits the screen and covers up half of it
>sigh for myself as this is the third time this week it has happen
>no point in watching any further so I just play on my phone for the remainder of the movie

The crab legs and red exploding awareness tiles were funny. Rest seemed forced desu

>go to the theater
>alone
>buy a single ticket
>person at ticket office says nothing about it
>go into the theater
>get some snacks
>enjoy the movie
>"You too."

>going to the cinema
>first time in a long time
>step though the door and onto the conveyor belt
>shit's so slow people are complaining
>apparently the maintenance is long past due to financial difficulties
>everyone gets an extra crabstick for free as a consolation
>my time at the food panel
>I choose a bag of popcorn and a coke
>confirm selection with a scan of my knee
>moments later my order falls down from a tube in the ceiling
>just in time before the belt went past
>finally the conveyor belt goes into the viewing room
>trying to stand on my toes so that I can see the screen
>people try jumping despite it being illegal
>even a stepladder is used
>guy to my left jumped and got busted and picked up by the crane
>wider space for me to stand on
>half through the movie I notice myself and the others shivering
>look to the side
>notice that the man operating the woodstove is gone
>have to step off the belt to keep the fire going
>got to be quick so my good spot at the front doesn't roll away
>must be careful because the belt is in constant motion
>nearly crush my head in some cogs because I slipped on some spilled oil on the floor
>eventually make it there
>notice that there are no more wood left in the basket
>make my way to the wood room to fetch some more
>stealthily step over the gap in the floor which was put in to stop the wood thieves
>suddenly I trip on a wire and a plow shoots from the opposite wall pushing me into a tube
>they had installed a secondary trap
>realise that I won't be seeing the end of the movie now
>sit down in the pitch dark and begin imagining the rest of the move to myself

>go to my local cinema
>order crab legs
>no sloth fur sauce option

Seriously, what has the world come to? They're now serving crab legs WITHOUT sloth fur sauce?

>hold up white bread!
>gotta check your little white dick

what do?

>Kino death squad
*unsheathes katana*
Name your five favorite black and white French arthouse indie Kinos or you die right now.

>see new movie at cinema
>get myself a huge bucket of popcorn and a coke
>grab a handful of popcorn and shove it into my mouth
>suddenly the movie stops and a spotlight lights me up
>notice the popcorn light is off
>ohshit.jpg
>get picked up by the crane and sent straight to the cinema jail
>didn't even get to finish my coke

I-I.. uhh.. Le Vou... umm..
Okay! Okay! I'm a pleb, I'm so sorry. Just please don't kill me.

Is that you Air Force?

>check out this
>*extracts archive*

This is the worst meme ever, not because the idea isn't funny but because most of the shit posted so far was unimaginative and forced as fuck.

I like these more absurdist ones

How's you manage to play on your phone without the Kino Eagle spotting you?

>going to watch Jason Bourne to my local cinema
>decided to take the car. Bad choice, there was a lot of traffic.
>listen to Terrence Mallick soundtracks while eating the crab legs I had packed with me to sneak inside the theater
>even finish the Cranberry Stem Extract Dip and the Sloth Fur Sauce
>reach the cinema
>mandatory food inspector stops me
>licks my tongue and asks me why I was eating Sloth Fur Sauce with my Crab Legs, they are both class II bannable items and can result in 10 years in a gay jail
>turns out their combination is a class III federal offence and can result in a death penalty
>scared, I ask him if he wants a bribe and hand him $200
>He agrees and lets me in
>turns out the Sloth Fur Sauce was actually my dog's doo doo.
>puke uncontrollably whlie Matt Damon navigates through South America
>get ushered out for public indecency and fined $4000, have to spend three nights in a transsexual jail
>mfw

Well, at least the movie wasn't shit.

> white people

No, black people.

Why do Americans get triggered by people drinking diet soda? Is not wanting to consume 400-600 kcal a bad thing because you're consuming 900-1200 already?

You need to get them neurons checked.

...

>Arrive at the theater
>ticket lady hands me my ticket
>whispers in my ear "you're the designated shooter today"
>Panic because I forgot to bring my hand gun
>Quietly go to the gun dispenser, next to the gummy bear one
>Shit, only have like $200, I guess I'll buy that little gun that shots .22 or something
>Only enough money left for a couple of boxes worth of ammo
>go to the ticket inspector, pass
>go to the penis inspector, almost fail because I didn't shave but I told them my falcon ate the razor. phew.
>Finally at the movie hall, it's dance number day so we have to do the thriller dance
>Luckly I'm just a background zombie and nobody notices y shit dance
>8:00pm Movie about to start, we just have to wait for half an hour of american ads
>8:31 movie starts finally
>about half hour in, realize its a shit movie and leave
>go to the cinema showers to relax
>somebody stole my shampoo, use the one they give you there. My hair will be stiff all day ugh.
>change and leave for home
>middway realize I didn't shoot any one
>Panic again
>Run back but realize I have the neck collar that explodes if you enter with out paying
>Use the emergency exit
>start reloading my .22
>scream "S-SHOOTY M-MURDER TIME!"
>every one stands up and start clapping, some are mad at me for arriving late to kill them and giving me eyes
>h-here we go! plink-plank-plunk
>Everyone just standing there looking at each other like WTF?
>Forgot that everyone in america is immune to .22 already because all the shooting and I had to use at least 7.92mm
>get arrested for failed mass shooting
>Police need to bring a designated shooter from another room
>mfw

:D

Robert, I voted for Trump and I have an aversion to black people, but you're alright. You're alright. Keep the change.