Be me American

>Be me American
>forget to clap at the end of a film
>now on my final warning

one week in the cuckmines isn't that much you fucking pussy

>never clap
>usually get away with it
>got caught for the 3rd and final time
>posting from the popcorn mine on my snack break

>everyone at my local cineplex has gotten too good at clapping
>popcorn stock is running dangerously low
>now they pause the movie whenever a character gets shot, salutes the flag, farts, or claps
>call it "freedom clapping," no warnings, instant mine duty if you mess up or clap after they resume the movie
>even the designated shooter has to clap if they pause in the middle of his spree

i dont even want to go back anymore bros

>forgot to bring my personal colt ar-15
>have to use the theater's loaner shrubmaster

>Be American
>go to theatre
>don't shoot up a theatre
>get another smiley face on my stamp card

bump

> Canadian
>Travel 85km to get to the kinorama
>Pay 25 maplenigger bucks for a ticket, some popcorn and bagged milk
>Fucking forgot my scissors to cut open the milk bag
>5 minutes into the movie we lose power
>Snow storm blocks the exits
>Theatre opens its baby seal pen
>Eskimo teaches us how to club
>Run out of seals to eat
>Start eating the Indians, Eskimos and minorities
>Take turns chugging syrup until we throw up
>Start a hockey game since the floors are slippery from seal/minority guts and thrown up maple syrup
>A month later we're finally able to leave when the snow melts

>accidentally clap before the movie's actually over
>movie security notice I'm there in violation of the no singles rule
>as if that wasn't bad enough it was penis inspection day again too

>be European
>go to cinema
>miss the call to prayer for the second time
>imam cuts off my pinkie finger for violating sharia law
>I'm not Islamic but there's nothing I can do, I'm in a Muslim controlled zone and my government is powerless here
>I have to keep coming to this theater because otherwise I have to pay a 65% refugee relocation tax
>come home
>put my hand on ice
>refugee that the government moved into my home complains about me taking his ice
>try explaining that water is plentiful and we can just make more
>he calls the police
>fined 500 euros for disrespecting his cultural heritage

>tfw trump reinstated Bush's pro clap laws

Found the mad America lol you're so mad

>watching WW2 movie in the cinema
>clap loudly and forcefully as american soldiers storm the beach of normandy
>theater guards look on in approval at my patriotism
>get too caught up in the moment and continue clapping
>realize too late that I'm clapping at a scene of Hitler inspecting a map
>cinema guards forcefully drag me away
>take me to an underground cell and slice off my left hand with a table saw
>once my stump is bandaged they take me back up to my seat in the theater
>everyone has been patiently waiting for me to return
>the movie resumes
>mfw I realize they still expect me to clap

>Be American
>Clap at end of movie
>War vets get their PTSD triggered and start shooting
>Blood and guts everywhere
>Ushers have to clean it up

>tfw consider getting a projector to get around all this
>look at a few on amazon
>next day 2 british police guys are knocking at my door with a warrant to see my home theater projector license.
I dont even live in bong land either, im on the run now.

>fail to clap at end of movie
>trump deports me

>be autistic
>clap at beginning of movie to save time when it ends

>forget to clap
>usher walks up to me to find out why
>goes ballistic because I snuck out of the No Singles Policy by saying I was waiting for my date
>banned for life

Pro tip: If you a book a seat in the aviary you're exempt from clapping since it scares all the birds. You can also keep an eye on your avian companion so it's worth it.

>Bought tickets for myself, my wife, her boyfriend, and her son in advance
>Cost $400
>They wouldn't let me in because I forgot to bring a gun

>go to the kinoplex
>watch the new Transformers movie
>clap furiously at most of the witty quips
>on roll
>haven't missed a single clap the entire movie
>can feel another witty quip coming
>my palms are itching with anticipation
>witty quip is dropped
>hands are in clap formation
>just before I clap a some kids falcon dive bombs on my chocolate coated cheeseburger popcorn
>miss my clap
>theater SWAT storms the room
>they flashbang and taser me
>now on my 3rd year of service for the Kinoplex PFC

yeah 'cause all the clapping people around you didn't remind you

>even the designated shooter has to clap if they pause in the middle of his spree

lol

>Kinoplex won't let me in because I'm white

>take the train to local AMC-Landmark-Empire 72 theater gigatower
>"that'll be 59.95 plus tip, buddy"
>my theatre is on the 34th floor
>tip the elevator bellhop a crisp blue fiver ($1.50 USD)
>forgot to get my maple caramel popcorn on the 22nd floor
>miss the first 45 minutes of commercials
>wait another hour for the film to start
>trudeau-bots swarm the theater searching for any womxn without a Sensi-Cover™ modesty covering
>false positive again, I'm clearly wearing my niburqab
>2 weeks in the maple mines

>Be American
>pay 6$ for reserved matinee seating
>feels superb my man

What the fuck is this

>be American
>go to theater
>watch movie
>movie ends
>leave theater

>Go to movie with brothers
>Fuck up the claw machine
>Have to pay 200$ dollars for ruining the experience
>Get popcorn, get settled in seat, put on 3d glasses
>Everyone watches the movie, all clapping at the right time
>I forget I have popcorn and on the third clap I smack my popcorn on the ground
>Disowned by brothers in public
>Mom calls me to tell me how much of a failure I am again
>Have to walk out while the movie is paused and everyone stares at me
>Forget to recycle 3d glasses
>Get banned for life

Quality bantz, lads

What other type of avians are allowed at your kinoplexes?

I don't want to have to buy a fucking falcon

some theaters let you bring sparrows but only as a snack for a larger bird like an eagle

>go to theater
>forget to take off shoes
>usher gives me seventeen lashes in the aisle while everyone laughs and throws popcorn at me

never again

>I don't want to have to buy a fucking falcon
>buy
>Doesn't have a THX certified nest already

Mine allows certain type of crustaceans but it's a pain in the ass to drag the tank there and someone ate my crab the last time I brought it

Don't you have a falconery next door you can hire from?

>be american
>watching TDKR
>watching plane scene
>weird dude comes into the theatre
>get shot

>this thread is still up
>my film thread gets deleted
BRAVO MODS AND JANNIES

1000x keks

Kek, I love when someone posts in retaliation but it's just all butthurt with no funny

>Oh my god reddit reddit reddit right guise xD
It deserved it.

>be American
>be fat
>get shot

>fat layers protect vital organs
>survive
>movie is made about you
>people watching movie get shot