Please state the nature of the medical emergency

Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Attached: uaaX4p4.jpg (530x530, 149K)

OP is a faggot, don't think you can help him doc.

Something is stuck between my teeth.

the entire crew is violently farting

Attached: Tuvok.png (260x195, 67K)

He's a doctor, not a dentist

Affirmative. I must insist of having a detailed look for myself first though.

See this answer Ensign. I'm a doctor, not a dentist.

Tuvok, it must have been that soup that Neelix cooked from those Aldrahasian gummy beans, I told him that those were NOT safe for human consumption.

You're in a Johnny Cab

help, my dick keeps getting hard around kids

I'm sorry to say this Ensign, but you.. are mentally ill.. security, take him away.

I have recently perfected a surgical procedure that removes the dick with a nano-laser and then beam the removed dick into an alternative reality entirely populated by feminists, everyone wins.

Dick stuck in cat

Kek

Playing hockey gives me a headache

Attached: desktop-1409166370.png (650x893, 518K)

There are no cats on-board. Where did you get the cat? Is it an holographic cat? Did you create a holographic program just to get your dick stuck in a cat? Why did you do this?

If it has to be done then it has to be done
Proceed doctor.

Here, I'll give you a low-dosed analgesic, and please, stop playing hockey on-board.

Good. I'll have your procedure booked for tomorrow for 1400-hours. You might want to avoid eating before bed tonight, since recent research have suggested that surgically removing your dick might cause severe anxiety and upset stomachs.

Ah don't worry about that, I think after I'm just going to beam myself into space.

He got the cat from another thread

Degeneracy. Will I make it doc? Am I going to be okay?

I would not advice that, we need all the able-bodied, or, almost able-bodied officers we can get before we reach earth again.

I'm sad doc, girl I like just wanna be friends

What are you on about? Thread? I'm a doctor, not a tailor.

I'm a computer program, morality is not part of my programming. You might want to ask helmsman Paris, he knows a thing or two about degeneracy.

I've fallen and i can't get up!

I have told you before and I will tell you again, if you are that bothered I will provide a 14-day intensive therapy using anti-depressants and solar irradiation, if this is not sufficient, I recommend stop complaining about it.

I literally cannot stop having dubs.

Is there at least some medical procedure to erase my memory doctor?

Have you tried not falling?

I highly doubt it. Try again next time Ensign.

Don't wanna get drugged doc, please tell me how I make her love me. You got any mdma or something to put in her drink?

Star Fleet does not condone such procedures since they deem them highly immoral and dangerous while operating heavy machinery. I can recommend a few relaxing holosuite programs though that might get your thoughts away from your removed appendix.

I wantt o kill myself, every day is another nightmare I can't get up from

*sigh* Tell her how you feel about her, now go.

I told her, that's why I know she only wants to be friends

Based on our previous encounter with the Q continuum, the captain does not condone suicide. I can provide some muscle-relaxation stimulants that should discourage such behaviour.

>Computer, how attractive is the Ensign on a scale from 1 to 10?
>According to the ships records, he is a 3 out of 10.
I'm sorry Ensign, you will never be able to measure up to this girl. However, you can always ask for a transfer to a part of the ship where no one will see you, which might make you forget about your appearance.

Fuck me up then doc, I don't care anymore.

What holo program would doctor recommend?

Affirmative. You might feel a slight tingy-sensation in your finger nails and left kidney, however I assure you that this is all according to standards. After your injection I would recommend 3-4 hours rest in your quarters followed by sustenance high in vitamin B7.

How about 'Battle of Klach D'kel Brakt'? My programming suggests it provides relaxation on lower difficulty settings.

Ah yes slaughtering some Romulans would cheer me up. Thanks doc

Good. Now leave, I have more pressing matters to attend to.

Good thing she's a 3/10 too and obviously I don't like her for how she looks like. She just doesn't know I'm the one

A transfer it is then. I will include it into my daily log. How does garbage disposal sound? Or maybe re-ignition of defunct IPS-relays?

I didn't do the uptuck before a fight and got kicked in the urethra.

I have just received medical supplies from Neelix, and one that might be perfect for your current condition. Apply this salve to the affected areas, it will sting *a little* but you will make a full recover within 5-15 days.

Rampant pubic crustaceans

I'm a doctor, not a zookeeper. Go ask security.

My ankle feels funny.

Attached: vajankle.jpg (599x381, 75K)

Safety failed on holodeck, dick fell off

Ah I see.. what seems to be the problem with it?

A dick does not simply fall off?! What happened Ensign?

somthing is wrong with kess

Attached: kess.jpg (615x615, 21K)

It makes me feel wary, I can't stop pussyfooting around.

I have a bad bad case of no gf-itis, got a cure doc?

Attached: deal with it.gif (450x252, 988K)

Klingon orgy, one of the females got a bit too handy with her teeth

Justin Timberlake did the Opera singing in this series for this character

GOD! Kess.. What happened to you? You look.. old and worn out, who did this to you?

Have you tried not being a 'pussyfoot' Ensign? I'd ask Tuvok to give you a security briefing and a portion of 'whop-yo-ass' but he's currently busy, it'll have to wait.

sorry doc i got arrested showed my vagina to a child

I'm a doctor, not Don Juan. Ask helmsman Paris, he has the reputation of being a 'womanizer'. I'm sure he would be permanently confined to quarters unless he was not such a competent pilot.

I have been told that Klingon orgy-programs are strictly prohibited. I will have to contact First officer Chakotay for future remands. However, I will see to it that your penis is reattached as soon as possible, Please, take a seat here.

Doctor, I was reading up on my 20th century history, and came across somebody called Richard Gere in the celebrity section..... Long story short, I have a Tribble stuck in my rectum

Who is this 'Justine Timberlake'? And I will have you know that my musical subroutine is working perfectly fine thank you. Now out of my sickbay.

A child? There is no child on-board. Kess.. did you do this during the last away mission? I told you that Janeway would have your head in a box if you did this again!

Just a quick question doctor what was your favourite of your names when you were trying to pick one?

Any chance you could make it larger while you do?

I'M A NIGGER-FAGGOT WHAT DO DOC?

Attached: 1573494894073.jpg (692x530, 72K)

I can't find Luke Skywalker, he promised to take me to see Gandalf in his time machine so I can go to Hogwarts, Live Long and may the Farce be with you

What does this person R'Gere have to do with this tribble? And I'll have you know that if you steal my experimental tribbles again I will have Tuvok confine you to the brig. Before you leave, this tribble seems to have emptied his gonads into your anal-cavity. You can expect some gastrointestinal disturbances in a few days with an explosive diarrhoea of tribbles falling out of you anus. I will be seeing you soon again.

I don't have a favourite, but Shmullus comes to mind. After all, a name is something someone else gives you.

Oh dear lord, just throw me out the airlock right now

No, sorry, due to decreased bloodflow while being detached your penis will be 5 inches shorter after reattachment.

I think the name Robert suits you

It was only 5 inches to begin with!

I can try some skin-bleaching if you would prefer your skin to be a bit lighter in shade. I can not do anything about your sexuality I'm afraid. However Tuvix, I'm sure that Janeway will find a way to deal with your new 'existance'.

I'm sorry, who are you again? I don't think that I have seen you around here before.
>Doctor to Security, please come and escort the intruder to the brig.

Sorry, it is against regulations. You will just have to wait and then take good care of your future tribble-human hybrid offspring. It will make an interesting medical procedure I am sure.

Robert? Don't be absurd. Don't you have any duties to perform?

Erhm.. y-yes.. If you have a partner, I would suggest you break it up before this embarrassment gets public.

Oh, I was supposed to regulate the teraphasic warp reaction with a self-sealing clamp. Thanks for reminding me

I'm suure B'elanna can't wait to have you back in engineering *sighs*

I can't wait to crawl around in the Jefferies tubes with her

Captain Janeway won't be pleased..... Wait, did I say that out loud?

Be careful Ensign, she's much stronger than she looks, a wrong word and you might end up here again, unconscious and bruised.

Don't fool yourself Ensign, I know that you're an incel, the computer records states it quite clearly.

Computer, end Emergency Medical Hologram

Now wait just a mi... *ends*

Computer, activate the Emergency Command Hologram.

Thanks for the laughs OP

>Sorry, there is no such thing as the Emergency Command Hologram, please rephrase your inquiry.

What do you mean there's no such thing?!

Attached: 886d8f80158e6eb437ecd51dc17e090f.jpg (705x530, 30K)

>The Emergency Command Hologram can be a future potential inclusion in the EMH programming but so such subroutine is currently available.

Great, now I have to watch Voyager again for the 100th time

Neelix gets left behind.

i cri evry time

I'm trapped inside Kes. I started with one hand and she kept telling me she wanted more. This lead to me completely crawling inside her and somehow I got turned around and locked inside her pelvic bones. Fortunately I had inserted my communicator in my ass prior to this as a precaution. Doc, what do I do. I think Neelix Is here now. Can I be transported out of her womb and back into my quarters somehow?

Were you somehow shrunk and teleported in? Some extraordinary circumstances must have happened for you to fit INSIDE Kes, hold on, I will try to contact the Captain.