>go to cinema to see hacksaw ridge
>ticket jockey tells me my kino license has expired
>need to pay them $56 and write a ten page essay about why Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: Road Chip was the best film of the trilogy
>turn in the essay and barely pass, now I have to take my film watching test
>have to watch the entire star wars prequel trilogy and then reenact it in front of a panel of judges
>just barely survive the reenactment, almost beef the amadala parts
>get my kino license and take it to the ticket booth triumphantly
>"one ticket for hacksaw ridge please!"
>"you have to go through the penis inspection first, sir"
>i have been jelqing my penis so i pass this inspection easily
>"may I see your kino license?"
>I hand him my license
>"sir, this isn't a kino license, this is a flick license, I'm afraid all you're permitted to see is Bye Bye Man. We're going to have to detain you for attempting to see kino with insufficient clearance"
>cinema security sneaks up and tazes me in the neck
>get dragged off to the holding cell for three days
Go to cinema to see hacksaw ridge
>go to the cinema to see La La Land
>go to the ticket booth
>hand cashier money
>go inside
>wait in line
>give ticket and 20$ to second ticket booth
>get popcorn tickets
>go down the hallway
>wait in line
>give popcorn tickets and 30$ to the cashier
>find the ticket that's hidden in the bottom of the popcorn
>go outside to the first booth
>spend ticket and money to get a bathroom pass
>go back inside
>wait in bathroom line
>hand SWAT officer my bathroom ticket and credit card
>go into stall
>take drug test
>get ticket printed out
>show it the the SWAT officer
>he gives me my cinema whistle
>go to bus stop
>sound whistle
>the cinema bus arrives
>give driver ticket
>be blindfolded
>they staple a tag to my ear for identification
>he drives me to the secret location of the kino
>get transported inside
>unblindfolded now sitting in the recliner in front of the big screen
>watch the movie
>it's shit
>go to the cinema to watch the new kino: avengers 5: revenge of adam west's batman
>big warning sign: no single policy
>wait in the line
>everyone in the line is with someone, except me
>more people joining the line
>they see that i am alone
>they begin pushing and tripping me
>im on the ground helpless, they all jump in and fuck me up
>i crawl to the ticket booth
>cashier looks down at my crippled body and asks where my girlfriend is
>s-she i-is w-waiting i-inside
>show her a women purse that i brought with me to fool her
>mmm ok. that will be $60 to enter the cinema, $40 for a seat and $70 for the penis inspection
>pay her
>4 guys in hazmat suits show up
>they bring me to a concealed area for the penis inspection
>i pass the inspection
>enter the movie
>1 seat left, everyone looks at me as i walk to my seat
>the movie begins
>wtf this is not avengers 5
>its footage of the worst moments of my life
>everyone is laughing and having the time of their lives
>as i begin to stand up to leave, the designated shooter arrives
>everyone begins to cheer and clap at the shooter
>the shooter fires his fully automatic M4 but it jams
>he doenst know how to unjam the gun
>he leaves the theater
>everyone in the theater begins to get angry and furious
>they unleash their anger on me
>i make a run for the emergency exit
>SWAT officers were waiting for me
>they blow my legs off with frag-12 ammo
>i lay there on the floor without legs
>they taze me even though im helpless without legs
>they cuff me as well
>they bring me to a dungeon and put me in a cell
>get set free after 2 years
> At the cinema buffet
> Swiping card to pay for my meal
> Card is being declined
> Tell cashier I need to go the ATM inside the showers
> She refuses to let the drawbridge down until I pay
Luckily enough, the guy behind me saw my predicament and paid for my meal.
hahaha! love r/Sup Forums threads
Was this sarcastic post kino?
>go to kinosseum
>brand new gong
>passed penis inspection
>online coupon for falcon chow
>singles only week
>popcorn license just got renewed
>shooter doesn't miss a target
>gave gondola escort a juicy tip
It isn't that hard guys, what's the point of these threads?
guys, i just read ''a falcon for an anvil - a kinoman's journey''. what did i think of it.
IT WAS KINO user. PRETTY KINO I'D SAY. YEAH, YOU THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY KINO.
>6AM cinema police bursts through my door
>2 officers drag me out of my apartment and throw me into the back of a van
>officer asks me why I missed yesterdays Bye Bye man screening
>tell him the movie fucking sucks
>get punched and tasered
>wake up in cinema watching bye bye man
>its dubbed in russian or some shit пoкa пoкa мyжчинa!
>when I close eyes for longer than 2 seconds somebody slaps me
>get 3000 dollar fine 2000 for not attending and 1000 for watching later
>bye bye man fucking sucks
>Go to local Cinema
>cashiers falcon looks sickly
>missing feathers, dead fish eyes
>cashier doesn't look much healthier
>no GF, no friends
>let's me in without 3 years in the mines
>"it doesn't matter anymore"
>go in
>waiter brings everyone everything on the menu
>"Don't worry about paying, it doesn't matter anymore"
>film starts after only a few mintues of ads
>Manger explain over PA system
>"It doesn't matter anymore"
>half way through shooter gets up
>doesn't start shooting
>instead sobs uncontrollably
>shoots himself
>everyone starts sobbing
>tears flood the cinema
>massive water damage
>building owner isn't mad
>"It doesn't matter anymore"
TFW my local Alamo Drafthouse is shutting down
>go to local kínoráma
>buy a ticket for Avengers: Rise of the Vulva for 74,99$
>the cashier leans over the counter handing me the ticket and a polymer-framed, short recoil-operated, locked-breech semi-automatic Glock pistol
>the ticket says "Congratulations, today you're the designated cinema shooter, have fun operating!"
>I nod at the cashier, she nods back
>Sit on the far left near the first row
>wait for the ads and goat sacrifices to pass
>opening credits finally start
>I immediately get up and shoot up the whole row
>whole theater get's up in excitement and start clapping and cheering as I reload
>I proceed to shoot up the whole theater with a tear in my eye, trying my hardest not to make anyone feel ignored
>the kids birthday section were visibly the most excited
>as I finish the cinema staff comes in congratulating and sweeping the spilled popcorn and blood
>they even let me keep the Glock
>manager even sends me a thank you card at my home for the good work
Best 74,99$ ever spent.
These threads are really something else
>go to movie theater
>buy a tickets for Hidden Figures
>go inside
>buy popcorn
>get my ticket ripped
>go down the hall to the left
>enter the theater room
>fill the IV solution bag with Mr. Pibb
>climb into the sensory deprivation tank
>get drenched in neurofluid
>drift out of consciousness as the kino waves are radiated directly into my mind
>the film begins
>2 hours pass
>the flick ends
>but then it starts up again
>can't wake up
>the kino machine malfunctioned
>panic
>Hidden Figures keeps playing over and over again until I simply stop thinking
>finally ejected from tank
>realize thirty years have passed
Fucking waste of money.
name 1 cinema that does this
The Pentagon
>go to movie theater
>sit down in seat
>the lights dim
>movie is about to begin
>John Oliver appears on screen
>"Soo... Donald Trump ehh?"
>the audience erupts into laughter
>soft looking kid stands up and shouts "fuck Trump and fuck white people!"
>audience cheers
>George Soros's giant sinister face fills the screen
>"my children" he rumbles
>"there is a white male among you" he booms
>the audience gasps
>"Row G. Seat 23."
>spotlight blinds me
>feel sharp blow on back of head
And that's how I ended up on Epstein's Island folks
Ask a man that just got out of cinema prison anything
>go to local kinoplex to see dark avengers return
>see "no singles" sign
>guards armed with full auto mosin nagants
>sneak in the back entrance when a group of teenagers is leaving
>duck behind the falcon chow as a guard passes
>commando crawl under the crab leg buffet past 3 more guards
>throw my last quarter to distract the penis inspection guards and slip past
>disable virgin detector and slip into the theater
>crawl under a seat to avoid the pressure sensors
>movie starts
>2 hours of previews later and the designated shooter shows up
>nails everyone but me since I'm hiding
>shooter leaves and I hear the doors being locked
>the corpse furnace starts up
>pile dead bodies on top of me and pray I survive
>the incineration cycle complete, ushers come in to sweep up the ashes
>I'm caught and thrown in the pit of unspeakable suffering
>it's acually not that bad
>i serve my 10 years like a man and am finally released
>hit by a bus on my way home and pronounced dead on the scene
Fucking Gamestop
If you're dead than how could you type this? Fucking liar.
Fuck, you got me.
My dad recently got 10 years of Bye bye Man at the local Supermax because he didn't attend the mandatory screening, what were you in for buddy?
My local Alamo Drafthouse, why do you think it's going out of business?
>government-assigned girlfriend and I go to see Avengers 20: The Milk Devil
>Tickets are $99 each (you already know this)
>Fucking forgot that it was Falcon Friday
>had to put my hawk and her parakeet in kennels. $60 an hour and the runtime was 40 hours
>Rent two hawks for $85/hour the guy says we get a third free, why not right?
>I get a small 5 gallon bucket of popcorn for $245 and they throw in 16 liters of no pulp orange juice for 50 cents
>girlfriend gets the small popcorn, a bathtub of sour skittles, and the orange juice. when the Bane clones aren't looking she dumps out her popcorn and fills the 5 gallon vat with just butter (holy shit she's so smart that's why I love her)
>pay an extra $12 each to get greased up so we can get through the door easier
>Juan-Jamal is the grease-boy today, thank god
>pay him an extra $50 to fuck my girlfriend so I can write off this kino visit on my taxes
>we get in and find our seats, pay another $100 for the blowjob machine
>sit through 10 hours of previews, one of which is an entire episode of The Big Bang Theory with all the jokes removed (which is still 41 minutes somehow)
>about halfway through the movie the lights come on and the billiards tournament starts
>girlfriend and I come in second place so the designated shooter only yells at us
>toward the end of the movie I am injected with Viagra so I know the government-mandated POV sex scene is coming up
>Scarlet Johannsen suddenly turns around and takes out her 80-year-old tits and starts sucking a dick
>switch on my blowjob machine and start fingering my girlfriend
>get free crab legs for being the first person in the theater to cum
>rental hawks see my crab legs and go fucking ballistic fighting over them
>knock over my orange juice onto the guy in front of me
>sharp shooters take them out and I am removed from the theater
>probably my best experience at AMC
>movie ends
>men and woman get seperated on their way out
>men have to use a special device mounted to the wall that removes the dickcheese
>have to wait in line
>line is like 200 dudes and i'm #167
>finally reach the machine after waiting for 3 hours
>put dick in it
>accidentally my foreskins and movie man has to help me get out of there
>get so much dickcheese removed that I can see the next 3 movies for free
Best one
no
Imagine trying THIS hard
Imagine being THIS hard
*whips out my 3 inch destroyer*
>Implying hacksaw ridge was kino
Nobody does good war movies anymore because there has to be some chick driven lovestory side plot for the film to appeal to everyone. Fuck modern war films with a few exceptions. Hacksaw was not one of those exceptions
>write this kino visit off on my taxes
Lel
>go to the cinema to see Arrival
>before it starts they have movie trivia on the screen
>as a dedicated kinoisseur I've been here before and know all the answers
>yell them out as quickly as I can
>nobody else is getting into it
>I want some competition
>go down to the front and try to get people excited for trivia
>clapping my hands, singing songs (anime OPs mostly)
>designated shooter shoots me for blocking the screen
>have to spend three weeks recuperating in the theater infirmary
I don't think that happened. I don't think any of that actually happened.
wow
>consider going to see Hidden Figures 2: Math Is Hard
>read about 2017 theatre experiences on Sup Forums
>don't believe a word of it
>arrive at theatre
>have to pay 2x price because of No Singles
>flunk genital inspection
>spaghetti falls out of every pocket of my cargo pants
>get shot
>maybe Sup Forums isn't making this up
>go to nearby kinoplex to see xXx: return of xander cage
>hand ticket greeter my ticket
>"and wheres your date, sir?"
>hand him my free voucher for one singles night
>"im the designated driver for the couple in front of me"
>he bought it
>walk to the concessions stand
>give them the first of three $39.99 payments
>move to the end of the popcorn trough
>realize i forgot to bring my kneepads
>ask for the rentals, but there are none my size
>begrudgingly pay another 29.99 for a xXx themed feeding muzzle and fill it with popcorn
>finally make my way over to the theater
>he bought it
For how much?
>put my shoes and keys in the tsa bin and walk through the metal detector
>usher hands me my belongings on the other side "good day sir"
>make my way over to row 10 seat 13 and finally sit down
>realize im in the smoking section by mistake
>have to awkwardly climb my way back over everyone
>ask an usher
>"we're so sorry, right this way sir"
>he brings me up to the top of the section and around the back to the other side
>walk down a few rows
>"heres your seat sir, 5 seats in"
>climb over a few people and sit down
>realize im in the same seat as before
>usher is talking to the theatre shooter and pointing at me
>put on the feeding muzzle and direct my attention to the screen
>go to visit friend in the UK
>decide to go to the local theater
>all American made movies playing with all American actors
>so much for British culture
>before kino airs, PSA comes on telling all kino goers to face Mecca and begin daily prayer to Allah
>entire audience except me bows and begins prayer
>friend is frantically tugging on my pants practically begging me to get down an pray
>tell him no, I'm American and only bow before my American God, not some heathen false deity
>Queen's guard bursts in and arrest me for being intolerant towards other cultures
>as I'm in the dungeons they search my hotel room for dangerous weapons like spoons
>a tooth brush is found
>never having seen one before the Brits assume it's a magic wand
>get put on a train to Azkaban with other criminal "wizards"
>train doesn't go anywhere, just crashes off cliff into the ocean
>use my superior American genetics to swim home
>mfw
Horrible. You completely missed the point of these threads. You seem like a kid who just came from Sup Forums and is looking for some epic "banter"
>be me
>be a virgin
>go to local flickema
>have 30 crab legs tucked in my shorts
>somehow pass mandatory penis inspection in hte "weird parts" inspection quota
>go to buy a ticket
>the only movies available are G-rated and the only K-rated movie is Avatar
>go to watch 30 minutes of blue colored jungle bikini girls
>forget about the designated shooting and head out before it starts to buy some more crab legs
>mfw they don't have sloth fur sauce with the crab legs, heresy.
>come back to find half the flickema glaring at me
>kicked out for disobidience and fined $200
It wasn't as bad as it could have been.
...
this
t. butthurt brits
>be I
>get into cinema free
>everyone's eagles sit on my shoulders and bring me crab legs
>even dip them in cinnamon for me
>hit the designated shooter with a hatchet and he has to give me his milk
>get a free jack off from the jack off lady because I scored so high on penis inspection
>Steven Spielberg personally comes to the theater to thank me for watching his kino
>reply "it was all right"
>he kills himself
>feels good to be I
>>be I
goddamn, the edge
>tfw my copy is covered in crabs legs juice and penis inspection fluid
All the amc theatres I've been to have this exact procedure
ROAD CHIP WAS ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS 4 NOT 2 YOU FUCKING FAGGOT 2 WAS THE SQUEAKWEL
Most Regal's too, though some of them aren't large enough for penis inspection or showers. Shit, some of them don't even have tennis courts if you're in the ghetto.
They haven't replaced the carpet since 1995, but damn if they don't keep up on the latest security measures.
reeee.
tfw alvin and the chipmunks turned me into a furry when i watched it and i deluded myself that the chipmuks were real for a few days and I realyl realyl really really wanted them to by my friends
MOAR
best fucking feel bro
>you will never watch the movie from up in the guard tower
>tfw never been able to avoid NSP
make it stop!