When I was 17, I raped my 18 year old ex. For years this has haunted me, and I desperately loathe myself for it. Now almost 3 years (and a transition) later and I can still remember every last word they and their mom said to me...
For some reason this person wanted me to continue life, be a better person, and not speak of it to anyone. No charges were made, although I did lose all of my friends, for many reasons, but this was a big chunk of it (certain people knew some part of the story).
I didn't consider it "rape" at the time, but I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew I was violating consent, even when they said no. But I did it anyway. I am such a piece of fucking shit, and this has been eating me up inside.
The worst part was my reaction. My reaction. Why am I like this? I started having a panic attack when they told me. I started freaking out, and only worrying about myself when they could be pregnant (I don't think they got pregnant, but still). This person had been my first relationship, and we had had sex consensually before, but this was completely different. I made it all about ME. I barely cared at ALL what they felt, the extreme precarity in which they were in, how they could be fucking pregnant, etc.
They (and me) are mentally ill. They have depression, anxiety, DID (multiple personalities, which I took fucking advantage of) disassociating, to name a few. They had been raped by a girl a few years earlier, and their dad molested them and their sister when they were very young. He got out of prison this year.
tl;dr What should I do myself? 41%? I deeply despise myself for being attracted to women, and I am honestly terrified of ever being in a relationship again. I'm extremely terrified of myself, and what I might do, or think of doing. I don't ever want to hurt anyone ever again. Also, I'm using they bc the person I dated was non-binary.
I'm just happy that they have a girlfriend who they are happy with. They're in college now. I hope they're