Went to my local kiinoplex to watch The Lion King

>went to my local kiinoplex to watch The Lion King
>forgot to buy the "foreign language extension pack"
>again
>50 lashes and one (1) painful ballpull by a woman of my choice before the designated shooting
>tfw still couldn't understand anything in the movie because they don't have subtitles for people who forgot their "foreign language extension pack"
>tfw couldn't even follow through when the official scene explainer prepped us for the regular Kino-Samba-Pop fusion Dance routine
>also got hit in the ear by the designated shooter

I lodged a formal complaint, let's see what happens in the KinoCourt.

You'll probably have to spend the rest of your days in the popcorn mines for not dying after getting targeted by the designated shooter.

Christ, you're lucky the popcorn goblins weren't on watch.
They'd have you at the quarries in a heartbeat

I'm never going back to to the Kinoplex again.

>go to watch guardians 2
>go with my dad so that I can pass the NSP on a technicality
>he's never seen a Marvel movie before
>he keeps asking me to explain what's going on even after hearing the scene explainer's explanation
>tell him that this is the non-talking section and if he doesn't stop, we'll get kicked out
>starts texting me instead
>his giant galaxy s3 lights up the whole theater
>people are starting to get annoyed
>the guy behind me starts kicking my seat
>ask him why he's kicking my seat
>he makes a goofy face and says "wHy ArE yOu KiCkInG mY sEaT?"
>people start laughing
>"He came in with his dad to get past the NSP!"
>laughing continues
>I tell them that I don't want any trouble
>"i DoNt wAnT aNy TrOuBlE"
>"What are you going to do, faggot? Shoot us?"
>the shooter looks like he's trying really hard not to laugh
>"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be watching The Hobbit?"
>the movie is paused because the reel manager is laughing

Trust me on this one; using loopholes doesn't work.

>take kids to play in the ballpit before the movie starts
>eldest son gets bitten by one of the theater asps
>rush him to the cinema doctor
>"sir, your kino insurance has been declined."
>son dies, get fined, and have to pay a tip
>fucking American cinemas are the worst

>need to finish film school so i can get to movies
>cant see movies before going to film school
How do you deal with this?
I dont want to go on black friend sunday

get funds for your kino like tarantino

You would've been fine if your dad wasn't so dumb.

>walk in kinoplex
>huge sign says "jugglers cancelled for intermision"
>sign up for shooter duty
>go to wait in the showers until called upon by Kaptain Kino
>out of shower tokens

Worst day of my life.

Non-American here. How can a kinoplex force you to work in the popcorn mines? Do you sign a waiver or something when buying your ticket?

Exextrans submoonfriend hubstar+ here.
How can i see 3d with a 5d view of the world, i mean 2d is fine but 3d fucks with my eyes or something i dont know...

>>>/leftypol/

>go to cinema
>main lobby is filled with black sludge so have to go through a different hallway
>employee directs me downstairs even though I've never been to the basement level
>downstairs is sweltering hot, a sick diseased heat
>the walls are warm and soft and seem to shiver at my touch
>so dark I can barely see anything in front of me. murmurs and sobs emanate from the inky black
>finally a single number shines out above me - theater 6, guardians of the galaxy 2
>I run inside the theater. all the seats are empty
>I grab a seat near the front, ecstatic. the show all to myself
>suddenly I feel something kicking the back of my chair
>some sick strange creature sitting behind me, the twisted body of a goat with a child's face
>"can I have some popcorn"
>helps himself to half the god damn bag

I hate the cinema

Seeing them around a lot lately.

>wear my favorite cape to the kinoplex
>ticket costs $57 plus tip
>cinema falcon starts attacking my cape
>get pulled up into the air by my cape and lose my ticket in the process
>manage to sneak into the theater though
>designated shooter starts picking off people one by one and doesn't even notice me (only got one stray bullet into my leg)
>kino police come in and check to see if everyone alive has their tickets
>they see that I don't have mine
>my punishment is 20 lashes and an hour of solitude with no food in the showers
>didn't even bring any money for shower tokens
>by the half hour mark I'm starving
>by the end of the hour I'm doubled over from the hunger pains
>kino police have to drag me out by my cape
>they throw me out into the street
>find a beetle on the ground to eat
>regain some of my strength and go home
The only saving grace is this specific kinoplex doesn't have a no singles policy yet.

I'm calling bullshit. Kino police are generally only introduced after an NSP due to the need to murder spergs with extreme prejudice. Not the other way around.

>interested in the new Peanuts film
>head to the local theater
>sneak past the barbed wire entrance guarded by heavily armed theater forces
>navigate through the never ending twists, tricks and traps of the labyrinth
>evade the man eating minotaur
>successfully traverse the swamp of misery
>avoid the roving cannibal bandit clans formed by other lost theater patrons
>correctly answer the sorceror's riddle
>avoid being turned to stone by the Basilik's gaze
>incite the barbarian tribes to revolution against the Iron Khan of then 38th dimension
>don't become hopelessly seduced by the sirens bathing in the fountain of merriment
>best the Duke of Fear in single combat
>banish the demon prince Melchantraz by learning his true name
>retrieve the Bow of Kings and slay the 20ft tall Cyclops
>wasn't fooled into eating the cyanide enchanted crab legs at the altar of concessions
>finally make it to the ticket office
>Peanuts has been out of theaters for several months now
>mfw

That's only in certain states. I live in Florida so of course everything is going to be assbackwards.

>go on a vacation in Europe with my waifu
>we decide to stop at a kinoplex
>the won't let me in because of the no singles policy
>explain that my daki is with me so I'm not single
>they don't accept it
>ask if I can at least be the designated shooter
>they say they only have designated suicide bombers there
>leave
>as I'm leaving a muslim throws acid at my daki
>I manage to pull her out of the way just in time
>I call Trump to explain what happened
>he sends a helicopter to bring us back to the States
>as we are leaving he drops a MOAB on the kinoplex
Fuck you Europeans, your country sucks.

>go to the Kinoplex
>get stuck up to my waist in the dreaded sugar swamps again
>Robert comes over and asks me why I didn't just use my falcon to fly me straight to the theater
>Good point Robert

did you explain to him that they dont even let you in the theater without your mandatory 5d glasses? Robert should know that

>tfw lost my job last week
>tfw can't afford the top climbing-tree branch seats and have to sit by the tree roots like a common plebian

>that guy who doesn't clap at the end of the movie so everyone has to clap overtime to fulfill the ovation quota

Yeah I know Clap-O-Meters are bullshit, but if everyone claps and cheers we can all go home early for once.

Guys I'm nervous. I just wrote the test to get my annual kino license, but like 80% of the questions were on flicks! Were your kinography exams the same, or did I just have a tough year?

>Go see Alien Covenant at my Kinorium
>To my surprise there were actually TWO post-credits cockfights, most only have one nowadays


Just fyi dont leave after the first cockfight, they only upload the first one on the Kinorium youtube channel

>Spiderman: Homecoming debut
>they're allowing singles in if they bring their hot aunt
>ask my hot aunt to come with me
>she laughs but agrees
>grabs my arm and tells the cashier that we're a couple while staring at me to see my reaction
>start blushing
>she tells the cashier that we only need one seat
>starts rubbing my red face
>"I know where I'm going to be sitting" ;)

I never even got to watch the movie.

>Tfw got called for kino duty this month and I couldn't even claim exemption this time because my penis passed an impromptu home inspection by the Cinegoons

If they assign me to be Robert's slave again I'm going to freak

These threads are fucking gay. None of that happens at all

I bet you live in a third world country.

Underrated

I bet you live in some shithole where they don't even have masturbation chairs

>>>they say they only have designated suicide bombers there

>cinema jester hid my ticket in the sand dunes again

It's not fair, how the fuck am I supposed to find it in time? When I complain they just say it's part of the "experience" and I should be glad only the jester targeted me instead of the Cinema BigFfoot.

>tfw you have to hold your own drink throughout the shoe because the nominated cupholder lost his hands in the cloakroom fire

4/10. Someone will post this on /r/Sup Forums, but it won't get more than 10 upvotes.

I already did desu

people on reddit only want spilling spaghetti stories

>watching Fantastic Beasts
>intermission
>snack maids do their rounds
>place my order
>20 minutes into the intermission, get a tap on my shoulder
>"Heard you wanted some M&Ms"

>Went to the cinema
>Bought my ticket
>I'd already eaten so didn't go to the concessions
>Watched the movie
>It was decent
>Left

Fuck things are getting crazy where I live

>Left
I bet you're too shy to use the theater showers, pansy

See, everyone?
THIS Is what happens when you don't trust your falcon to get you past the NSP.

>go to local kino dome to see alien: covenant
>buying tickets, buying food, etc is all done by touch screen, everything is automated
>go to take a kino piss before the picture begins
>gasolina by daddy yankee playing over bathroom speakers
>enter my theater
>it's packed, too many people, too few seats
>an automated message plays over the screen and repeats itself every few seconds saying "YOUR MOVIE WILL BEGIN SHORTLY, PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE."
>the audio is way too loud and people are covering their ears
>finally the lights go down and screen goes black
>gasolina in the bathroom faintly resonates through the innards of the theater
>"Before, our feature presentation, please enjoy these previews of coming attractions."
>they show the trailer for the brothers grimsby three times in a row and people start chimping out
>jokingly, people start singing gasolina
>everybody stops paying attention to the screen and starts twerking
>chicken stanley makes his long awaited kino debut
>LA GUSTA LA GASOLINA
>the people of the theater start breaking off into tribes
>movie finally starts and people quiet down
crazy how antsy people are

buuuuuuuuuu

>>gasolina by daddy yankee playing over bathroom speakers

I can't believe that after all of the things I've read in these threads, THIS is what seemed bizarre enough to catch me off guard.

I saw that lecture twice and I still don't know anything about Carl Jung. It was fun, but how the fuck was that supposed to be a lecture on Carl Jung

>Went to the rural kinoplace
>Passed the waeapoon test with my Beretta
>Thanks to my warthog I pass the no-singles policy guard(After inspecting him they found warts on their genitals, so I had to put a chastity cage on him)
>After ordering wine and piada( a kind of flatbread) I seat on my chair in the zoophilic lane
>The motocross show was fine, except when the monstertruck drove by the designated jester destroyed part of the room's armory after the second race duing the qualifications
>The movie starts(Arrival)
>Tfw this is the average american version and not the one for the small South European republics
>Who the fuck are Abbott and Costello
>Meanwhile, my warthog has destroyed the cage and he's raping companion sows
>Tfw I had to grab him and flee from the kinoplace
>Luckily I had my folding hang glider so I had just to jump from the window while the guards tried to hit me with their crossbows

Shitty experience, a few days later I roasted the warthog an ate him with a far better wine than the one served at the kinoplace

>Designated shooter shot me in the leg with the golden bullet and I won unlimited shower tokens
>Leg with golden bullet gets mutilated in the popcorn mines when i get caught using a 2D designated crockpot during a 3D movie
Just when things were looking up

This thread made my head hurt

>It's one of these
Gonna be a long night I guess.

Wew time to fap

>go to my local kinospire to see what films they have received
>Kinospire has bought a copy of the incantations needed to summon some new spiderman flick
>Marvel found it in some egyptian Pharaoh's tomb so it's gotta be good
>Order my ticket and demon warding charms
>Go to kino summoning room
>Sit down and wait for the kinomancer to appear
>After at least an hour this kid arrives in kinomancer robes
>Someone yells: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE OLD KINOMANCER?!
>kid looks embarrassed and starts collecting everyone's blood for the sacrifice
>Found out much later the old kinomancer got sent to the mines for using his kinowand outside the kinospire to impress some prostitute
>Kinomancer fucking trips over the crableg circle and drops all the blood
>Has to collect a whole new flask
>At least 3 people pass out because of blood loss
>Finally the kid gets up to the arcane kinoprojector
>Empties the flask of blood over his head and starts chanting and performing the ritualistic kinowaltz with his falcon
>This amateur's falcon bites him in the middle of the incantation
>Hear a roar
>"THE FIRE RISES"
>Kid fucking summoned a kinodaemon
>Kid runs off screaming
>This male looking creature of extreme grandure wearing an imposing mask appears
>Apprentice kinomancers storm in and send their falcons on him while conjuring crableg missiles
>His ascended spirit falcon is bigger and it doesn't even phase him
>We try to appease the kinodaemon by sacrificing the unconscious people to him while commenting on how large he is
>kinodaemon seems satisfied
>Roars the words "FOR YOU" while channeling his energy into the kinoprojector
>Some weird BBC show about this edgy looking guy going "hmmm" a lot plays on screen
>It was just 1 episode
>Never got to see spiderman
>Didn't get a refund
That shitty kinomancer got sent to the lower popcorn mines though, so I guess it won't happen again.

>Be in trip to Japan
>Go to see Son of Godzilla at the local eigapurekusu
>Hitori's policy (single's policy for you baka gaijins)was actually banned after american's left the country in 2020
>But they still have the designated seppuku beheader
>They chose me, probably because I'm white and they want to laugh at the waito piggu
>Designated maid crossdreser explains me how to behead the guy after he opens his guts
>Guy opens his stomach
>Try to do it like the lady (otokonoko) explained to me
>Turns out the swrod was wooden
>Emperor suddenly comes from out of the dark and yells IT WAS JUST A PRANKU ANIKI
>Cinema chinese slave finishes the guy off with his bare hand
All in all, it was a good night but I wasn't expecting the random giant japanese wasp attack and the kamizake show which I thought was offensive.

Trips decide if I see Pirates or Alien tomorrow

Something similar happened to me when I was a kid and my aunt took me to see the 2002 Spiderman.

>we get our two tickets
>start walking towards the auditorium
>she notices me eyeing the concession stand
>mom never buys me snacks because she can't afford them on a Pharmacist's salary
>aunt is more affluent
>"Anything for my little Spiderboy"
>pinches my cheek
>this is it
>my first theater snack
>ask for a large popcorn
>$49.99 plus tax
>aunt pulls a 100 from her bra and hands it to him
>he gives me an empty cup with a hole in the bottom
>ask him where the popcorn is
>he tells me that popcorn is 99.9% air while holding back laughter
>I ask him if the butter is mostly air too in a sarcastic tone
>aunt slaps me across the cheek for being rude
>start crying and throw my cup on the floor and stomp on it
>people are staring now
>I point my hands at her like I'm trying to shoot webs
>she starts laughing at me
>cashier says that we're causing a ruckus and we're not allowed in the auditorium anymore
>start crying louder
>she grabs my hand and rushes me back to the car
>tell her that I hate her
>she tells me that when we get home, she's going to teach me how to shoot webs for real

>>gasolina by daddy yankee playing over bathroom speakers
of all the things that made me laugh in this thread, I cannot explain why I am laughing so hard

Comedy is all about the unexpected and the surreal. That guy mastered it.

1. They're playing a song from 2004.
2. It's a completely inappropriate song for anything besides a club.
3. The song was pretty funny when it was released, even more so now with hindsight.
4. The song is the theme of the entire story.

At this point Kinotoriums sound like they're more trouble than they're worth. I'll just pirate and stream, even though it risks lifetime servitude as the popcorn goblins' cumdump if I get caught.

underrated

I don't have a proper sweating man image for this.

fucking gold

>The motocross show was fine, except when the monstertruck drove by the designated jester destroyed part of the room's armory after the second race duing the qualifications

>Kinomancer fucking trips over the crableg circle and drops all the blood

>gasolina by daddy yankee playing over bathroom speakers
fuck

Literally rèddit

...

Kill yourself faggot

?

this is my favorite

Kill
Yourself
You
Dumb
Faggot

Why?

Because you're a dumb faggot

you're a big faggot

Really?

but what was the black sludge, Ridley? and who planted the FUCKING WHEAT

Got me good at
>Someone yells: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE OLD KINOMANCER?!
Then came
>Kinomancer fucking trips over the crableg circle and drops all the blood
>Has to collect a whole new flask
And i completely lost it at
>lower popcorn mines

>ascended spirit falcon is not a plane
missed opportunity

>a woman of my choice
Fake as fuck story,you'd be lucky to get a female human AT ALL let alone choose.

>go to theatre with cousin because of no singles policy
>after successfully the entrance gauntlet we get in line at the concession stand
>there are armed guards patrolling the line, occasionally firing into the air to scare patrons into keeping formation
>look back at cousin to ask if she would like to share an order of ants on a log
>the second she opens her mouth her eyes roll back, blood starts pouring from her nose, her body stiffens and convulses slightly as she falls
>a stray bullet hit her cranium
>a guard sees her collapse and blows a silent whistle
>i know whats coming and turn my back as the janitorial hyenas rush to my cousin's still warm corpse and begin tearing it apart as a single tear runs down my cheek
>i then order my ants on a log, for one, and make my way to the ticket taker
>i lie and say my date went ahead and left me to buy the snacks
>ticket taker buys it and lets me through without too rough a beating
>i find my theatre room and begin descending into the video vault
>the deeper i climb the colder it gets
>my breath is becoming visible, the kindler is late in making his rounds
>i finally arrive at my vault, muscles aching and pained
>everything is frosted over but some people got there before me
>they used the steaming blood of someone who fell to melt the ice around the vault
>i find a seat on one of the poles
>i like the back poles best
>some time later the film begins and the ground lowers, leaving the poles in place
>ground fully descended, the poles begin constantly twisting and moving in patterns and pistoning
>its very painful and distracting trying to stay seated on the poles and i have a difficult time focusing on the film
>the wake up shocks sent up the pole every 5 minutes doesn't make it any easier
>luckily 20 minutes in my blood has frozen around my bottom and the pole, stabilizing me and allowing me to focus on the film
>the ants on a log proved to be a valuable source of energy

(1/2)

>a few people have fallen off by the films end and a few more have been picked off by falling icicles
>i avoided death but my shoulder was struck
>the ground began to rise back up and i struggled to become unstuck before terror time kicked in
>i managed to shatter the red ice around my bottom just in time
>the theatre lights turned red and the cleansing grates opened
>i ran quickly to the vault door as the acid began pouring out
>only a few others managed to escape before the vault door shut
>the cold, pain, and loss of blood made it difficult to climb back up but i made it up before the shaft became completely filled with acid

overall my theatre experience was about average. jurassic world was pretty good too. gonna watch creed in a few days

(2/2)

This sounds like ass goblins from aushwitz famalam

I just had it saved.

A normal day in my brown reggaeton shithole.

should've gone to the shower's and ditched your dad