Go to rateyourmusic.com

>go to rateyourmusic.com
>find a 0.5-2 star review of one of your favorite albums
>censor all mentions of the artist or album title
>post it here
>other anons try to guess what album it is

I'll start:

Yet another case of blatantly overrated ‘cult’ musician with death wish written all over his face, music and lyrics.
Just like the mediocre Jeff Buckley.
Why critics and fans are so fascinated by this type of morbid persona will always baffle me.
There are tens of thousands of life-affirming artists and millions of uplifting songs to be heard before [Artist] [Album].

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The first two tracks are brilliant - then he decides to turn into animal collective.... and then things get really painful on the ears.

WTF has happened to this guy ? Excruciating stuff.

Lol! What a waste of an object this "CD" is. This was played for me by one of my friends a while ago, and I realize it is supposed to be a bit tongue-in-cheek..but how bad does it have to be for someone to think that an attempt at making fun of yourself sounds like something, in itself, you'd make fun of??

For one thing, the members of this "band" honestly have no talent. Other bands with a dose of humor at least have some members who can play something, such as the band Primus. There needs to be a reason to take the lack of seriousness, serious.

Everyone got their copy free, yes? Please tell me you did. Anyone who paid a solitary cent for this horseshit would kinda be like the guy that smokes a damn Dandy Lion, and then thinks their getting high because someone tells them that their getting high.

This is the most ball-less, rubber-ducky bullshit I've had to endure in ages. That means that it sounds squeaky and high, just like a guy that has lost his rocks.

something by Elliott Smith
In Rainbows? Cause of the name your price release

>tfw you're the only person who has reviewed any of your favorite albums

Kind of long-winded and not very enjoyable actually. The prospect of a 43-minute long experimental hip hop track seems novel, but 90% of this isn't hip hop at all, mostly just minimalist ambient/industrial drone soundscapes with [redacted] faintly narrating (not even rapping) over it on occasion. At half the length it could be rather plausible, but in this state it gets old fast - the track goes nowhere, doesn't carry enough ideas to propel itself far enough to justify its duration and neither is it massive enough to thrive on its bulk alone (I find it to be much softer than the usual [redacted] material). One of those albums that's much more exciting to hear about than to actually hear.

:)

wait I've seen this before
this is on a beastie boys album

Either that Dalek album or Techno Animal

You got it, dälek's Untitled.

Hard(er) mode:
"It wants to be creepy, but when I listen to this all I can imagine is an unsually foreboding night spent working overtime at the office."

Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
yep

yeah, it's Either/Or

album 1:
Musically this is acceptable, vocally...this guy is one irritating mutha' whingey whiney garbage.

Show us, I wanna listen

There's way too much going on, and not nearly enough substance to back it up. He may have got pop covered, but the rest...? It's yet another great example of [REDACTED] trying too hard to be unique with overlapping styles that just don't blend well together, or individually even, full stop. I'm a fan of strange music, but [REDACTED] is just one gigantic mess; it's not unique, just awkwardly odd. Even the nonsensical lyrics couldn't salvage this lifeless bomb...and wait, things get better! He calls his monotonal talking/singing "rapping"??!!

This is what some people consider "a classic"? I mean, really? Well, maybe I just "don't get it" but as far as music revolutions go, this album is no more than a good party disc.

Here's a game. Guess the album this faggot is reviewing.

>can't find any negative reviews of my favourite albums because they're apparently too obscure

MBDTF?

Affectation is not an exact science. There are those find nothing in the prose of Beckett but who weep at the thought of a lost boy and his ghostly companion in a castle, still more who find virtual characters juvenile yet shudder with fear while reading the misery memoir based on real events. But this is just trite, isn't it? (Lyrics) ... (Artist)'s characters are comical, disfigured prescriptions of the American Dream as seen through the eyes of a 1950s WASP elite: exclusively white, male and heterosexual. And yet even as a card-carrying member of that privileged group, I find his observations on life alienating and insulting. This is the male gaze after downing ten pints of piss and overdosing on Viagra. Just looking at the cover makes me want to apologise on behalf of someone.

Sufjan Stevens?

"its 'alternative' in the most obvious ways. Horrible sounds and stupid sounds and randon instrument solos and obviously alternative timing and... its shit, try a bit harder to be alternative."

I don't like Charles Dickens. I don't really like Victorian literature in general - while I'll definitely give the Bronte sisters and Bram Stoker passes, every other Victorian author I have ever read, and this extends to big dogs like Lewis Carroll and Lord Tennyson - strikes me as both overly florid and overly mannered, not to mention really, really dull. The Romantics were a lot better. But Dickens is arguably my least favorite author in the history of ever, and certainly the worst I've heard to have such a reputation. His works drag on forever, the monotony of his endless descriptions occasionally broken by the monotony of stilted dialog from zero-dimensional characters with unbearably stupid names.

On a similar note, I cannot believe that a band just as obviously of their time as Dickens is of his and a band famously named after a Dickens character, is taken as seriously as they are around here. Now, they are my favorite of the trilogy of god-awful '70s prog bands that I can't believe anyone takes at all seriously anymore - the other two would be Kansas and the dread ELP - but being the best of three of my least favorite bands isn't much of an achievement at all. To their credit, they aren't quite as wanky as ELP or as horribly pompous as Kansas. Most of their songs are fairly concise, in fact. But they're still a fucking awful band. Despite being short, the ear-torture of [REDACTED]'s bombastic, operatic, utterly tuneless vocals (some of the worst I've ever heard) occasionally broken by the ear-torture of this shitty hockey rink organ turned up to five hundred million thousand. Which isn't a real number, but the point stands. Oh yeah, and occasional sleazebag guitar that would still date this right back to the early '70s (which was a much better time for soul than for rock) if everything else about it didn't. In conclusion, this is what Aqualung would sound like if it was unbelievably horrific instead of great.

YHF

something by Stevie Wonder ez

Here's a harder one.

>This is what happens when a hip-hop artist decides to take the album title's concept (as I understand it, it's to do something as freaky as hell using elements of hip-hop) and make a Radiohead'ish U-turn at the same time.
The attempt at following the concept by mish-mashing together unrelated track parts and throwing in hyper-active synths is one of those crazy "new words in music" that should never be applied by anyone ever, and unlike Radiohead [Album] has no tunes whatsoever.
The result is MESSY-MESSY-MESSY!

Distressing, spastic, bombastic, probably plastic too, makes me cringe up into a tight ball like a spider when poked. Gave it 1 star, because: 1. I'm not that mean, 2. I do enjoy one chorus on (Song), however that song is 4 minutes going on 2 hours of repetitive blargle.


I feel like a right wanker now, I hate it when my little loves get reviewed like this, but...hang on, fuck off! This is number 66 (at this moment) on the overall charts while Trout Mask Replica gets a right rollicking back at number 500 (or so). Fuck off again!

May listen to again in future, like force myself like a magnet being pushed (by you 66ers) into the same pole, so I bet i'll just flip around... and be listening to it with my arse again.

"I dig the eastern Asian influence on this album, and I really appreciate the fact that this was all made in one take. But in the end if I really wanted to hear this kind of music, I'd go to a Chinese restaurant."

kek

Atrocity Exhibition.

TMR?

"The singer is among the worst I've ever heard, the lyrics are basically all the angsty cliches you've ever heard and they are typically screamed at you amidst frantic acoustic guitar playing.

I guess they want to capture the essence of the drifter, hobo lifestyle with this album but instead they capture the entitled, whiny, teenage sentiment which just doesn't do it for me.

It avoids an even lower rating because I thought some of the instrumentation was enjoyable, even if the end product was complete shit."

Wait wait wait qhat the fuck there's a real poster on this board RIGHT NOW that likes fucking Uriah Heap

Nope

Honestly, this is the most disappointing album of all time for me. I went into this expecting the best. What I got was a heaping pile of pretentious shit. This is the album that a bunch of pretentious people sat around and said this is groundbreaking. Now I'm not saying everyone who likes this is pretentious, but I am saying this album is their best-friend.
To me this was just not very good. It was really just a cluster-fuck of a bunch of songs that honestly sounded the same. I hated that they were trying to be funky at times. That just added fuel to the fire. I guess I understand why people think this album is so ground breaking, but I just didn't get it.
Despite myself not liking this there was a plus or two. The musicianship here is great. The guitar player is great, the bassist is great, and the drummer really shows a ton of skill. And although I can't really name any specific good songs there were a couple.
This just was not my cup of tea. I had such high expectations that were immediately broken. After the first song I just said to myself, "Is this really what this album is?" and sure enough that's exactly what it was.

Can

An aggressively mediocre combination of uninspired shoegaze and glitchy IDM-isms which never gels together into anything. First two tracks are good but I feel like they represent a good deal of unrealized promise - the band does not manage to meld the two separate genres with any degree of competence, instead going for a "one or the other" approach, and doing nieither style particularly well.

Oh and it's bloated as fuck. I dislike that.

Nope

Velocity Design Comfort

I've been kicking myself in the butt for years for largely ignoring the 70s prog rock scene, constantly telling myself to finally get off my ass (well, actually get ON it, coz listening to music is ass-based unless you're a headphones jogger) and check out some of the classics.

Well... "classics".

There are - shocker - only three tracks on the album. The first one already serves as a sort of "oh boy what am I getting myself into" warning, as if the "song" is pompously saying: "ARE you able to withstand the majesty that is this music?" The band ***** is taunting me. They're taunting me to stop listening coz the first track goes off with some stunning(ly boring) and pointless wankery.

The song does get a bit better once the wanky show-offy bit is replaced with something more edible, more listenable, but the vocals are nothing to get excited about. OK, at least they're not high-pitched wussy-whining the likes of which Supertramp used, but the guy has no major charisma and the tunes are average.

The second track was uneventful too, with some nice organ-piano sounds, but I'm not just after good sounds, I need good tunes too. Nope, the good tunes are very sparse, averageness dominates.

The third track... well, I didn't get that far. I mean, I started listening to the third track but somewhere along the line the band beat me. The band ***** kicked my ass. They succeeded in their quest to prevent me from completing the album. Why they'd want me to fail in this brave endeavor, I do not know, but for sure they had convincing arguments to make me give up.

Nice going, guys. You feeling pleased about yourselves?

Look, here's the thing - I don't need melodies and I don't even need rhythm, just so long as SOMETHING interesting is going on. I honestly enjoy crap so random that it very well could have been made up on the spot, and thus consider myself to be essentially a gold mine for "experimental" musicians - it's easier to entertain me with noise than it is to talk a 16 year old boy into bed. That said, [ARTIST] have become really goddamn boring.

These tracks - which apparently consist of more than one song, but I’m not sure how this was discerned - take FOREVER, and except for the first one (which sounds kind of like Pink Floyd’s ,Ummagumma - a much better album, by the way), don’t build at all. You sit there waiting and waiting for something to catch your interest, letting the minutes of your life drip away like basic human decency from a pharmacy employee, and THEN…. absolutely nothing happens! I had no idea a human being could make their voice as slow as [FRONTMAN] does here - Terrence Malick makes movies faster than these songs move along. There’s the occasional use of that neat trick where a vocal melody is placed atop a lonely, unexpected solo instrument (bass guitar, for instance), but nothing [ARTIST] haven’t showed us before on their other, more artistically successful collections.

Depending on your source, band dungeon-master [FRONTMAN] is retiring the [ARTIST] moniker, and if this (50 minute!) EP is an indication of what goes on in his head, there’s little need to worry about the band’s demise as I find it hard to believe he could manage to word a press release announcing any dissolution in less than two years. At a time when indie-rock is rapidly absorbing and learning from the last few [ARTIST] releases, the band itself comes off like they’re so desperate to carve out their own ridiculously distinct niche that even the smallest trench will do.

[album] is definitely not a bad album... But really? This dull, predictable, irritating plodder was the critically acclaimed modern classic I heard about? When it first came out, the hype that surrounded it was unreal. It was supposed to be one of the best albums of the decade, a modern classic and the savior of modern rock music. Looking back a few years later, that's just absolutely hilarious. It's always been completely and utterly lost on me, but more so now than ever. As I've said before, time puts everything in its place and looking back on the emergence of indie rock bands in the early 00s, a load of bands that were around were better than this! I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't see it. The overall rating says that people like it, but don't love it - which I can handle and I know lots of people who think they're bad, mediocre and just plain alright. I take comfort in that.

The thing I really don't like is things that sound stale and too derivative. I don't mind if someone can make something completely derivative, if it's derived from really great sources and is put together brilliantly but this is a little second rate. It sounds so stale and [band] , as songwriters and musicians are just so... predictable. Nothing about their songwriting is remarkable in the slightest, as is nothing about their musicianship. It's not bad songwriting, nor is it bad musicianship. It's just... ordinary and run of the mill. Listen to Gang Of Four instead. [album] is a slightly above average album, from a poor band.

"We hate to admit it but actually nicked stuff from Genesis".
"Don't worry, we won't be the next King Crimson".
Don't worry guys. There's no way you can record something that comes close to Robert Fripp.There's nothing worse than closet prog-rock fans. At least, prog rockers are really into what they're doing, they're not all "oh, but we're too cool for prog-rock, let's name drop Neu! instead, we're too ashamed we love "Foxtrot"".The first time I heard (album) I couldn't even listen to the whole album in one sitting.That's how exciting this masterpiece is. Whiney, pretentious, pompous, overrated piece of crap that we all know too well, as apparently it's the esperanto record of my generation, our "Dark Side of the Moon" (poor Pink Floyd...), ie the record that everybody seemed to have at some point, and listen to whenever they would hang out (remember this proliferating species of people that were (band) fans 10+ years ago? *shudder*) There are many mysteries in music, (band) being thought of as innovative Gods is one. It's beyond me. Even now, with the internet, people can find out that (band) isn't that original or great.This record was a start of a lot of trouble and many new bands were then marketed as "The New (band)". Woo-hoo. Thank god for the underground (essential for survival), and to the Strokes for giving a kick in the ass and bringing back a bit of energy.
Oh, and (album) came out the same month as "Blur"'s eponymous 5th album - a truly great and innovative record. This one deserves acolades.

Faust

Is This It?

Nope.

After having owned many of the previous *Band Name* releases I finally got that one. What an disappointment!

This album is cheeeesy!! All this is cutesy and lalala. Along with hip breakbeats.
Seriously, If you want some nice beats either go for AFX, Squarepusher, Kid606, or if you prefer it more soothing go for LTJ Bukem, DJ Premier, Herbalizer, Omni Trio... whatever. Only not this undecisive beat-dabbling.
Then again, it is *Band Name* and it does not really sound bad and is faintly charming, too. The worst part of this album is it spoiled the fun of the earlier releases for me, too. Recognizing the childish lalala on previous albums, as just what it is, childish lalala.
*Band Name* aren't that good songwriter to bear with that such claim. French songwriting can do that, beeing childish and deep at the same time. Or childish and catchy. *Band Name* is mediocre in songwriting, their strength had always been concept and sounddesign. Like ok: "let's join some Neu! beats with moog organs, women chanting medieval melodies and Sonic Youth noise." It worked fine on the previous releases to me.
Here they fail with their concept. The merger of French Pop Songwriting and breakbeats is just bland. It is lounge in its best moments.

I like many different genres like slow core, power pop, neo-psyc, shoegaze, etc. But I don't like post hardcore, lo-fi, and emo. So a combo would make me hit the stop button. Sorry

Decent songwriting and a potentially fantastic technical sound wasted completely on useless vocals.

"Ah The ridiculously pretentious 1970's and it's most vacuous, soulless, pretentious performer. This time out with what sounds like a whole side of pre programmed synth noodling that serves absolutely no purpose other than to tell us how hip [ARTIST] now is having heard all those Kraftwerk albums."

Oh oh I know that one. That's that famous Wilco album with the buildings on the cover. I remember because I thought that was one of the absolutely most retarded reviews I ever read on Rym, which is quite a feat.

Low (seen that one before)

_ has enough different sounds to have the potential to be a really fantastic album. Sadly, I thought it was quite disappointing. The album certainly has its positives: it is an interesting, and definitely original, mixture of alternative R&B with glitch pop, the album is cyclical or recursive (meaning the last track is linked with the first seamelssly), and the chaotic atmosphere it creates even in the first two tracks certainly draws your attention to the music. However, there is a certain incocherency to the album that makes it difficult for this attention to be maintained. Whenever something new is brought to the genre, it often sounds like an afterthought or a late addition — a bit like the entirety of Kanye West's catastrophic failure The Life of Pablo. There are effects and snippets of ideas that almost seem pasted into the tracks for no apparent reason, with very little discernible thought behind them. Some of these sounds may be nice, like the relaxing rain ambience at the end of the title track. Nevertheless, very few of these clips seem to fit in with the context of their respective tracks very well. In a similar vein, the songs often seguè awkwardly into little interludes. Whether or not these interludes work or not, they contribute to the length of the album — over one hour — which begins to feel too long, possibly even tedious, around the halfway point. In fact, I feel that _ would be a much better record if it were considerably shorter, because it does have good tracks. It is a big frustration I find with this album that a lot of the truly innovative, interesting ideas (such as the noisy parts of the album and some interesting vocal sections) are let down by the fact that a considerable remainder of the album isn't very good.

I tried hard to get into this, I had bought it right at the time it came out, and I was psyched to see a brand-new [band] album. But after a week I knew it was something I would wind up rarely if ever listening to. It's much slower than "[previous album]" and has one of the sure-fire indicators of imminent sellout by a [genre] band: lyrics that are clearly understandable without a lyrics sheet. It's not blatantly trendy or wimped-out, but still you knew what was coming soon.

ITAOTS

Uriah heep is great my man
I'm not even that dude

anything by The Front Bottoms

Written almost as badly as a Vince Russo Wrestling show.

0.5/5, and that's what it deserves.

...

...

Nope

johnny hobo and the freight trains?

"it sounds like a 13 year old that just got a dl-4 and then it sounds like im getting flushed down a toilet"

Iglhooghost?

Remain in Light

Buyer's Markey? Filth?

Self indulgent gothic tripe. The fact that so many morons regard this album and band as deep, meaningful and a creative genious is laughable.

should be pretty ez

Disintegration?

No and no.

...

Congratulations?

nope

most anything by Donovan
youtube.com/watch?v=-cGWTAe3M6U

Art Angels?

Hint: it's from the 70's

Something by ELP?

...

Nope.
Another hint: it's a solo work

something by El Guincho

nope

no

Easy one

>How can anyone like this piece of crap? Seriously, it sounds like music for Scooby Doo, except in this case Scoob is getting raped by the monster and Shaggie is to high on drugs to care.
holy fuck lmao

shit, didn't realize what i was supposed to do

Ween?

Yes, what album?
Something by Ghost

nope, not ghost. not even close.

t. Babe_N_Co

Comus???
The Pod?

who the fuck bought out all of these reviewers?

No, [Artist] has not changed music in any positive, or noticeable way.

No, they will not be remembered ten years from now.

And no, this is not a good album; it's yet another limpid loincloth for the limping emperor. Just fucking trip him already.

"At the end of the day, people that don't like [Artist] are reactionary."

A pleasant way to say, "I unironically bought the hype machine"

Where will you be when it runs out of batteries?

0.5

Yeezus

Nope, they're a group

Something by AnCo?
Guessing MPP

LCD Soundsystem?

Nope, 2015 album

I love [band] sometimes, but this is awful to me. Let the pretentious love it. More fool them. The reality is, you're listening to noises that are simular to ticking clocks and a passing car. Do you praise that on a daily basis?

Death Grips?

"This album is the equivalent of having a person with schizophrenia whose voice in his head won't shut the fuck up."

yessir

Atrocity Exhibition?

bungle?

No, but same genre. From the 90s