ITT: spicy RYM reviews

Aggravating wall of sound with a fuck ton of noises that don’t fit and don’t invoke any good feelings. No joy, no sorrow, no anger, no bliss, no peace, just a whole lot of goddamn frustration . I get most of GY!BE, I get most of Swans other albums even though I think they are average, but THIS? THIS is their BEST album? BULL SHIT. Nothing good or smart or even that creative is going on here, at least “Lift your Skinny Fists” is creative and I’m not even impressed by that album. I don’t know what to really say about this, it just is nothing about music I enjoy, except “Volcano”, “Volcano” is fucking amazing and I love it. Good job getting ONE right. Also “Blood Section” and “Fan’s Lament” are really good, but that maybe only because they just about the only 2 minute lil interlude-like songs that don’t sound like all the other ones. Another problem is the spoken word, just about every one of them, especially “How they Suffer” “Minus Something” and “Her Mouth is Filled with Honey” are uninteresting and sound like those annoying people that bitch about everything in real life just the same way and I so don’t want that shit in my music. As for the long songs, “Helpless Child” is ok but nothing new, “Animus” is boring, “The Sound” isn’t too bad and “The Final Sacrifice” is a lot of DECENT ambient whatever with every now and then stoned drum-circle beats. The vocals over all are meh, but he as a singer has never really impressed me, though he doesn’t sound like Johnny Cash this time, just drunk and full of himself. “Yum-Yab Killers” and “The Beautiful Days’ aren’t too bad, there is something there at least. Notice how my review seems to be jumbled and all over the place with no clear since of order and just things placed how I feel like it comes to me? That’s this album and in a very bad way – even Frank Zappa’s record set ups made sense, this… no,

too much of nothing – typical Swans.

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This album has over 30,000 ratings! And an average of 4.19, one of the highest rated albums out of hundreds of thousands! Wow, I bet it must be great! I can barely contain my excitement! I ordered this on Amazon 5 months ago and it's finally here!

(OK, I lied about Amazon, I downloaded this thing... but the excitement is real!)

33,000 ratings, huh? That's 15 times more than the average ABBA album gets! 8 times more than the average Police album! Twice more than the average Metallica! Oh man, I bet it's 15 times as good as ABBA, 8 times as good as The Police, and twice as good as Metallica! (I mean the 80s Metallica, obviously.) At the very least! Everyone is raving about this A OK Kid, and I have this tendency to trust the majority, don't you know. They are so rarely wrong - on anything. Majority rules! Go hype! Long live democracy!

But oh no... what's this? A drowsy ballad pop album with a slight experimental slant? That's it?! The title track sounds like Bjork during her post-Vespertine phase; just as drowsy and "meditative" i.e. boring as duck. (Note that I used the prefix "post"; I wouldn't want to disappoint any readers of Radiohead album reviews. I shall try to throw in a few more posts and maybe even neos, quasis and pseudos, just bare with me, I am trying hard to impress!) But now I know at least who's responsible for Bjork drifting into drudge-drenched balladeering after Vespertine. (I mean, POST-Vespertine.... Lovely word, that.) Now I know who to blame for Bjork's musical downfall.

To be fair, the opening track is interesting, unusual. Is it great though? Not really. But be grateful for little things. Compared to what follows, it's a classic. They should have called the song Breadcrumbs. (Because when you're starved for good music, you're content to have anything - even breadcrumbs.)

Part 1

The National Anthem, wow! What rhythm! I bet mushrooms go really well with this shitty beat! One and a half mushrooms for a repetitive free-jazz-BS 6-minute indie-jazz orgy, right? (I am still new at this drug-with-music thingy, don't know how to dose myself properly yet.) So wonderfully monotonous i.e. ideal for illicit substances. So skillfully not-crafted and so cleverly semi-composed.

How to Disappear Completely was originally titled How To Sing Without Trying. I have no idea why they changed it, I really enjoy the non-irony of the first-draft title. As for the music? Enjoy it much less than the title, new or old. Yet another mediocre generic ballad, but hey, it's on KID A so it must be friggin' awesome! I am not liking it much (or at all, to be quite frank), but I am sure that's down to ME, not the song. I should be trying harder to love this song and its (most definitely) awesome deep lyrics about self-loathing or whatever. Sorry, Radiohead, for not meeting your high standards! I shall try to love this song, I promise! I shall bombard myself with it 5000 times until my ears are forced to finally capitulate and lie to me how great it is. (Hey, whatever works! I need to like this album, it's so AWESOME. Wow, that high rating though!)

Part 2

Realizing that I need to step up my game to fully appreciate the awesomeness that is turn-of-the-century Radiohead, I had my ears cleaned, to be ready for the next song, Optimistic. Sure, Yorky isn't making it any easier for me, what with another lackluster slacker vocal performance, but I KNOW that he is doing it with a purpose. I just KNOW it. The man is testing me, seeing if I can hear the brilliance in his music - even when he makes little or no effort to sing well, but wail lazily instead. The mark of a true genius. (Him, not me.) The ear-rinse must have helped because the song isn't bad at all. Would have been a lot better with a proper singer, but then I insult the band and all of modern rock music with that dumb suggestion, because as we all know slackery singing is artistic and proper singing is not. (ABBA, go home, your tiresome bourgeois professionalism and dedication aren't welcome here.)

In Limbo is up next. I am starting to regret my decision to clean my ears: Yorky is singing off-key again, and me cleaning my ears only makes me hear the bad notes more easily. Damn, why can't I just listen to this album with my brain as many others do?! I am really disappointed with myself: with my ears, with my brain, with everything. I am not doing these albums justice as a listener. All this non-effort from the band, yet I still fail to appreciate it. The song is quite OK - or would be, with a proper singer... Sorry! I meant with a different singer it would have sucked! Yorky's non-effort is sign of genius. (Sorry again, I won't let that happen anymore: no more suggestions how a proper singer could have improved these songs in a major way, because that's NOT what music is about! Music is not about the music, come on, I mean, when am I gonna finally learn that basic music rule!)

Part 3

Was this album recorded in sequence? I mean, in the order of the songs? I ask, because the very suitable titled Idioteque shows a sudden drop in the quality of Yorky's singing. (Was he getting tired?) That's kind of amazing, coz I didn't think he could actually sing any worse. But that's how artistry works, an artist surprising you when you least expect it, surprising you with a stab in the back just when you least needed it. I mean... a pat on the back when you most needed it. (Sorry.) Ehm... I love Yorky's bad singing! The worse, the better! He sounds as if he recorded half the parts strapped to a rocking chair! (Am I doing it OK, now? The review, I mean. I am learning, right? I am learning to listen to art the way it's meant to be heard. Try to be patient with me, I am a slow learner... my ears are highly developed, it's their fault basically that I can't appreciate these kinds of albums straight away.) The song is pretty awful but I believe that I shall grow to appreciate its non-existent beauty... after 500 listens. A painful process but who ever said brainwashing was fun?

Morning Bell has all my indie-rock juices flowing at excess speeds! Ballad-like, slow, stereotypical, listless, unenergetic, with Yorky's consistently bad, whiny vocals: every indie fantasy rolled into one song! I just think they could have improved the song by getting rid of the nice guitars. Some of the chords sound too good, and the fact that the guitars were previously tuned isn't a good thing either. (See? I am getting the hang of it.) With a proper singer this song could have been completely ruined by being musically drastically improved. (I believe I finally understand indie now!) And if only they'd gone for a lo-fi sound. (Yesssss! I have become master of my indie domain!)

Part 4

I say potato, you say potato, I say flick music, you say Motion Picture Soundtrack. At this point Yorky knows that we, his loyal audience, are pretty much lost in an indie/alternative haze of illicit substances, so the band closes off the album with ANOTHER soppy mellow ballad, just to make sure we fall into a deep stupor undisturbed (by interesting music). The harps are a nice touch! Although, they could have been better, and I know why they aren't as good: Yorky hadn't yet found a way to detune a harp so that it too goes off-key like his whiny voice. But I am sure that by their next album Yorky had figured out how to make the harp ignore the laws of scales just as he does. Because ignoring rules is anarchy and anarchy is rebellion. And rebellion is the only important thing in music. Especially for us hip kids.

The End

Imagine typing out all those parentheticals and thinking it looked good

I'm going to take a wild guess and say this is Qwerty100
Am I right?

Why do these hot takes on canonized “alternative” albums always have ABBA high in their ratings? Is it just europlebs?

>Why do these hot takes on canonized “alternative” albums always have ABBA high in their ratings?
because it's the same person every time aka Qwerty100

his profile page is a disaster, check out his hipster list too
rateyourmusic.com/~qwerty100

As someone who loves the Seer, I agree with this review 100%. Even the part where he says Volcano is the best song.

Holy shit guys, I think Jenny McCarthy was right about vaccines causing autism, because I don't have a better reason why he is so fucking retarded.

Also
>I am 17 years old
His opinion is invalid out of the get-go

LOL. He gave 1.5/5 rating to White Ligh/White Heat, 1.0/5 to Dopethrone and 0.5/5 to GY!BE.
Imagine being this retarded.

what is wrong with his reviews and profile besides the fact that he does not like your music?

they're a 40 something man, read the whole thing

3deep5u xdxdxdxd

Jesus man there is plenty wrong with his long ass reviews. Nobody wants to invest that much time in reading this fucking drivel but it is refreshing to see some deviate from the tired ass RYM hive mind orthodoxy tbth.

hi qwerty

thats about right on the gybe and dopethrone. white light white heat deserves a bit more.

Get ready.

reviews that are basically journal entries are objectively as bad as reviews that emulate a conversation between two people

Sonemic will NEVER lunch

This!

>writing about your shitty personal life that nobody cares more than about the music itself