You know the difference with me, Ray? Most people feel the rain, I just get wet

>You know the difference with me, Ray? Most people feel the rain, I just get wet.

So, what, the rain turns him on?

>"You know how they say 'its not the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean'? Well guess what, Rey? My dick is huge"

>Ray, I hope you're paying attention, because this case is compounding interest like my last bank deposit.

>Ray, this whole time Ive been standing still while the world spins 'round. Tonight? I'm gonna do the spinnin' and the world is gonna have to wait.

>It's a dog eat dog world, Ray, and I'm the fucking Chinaman

>they say you shouldn't count your eggs before they hatch, Ray
>but I've been barebacking your ex-wife for a year and she just called with some bad news

>goddamn russian like

...wow pizzalatte...just wow

>i once told a woman I was lost in her eyes. That was a lie, Ray. I've never been lost. Never even owned a fuckin map.

>Never do anything while you're hungry. Not even eat.

Cheater.

>Some people think the glass is half-full and some people think the glass is half-empty. What they don't know, is either way you gotta wash it and I'm all out of soap.

>"Punks like you are a dime a dozen but me? I'm a roll of nickels and nothing is gonna change that."

>"There's three types of people in this world Ray, people that can do the math, and people that can't."
>*holds up one finger

What did he mean by this?

>They you can't bake a cake without cracking some eggs, but I just killed the damn chicken

lmao jesus that was too perfect

>Always hated that turn of phrase, Ray, to be scared of your own shadow. Where I walk, the sun follows me at the fucking zenith.

...

>they say a stopped clock is right twice a day. What they don't tell you is idle hands are the devils playground and you're all outta time.

>They always say the grass is greener on the other side. Well guess what Ray, I'm color-blind.

>Ray, you don't have to tell me twice. But back in the stone age...

>you ever been to Rome, Ray? Heh. No? They say when in Rome do as the romans do. Thing is, I'm on Sup Forums and i don't see any patricians around

There are people who unironically thought this was good. lmao.

...

>"You give me one bullet and I kill two people Ray. But what you don't know Ray, is that one bullet is actually two if the mind believes it"

>You didn't just take the high road, Ray, you claimed it, made it yours. And now you're a deer in the headlights with nothing in your pockets.

>a frog in a pot will sit there and cook to death if you turn the heat up slow, Ray. But will jump if you turn the heat. I'm like that frog, Ray. Thing is, a watched pot never boils so how are you gonna know how slow to turn the heat up? It doesn't matter, Ray. Nothing you do matters because I've got a snorkel and a bucket of ice.

this is meta

>my grandfather used to tell me only a life lived for others is a life worth living. I've been doing that all my life, and you know what I've realized? Everyone is fucking dead.

>You win some and you loose some. Just make sure the next card you draw doesn't bring this house tumbling down.

...

>I heard somewhere else that mirrors can't be real if our eyes aren't real. Thing is, Ray. Real eyes realize real lies and I'm a goddamn blind man.

>they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unfortunate for me, I'm Johnny Appleseed and it's cider season.

>Fuckin Caspere

>They say that all the world's a stage, Ray. And all the men and women merely players. The problem is we all want to be the prima donna of the opera, but most of us just end up as the flat, boring characters of the mediocre second season of a television show.

n v m
v
m

> I never lose my keys. I don't even have a fuckin' key chain.

kek

>It's Thanksgiving dinner Ray, and the whole family is here. And I'm stuck at the fucking kids table. Casper knew this

>You know the old adage "When the goin' gets tough, the tough get goin'? Well I'm tough as nails, Ray, and I'm not goin' anywhere!

>The world doesn't revolve around you Ray, that's why I'm here.

>They told me to get off my high horse, Ray, but I rode in on a fuckin' donkey, just to make an ass of myself.

Heavy shieeeet

Ray. I love you.

>they say one is the loneliest number you could ever do, Ray. But 2? It can be as bad as one because it's the loneliest number after number 1.

>Time is a flat circle. Caspere knew this.

>they say if you lay down with dogs you'll wake up scratching. Thing is ray, I'm the dog catcher and I'm up to my ass in poison ivy.

>You know what the problem is, Ray? Everyone wants the quick buck. I'm playing the game, Ray. I'm collecting slow nickels.

>You ever hear that joke about the kid who threw his clock out the window to see time fly? Kid's a fucking chump. Time doesn't fly, never has, never will. It runs; and your time just ran out.

>you know what Ray? they say you give a man a fish, you feed him for the day. you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime. but you know what Ray? ain't nobody ever taught me nothing. they just fed me some bait and left me hungry. now here we are. all this time later. and you know what I'm teaching people? how to bite down hard. this entire lifetime and I'm still hungry. so of course I cant let anyone see me do anything because of it. jeeez, you know what? when's the last time you had fresh seafood? come on. I know this great little place that serves the best siete mares and ceviche tostadas you've ever had. get us a few michelada's. maybe a couple shrimp fajitas. fuck I want some seafood. come on. grab your jacket it's on me.

this is a good one

>Open your eyes, Ray. They don't call this place Leonardo DaVinci for nothin'.

>Y'know Ray, they say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
>Well life has given me nothing but fucking limes, so I may as well make a gin and tonic.

>They say let sleeping dogs lie Ray, but if I let mutts like these lie in their sleep, what kind of fictions are they gonna' tell when they wake up?

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, that just means the lumberjack is deaf. A deaf lumberjack is a liability, Ray. And I can't handle any liabilities right now. So tell me, did you hear the tree fall or not?

Thanks. Probably could have improved it with:

>Know what the problem is, Ray? Everyone wants the quick buck. Caspere and I knew better: we collected slow nickels.

The second season honestly fucked up my opinion about the first. I realized that most of the semi-thought provoking writing was really just pizzaman being a pseudointellectual and that the only reason season one was good was Cary's directing

>You ever hear about the chicken that crossed the road, Ray? Well it didn't because I'm the road and nobody crosses me.

fuck. that's gotta be lifted from somewhere you witty faggot. good one.
good ones.
fuck you
kek

Shit opinion, user. Both Ray and Casper know this.

brilliant
>you know what they say ray about 2 birds with one stone? well here we are. 2 proud peacocks. cocks of the walk just strutting about. and the only stone I'm worried about is the one that doesnt have our names written on it.

Kek

A lot of the semi thought provoking writing wasn't even his. He ripped a lot of the edgy nihilistic shit from Thomas Ligotti and Peter Zapffe.

Imagine being Colin Farrell in that scene and having to be all like "damn, Vince Vaughn, you fuckin' eloquent, all sage with your elaborate vocabulary and horrific pretentious analogies. I would totally be shaken by your rethoric, both my character and the real me." when all he really wants to do is shoot another scene with Rachel McAdams. Like seriously imagine having to be Colin and not only stand in that pier while Vince Vaughn flaunts his stilted solliloquy in front of you, the emotionless delivery barely concealing the excesive verbose and lack of pathos, and just stand there, take after take, hour after hour, while he perfected that monologue. Not only having to tolerate his grating fucking deliberate pauses but his haughty attitude as everyone on set tells him he's STILL GOT IT and DAMN, VINCE VAUGHN VAN DELIVER DIALOGUE LIKE *THAT*?? because they're not the ones who have to stand there and watch his droopy mouth conjure awkward declamations you didn't even think were possible before that day. You've been acting opposite nothing but a healthy diet of Al Pacinos, Tom Cruises and later alleged Ben Afflecks for your ENTIRE CAREER coming straight out of the boonies in Ireland. You've never even seen anything this fucking bad before, and now you swear you can taste the sweat that's breaking out on his wrinkled forehead as he frowns menacingly at you, smugly assured that you are enjoying the opportunity to get paid to stand there and revel in his "subdued (for that is what he calls himself)" performance, the performance he worked so hard for with personal acting coaches in the previous months. And then the director calls for another take, and you know you could outact the shit out of Vaughn before the studio security could put you down, but you stand there and endure, because you're fucking Colin. You're not going to lose your future Harry Potter career over this. Just bear it. Hide your face and bear it. Caspere knew this.

Cary directing is Spielberg tier. Matt and Woody are who saved it, along with Michelle DatAss and Alexandra McTits.

>They say that time and tide wait for no man, Ray. But guess what? A storm is coming, and I don't have a watch.

season 2 > season 1

Problem with the second season was too many characters and they all were too depressing.

>They say what when you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up. Well, guess what, Ray? We're ten feet deep and I'm about to start digging.

thanks everyone
I needed this

>They say if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, Ray. But you know what, I've been beating my meat so long that the skin on my penis and hand have fused together -- they've joined -- don't you see, Ray? I beat 'em and I joined 'em. My golf handicapped has suffered as a result.

>They say the bigger he is the harder he falls. And when a big guy like me falls Ray, lets just say there are no survivors

>You want life to stop suffocating you? Don't hold your breath, Ray. Me? I don't even have lungs. I got gills. And that's why this shit smells real fishy to me

Tragedies come in three Ray. But this show isnt getting a third season, and Im the shark you can't jump

They say time heals all wounds, Ray, and a stitch in time saves nine. Well, when I'm done with this bastard he'll need so many stitches there won';t be any time left to heal.

>You know how they say the tables have turned, Ray? Well the chinks have a fascinating invention called the Lazy Susan. I mean, they wouldn't call it a Lazy Susan in Chinese, it's probably called "Wang Chow Ping Chong" or something, but that's not the point. The point is with these things you don't have to turn the table at all, because the Lazy Susan is a turning table -- not a turn table like those faggot DJs use, not like my son Perry, that fucking fairy, Jesus. Anyway, these slant-eyed explosion monkeys are at least good for passing the chicken chow mein, you know? Caspere new this, and many a time we got crooked sipping opiate-laced tea at a morning yum cha. Those were the days, Ray, but now the tables have turned. Susan got lazy.

>In this life you're either a hammer, or a nail. I've spent so long trying to be the hammer, and I never realized I was the wood all along.

dumb but it got me.

>Caspere new this
stopped reading there

don't do that

>stopped reading at the end
keep doing that

>You know what they say, Ray? They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But the only people doing the pounding are the ones who don't want us cured in the first place.

They say a shadow can't exist without a light. Well, it's five o clock, and I see the shadow, but I still can't see the fucking light.

still the best

>I was the one who armed the Chinese mob. Guns, bombs, bulletproof vests, you name it. Who would've thought that would be my downfall, Ray, the chinks in my armor?

>They say actions speak louder than words Ray. That's why I've never said a goddamned thing in my entire life.

>there's clearly a sentence after that segment
unless you consider things near the end to actually be the end

>When punks fail they go back to the drawing board. They only fail because they use a fucking board in the first place.

>"They say if you can't handle the heat then get out of the kitchen. Well it's dinner time at a five star and I'm the fucking head chef."

>I never bite off more than I can chew Ray. That's why I have a fuckin blender.

>Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Count your chickens before they make more eggs

Underrated post

>>They say actions speak louder than words Ray. That's why I've never said a goddamned thing in my entire life.
>>I was the one who armed the Chinese mob. Guns, bombs, bulletproof vests, you name it. Who would've thought that would be my downfall, Ray, the chinks in my armor?
>>They say the bigger he is the harder he falls. And when a big guy like me falls Ray, lets just say there are no survivors
Good job
>There's an old saying that goes, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again". Well I'm fucking Yoda, Ray, and I do or do not, but I never try.
Caspre Knew This

>You know what makes me different Rey? Some people whant to kill a guy and shoot him. Some just throw him out of a plane. Well guess what Rey. I do both.

What did he mean by this?

They say that you can tell everything you need to know about a man by his hands. I've been looking at mine my whole life Ray, and you wanna know what I just realized? They're fucking feet.

best one

>Some wiseass once said to me, Ray, that the apple doesen't fall far from the tree. But when I look up, all I see are fucking lemons

>They say you don't get to bring friends, Ray, but guess what? I'm fuckin CIA.

Caspere knew this.