People say that when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade. Problem is, Ray, I'm allergic to lemons

>People say that when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade. Problem is, Ray, I'm allergic to lemons.

>When life gives you lemons just say "fuck the lemons" and bail

>They say that time and tide wait for no man. Well, guess what, Ray, I'm in a maelstrom, and I don't have my watch.

>They say give a man fish and feed for him a day, teach him how to fish and feed him for a life. What they dont tell you, Ray, sooner or later, the lake is gonna run out of fish.

>They say it's darkest before the dawn, Ray, but it's half past 8, and I'm fucking blind.

I DON'T WANT YOUR DAM LEMONS! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?

>They say there's many ways to skin a cat. Well, I haven't seen a pussy I didn't want to tear apart.

>Some people say it's the size of the boat, others say it's the motion of the ocean. Well, I can't swim, Ray, never even had a fucking bath.

>They say a wise man doesn't take a shower before he takes his morning dump. Problem is Ray, I take baths.

>They say when times get tough, all you can do is whistle past the graveyard, Ray. But how can you do that....when you're already six-feet under?

>They say give a man fish and feed for him a day, teach him how to fish and feed him for a life. Thing is, Ray, I am the fish, and I'm not going to fall hook, line, and sinker and let someone feed off me.

You contradicted my Raypost. He does take baths.

>It's a dog eat dog world out there, Ray, and I'm the fucking china man.

>They told me that sometimes I should give a dog a bone. But what happens when the dog gets boned?

Ah, Mr. Semyon. The Nivarura tribe have a saying about lemons. The harder one squeezes, the more tart juice.

>They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Well my bird is a cock, and it's going right in your wife's bush.

>When I was a child I was told God helps those who help themselves. I helped myself for years and you know what I learned? God doesn't even flush after taking a piss.

>They say that even a broken clock is right twice a day. I've never owned a working clock in my life but I've never been late.

THESE ARE TERRIBLE
are they terrible on purpose? is this an inverse meme?
No mentions of Caspare and all these half-baked fortune cookie one-liners.

kek

They say every man wants to fuck his mother. Well, I was raised by the streets, Ray. And you're the condom.

Life's supposed to be peaks and troughs? Well, right now I'm oinking like a pig.

>you want life to stop suffocating you? Dont hold your breath Ray. Me, I dont even have lungs, I have gills and thats why this shit smells real fishy to me

All my life, people have been telling me to be afraid of ghosts. Problem is, Ray, they're all friendly. Caspere knew this

moo moo foo foo hooby root root?

doodle boodle hurg durg

>they say even a stopped clock is right twice a day Ray. What they don't tell you is that I switched to digital and my battery is about to die

>they say you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet, but im startin to feel like the fucking frying pan. and theres no butter.

>They say the way to a man's heart is his stomach. Well I got a gastric bypass and can only eat small preportioned meals. Sometimes I can chew a little steak, spit it out. They call it living, but it's just dying a little slower. Caspere knew this.

>My grandfather told me you can discover everything you need to know about everything by looking at your hands. I've been looking at mine all my life, every day since I was 5, and you know what I've just realized? They're fucking feet.

but did Caspere know this?

>Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat?

>My father once took me round the back, showed me a glass of water. He asked "You think it's half full or half empty?" Truth is Ray, it was neither. The glass was upside down and I'm trapped inside it. Casper knew that much.

>Punks like you are a diamond dozen but me? I'm a roll of nickels and nothing is gonna change that.

>They say actions speak louder than words, Ray. But when I start kicking the shit out of a blind man I'm gonna make damn sure he's all ears.

SWEET GEORGIA BROWN
YOUR TEETH ARE KILLING ME, PAL.
YOU SEE THIS GUY'S TEETH, RICK?
MMM THEY'RE CRYING OUT TO LUCILLE
AND WE ALL KNOW
MY BABY GIRL SOMETIMES NEEDS A KISS
FROM A DIRTY, NAUGHTY BOY

>you ever wonder why boiling water softens potatoes but hardens eggs? All these fuckarounds get put in the water and go soft. Me? I've been boiled so many time I'm ready for my Easter paining

>there's a saying Ray: it goes "When in Rome, do as the Romans do". Well guess what, I'm in LA and I don't have a fuckin' clue what the Angelenos do. I crashed this girl's quinceanera the other day, brought a poncho and everything, they yelled at me and threw me out. I drove down to Compton to hang with some crips, they kicked my ass because they couldn't handle my 'tude. Can you believe that? So now I'm putting on my toga, and wherever I go Rome is coming with me. It's orgies and vomitoriums for everybody, Ray. Because as it turns out, once I go black you better believe I go back. Caspere knew this

>Sometimes it's not the milk that's bad, it's the cereal. Caspere knew this.

Once upon a time there was a little boy who grew up and became a man, and that man is all out of pancakes, Ray.

>my mother used to tell me that a watched pot never boils. Thing is Ray, I lost my glasses and all I've got is a saucepan.

>You know what, Ray? This city has a short fucking memory. One day you're at the beginning of a sentence standing tall and proud. The next day, you're smashed in the middle of a jumble of letters without anybody of knowing if you're an "i" or an "l." Thing is, Ray, I'm like a forgotten old tee, and nobody crosses me.

>It's all about living the dream, Ray. But if you're living the dream, how do you know if you're awake or asleep? Caspere knew this, and that's why he's never waking up again

>They say every dog has its day, Ray. But this kitty can't stop barking.

Lmao. Wtf Frank.

The success rate of these threads has always been one good Raypost in 10 or 20. In the initial days there would be multiple threads a day with the best ones getting reposted in the next one so you would end up with a handful of good ones.

There's a reason they call this a partician meme. But you know what guy, I'm Caesar and I took a shit in the Rubicon.

Haha 9/10

>Hopefully you can live the dream and not wake up dead.

>my wife told me that it's not the size of the waves but the motion of the ocean. Little did she know that it's her time of the month and I am Moses coming to part the Red Sea.

I had a perfect Vince post that came to me in a dream. It was about how life is a party but I'm the fucking piñata. The setting was a Mexican party at the border

>They say that two rights don't make a wrong, two wrongs don't make a right, or something like that. Whatever, my fists hurt and I'm tired of throwing punches.

>You may have asked yourself why Peter Piper got his pickled pepper picked? Let me tell you somethin', Ray, Peter Piper got his pickled pepper picked because Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Caspere knew this.

Acceptable to good.

Cool story, bro.

>They say two wrongs don't make a right, but two rights make a Wong, and I'm the fucking dog.

>They say no one has really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like. Well I have Ray, and the future's so bright I'm wearing fuckin' shades.

oh boy, here we go

best Sup Forums threads

ah fuck maybe I shouldn't rewatch s2 and just start watching S3 of Twin Peaks.

dun got me gud

...

>They say two in the pink, one in the stink, but that leaves two that need something to do.

>They say life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. Well Ray, I know that a box of chocolates is gonna be full of chocolate, if nothing else.

I will never not laugh at this.

>They tell you never bite the hand that feeds you. Thing is Ray, I'm a cannibal sick of eating fuckin' vegetables.

>Never lost my keys. Never even had a fucking keychain.

kek

>You know, Ray, I love pizza but sometimes there's ingredients on it that I... well, to be honest with you I just can't stomach. Sardines. Can't stand the little fuckers. Salty as hell, can't get the fishy taste out of your mouth. You know what interests me about sardines, Ray? They get packaged in those neat little cans and then they just sit there. In the dark. Blind, deaf, and dumb. Don't leave me in the dark, Ray. Don't make me a sardine, because I'm not one. I'm the fucking can opener.

>They say the early bird gets the worm, but have you ever tried eating worms? They're fucking disgusting.

Kek

>They always say "the early bird gets the worm."
Well Ray; it's half-past-midnight, the can is wide open, and this bird is about to have a feast.

>They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Well Ray, my horse drowned in the fucking river and now I'm backpacking up the Andes with a broken leg.

A penny saved is a penny earned, huh? Well I just cracked open my piggy bank, and there ain't nothing in there but dust and a couple of coupons.

>Someone once told me, if you can't take the heat, get outta the kitchen. Well I'm cranking up the oven and locking the fucking door.

>They say that one must travel a mile in someone elses shoes to see where they came from, what they didn't say was that the shoes are dirty and I don't have socks, so I now have athlete's foot Ray, I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow.

>They always tell you not to bite the hand that feeds. Well I just got my lunch and bit off that fucker's thumb. And you know what, Ray? I'm hungry for seconds.

>Elvis called himself a hounddog, said that he was crying all the time. Well, I'm not a hounddog, Ray, and Elvis died while taking a shit. I just took a shit, Ray. I'm not dead. What does that tell you?

kek

>Let me enlighten you on something here, Ray. When I was in my 20s I used to have an old black lab - cocker mix. His name was Ralphy. I loved that dog, Ray. At the time I felt that his presence centered me, kept my head screwed on straight. Every day we'd walk down to Johnny's Roasted Sandwich shop, you know the one down on 4th and Rosewood, and every day as we traversed these mean streets in pursuit of lunch meats I saw an angel. A real fucking beauty, Ray, the kind your moms always told you stay away from. Ten outta ten, a rare breed. One of these days during our walk my goddess approaches complimenting me on my companion. In that moment Ralphy was the best friend I could have ever asked for and more. He was a pussy magnet but this catch was one for the record books. She joined us for lunch and we flirted all afternoon over a 12" spicy meatball and coffee. The next thing I knew I was unclothed in her apartment. It was straight midnight, the owls were squawking like swordfish. She was radiant, Ray. My heart almost gave out in anticipation. Just the way the light illuminated her bare chest was enough to make me die and go to heaven. Slowly stripping her clothes were melting off her body and before me she laid bare in entirety. Well Ray in this moment it hits me like fuckin' Cassius Clay on an overcast Autumn day. She had a dick Ray! A fucking tranny! Well life can really fuck you over sometimes, buddy. All your best laid plans and hopes and dreams: all shit. Caspere knew this. I couldn't sit for a week.

>Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me, Ray. But what they never told me is that the world is a big fucking ball, and I've been rolling it all my life. Even Caspere knew this, and he's never been the sharpest tool in the shed.

god dammit
fuck you
i vomited from laughing so much

>They say you have to get it where you fit in. Problem is Ray, im the highschool retard, and i just got voted prom king.

>They say that the early bird catches the worm. Well Ray, I'm a fuckin owl and the early bird is eating the early worms that are getting the first bites of my shit. It's the circle of life and I lay down the line.

>people say wherever you go, there you are. Thing is Ray, I've never known where I am. Never even had a map.

apologies for the shitty pic, I had no idea.

My old man used to say that in life, you're either the guy that helps the woman across the street or the the guy that walks right passed her. But you know what, Ray? I realized that I'm neither. I'm the semi truck who runs them both over going 80 through a red light.

>They say sharks can smell blood in the water over a mile away. Thing is Ray, I'm anemic and can't swim.

>they always say 'keep your eye on the ball'. what they're not telling you is that you're playing with an empty box of pringles, Ray

I fucking love vinceposting

>They say you either see the glass half empty or the glass half full. Well, Ray, way I see it, it don't make a lick of difference to a wino...so bottoms up...

I had a nightmare once, Ray. I was in a room with my father. He had a belt in one hand, an empty bottle in the other, and tears in his eyes. I was naked. You know what I realized the next morning? I realized that I should probably sleep in the nude from now on, because my ass won't spank itself.

I killed a man once when I was 17. Guy begged me in beaner not to do it. But you know what Ray? I realized that I don't speak Spanish.

Is the glass half full or half empty? I dont know, I drink Pepsi and get trips.

its ok

>My wife told me that God helps those who help themselves. Problem is, Ray, is the Devil is in the details, and I'm helping myself to seconds.

>I once made a sex doll out of lasagne

>I called her Zoe Beschamel

I have always taken walks, Ray, every day of my life. All in the hopes of coming on a good friend. Until one day I realized I was the fuckin friend, Ray. And ain't no one gonna fuckin come on me, mate.

>Let me tell you a story, Ray. I'm a great fan of history, that's why they call me Mr. Wonderful. It comes from ancient Greek mythology. There was an old king named Tane-tale-luss. He was born into greatness, he was a son of the gods! He had everything he could ever want. One day, his father, the greatest of the gods, Zee-oos, invites him to eat at the heavenly banquet. When he gets there, he's tempted by the delicious drinks that the gods were drinking. He had everything a mortal could want, and yet he wasn't satisfied unless he could have the one thing forbidden to him! He steals the drink, and as punishment the gods starve him and put him in front of a tree with the juiciest apples he's ever seen. And each time he reaches for one, it pulls further away! That's you. You're Tane-tale-luss if you keep trying to scale with this bozo business model! As for me? Well, in a situation like that, I ain't reaching for nothing but my dick. It's the only thing that sticks around. Casper knew this. And for that reason, I'm out.

>When I tell people that I am a vegetarian, they ask me about the amount of respect I have for the sanctity of animals and say that it is tough or respectable to make such a decision. The the thing is I don't care about animals, I really just hate plants.

This is fucking hilarious fuck y'all for not acknowledging it

>Caspere kept asking me why I keep sticking my dick in steaming hot piles of cheese. After all these years, you know why I do it?

>because it's fond-to-due, Ray

>because it's fond-to-due

You know Ray, my mother always told me if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. Well I got nothin' to say, Ray. And I'm sayin' all of it