You’re sent to Pyeongchang right now in your current physical shape to compete in the Winter Olympics. What sport do you compete in, and what will be your strategy to bring the least amount of shame to yourself and your country?
Challenge: no curling.
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luge, i literally die and bring no shame to my name, only pity
Snowboard cross, I've snowboarded for 22 years, averaging 30 days a season. I unironically think I'd be better than the guy we sent.
shit, wanted to be cheeky and write curling but now...
biathlon?
Hockey. I don't really know how to play and can barely skate, but I'd immediately start a brawl, get kicked off the ice, and pass out high fives from the penalty box.
I dance the beautiful dance of my people to win gold for my country in men's figure skating
[spoiler]then i pump and dump some intercontinental boi puccis in the olympic village [/spoiler]
Chloe Kim fluffer
ice horse
bobsled i guess. was in shape til i got sick for 3 months. just need to sit and do nothing
I honestly think I could switch places with a female hockey goaltender from a crappy team and do a passable job.
snow angels
I volunteered to be her Thigh warmer
Downhill for the thrill and memorable death
You say "no curling" as if you think you would even remotely get the hang of it by the final match. You would fall on every throw. And when you finally manage to stay on your feet your stones will not even remotely go where you want them to.
what if you're the driver
Curling would be a terrible pick. It takes forever, and it's very obvious who is unable to make a shot.
3rd guy in a bobsled team though? Yeah, I'll fuck up every single head motion and everything, but it'll be over in like 2 minutes
show me the steering wheel in this metal can my maple friend
mixed doubles luge
i think you can't fit inside
Gotta be bobsled
...
Ice dance. Flail around, air guitar, grind on the ice, interpretive dance. Become an internet hero for 12 hours.
>no curling
I'm not a fan of this meme sport but no way would anyone without curling experience do fuck all except wipeout and overthrow (overslide? overbroom?) the stones
hockey
can't shame my country if I'm riding the bench
I'm way too old and out of shape to be an athlete. The best I could do would be some team's equipment manager.
probably alpine skiing, I have grown up in Colorado and have worked at ski resorts and skied almost every day of two seasons. was on a race team earlier at my local resort.
Short Track Speedskating
or the CrossCountry sprint; be in and out so fast, no one would know I sucked
Might as well make it as a meme and just be like youtube.com
Biathlon. They can't make fun of me if I'm armed.
Like, a 9th defenseman in hockey or some shit. Biathlon would also be possible, I was a decent shot during conscription. Cant ski that fast, gotta rely on hitting.
Bobsled, 2nd or 3rd guy in the sled
*Record Scratch*
*Freeze Frame*
Yep, that's me. Bet you're wondering how I ended up this way...
curling
im a expert beer pong player and bowler so i will do fine
i wanna say hockey, but even playing goaltender, i'd be winded after 5 minutes, let alone a few shifts as a skater
bobsled is next option. my goal is to not die, and bobsled seems like the safest of the "let gravity pull you down an ice ramp" sport
Snowboard or ski jump so I can kill myself while having fun
Unless it's curling I'm pretty much dead anyways
Ski racing. With a couple practice runs on race skis, aka long ice skates, id be fine
Whatever sport makes it easy to fake an believable injury right off the bat.
Downhill ski racing.
I'd do poorly compard to those guys buy by no means would I shame my country - been a skier since I was 5 years old and big air and big speed are my things; favourite racing discipline is downhill. I'd be in heaven.
hockey. ride the pine as 3rd string goalie, get involved in no action whatsoever
or bobsleigh as the guy who sits behind the driver. I'm a fat fuck, so that should add some additional downforce
Ski jump isn’t even dangerous. You would roll far after landing but the landing is right next to the earth.
you idiot
they don't just put you in the penalty box for fighting in the Olympics
they straight up throw you out of the game
500 M short track speed skating, I have a buddy competing in the event and even though I cant skate I would at least possibly have a chance with a few days of practice if all the competitors in front of me wiped out.
tell that to Jan Mazoch
youtu.be
is the team penalized?
that looks pretty easy tbqh, just don't cross your skis and lean forward
Gotta go with Luge, I could probably at least beat that Indian guy
5 minute major I think. and the team will stay shorthanded for those five minutes even if they get scored on
nice one
yeah, because he did that on purpose
the wind in Pyeongchang is pretty shitty as well
one of the middle guys in 4 man bobsleigh
I just gotta push a sleigh, hop in, and let the driver drive, can't be that hard
Mogul Skiing, when I stopped competing 3 years ago I was top 40 in the country
Probably some skating event and just crash out in the first few meters and pretend to be injured
short track speed skating i will just hang back and say my strat was trying to bradbury it
that sucks but I'd take my chances with that than impaling myself attempting to skill downhill full speed or ripping myself in half like that one dude
Also that gay speed skating looks pretty easy too. Could probably do a short race and come in a respectable time.
Skeleton. Strategy will be to not fucking die.
I believe you user
Short track speed skating. I'll take it easy and get knocked out in the qualifiers. Nobody will even know I competed.
This but unironically
Thanks bby.
Curli... fuck.
Let's go with luge. We've got a couple people in that sport that are pretty good so my just being there to make up numbers wouldn't be too shameful for us since we can point to them. That and at the very least I'd probably be good for one impressive crash.
Probably not, but at least he can compete under his country's real name.
Biathlon just to blow my brains out on live tv
Ice Hockey as the 13th player
We already had one athlete in my shape. He was called Eddie the Eagle, and he was completely shit but became world famous. So I'd go ski jump, just to humiliate the Olympic comity that said they would make sure it never happened again.
>blowing your brains out
>with a .22
Good luck have fun
Luge bottom guy
> Netherlands
>bottom guy
why am I not surprised in the slightest?
I'd put a skirt on and compete with girls. Sport wouldn't even matter at that point, I'd dominate anything.
Halfpipe Snowboarding or Snowball Fight
Luge.
My death on live TV will bring me forever fame.
The ratings will be through the roof to watch me die live on TV. It will bring pity medals in my honor for my country.
heavyweight grog drinking as well
One of the downhill skiing events. I don't go very often anymore, but I'm at least intermediate level. My time would be hot garbage but I wouldn't die.
Are you rich user? Not everyone can afford long seasons at the ski resort every year.
Ski Cross, I used to compete in it and have raced with several of the Canadians who will be competing this year. I'm not even close to their level but I would avoid embarassment.
I'd just pick something at random where I wouldn't die from being shit. I'm pretty sure this is how we pick our Winter Olympics team already.
Have you not watched Lord of the Rings I literally live at pic related lad
Allow begging on the meme Olympics
Picturesque
Womans hockey. Give me a crash course in skating and I'll start for team Korea vs japan. In 6'4'' 230
...
Unless you could keep up with them you'd be a big fat pylon for them to skate around
Downhill skiing or Super-G
I've been skiing since I was 5. Should be able to beat something like a Latvian or Dane if I don't wipe out.
Could give the Biathlon a go but i'd need to spend some time working on the skiing.
>slips when trying to jump in
short track
i was pretty good at inline skating when i was a kid and could ice skate pretty fast
Belly sliding
I competed in alpine skiing for 10 years, so i guess I'd try that, preferably giant slalom. I'd still finish last but at least i think I'd get to the end smoothly.
Or maybe ski cross. I'd probably have slightly more chances there for not finishing last.
Curling. I’ll be a sweeper.
Ice skating and because I skate to work every day I'd take a gold medal to honour our King for good measure
Ice Hockey
>mfw 170 cm 55kg skelly
I'd enjoy every minute of being bumped around and pinned like a rag doll (and no I'm not gay).
>tfw i could be the best curler in the world but impossible to qualify for the olympics
I've been lifting for 5 years, so probably I have enough strength to be one of the bobsled guys.
Ski Jumping. I'd be shit and the nation would love it
lol no
the womens slopestyle - i can pull up dead on the ramp "too windy" shrug shoulders and slide down carefully beside the jumps. people will understand because i am a woman.
Explain to me why not? I have lot's of explosive power.
I think after a week of practicing jumping in at the right time I'll get the hang of it.
After that it's just keeping your head down and let the guy in front steer.
skelly on the skeleton
Ski jumping. Im from the mountaineous area of Poland where most of ski jumpers come from. Every child since 2001 wanted to jump.
80.5 m on K120 is my record
>dunning kruger