Character sneezes

>character sneezes
>his whole body doesn't ache for 3 minutes afterwards

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>Character laughs
>Doesnt become paralyzed afterwords for at least 10 seconds

What?

Is this American humour or some shit?

I think it is old people humor.

>mc falls down
>hip isnt broken

>character coughs
>doesn't spit out off-white balls of plaque that smell like somebody else's shit mixed with death

>tfw you are attracted to that smell

>character doesn't go into opioid withdrawal when they abstain from pills for a day

So unrealistic

Ahh right. Let me try:

>character takes a piss
>doesn't die

Did I win?

>character wakes up
>doesn't have to shake their arm for five minutes to get the circulation going again

>character doesn't have 20 pounds of hard feces compacted against his sphincter

what the fuck guys go see a doctor

>character stubs toe
>hops up and down holding their foot rather than rolling on the floor in agony

>character masturbates to pics of his dead mom
>doesn't cry himself to sleep afterwards

>character coughs
>the coughing fit doesn't last for eighteen minutes and sound like a broken leaf blower half the time

>Character drinks caffeine
>Doesn't have to immediately masturbate to thoughts of his mom seeing his penis

>character wakes up
>no signs of despair and disappointment upon realizing they are still alive

>character takes a piss
>doesn't stand over the toilet for an extra five minutes trying to relax his piss muscles because he knows there's just a little tiny bit more in there that will leak out as soon as he zips back up

Should I get that checked out or is it just part of getting old?

>character in bed trying to fall asleep
>doesn't get constantly interrupted by a chronic existential crisis flooding his mind with thoughts about his own mortality and how time dilation is making every year feel exponentially shorter than the last
>character doesn't start freaking out in his dark bedroom when he realizes that the midpoint of his life was when he was 19 years old

I'm only 20 and this happens to me. Usually after I masturbate too.

Im 28 now but ive always had that, especially if i just wake up or have to piss really bad after holding it in.

>character doesn't have a happy life
>doesn't post in a gook board everyday gaining small bits of happiness from (You)s and all the while longing for a more adventurous life just like the ones he sees in his favorite movies and missing the warmth and touch of a loved one that he genuinely cares for

I've stopped fearing death as much because I'm slowly becoming convinced we live in a simulation or something. I know these are the thoughts of a crazy person, but I can't help myself from thinking about it.

>sneezed a few days ago
>instead it going up and out through my mouth and nose it felt like it just went sideways in my throat
>was in pain for hours

>character takes a piss in the toilet
>doesn't accidentally spray piss on the wall because of his foreskin haphazardly redirecting the stream
>doesn't just piss in the sink or shower

>character brushes their teeth
>their gums don't bleed for 20 minutes

>character eats a piece of cake
>doesn't immediately go into hypoglycemic shock needing to be rushed to the hospital
My suspension of disbelief only goes so far.

>character has all his limbs

>female character
>doesn't wear diapers

>male character has an orgasm
>legs and knees don't hurt for the next 10 minutes

Sink pissing changed my life

>female character
>flap over urethra doesn't sometimes fan the piss under the toilet seat spraying the back of her legs

>character doesn't unconsciously pluck out his pubes and toss them on the ground

immersion ruined

...

>Character sits down to eat dinner
>He doesn't spit chewed up food into the waitress' face for no reason instead

>character doesn't wipe after shitting to pick the dried bits of poo clinging to his ass pubes while watching power rangers on stream with his Sup Forums bros

what do they do, just stare at the wall all day?

>female character has sex
>doesn't get up and go to the toilet to wipe the cum dribbling from her vagina before falling asleep

Some people aren't literal cucks, user

>two characters having sex in a romantic scene
>not even ONE punch is thrown

Fucking liberal hollywood media...so out of touch.

>character doesn't immediately fall asleep after taking their cyproterone tablets
>character doesn't sleep naked so their tender nipples aren't rubbed by their shirt fabric

>character gets out of the shower
>the skin on the bottom of their feet doesn't start crumbling off

>character gets in shower
>it doesn't end in 15 minute epsom salt and mineral oil soak so that their legs will work the rest of the day

Is sink pissing an acceptable thing or should this be something that is never talked about if you don't want to out yourself as a freak?

Shower pissing is obviously extremely common so I'm wondering if this is too.

>character doesn't have a painfully hot 117 degree Fahrenheit shower
>character doesn't lotion after their skin gets all tight, itchy and dry
I'm 23 and look like I'm 13 because of this.

Can I get some sauce?

>Character sees old family member
>Immediately recognizes them and remembers them

>finds out three days later it was someone else entirely, but doesn't remember anything about the conversation

I want to sue whoever made this stimulation.

I am going to file up a lawsuit to that nigger when this whole shit blows over.

>lotioning your skin
>not just showering at night and sleeping through the dry pain

>character doesn't wake up with a cold leg. How is a healthy person like me supposed to relate to this bad writing?

You're not crazy. You're just lines of code.

>character needs a haircut
>doesn't delay for months for fear that the mole on their scalp has changed shape and color and the hair dresser will tell them to go to the doctor

>Character begins masturbating
>doesn't get massive pulsing headache at base of skull when nearing climax
I'm not shitting, this actually was happening to me for a few weeks a couple years ago, luckily it went away.

Use more wrist and less shoulder, also lean into the wank and wear extra padding.

>character posts on Sup Forums
>gets dubs

it's a trap
rule34.xxx/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=2035960

...

...

>character gets sudden tinnitus in his left ear
>doesn't suddenly feel the right side of his brain go numb followed by complete control of motor functions on the left side of his body
>character doesn't slump against the wall dragging his leg to the front door, crawling into the car and driving to the hospital only to suddenly feel fine halfway there, turning around to go home

>character doesn't stand up to fast causing his vision to go
>character doesn't hope his bus crashes on the way to work every morning

Completely unrelateable

could be mild prostatitis
its normal but you should get antibiotics for it

>character doesn't need to wash down a bunch of thai plant powder to not feel like shit every 4 hours
hahaha wow

>character doesn't take a shit once a week

my dick was once like a fucking sprinkler spraying in every direction but the toiler seat

haha you have failed

>Character scratches his leg
>doesn't stop and look at it
>doesn't sit there absentmindedly for the next ten minutes staring at it to find ingrown hairs to remove
It really takes me out of the movie, lads

>Character gets pain pill from the doctor
>Doesn't swallow 2/3 of the bottle in the car on the way home chasing it with an 8 dollar bottle of vodka
I refuse to believe people don't live like this

>character is puzzled and scratches his head
>doesn't spend the next 5 minutes digging out the dandruff from underneath his fingernails

>Actually realistic post

>character takes a shit
>doesn't spend the next five minutes digging into his asshole moaning sexually

So stupid

You exactly described the Grandfather's sideplot in Problem Child 2 minus the sport memorabilia.