>be me >holidaying at congolese kinotree >no shingles policy so i infect myself walking through the market on the way >hawk safely hidden from view in my burlap african backsack >almost run over by roving militia humvee >all good i brought enough bananas to keep them off my trail >make it to the ticket taker >doesn't see past my ash and faeces disguise and lets me in as a fellow congolese >give him an ungu bunga for his troubles >climb to highest branch hoping to catch a good spot for rogue one >all the other theatregoers brought their cinemonkeys >release hawk assuming they have the aviary setup im used to stateside >almost immediately she gets caught in giant africanized killer spiderweb >torn apart by rival packs of spidermonkeys >hesitate bringing out my anvil as the locals have already brought out their bongos and ritual chickens >sit back and try to enjoy the quips but keep getting distracted by staff witchdoctors offering people albino bodyparts >buy one just to be rid of him, a babyleg >he tells my it will cure aids and gives me a knowing ooga >booga back halfheartedly trying to hold onto plot >branch breaks from combined weight of doctor, anvil, and vermin satchel >forced to watch in the mudpit >trampled by wild hippo >still fell asleep halfway through
>be me >go the theatre >park in handicap spot >fake a limp through the gimp door >gimp alarm gets triggered by my spare corpse in my carryon luggage >have to explain myself as a kinotoreum priest showing the dead their favourite upcoming kino prior to their burial >flash my card and puppeteer the dead's fac eand head from the back i've hollowed out to mouth that im approved for entry >kino bruisers let me pass >dump body in showers and pass penis inspection >no hawks, only bats allowed through the broadcast >make it barely through split before deciding its a lost cause >go to retrieve my body >kinoghouls already harvested it and escaped into the mines below the theatre >purchase a new one on the way out and head to the funeral thus is life
Charles White
Imagine trying this hard.
Caleb Scott
He really went out of his way to sound australian.
Caleb Foster
I just imagined a Planescape Torment game with Sup Forums memes in a cinema hell
Connor Flores
>He didn't have a sacrificial starving baby migrant. step up OP
Levi Taylor
>be me >drive 30 minutes to the slightly nicer movie theater in the next town over >park my car and enter the theater >swipe my debit card at the kiosk to buy a ticket >pick up popcorn and a soda, then pay >it's a little expensive, but it's worth treating myself now and then >grin childishly as I top my popcorn with that delicious fake butter oil stuff >hand ticket taker my ticket >she informs me that my film is being shown in theater 6, third door on my left >enter theater 6 and find a seat >munch on popcorn while enjoying the previews >enjoy a good 90+ minutes of cinema >leave the theater with a smile on my face and drive home
Man, I sure do love going to the movies.
Jackson Williams
>live on outskirts of chernobyl in russian bydlo kinobloc >forced to feed mule twice as much for twice as long due to EU sanctions >make it to kinogulag and flash my adidas and reebok tattoos to be allowed in >drunk outlier smashes me with empty kvas bottle >shrug it off and purchase my own >forget to tip the police waiting at the staircase >they trip the staircase slide lever and slide into sludge pit next to other slavs and staffer dredges >forced to watch monster trucks through slave grate >ask for my reubels back afterwards >KGB judo me into tagless van and drop me off near commieblocatopia >forced to shamble back >spraypaint cameras walking up stairs to my hovel praise Putin
Tyler Collins
>go to local movie theatre >stock up on snacks before so i don't have to pay for overpriced shit at the theatre >get take-out imitation crab legs and jujubs (i wanted to get real crab legs but mommy wont let me anymore) >get to theatre >they know have mandatory bag-search policy >begin sweating profusely >line moves, i'm next for inspection >massive black guy asks me for my ticket and bag >sweating intensifies >he asks me again for my ticket and bag >i'm completely catatonic, sweating buckets at this point >"HOLY SHIT" somebody screams behind me >"THIS GUYS SHIT HIS PANTS" >i instinctively feel my ass for signs of a big no-no (last time i had one in public mommy revoked my real crab leg privileges) >my ass is no-no-free >a guy down the line wearing a Dawn of Justice shirt and an American Psycho totebag is on the floor crying and shitting himself, brown liquid leaking out from his cargo shorts >black security man attempts to pick him up from the puddle of shit stew he's created on the falcon-feather carpet floor >pants-shitter calls him a nigger and says something about a cuck shed (i didn't catch it since by this time i put on my Razr headphones to play System of a Down to drown out the noise) >black man kicks him in the face >police called him, take both of them away >as police pull away jared leto crashes into the ticket booth in a hot pink lamborghini and starts shooting up the theatre lobby >call mommy on my nokia ngage asking her to pick me up >she freaks
All in all great experience
Ian Clark
kino post
Liam Murphy
bumperino
Henry Ramirez
Bump
Benjamin Bailey
This is funny
Tyler Williams
>go to the cinema >get ticket for me and my falcon >get into the cinema elevator to reach the screening >cinema elevator breaks down >had to wait an entire day for the cinema rescue team to get me out >it took so long my falcon got hungry and gouged my eyes out
thats the last time I take my falcon to the cinema
>rogue one release night >smuggled in pizzahut extra large, double sausage, extra cheese, stuffed crust pizza >a 2nd large pizza with the same toppings as above folded into itself because I miss the P'zone so bad and this is as close as i can get now >2, 2 liters of pepsi >finish all by the end of movie >leave all my garbage on the floor and on surrounding seats >take a massive greasy pizza shit in my pants use hands to scoop/wipe it out >wipe excess feces from hands on the seat >go cleap up in the theater shower room