Be me

>be me
>holidaying at congolese kinotree
>no shingles policy so i infect myself walking through the market on the way
>hawk safely hidden from view in my burlap african backsack
>almost run over by roving militia humvee
>all good i brought enough bananas to keep them off my trail
>make it to the ticket taker
>doesn't see past my ash and faeces disguise and lets me in as a fellow congolese
>give him an ungu bunga for his troubles
>climb to highest branch hoping to catch a good spot for rogue one
>all the other theatregoers brought their cinemonkeys
>release hawk assuming they have the aviary setup im used to stateside
>almost immediately she gets caught in giant africanized killer spiderweb
>torn apart by rival packs of spidermonkeys
>hesitate bringing out my anvil as the locals have already brought out their bongos and ritual chickens
>sit back and try to enjoy the quips but keep getting distracted by staff witchdoctors offering people albino bodyparts
>buy one just to be rid of him, a babyleg
>he tells my it will cure aids and gives me a knowing ooga
>booga back halfheartedly trying to hold onto plot
>branch breaks from combined weight of doctor, anvil, and vermin satchel
>forced to watch in the mudpit
>trampled by wild hippo
>still fell asleep halfway through

never got my refund either, fuck afrikaans

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Keep it up

Hey I didnt know Al Jolson worked here XD

Kek

>*blocks your escape*

where the fuck are my crab legs?

...

>be me
>go the theatre
>park in handicap spot
>fake a limp through the gimp door
>gimp alarm gets triggered by my spare corpse in my carryon luggage
>have to explain myself as a kinotoreum priest showing the dead their favourite upcoming kino prior to their burial
>flash my card and puppeteer the dead's fac eand head from the back i've hollowed out to mouth that im approved for entry
>kino bruisers let me pass
>dump body in showers and pass penis inspection
>no hawks, only bats allowed through the broadcast
>make it barely through split before deciding its a lost cause
>go to retrieve my body
>kinoghouls already harvested it and escaped into the mines below the theatre
>purchase a new one on the way out and head to the funeral
thus is life

Imagine trying this hard.

He really went out of his way to sound australian.

I just imagined a Planescape Torment game with Sup Forums memes in a cinema hell

>He didn't have a sacrificial starving baby migrant.
step up OP

>be me
>drive 30 minutes to the slightly nicer movie theater in the next town over
>park my car and enter the theater
>swipe my debit card at the kiosk to buy a ticket
>pick up popcorn and a soda, then pay
>it's a little expensive, but it's worth treating myself now and then
>grin childishly as I top my popcorn with that delicious fake butter oil stuff
>hand ticket taker my ticket
>she informs me that my film is being shown in theater 6, third door on my left
>enter theater 6 and find a seat
>munch on popcorn while enjoying the previews
>enjoy a good 90+ minutes of cinema
>leave the theater with a smile on my face and drive home

Man, I sure do love going to the movies.

>live on outskirts of chernobyl in russian bydlo kinobloc
>forced to feed mule twice as much for twice as long due to EU sanctions
>make it to kinogulag and flash my adidas and reebok tattoos to be allowed in
>drunk outlier smashes me with empty kvas bottle
>shrug it off and purchase my own
>forget to tip the police waiting at the staircase
>they trip the staircase slide lever and slide into sludge pit next to other slavs and staffer dredges
>forced to watch monster trucks through slave grate
>ask for my reubels back afterwards
>KGB judo me into tagless van and drop me off near commieblocatopia
>forced to shamble back
>spraypaint cameras walking up stairs to my hovel
praise Putin

>go to local movie theatre
>stock up on snacks before so i don't have to pay for overpriced shit at the theatre
>get take-out imitation crab legs and jujubs (i wanted to get real crab legs but mommy wont let me anymore)
>get to theatre
>they know have mandatory bag-search policy
>begin sweating profusely
>line moves, i'm next for inspection
>massive black guy asks me for my ticket and bag
>sweating intensifies
>he asks me again for my ticket and bag
>i'm completely catatonic, sweating buckets at this point
>"HOLY SHIT" somebody screams behind me
>"THIS GUYS SHIT HIS PANTS"
>i instinctively feel my ass for signs of a big no-no (last time i had one in public mommy revoked my real crab leg privileges)
>my ass is no-no-free
>a guy down the line wearing a Dawn of Justice shirt and an American Psycho totebag is on the floor crying and shitting himself, brown liquid leaking out from his cargo shorts
>black security man attempts to pick him up from the puddle of shit stew he's created on the falcon-feather carpet floor
>pants-shitter calls him a nigger and says something about a cuck shed (i didn't catch it since by this time i put on my Razr headphones to play System of a Down to drown out the noise)
>black man kicks him in the face
>police called him, take both of them away
>as police pull away jared leto crashes into the ticket booth in a hot pink lamborghini and starts shooting up the theatre lobby
>call mommy on my nokia ngage asking her to pick me up
>she freaks

All in all great experience

kino post

bumperino

Bump

This is funny

>go to the cinema
>get ticket for me and my falcon
>get into the cinema elevator to reach the screening
>cinema elevator breaks down
>had to wait an entire day for the cinema rescue team to get me out
>it took so long my falcon got hungry and gouged my eyes out

thats the last time I take my falcon to the cinema

youtube.com/watch?v=JBx-vydxfKU

>rogue one release night
>smuggled in pizzahut extra large, double sausage, extra cheese, stuffed crust pizza
>a 2nd large pizza with the same toppings as above folded into itself because I miss the P'zone so bad and this is as close as i can get now
>2, 2 liters of pepsi
>finish all by the end of movie
>leave all my garbage on the floor and on surrounding seats
>take a massive greasy pizza shit in my pants use hands to scoop/wipe it out
>wipe excess feces from hands on the seat
>go cleap up in the theater shower room