Spin the cinema-wheel

>spin the cinema-wheel
>hope I finally get to see La La Land
>it lands on the manual labor option
>forced to spend the rest of the week working the popcorn mines
13 people died last week after an entrance collapsed.

Awkward cinema experiences general?

>be me
>in theater
>watching final scene of drive
>a real hero starts playing
>the driver blinks
>suddenly a wave of euphoria rushes over me
>I reach to pop the collar on my scorpion jacket
>I realize that I haven't bought one yet because I didn't know about it until watching this film which isn't over yet
>wait until the the very last frame of the credits before leaving the cinema, which is standard patrician viewing procedure
>head out to the snacks counter
>qt and fat dude serving
>start sweating
>avoid qt and go up to fat dude
>ask for a couple of crabs legs to tape onto the back of my white polo
>he shakes his head and shoots me the look that the kids at school usually give me
>feel sick fury build deep from within my stomach
>go out to parking lot
>wait hours for his shift to be over, nearly pass out
>he finally heads over to his car
>it's a Chevy Impala
>the most popular car in the state of California
>no one will be looking at him
>or so he thinks
>wait until he gets in
>leap onto roof
>pull pants down
>try to unleash epic seafood turd
>forgot about the jumbo two liter coke consumed whilst watching the movie
>start pissing uncontrollably
>cargo shorts are completely drenched
>he starts the car
>tumble backwards off the roof
>land on my neck
>can't feel my body anymore
>bowels release themselves loudly
>onlooker runs up to me
>"What the fuck are you okay?"
>look her in the eye
>stare intensely whilst smirking in a cool way
>"I guess there truly are no clean getaways"

dumb frogposter

This was probably a lot funnier in your head.

>>spin the cinema-wheel

>>it lands on the manual labor option
>>forced to spend the rest of the week working the popcorn mines
WTF I got sentenced 3 years on the Wheel of Pain for the same spin
Fuck you dude

>drive-in cinema has a drive-by shooter

Be nice man

Shut up about complaining about the conditions in popcorn mines. It's because of people like you the Jew ACLU lawyers got involved in the 90's to protect workers "rights" causing popcorn prices to skyrocket to the price they are today.

>Girls in the seats next to me keep chatting
>Can't pay attention to the storyline
>Fail the exam in the middle of the movie
>Have to watch the same movie again next friday

>going to the cinema
>first time in a long time
>step though the door and onto the conveyor belt
>shit's so slow people are complaining
>apparently the maintenance is long past due to financial difficulties
>everyone gets an extra crabstick for free as a consolation
>my time at the food panel
>I choose a bag of popcorn and a coke
>confirm selection with a scan of my knee
>moments later my order falls down from a tube in the ceiling
>just in time before the belt went past
>finally the conveyor belt goes into the viewing room
>trying to stand on my toes so that I can see the screen
>people try jumping despite it being illegal
>even a stepladder is use
>guy to my left jumped and got busted and picked up by the crane
>wider space for me to stand on
>half through the movie I notice myself and the others shivering
>look to the side
>notice that the man operating the woodstove is gone
>have to step off the belt to keep the fire going
>got to be quick so my good spot at the front doesn't roll away
>must be careful because the belt is in constant motion
>nearly crush my head in some cogs because I slipped on some spilled oil on the floor
>eventually make it there
>notice that there are no more wood left in the basket
>make my way to the wood room to fetch some more
>stealthily step over the gap in the floor which was put in to stop the wood thieves
>suddenly I trip on a wire and a plow shoots from the opposite wall pushing me into a tube
>they had installed a secondary trap
>realise that I won't be seeing the end of the movie now
>sit down in the pitch dark and begin imagining the rest of the move to myself

>This was probably a lot funnier in your head.
This was probably a lot funnier in your head.

>blogposting


.......

he's right you know

>Movie is about to start
>Usher greets audience
>"Look to your left"
>"Now look to your right"
>"because when this movie ends one of you will not be here anymore"

>visit local cinema
>pass the obstacle course, the penis inspection and the crab leg eating contest with flying colors
>get to my seat
>after 3 hours of commercials, trailer, circus shows and trained falcon dance numbers the gong is finally hit
>movie starts
>it's not a movie
>the screen is showing a thread on Sup Forums
>it's a thread with greentexts about cinema visits
>the screen scrolls down slow enough for everyone in the audience to read every story
>I recognize these stories
>i-it's it's THIS thread
>I'm confused and scared
>wtf is going on?
>start sweating
>heart beating faster
>feels like my head is going to expl

>cinescooter is in the shop, have to get a rental
>it's the one with the wobbly front wheel that veers into other peoples lanes constantly
>try to apologise, overcompensate and accidentally drop right into the kinospinner
>scooter gets jammed between manual labour and Hacksaw Ridge, stuck on autopilot and I can't throttle it back
>ringmaster is on his smoke break, stuck for 30 minutes constantly looping as a crowd gathers to throw popcorn kernels and spent cartridges at me
>ringmaster finally comes back and shuts down the kinospinner, fall out and vomit over the lanes
>12 month ban from all flickoramas for me and my entire close family

>be bong
>the kinoval has rolled into town
>the village execution square is full of flags and people are wearing their finest embroidered codpieces
>mine has the face of benedict cumberbatch (to get the nerd gash)
>the kinoval ringmaster and the mayor step up to the lectern
>both give impassioned speeches about the glory of the empire and how europe wont ever see kino again once brexit happens
>spend 2 hours in queue for penis inspection behind bully from school
>he keeps kicking my codpiece when im not looking
>mayor sees the now deformed face of benedict and shakes his head
>lifts up codpiece with a pencil
>sees union jack shaved into pubes and declares me the most patriotic
>chooses me to be the kino sacrifice
>step into lion pit while la la land starts
>lions tear stomach open
>too engrossed in ryan gosling and emma stones impeccable acting to notice
>have to wait 3 years for the kinoval to come round these parts again

>watching the newest cape flick at local cinema
>the movie ends
>the designated redditors steps out from behind the screen
>"we hope you paid attention cause here comes the test" they say as they tip their fedoras
>they lock the doors
>everyone in the audience must take a test and pass it to be let out
>you are supposed to write an essay on the movie's deeper meaning
>the ones who fails the test are the ones who do not "get" the movie and are sent to the mines
>I write that it was not only about good vs evil and dudes in costumes, but about mankind's eternal struggle to find meaning with existence and how there were metaphors througout the movie to greek mythology
>get an A+

As someone from the UK, can someone explain why Americans have falcons in their theaters? They're so loud, why not just use owls like the rest of the civilised world?

>tfw your designated mummy has ugly feet
The only time I ever walked out
I'd rather take the chemical castration penalty than spend 72 minutes looking at ugly feet while being fed milkies

>spin cinewheel backwards to impress this 12 year old girl in line behind me with her family
>give her a look over my shoulder as I do it
>wheel jams and sirens start blaring
>shutters close off the entrance
>door opens behind kiosk and cinemarshalls pour out
>start tazering me and beating me with batons
>beg little girl for help
>marshalls take this to mean we are together and tazer her
>start brutalizing the family
>get so engrossed in them they forget about me
>get up and spin the wheel
>Hacksaw Ridge
>fuck yeah
>heard from a friend that works at the cinema that the father never walked again

...

Americans often go to the Cinema at night, whereas Europeans go during the day.

It's best to have birds that will be asleep during these peake times so you can look at them, but not have them interrupt the movie. Hence the American preference for Falcons, and Europe's love of Owls.

kek

>that time Chad slipped some ground up caffeine pills into your owl feed and it spent the entirety of Satantango screeching and freaking the fuck out

Americans are plebs, they have hawks in theaters instead of superior falcons.

It's an allusion not a metaphor nigga.

>go to theatre
>pay for tickets to see "La La Land"
>sit on aisle seat
>sniff everyone's butts as they walk past me
>mumble things like "mmmm exquisite" when I sniff attractive girl's butts
>get kicked out halfway through for masturbating

Fucking Cineworld

Yikes

>go to cinema
>buy myself a ticket for the premiere of a movie
>buy a bucket of crab legs and a coke
>look at ticket and see that I'm second to top on the green/white striped rope
>make my way down the long pitch dark hallway
>it gets narrower and narrower as I go further in
>can't see anything at this point
>I carry on
>eventually I have to sidestep to get through
>I end up in a small and dimly lit room with a giant rusted bunker door infront of me
>can't even budge it
>have to wait for more people to help me open it
>it took us five people to get it open
>as we open it steam comes out
>go inside
>it's hard to see as the screen is the only thing lighting up the room
>the steam is coming through the grates in the floor
>I look through one of them but I can't see the bottom, only darkness
>I eventually find my rope and look up
>person already there
>great, do not have to wait for him
>climb up to my spot
>the ropes are quickly filled
>we shout for the movie to start
>fifteen minutes in the kid above me slips down
>I lower myself a bit to not get hit
>he climbs back up, so do I
>this goes on for about ten minutes
>can't take it anymore so I hit him with a crab leg
>he climbs back up, apologizes and stays there
>finally I can focus on the movie
>I'm sweating alot at this point
>the steam is so hot and damp that holding on to the rope is hard
>people are complaining, some are yelling for someone to turn on the air conditioning
>one man at the bottom of a nearby rope can't take it anymore

1/2

>he runs to the switch on the wall but as he touches it he lights up as he's being electrocuted
>he forgot to put on the insulated gloves hanging beside it
>his lifeless body falls to the floor as one of the tiles tilts towards the wall
>the wall opens up and shuts as the body rolls through
>people continue watching the movie despite being uncomfortable hot
>it's so hot that I can't think straight anymore
>starting to hallucinate, but I snap out of it
>a while later a guy at the top of a rope next to me faints
>he falls and sends everyone on the rope down onto the grate below them
>the grate breaks apart and they vanishes into the darkness
>silence ensues before being met with growling coming from the depths below
>must be the crawling creatures that's being rumoured around
>try my best to ignore it and pay attention to the movie
>movie goes on for what seems like hours
>I look at my watch but it has stopped
>guess I should have bought a waterproof one as my sweat has got into it
>I ask the guy behind me for the time but he stares at me with a pale white emotionless face
>must have gone mad from the heat I think for myself as I turn around and continue watching the movie
>the credits finally start rolling
>we all climb down our ropes
>the kid above me falls down the last metres, but he's okay
>I congratulate him for managing to hold on for so long
>we make our way to the door
>two guys try to pull the lever to unlock it
>it won't budge
>a third person joins in and it snaps
>we look at eachother for a moment
>we bang on the door for someone on the outside to open it
>nothing happens
>a guy from the back pushes his way to the front
>he grabs the handle out of the hand of one of the guys
>desperately trying to reattach it to the door, but to no avail
>he screams in terror as he hurdles towards the broken grate and dives down
>behind us the credits are coming to an end
>we quickly find ourselves in complete darkness as the final credit goes off the screen
2/2

Checked

>win at rock paper scissors with theater clown
>la la land available
>go double or nothing
>lose
>escorted out

This thread is embarrassing

A cinema wheel? With La La Land on it? Wheel of the Worst?

Our Lord Satan is with you

>go to the cinema
>stand behind a couple in the line for the tickets
>"We would like two ticke-"
>"Could you repeat that, please?"
>"S-sure, we woul-"
>"I'm sorry, it's opposite day and thus No Couple Policy is in effect"
>they get shot on the spot and carried away
>it's my turn and I tell the ticket lady that I'm by myself
>inside, after passing the various test, I find the restrooms
>I walk inside and locate the third faucet from the left
>look around to make sure that I'm alone
>half a turn of cold and a quarter of hot
>crab legs comes out
>my accomplice hid them there for me because of the food ban
>quickly hide them in my pocket
>go back in the hallway and head for the screening room
>I'm making sure not to step on any of the red exploding unawareness tiles
>inside I find my seat and sit down
>movie starts
>half an hour passes
>the ceiling fan breaks loose and decapitates the people directly below it
>blood hits the screen and covers up half of it
>sigh for myself as this is the third time this week it has happened
>no point in watching any further so I just play on my phone for the remainder of the movie

666 isn't the number of the beast.

love these r/Sup Forums threads!

>go to Australian cinema
>order spider legs for myself and some petrol for my Abo
>we queue up for the mandatory weapons check
>weapons inspector puts his hand in my pocket
>"Wots this then, cunt?"
>crikey
>forget to take bottle opener off of key chain
>bottle openers are classified as Type II Dangerous Weapons
>inspector sics the cinema dingo on me
>dingo drags me into croc pit
>beg my Abo to help me
>he just stares and asks me for a ciggy
>croc sinks its teeth into my leg
>black out as Land Down Under begins playing on the cinema speakers

>>This was probably a lot funnier in your head.
>This was probably a lot funnier in your head.

this was probably a lot funnier in your head

Thank you, user.

>go to local kínoráma
>buy a ticket for Avengers: Rise of the Vulva for 74,99$
>the cashier leans over the counter handing me the ticket and a polymer-framed, short recoil-operated, locked-breech semi-automatic Glock pistol
>the ticket says "Congratulations, today you're the designated cinema shooter, have fun operating!"
>I nod at the cashier, she nods back
>Sit on the far left near the first row
>wait for the ads and goat sacrifices to pass
>opening credits finally start
>I immediately get up and shoot up the whole row
>whole theater get's up in excitement and start clapping and cheering as I reload
>I proceed to shoot up the whole theater with a tear in my eye, trying my hardest not to make anyone feel ignored
>the kids birthday section were visibly the most excited
>as I finish the cinema staff comes in congratulating and sweeping the spilled popcorn and blood
>they even let me keep the Glock
>manager even sends me a thank you card at my home for the good work

Best 74,99$ ever spent.

kek'd and check'd

META
E
T
A

>>>This was probably a lot funnier in your head.
>>This was probably a lot funnier in your head.
>this was probably a lot funnier in your head
This was probably a lot funnier in your head.

wew lad