Be the designated shooter

>be the designated shooter
>Robert doesn't even provide me with designated smoke grenades

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youtube.com/watch?v=yYwnCg--CMg
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>designated shooter doesn't start shooting until the credits

So you're the asshole who didn't smoke me and my wife's son last night at the kinosseum.

They banned me and circumcised me for complaining.

>getting through the penis inspection with an uncut dick
What kind of shit tier kinopolis are you going to?

>Kinotorium runs out of falcon chow
>Constantly harassed by hungry falcons trying to steal my crab legs while I watch the kino

No that was just part of the movie

>gun jams
>room goes awkwardly silent
>someone clears their throat
>suddenly a teenage girl yells "bet that's not the only thing that shoots blanks!"
>crowd erupts in laughter
>sweat sweating
>reach into my pocket for hand grenade,that will show her
>pull out a hard boiled egg
>shit i packed an egg instead of a grenade again
>crowd not taunting me
>woman making pew pew noises
>panic
>pull out my pistol and aim at my own head
>pull the trigger
>0 casualties, only me

That's how I lost my job as DTS

>tfw no uncut foreskin to hide my skittles in to get them past the soldiers in the lobby

>>sweat sweating
what did he mean by this

>Designated shooter forgets to bring smoke grenades
>Robert is now responsible for fixing your mistake
What the hell were you thinking? Let me guess, you didn't bring stun grenades for the credits

honestly some of you guys are insanely creative

>implying this has never happened to you

go away chad

>creative
how about you support your local kinoplex and come back with some stories yourself freeloader

this reminds me a lot of this scene actually:

youtube.com/watch?v=yYwnCg--CMg

>kinothéâtre closed indefinitely due to Robert's disappearance

>new designated shooter forgets nametag, doesn't tuck in his shirt and has unkempt hair
I didn't even know who to complain about the next time I saw Robert, what cheap service. Wow, i'm never bringing my childern to designated shooter saturdays ever again, how dissapointing, i heard good stories about that too.

>Get my Kinopress Gold™ pass
>Get to VIP room with no penis inspection
>tfw I get to keep my foreskin

he looks like a bad Kyle Mooney character

>journey to the kinoplex
>no singles policy, as always
>rather than brave the hellish depths of the singles theater, i procure a clone of myself
>me and clone get through by saying we are twins
>seated in the viewing center, crab legs for both of us
>designated shooter is about to unload
>lights blare
>it's a surprise clone inspection
>the inspectors are slowly going down each row, starting from the bottom going up
>have to think fast to save myself and my clone
>my thoughts are interrupted by a loud gunshot - my clone lay dead beside me
>another pair of inspectors had appeared from behind
>my clone's corpse is ground up right before my eyes and prepared as chum for the sentient cumcrabs that lurk within the darkness of the singles domain
>i'm carried off and banished to the phantom zone to serve my sentence

I was a fool to even think of evading the no singles policy

Last time i went to a theater in Los Angeles i failed the penis inspection. They said it wasn't "feminine enough". I had to spend 2 months on the phantom zone.

I got to meet Faora tho.

I used to enjoy the surrealism of these threads but now they've gone full reddit desu

Don't be upset. He's been promoted from Ticket Salesman to Screenwriter

>3 hour bus drive to the local Regal Kinemas
>With my sister so don't need to worry about the No Singles Policy
>Stole and wearing her dirty underwear I ejaculated into get pass the virgin scanner
>Stand in line for an hour to get our snacks, $44.70 for the drinks and $85.26 for the popcorn
>Finally get to Robert with our tickets
>He's staring at me intently as he flicks on the scanner
>My sister passes no problem
>I'm nervous, he still has that hard look on his face
>Begin to walk into the scanner when Robert shoves me away
>"We all know ain't no bitch tryna let you hit, nigga, walking round looking like the fat black Hunchback of Notre Dame. You look like Biggie fucked Kevin Hart, saggy titties ass nigga, get the fuck outta here"
>I shrivel up inside, beginning to piss myself
>Robert cracks a smile, starts laughing, pushes me through the scanner
>The dirty panties and semen work
>"Just joking. You my nigga, nigga. Enjoy the movie."
>"You too"
>Finally get into theater with my sister, it's almost packed
>Commercial plays where the boy gets cucked and his phone taken away when trying to ask out his crush
>"That's my birthday"
>Obese white guy in the back starts laughing really hard
>His laughter is contagious, soon the entire theater is cackling at the cuckening
>Obese guy is laughing even harder now, he falls over into the aisle
>Finally stops laughing as nachos and hot dog bits fall out of mouth
>Paramedic Robert clones rush into the theater
>Obese guy was actually choking the entire time
>He's dead

Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was okay.

Has your kinoplex started hiring handicapped spergs to take tickets? I had to give my ticket to a little fetus man on a motorized gurney today.

>"We all know ain't no bitch tryna let you hit, nigga, walking round looking like the fat black Hunchback of Notre Dame. You look like Biggie fucked Kevin Hart, saggy titties ass nigga, get the fuck outta here"
>suddenly a teenage girl yells "bet that's not the only thing that shoots blanks!"

fuck

Yeah, people are more likely to tip big if its a handicapped person.

Its really just the best way to maximize paying your employees by allocating them to positions were they are most effective. Its genius in a way.

How do they differentiate between identical twins and clones? Both have the same dna.

>Preorder my ticket to Wonder Woman so I don't have to wait in line or take the literacy test
>$157 plus shipping and handling
>Realize I can't get past the NSP with one ticket
>Have to buy another ticket and hire a hooker
>The only problem was I only could find male prostitutes
>Oh well, enter the kinorama
>Swim through the shark tank
>Run past the lion den
>Have to enter the prostate exam room
>My male prostitute fails
>The management blasts us out of the canon
>Have to pay the prostitute's medical bills now
>Never even got to see Wonder Woman

...

kek

>female finally agrees to go to the kinotorium with me
>Robert starts flirting with her immediately
>gives us our tickets
>we've been seated in the Bull Section
>pass penis inspection with a grade of CK-9
>we get seated, the bulls are already there
>my female presents her pussy to the bulls and offers them a breeding section
>I am forced to watch as she gets rammed with BBC for 2 hours
Well I'm glad I finally have a gf. She tells me she really enjoyed the kino and hopes we can go again next weekend.

>tfw CK-9 too but nofgf
>tfw the BBC are for me
It's hard to follow kinos. It's so good.

bumpr

fuck off these threads are the only good thing left on this board

you're fortunate to be blessed with the kangz nectar

clone genetic material degrades at a different rate

bump

>GOTG 2
>chosen to be the scene explainer
>got through most of the movie without any bumps
>Rocket says "Groot said welcome to the fricken Guardians of the Galaxy. And he didn't say fricken."
>standard pause
>spotlight on me
>everybody's waiting
>I explain that Rocket added the word "fricken" to Groot's statement to make it sound edgy
>they start laughing at me
>"He got the explanation wrong!"
>someone yells out "Ayo I think what actually happened is that Groot said fuckin' and then Rocket censored it. As in, I'mma be fuckin' your wife later tonight"
>more laughter
>"He doesn't have a wife! He's single!"
>there are people rolling on the floor now

It still keeps me up at night.

If you're gonna repost content just screen cap it next time shitlord

This is dumb

>walk past the Kinoservatory
>there doesn't seem to be any 'No Singles Policy' sign
>wander in and try to find Robert so I can buy my tickets
>He's not there today
>Lane is at the register
>She says Robert has the day off because he's sick
>buy a single ticket to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
>no snarky comments from Lane
>she offers me a free bucket of popcorn
>"they've just struck a vein of popcorn out at Mt. Kinon" she explains
>offers me my own choice of seat from any row in the theatre
>she tells me that I can cut the line at penis inspection and walk straight through to the theatre
>she tells me that she knows I'd pass anyway as she winks at me
>walk straight into theatre 9 and a 1/2 just as it says on my ticket
>enter the theatre
>the door immediately slams shut behind me
>I take my seat
>Suddenly remember I forgot to buy crablegs so I try to walk back out
>the door is locked
>the lights shut off
>room goes pitch black
>I hear laughter coming from the front of the theatre
>Laughing keeps getting closer
>Suddenly a floating pair of teeth and eyes are in front of me
>It's a ghost
>I reach for my Katana and pull out my jacket to shield me from the ectoplasm
>"Ayo put that shit away nigga"
>It's not a ghost it's just Robert
>"Lane told me you were sick"
>there's more laughter now, but in a higher pitched voice
>the lights flicker and I catch a glimpse of around 10 people
>it's all the staff members from the Kinoservatory in their uniforms, Lane is there too
>pitch black again
>suddenly the projector starts playing
>I look at the screen
>It's me
>I'm in the popcorn mines digging for kernels with a pickaxe
>everyone there looks gloomy and disheartened
>it's raining outside the mineshaft
>the projector stops
>"No!" I shout "There was no sign for the No Singles Policy! You can't do this!"
>Roberts voice booms back
>"We have a NEW policy"
>the staff come and grab me and drag me to the front door
>I close my eyes and scream

Not bad, ending was a bit weak though.

I ran out of space (2000 character limit)

The planned ending was that the projector showed a second clip where he starred in the lead role of the Avengers

He was given a choice of either the popcorn mines or being a movie star

When he chose to be a movie star Robert said

"Then stop wasting your time on a Taiwanese cooking forum"

The manlet pits, the penis inspections, popcorn mines and mass shootings. Is it really worth it just to watch kino and eat crab legs?

How do I be funnier guys

>go to theater to watch alien covenant
>sit down and notice there's a line to the front of the screen
>I forgot today is weekly self-presentation day
>we all have to do a 5 minute presentation about ourselves
>I never know what to say
>can't walk out and skip it because the doors are already padlocked
>stand in line, have to wait like 45 minutes for my turn
>don't even know what to say
>whatever I'll just talk about kino
>start stuttering and sweating really bad (never good with presentations)
>people are completely silent
>I don't even get an applause
>drag myself back to my seat
>someone stole my crabcorn because I forgot to lock the theater storage box
never going again on a thursday

Say "Kino" at the end of every sentence

Blumpf

>the line for the Vietnamese BBQ pork roll stand is out the door of the kinoplex

>get sick ace as DS
>Robert doesn't count it because the first one was technically during the credits

>be the designated creeper
>the movie is so good that I forget to do my rounds

so I take it you saw Wonder Woman.

>nervously wait in the credit catacombs while they're checking my score
>Robert looks at me then starts dialing a number
>"is there a problem?"
>realize he's calling for security
>make a run for the Piazza San Pepsi
>trip and fall into Dr Pepper Dachau
>they restrain me and hook me up to sodas
>I hear Groot dancing through the ceiling as Sprite fills up my insides

Surprise clone inspection absolutely fucking destroyed me

Kek

>pay $230 to see the new Wonder Woman at my local kinostadium (man tax makes it quite expensive, but seeing it is a political act and my duty)
>can't even make it past the ticket-ripper goblin's riddles

>get randomly selected to be the designated theater shooter
>they assign me to Baywatch
>sold out crowd so there's no way I can miss
>the 300 person capacity theater all brought their anvils
>entire crowd starts whooping and hammering their anvils every time The Rock says something hilarious, which is often
>the noise is unbearable so I run for the exit
>slip in a massive puddle of piss
>start to black out as the hammering continues

Robert gave me 3 months of Popcorn Mine duty for that fuck up.

>go to local movie theatre
>pay $12.50 canadabux for a ticket
>no "no singles policy"
>popcorn is produced at the concession stand
>no penis inspection
>no crab legs
>pay $22.50 for a large popcorn, large drink, candy snack combo with unlimited pop refills
>watch Alien: Covenant
>leave theatre peacefully and without being shot
Why is my theatre so fucking boring

>Went back to my house owned by Xi Cao Duong that I pay $6800 a week for

Actual story
>went to see some garbage kevin hart flick in theaters
>got the shits
>run out to nearest bathroom
>2 stalls
>1 in use already
>other one is already fucked up and borderline overflowing
>fuck it
>drag the trash can into the stall
>guy in the other stall starts shifting around uncomfortably
>start shitting into the trash can
>other guy gets out ASAP
>few minutes go by
>manager comes in
And that's how I got kicked out of my local theater.

Canada is just America without the fun.

As a leaf, unironically this. Burgers have way more fun

I can't imagine how people can watch a film without getting shot at. It's baffling.

Didn't happen

Sounds like you speak from experience, now go back

Whenever I go to my local kinomatography hall the falcons are out for repair. Does anyone know who I should speak to about this? It's getting ridiculous at this point.

>trying to get into the theater despite the no-singles policy
>waifu pillow vending machine outside is broken
>tfw no friends
>I don't have a theater falcon, but I have a sheep I won in an auction
>coat its face in makeup, pretending it is my gf
>guy selling tickets is too drunk and Welsh to tell the difference
>so far so good
>make it into the room, movie about to start
>suddenly the lights flip on
>"ALERT: RANDOM SINGLES CHECK"
>security guards surround me and my sheep
>"Hold on there son, this isn't a human who accompanied you into the theater. We're going to feed you to the manlet pit for this violation."
>"Now hold on just a minute"
>some creepy twink with long greasy hair has made his way to the front of the room
>I think I recognize this guy from Youtube or something... his channel starts with a 'Y'...
>"Love between a human and an animal is pure and legitimate"
>impassioned ten minute speech defending bestiality
>whole theater is moved to tears
>"alright then," says theater security, wiping tears from his eyes "if you can prove this sheep really is your gf, prove it by fucking it"
>stare into my sheep's glazed eyes, face smeared with makeup
>the security slowly turn it around so its rear is facing me
>suddenly the door bursts open
>shootout between the white neckbeard theatergoers seeing the new Matrix movie and the black moviegoers seeing the new Madea movie
>bullets and watermelon seeds fly everywhere
>I duck under cover of one black lady spitting a volley of watermelon seeds and manage to escape the theater
I'm never going back to the kinoplex again lads

10/10

>>"Just joking. You my nigga, nigga. Enjoy the movie."
>>"You too"
Fucking kill me

nicely done

Samefag. That was a shit post

...

>tfw you stumble during the pre-kino danceoff and get disqualified from future viewing opportunities
>find out later after being refused in a different kinoplex that it was even added to my permanent record
How many years does that last for anyway? Maybe I'll just try working it off in the mines instead