ITT: Your Oscar speech

ITT: Your Oscar speech

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Fuck Drumpf and fuck white people

mfw you dont send a squaw to tell the academy to gtfo

Oh wow, I didn't think I'd win this. I just want to say I've spent so many nights beating off to so many of the women in the audience tonight. Just.. so many of you. Jessica Chastain, especially. So yeah if anyone's down to blow the Best Actor winner, I'll be at the afterparty.

jews did 9/11

FUCK
THE
JEWS
RACE
WAR
NOW

G-Give Sam his sh-show back!

Trump is gay and so am I. Thank you very much! :^)

The plebs in hollywood would never give me an oscar. My art is, heh, a little above their level.

"thank you"
Then I would throw the Oscar at Spielberg and do the "are you not entertained" speech of Gladiator and Russel and Mel would start screaming my name

...

I like that one user that suggested a jokey one, it was like:
>I always imagined this moment in the shower, and right now that I'm here, I gotta tell ya, it's not the same thing. I think it's because I'm not naked.
And then the usual thanks and stuff.

Honestly, I'd do it normally and throw a "and I'd like to thank Sup Forums and Sup Forums, you are all big guys for me" or some meme shit in the end

ahem,*5 minutes of autistic screeching*

Thanks for the award kiddo's, *tips fedora while awkwardly stumbling off stage*.

Thanks for the bit of brass, alright

FUCK ACT
FUCK DIRECT
DEDICATED TO NO ONE
THANKS TO NO ONE
ART IS OVER

Face the facts, NIGGERS, your race are a failed race because you're a feckless, unruly, uncivilized horde of feral proto-humans. You never figured out how to live in a society bigger than one or two squabbling families. Abstract thought and problem- solving have never been the black man's strengths, have they? Did they invent a long-lived and intellectually coherent religion? Nope. Did they ever build a city? Nope. Did they even invent bricks? The reason there's no Stonehenge in Africa is because it took more than 20 people to move the slabs of rock - clearly a non-starter in Africa, where assembling more than 20 niggers normally results in a war.

Women and minorities are great. Trump is evil.

fpbp

HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US
HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US
HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US
HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US
HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US
HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US

fpbp

go full Ranicki and decline the award followed by a stuttered speech about how hollywood has gone to shit and a three minute autistic screech to overtone that music thats used to sweep you off the stage

>I'm a man of few words
I then leave

I only want to thank Allah

This is pretty cool, thanks senpai, also, he will not divide us

*gets sucker-punched and turned into a laughing stock halfway through the first sentence*

this oscar is mine

>*ahem*

>TODAY it seems to me providential that Fate should have chosen Braunau on the Inn as my birthplace. For this little town lies on the boundary between two German states which we of the younger generation at least have made it our life work to reunite by every means at our disposal. German-Austria must return to the great German mother country, and not because of any economic considerations. No, and again no: even if such a union were unimportant from an economic point of view; yes, even if it were harmful, it must nevertheless take place. One blood demands one Reich. Never will the German nation possess the moral right to engage in colonial politics until, at least, it embraces its own sons within a single state. Only when the Reich borders include the very last German, but can no longer guarantee his daily bread, will the moral right to acquire foreign soil arise from the distress of our own people. Their sword will become our plow, and from the tears of war the daily bread of future generations will grow. And so this little city on the border seems to me the symbol of a great mission. And in another respect as well, it looms as an admonition to the present day. More than a hundred years ago, this insignificant place had the distinction of being immortalized in the annals at least of German history, for it was the scene of a tragic catastrophe which gripped the entire German nation. At the time of our fatherland's deepest humiliation, Johannes Palm of Nuremberg, burgher, bookseller, uncompromising nationalist and French hater, died there for the Germany which he loved so passionately even in her misfortune. He had stubbornly refused to denounce his accomplices who were in fact his superiors. In thus he resembled Leo Schlageter. And like him, he was denounced to the French by a representative of his government An Augsburg police chief won this unenviable fame, thus furnishing an example for our modern German officials in Herr Severing's...

>"Thank you"
>proceed to awkwardly look for the exit

i'd hire some of Sup Forums's top writers to help me write the perfect baneposting oscar acceptance speech

JEWS ARE THE MOST POWERFUL RACE ON EARTH

I'm with Her and He will not divide us. I was so nervous about tonight, but my wife's son and bull told me "Oscars so white." So to finish up I can't accept this award because of my lack of melanin.

I'm going to auction this off on ebay and any money I make off it is being donated to the US Treasury. MAGA.

Also, Elizabeth Debicki is the hottest actress in Hollywood and you all know it

Spend the whole time pointing out Jews in the audience

*gets hanged*

I don't like crowds, and I hate being here. Can I go now?

TRAIN BY DAY, JOE ROGAN PODCAST BY NIGHT
ALL DAY

"You don't deserve awards simply for being black and whining a lot."

WE'RE IN THE PIPE FIVE BY FIVE

I hate niggers and jews but fuck Trump. Amy Adams, where are you? I'll see you in the alley after the show.

*BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPP*

Thank you. This means so much to me. The academy is filled with great people. The best. I know them, I see them day to day, and they're brilliant hardworking members of the academy. I think the media has been very unfair to them. Very dishonest. This is the time to heal the wounds of defeat. I'm calling for the support of Hidden Figures, Moonlight and La La Land, so that we can work together for the betterment of film. Thank you and god bless the academy of the united states of movies.

i.4cdn.org/gif/1485030010312.webm

FP
BP

>walk on stage
>don't say anything
>put Oscar in the middle of the stage
>personal assistant brings boombox
>push play
>Snaps' The Power starts to play
>take tie, shirt and vest off
>put tie around head as a headband
>start to do a karate kata around the Oscar
>finish with a huge KIAI
>take the Oscar and put the tie around his neck
>throw oscar in the crowd
>put vest on without the shirt
>walk out
>boombox and shirt are still on stage
>boobbox is now playing Leslie Gore's It's My Party

Guess my name. You have two choices:
Matthew McConaughey or Shia LaBeouf.

filename

> Not bringing a qt native o make the speech for you

Based Brando

youtube.com/watch?v=2QUacU0I4yU

>"Sacheen Littlefeather"
>native

o i am laffin

"Isis if you come to New York city and you try to blow anything up, i'm coming for you. Ye fuck ya isis niggas, fuck ya isis niggas. We from New York, i'm from Brooklyn, fuck isis. They killed my boy Biggie."

>showed her massive bush and tit implants in Playboy
>"activist"

"Thanks, fags."

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Also, hail Satan.

*ahem*

Chris Stuckmann has, as he would say, 'Stuckmannized' me twice in the past. On the first occasion, his wife was away at the Toronto film festival and he invited me over to watch the entire Nolan stretch of Batman films. Well, in Batman Begins, at the point where the Joffrey kid turns to Batman and tells him, "the other kids won't believe me", Chris paused the bluray and told me that the other kids wouldn't believe me either. He left the room, and when he returned he was wearing a poor imitation of Ryan Goslings outift in Drive and he proceeded to rape me for five minutes. He was constantly chattering about how it would only be 5 minutes and that there was no way it could go in or outside of that time. After the 5 minutes were up, I wiggled out from underneath him and ran crying from his house. He screamed after me that he, "didn't have wheels on his dick", whatever that meant. The second time happened a couple of weeks later, he invited me over to finish watching the movies. At the point in the aeroplane in TDKR, he again paused the film and left the room. When he returned, he was dressed as Bane, complete with fake muscles. He stood over me and asked me if he was a, "Big Guy". I realised i was dealing with a psychopath at this point so I told him I thought he was a big guy. He hit me across the face and asked, "But am i a Big Guy for you?”. He motioned towards his dick, which he constantly referred to as “Zod’s snapped neck”, and told me to tell it to Zod’s snapped neck. I told his penis that he was a big guy for me, and he flipped me over and started talking me from behind, constantly moaning in a crude imitation of Hardy's Bane. And he was a good friend.

Thank you all, and goodnight

"HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT!"

Also, fuck 2016

It was my privilege, thank you

i shouldn't laugh

Thank you for the prestigious award. I want to thank to thank the big man upstairs, jesus christ, the producers, the director, the wonderful cast, you were all amazing. I saw Ryan Gosling at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly. Thank you.

*thunderous applause*
*every black person stands up*
*Chris Pine sheds a tear*

>Not a vocaroo thread
Dropped

>tfw you will never give an acceptance speech about the perpetual struggle of true artists with vision in the commonplace commercial assembly-line of blockbusters
>tfw you will never condemn false-critic shills who spend their patron's money to advertise blockbusters
>tfw you will never lovingly thank all those people who helped you get there
>tfw you will never thank those filmmakers who came before you, the true masters who inspired you to pick up a camera and say "Action!"
>ywn deliver a quick call for people to come together and compromise to better society instead of demonizing eachother for our differences
>ywn praise an extremely-polarizing movie to the chagrin of more than half the audience, shouting boos and insults at you as you give them a shit-eating grin

Thanks.

youtube.com/watch?v=O0Q_nyjuEak

"Thank you all for this award, but it wouldn't have been possible without inspiration from Christopher Nolan's Plane Scene in The Dark Knight Rises."
I then invite Aidan Gillen and Tom Hardy on stage to reenact the scene.

The Oscars are going to be painful this year.

this remains the greatest speech

My sides des

Last year was already political as fuck. Can only get worse now. When Michael Moore got political in his 2003 it was controversial, today it's the norm

Kek, took my off-guard

>plays an atheist
>thanks god

what did he mean by this??

lololol

did Sup Forums went too far in recruiting the black race?

I'd say nothing, just shove the little gold man up my ass and waddle off stage.

Thank you, bye

That was the speech that made a million reddit fedoras that had watched True Detective cry out in terror

"Thanks" then proceed to walk off the stage and go home. The Oscars are fucking boring

Trying to get into the mindset of an atheist is only possible with the power of God

Really makes you think

Bei der diesjährigen Übergabe des ECHO in Köln kam es zu einem folgenschweren Eklat: Bernd Lauert, Sänger der Gruppe "Bernd und die Überlebenden des oberen Paläolithikums" nahm den Preis von Bela B. Felsenheimer, ex-Mitglied der Punkband "Die Ärzte", mit den Worten "Danke, du Drecksjude" an. Während Felsenheimer aufgrund der antisemitischen Äußerung Lauerts noch in Schockstarre verbliebt, wandte sich Lauert mit den Worten "Rassenkrieg jetzt! 1488! Vergast die Judenschweine!" an das entsetzte Publikum. Wider erwarten jedoch erhob sich der halbe Saal unter lautem Johlen und zeigte den Deutschen Gruß, was von Lauert erwidert wurde. Felsenheimer wurde von plötzlich auftauchenden Gestalten in schwarzer Kleidung trotz Gegenwehr hinter die Bühne gezerrt und bleibt verschwunden. In der folgenden Nacht wurden deutschlandweit 48 Synagogen von extremistischen Fans der Band entweiht oder angezündet. Gegen Morgen fuhren 27 vollbesetzte Züge der Bahn von Berlin aus Richtung Osten. Ziel: Unbekannt.

say nothing and just glare out into the audience at my actress waifus. the only sound is me panting into the mic

>Haha, wow, this statue is a big guy for me. Haha. Hi Sup Forums!

I'VE HAD A LOT OF COCAINE TONIGHT YEAH

>I want to thank the institution that gave Roman Polanski an oscar 15 years ago, and then giving several oscars to a film about exposing the catholic church raping young boys last year.
>But I must ask, what you did mean by this?

As a white cis gendered male, I refuse this oscar in solidarity with the persecuted minorities.

The fact that so many books still name the Beatles as "the greatest or most significant or most influential" rock band ever only tells you how far rock music still is from becoming a serious art. Jazz critics have long recognized that the greatest jazz musicians of all times are Duke Ellington and John Coltrane, who were not the most famous or richest or best sellers of their times, let alone of all times. Classical critics rank the highly controversial Beethoven over classical musicians who were highly popular in courts around Europe. Rock critics are still blinded by commercial success. The Beatles sold more than anyone else (not true, by the way), therefore they must have been the greatest. Jazz critics grow up listening to a lot of jazz music of the past, classical critics grow up listening to a lot of classical music of the past. Rock critics are often totally ignorant of the rock music of the past, they barely know the best sellers. No wonder they will think that the Beatles did anything worthy of being saved.

>I want to thank my mother, my brother, the people who co-created this movie, but above all else I want to thank everyone in this room for helping me achieve this dream... NOT!
Then I put on a backwards baseball cap, get on a skateboard and kickflip off the podium

The U.S.A. has no poets, no painters, no architects or composers of world stature. Whatever culture it has is borrowed from Europe. The land lacks its own language, culture, and civilization. It has borrowed everything, generally debasing it by Americanizing it, never improving it. Americanization is a kind of kitschification that gives every cultural value an American stamp, turning a mature language into slang, the waltz into jazz, a work of literature into a crime story.

According to official American statistics, there are 190 Protestant and 430 Catholic churches in New York, but 1000 synagogues. What else should one expect of a city with a Jewish mayor who recently attempted at a reception for foreign journalists to explain European problems in the jargon of the gangsters! The Jews have given their stamp not only to this city, but the whole of public life. The president is surrounded by Jewish advisors and his wife clears the way for her Jewish friends to enter the administration and war office. One feels the need to wash one’s hands after reading American newspapers. They are filled with intellectual filth, daily printing such stories as an announcement that a number of prisoners have formed “Fighters, Inc.,” and offered their services to the president. They were ready to fight in the ranks of the Allies against aggression. Mr. Roosevelt happily accepted their offer.

In any event, we prefer not to be buried in America. In the midst of the confusions of the day, we still have the ability to distinguish truth from falsehood and gold from floss. We are not impressed by American big talk and orgies of numbers. We know well enough that the trees do not grow as high as heaven on the other side of the Atlantic either. As far as God’s country goes, Europeans discovered it and give it life even today. Were it left to its own resources, it would soon return once more to desert and prairie, as wide and as empty as the souls of its people.

Thanks and fuck kikes.

That's just a glib facsimile of an online review

>did that guy actually cry?
what a crybaby

Y-you too

don't mean to greentext

Fuck, was just about to post this

It's the greatest online review of all time, pleb.

>This old article by Piero Scaruffi has won several international awards as the most professional analysis of the career of pop group the Beatles ever written. While the interests of the author have long left popular music behind, the vast success of the article makes him believe it should continue to be posted here. Feel free to duplicate on your websites. For a list of his favorite music, the "essentials", click here (and then scroll down in that page for the best of rock music). And thank you for all the recognition.

Thank you
*walks off stage*

>First of all I'd like to thank God-
*get booed off stage*

unironically this

>Sup Forums
This is clearly before your time, child.

Well it was my pleasure thank you

"I would like to thank the academy,
but i will give it back to you.......the people."

>yeah, cry white boi
Every time.

this wall minds me of "jhey gusys so they did this and they did that and they did that and they did that and they did this and thehy did ;thhhattt lmao"

minds me off poop!!! ;) ;) ;)

Gas the kikes, race war right now at this very moment.

Yeahhhhhh boiiiiiii! Shit post all around!