/hench/

How's the henchman life? Post any tips, secrets, gossip, battleplans, etc..

I'm interning with Doom right now.

Does this guy EVER stop talking about himself???

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>implying the greatness that is DOOM would ever trust human helpers and not robots build to mimic DOOM's own personality

You what bothers me? How come heroes never have their own mooks? They should, it would make things easier if the good guys had some backup.

No, he doesn't. But if you were him and the only black marks on your achievements were "getting pushed in by Reed Richards" wouldn't you talk about yourself?

Anyway though, my personal tip for anyone wanting to be a henchman: join SHIELD first. They take practically anyone, their training means it'll help you survive and you'll know how to maneuver, and they're so often infiltrated or deal with traitors they won't be surprised when you go AWOL.

Alternatively, you can sign up for Taskmaster's Henching school. That does cost a hell of a lot though. But from what I've heard, it's worth it. Assuming you find a decent villain to work with.

Spock had.

kimpossible.wikia.com/wiki/Jack_Hench

hench/co/'s founder

Damn, even through that mask you can tell how happy he is. How can Namor tell him not to blow that horn, just knowing anyone in this world can be so happy makes me smile.

to be fair, heroes technically do. They're called Police, and they suck so much even we kick their asses. That's why the heroes tend to go alone.

Also, if you think Doom is bad about self-congratulatory behavior, then don't work for Nemesis in the Paragon/Rogue Isle areas. Guy will ALWAYS claim something was his plot, or went all according to his plan, even after his shit gets pushed in.

Fucker acts like he's Tzeentch's gift to plotting.

Actually, avoid the Paragon/Rogue Isle scene period. You think Gotham or New York's full of superpowered loonies and assholes? You never know humiliation until an edgelord furry attacks you with tentacles that listlessly waggle around your feet.

When The Leader asks during the interview if you have any experience with gamma radiation exposure, just show him your green hair you dyed the night before.

It works everytime.

And when the Hulk comes, simply leave instead of sticking around. You wont get in trouble because management doesnt want to waste time training a new guy.

I'm planning on working as an hench to pay for my villain studies.

Who is the best boss for a mook without experience?

mate, you never know what you're gonna expect with these fancy dressed up loonies

So as someone who's henched for The Red Skull before, I figured that I should clear up some misconceptions about what it's like. Since Skull's shut out of a lot of the traditional methods of henchman recruitment, everyone and their mother seems to spread all sorts of rumors about what it's like.

>The turnover rate

One of the biggest misconceptions about Red Skull is that he kills off henchmen on a whim. This isn't exactly too far from the truth. Skull's got a bad temper and if you're a fuckup, he won't hesitate to pull the trigger on you. The good news is though, if you're NOT a fuckup and you're genuinely valuable, he'll reward you better than most other employers. Skull's operation is probably one of the most well-oiled meritocracies I've worked in. If you've got your shit together and show promise right off the bat, you can expect a promotion by the end of the first week. And the closer you get to his inner circle, the more he takes care of you. Let me put it this way: I've never henched for anyone else who rewards their right hand man by letting him fuck his daughter. And don't think Skull doesn't reward loyalty either- if you get caught by circumstances beyond your control and do some jail time for him, he'll reward you too.

>The Stigma

This is the stuff where the rumors are generally true. You can kiss any future henching gigs with Dr. Doom goodbye, he has a strong "no Red Skull sympathizers allowed" policy. Some of the more legit anti-Mutie guys will shun you too, since that's bad PR and they try to stay legit. HYDRA *might* pick you up, but it's a hard sell and mostly depends on your track record as well as whoever's running the group. Wilson Fisk WILL hire you, but there's a strong glass ceiling there because of personal beef between him and Skull. Likewise, Skull WILL deem you a traitor. And trust me, when you're taking a career path that will burn as many bridges as this one, you don't want to piss Skull off.

>The work environment

Working for Red Skull is a pretty mixed bag. The good news is that Red Skull is pretty tolerant: in spite of his Nazi origins, he'll gladly take on gays, slavs, the disabled, etc. Basically his only rules are no jews and no muties. The bad news is that the other guys aren't so tolerant. There's a good chance that when you first get brought in, you'll be surrounded by skinhead true believers who get picked up straight out of the Aryan Brotherhood. Even though these guys are mostly just going to wind up as disposable cannon fodder, if they find out that you're not some aryan ideal, they'll turn on you in a second. And when it comes to hench-on-hench violence, Red Skull is one of those guys with a "survival of the fittest" quality.

>Jail time

Not gonna lie, it's pretty bad. If you're an associate of Red Skull, the United States apparently decides your constitutional rights don't apply anymore. If you're just a normal henchman, you're looking at a few years in a federal penitentiary regardless of what happens. They don't give a rat's ass about what you actually did, you're an accomplice to pretty much everything everyone in his outfit does, and that means they WILL use "Hate Crime" laws to make sure you get the harshest sentence. It's worse if you get in the inner circle- that's when you go straight to one of those SHIELD black sites, no trial or anything.

If you can prove that you worked for the Red Skull in prison though, you're virtually a made man. Again, a lot of those skinhead gangs will worship the ground you walk on. Also even if you just mostly did logistics work, EVERYONE assumes that you're a stone-cold killer. Some of my coworkers have done time after getting arrested by Captain America himself, and they tell me you get HUGE props for facing down Cap. If you get hit with the shield? Fucking 10/10, you're a hero for the cause and you can get away with anything.

What a swell guy.

I gotta say, I was pretty juiced when I got to hench for Black Cat. She's such an effing hottie and hot pants? Do you even have to ask? Sure I hit that. Still got the scars on my back to show for it. Gettin' the crap beaten out of me by Spider-Man wasn't great, but it was a hell of a lot better than henching for Kraven.

Daredevil?

What are you doing in this thread?

I actually came to /co this evening with the intention of doing a hench thread.

>see random goon get a chance to be joker's lackey
>declines the offer
Good job getting more careers you pussy

So, I applied here as sort of a joke. I mean I hadn't done a whole lot of henching, but I was pretty sure I was on their radar for something. Imagine my surprise when I passed their background check! I had checked one of my joke interests as 'cooking' and I hadn't cooked anything but meth and street-level cocaine buffering. Lo and behold they send me to the kitchen! And it is a total corden bleu setup and they've got chefs. Well, they started training me up and I never looked back. I never really thought about it before, but villains and heroes gotta eat. I bet Kingpin has top level chefs in his kitchens. I'm working as a full chef in Doom's kitchens now and it's great! Rents pretty cheap in Latveria and the girls....well, Doom has a lot of throwaways and he's pretty generous to people who can make a proper sauce Bearnaise. My advice is to try anything and see where it leads you. What could go wrong?

>Post any tips, secrets, gossip, battleplans, etc..
He's trying to steal your hench-secrets! Do not trust this man's lies!

Police officers (unless they actively fight against the hero) and SHIELD agents.

A'ight, a lot of people ask why anyone even bothers to hench for Joker, when the chances of getting killed are so high. What you gotta understand is that henchmen world is much like the joint. When you're inside it's a whole different world. Different lingo, rules and stigma. Henching for the clown is like a rite. You dun it and you alive? Shit, you can hench for anyone now, mate. They respect you. Even the big guys respect that. You know this guy Killer Moth? Dude treated me like shit 'til he found it I've been through the Joker ride and came out. He basically made me his right arm after that for his whole operation (which didn't last long, anyway).
Sure, all the time you're working for the Joker you actually are hoping the bat comes as soon as possible and puts the fucker in the looney bin again, so you can move on, maybe be an enforcer at the Ice Lounge, but that's the life, ya know? Can't get to the top from the start.

So, get this.

I was part of a big group of HYDRA militants that took down those stolen H.A.M.M.E.R. Helicopters, Fury's idiots had commandeered.

Oh man. The screams, the stench. Oh you had to be there.

Glad the old cyclops has finally disappeared.

>The Wetwork

Here's the deal: Red Skull doesn't rob banks or sell drugs. Red Skull is about killing people. He loves mass slaughter. His goal has moved away from simply taking over the world and more towards flat-out murdering Captain America and everyone at SHIELD. And I'm guessing that when he finishes that, his plans for taking over the world involve a LOT of murder. So if you're gonna Hench for Red Skull, you gotta nut up and live with the fact that you are part of a terrorist organization dedicated to violent slaughter. The quicker you make your piece with that, the better.

And yes, it is possible to work for Skull without actually killing someone yourself. Killing someone isn't a mandatory initiation rite or rite of passage or whatever. Point is though, Skull's a killer, and he likes killers. So once he sees that you can pull the trigger on someone without hesitation, you get his personal seal of approval. Granted, that doesn't exempt you from getting a face full of 9mm if you REALLY screw the pooch, but it puts you on the "fast track", so to speak.

Anyway, I'll go over some other stuff:

>Red doesn't like yes-men or people who question him. If he asks you your opinion and you don't like his idea, just zip it. He appreciates the show of deference.

>Crossbones is a cool motherfucker. Easily one of the nicest, most laid-back guys I've ever worked for in spite of the tough-guy attitude he puts on for the public. Apparently he went to Taskmaster's school, and if you're a graduate, he'll fast-track you into being one of his guys. Just don't fuck with Sin OR the Skull himself, or you're a dead motherfucker.

>Being well-read helps you out a TON. Red Skull's least sadistic hobby is reading, and he's got a great literary collection. If you show genuine interest in his library, it'll impress the FUCK out of him.

>The general attitude is that Brock is the son Skull wished he had gotten instead of Sin. Rumor has it that Skull himself says it just to fuck with Sin.

>been through the Joker ride

Alright, everyone has a Joker story. What's yours?

You know how Mr. J is when he gets the idea for some scene he wants to pull, right? Well, he told us it was time for our performance reviews and got all dressed up in his Wall Street Suit and handed us file folders. Now, I waited a bit before I opened mine up. You NEVER be the first person to open a container Mr J hands out. NEVER. Nobody got punched, gassed, punch or poisoned right off the bat, so I opened mine up. It's done in crayon, of course, but the categories were all like, "funniness" "Ability to take a punch," Ability to take a joke," Abliltiy to take a joke about a punch," and then there was this summary. "You are doing fairly well in categories 3 and 4 but you need to maximize your potential in the other 8" I don't remember much more of it, because it turned into confetti. But what kind of performance reviews do other villains do?

anyone can tell me if Taskmaster Training Camps are worth the dough?
i need to keep my alimony checks on a monthly basis and i wanna know if ill get my money's worth

What's the pay like?

...

If you're starting, it's pretty weak. You're basically a volunteer for the cause. Once you actually show your worth and become a certified employee, you can expect some serious payouts though. I hear from the old guard that it used to be that nobody got paid and it was a loyalty thing, but Skull read up on Lee Kwan Yew and agreed that high paydays meant more loyalty and made guys harder to bribe. It also made them happier and improved efficency. And you know how Germans are about efficency.

Whats a passing score on the AIM test? My marksmanship is shit. Should I bother applying?

You sound like the kind of trooper we need!

can you throw a punch, follow instructions, perform basic mathematics, use a rapid fire weapon?

if yes, do so.

Note being deficiant in some areas may lead to...modifications of a permanent nature.

He actually had us to steal a state-of-the-art piece of tech from LexCorp that was being transferred across the state and was going to pass by Gotham's docks on the way. When we get inside the cargo boat we knew right away it wasn't a out of the mill heist, boat was fancy shit, he couldn't cut through the hull with our stuff. We boarded and shot like 3 guards with home-made silencers that Harley taught us how to make, but the locks were a bitch, took my pal Stan about three hours to open it, it was fucking hell for me cause I get sea sick. Finally, Stan goes "Open Sesame", I was going to jump right in and be the first there just so I could see something different and take my mind off the waves, good thing I didn't, in retrospect, instead this new guy, Bill I think, burst the container open like a fucking kid. I could tell J got this one from Arkham. Well, wouldn't you know, inside they had a paid merc waiting for us. Who? Only Killer fucking Croc, the reptile freak show. Beast moved like a lightning and tore Bill's rib cage open. We start shooting but all we had was 22 pistols with these shitty silencers, we weren't expecting actual muscle power and boss said no assault rifles.

The walls and floor looked like a fucking Jackson Pollock painting, if he only had red paint left. You think I even bothered shooting the scaly bastard? I let them took all sweet attention with the fire, while I sneaked the container like I was some sort of slug, sliding through the floor. Got the tech, lit a flare and threw on Croc's nose, jumped on the water. Fucking Gotham water, man, I could smell it for weeks. When I get back to the clown, I'm a mix of bile, nasty water and blood. I thought I was going to cry but I was afraid he'd feel compelled to make me laugh, so I man'd up. I give him the piece of trash, dude's quite happy, unpacks it like a christmas gift, then... get this... he just hangs it above the fireplace of the old hideout we were using for a few months. He just liked how the fucking thing looked as an ornament. He had no fucking idea what it did, it could blow a hole to the phantom zone for all I know, and it was hanging there for the rest of the summer. What a class A cunt.

I totally get why most employers respect those of us who survived time with the Joker. It's gotten me quite a few jobs.

I'd say it's worth it if you're dedicated.

But, honest question: anyone here ever thought maybe... JUST MAYBE you've honed enough skill to try striking out on your own?

I mean, I've been henching for nearly ten years now, taken classes, worked with all kinds of villains, and before henching I was actually training to be a cop and used to do martial arts. I've even survived ten seconds against Spider-man. FUCKING SPIDER-MAN (okay, he spent nine of those seconds talking and making fun of my costume.)

It's not like I don't respect all the other villains I've worked for, it's just... I feel like I have to try it at least once. Anyone know this feel? Would striking out on my own, becoming my own villain burn too many bridges?

I watched his car once, he paid me in monooply money and rode off laughing.

all things considered could've been worse.

Depends on what you mean by 'striking out on your own.' I've done it, but I'm not some weirdo with a deathray fetish or some guy who wants to kill spiderman because the wallcrawler made fun of my monkey suit and punched me a lot. (seriously it's spiderman. One time I told him I was having a really bad day and wasn't feeling it and he let me walk if I promised to try and sort my life out.) I do this shit for money, if you have the experience and the gadgets you can make brisk business if you know what you're doing.

You gotta follow some rules though.

1: Walk Away- there's guys you don't fight. No I don't care if you're being promised a million dollars if Thor (the real one, not that pretender with tits who's gonna be dead or on some fucking planet no one's ever heard of in a year) smashes through the cieling you drop everything and walk.

2: no world domination. No I don't care if Doom says he's totally gonna pull it off this time, you politely state you have prior arrangements and hide out in your bunker with anyone you give a fuck about till the ruckus is done and get back to whatever it was you were doing once the shit is done with.

3: always have an escape plan: you're a criminal, the man who runs away to fight another day is the man who is still alive at the end of the day. This is a job, a high risk one. Winding up in prison is for amatuers and dying is for losers. There's dozens of options here, magic, science, mutant talents etc. You got no excuse for not having a way out.

4: no arching: This has never been profitable for anyone and as courtship rituals go it's more than a little ineffective.

Actually, that reminds me, I should probably explain what's going on right now with the organization. See, I work in the armory, mostly just maintenance stuff. It's how I got to know Crossbones, I'm the guy who tapes his magazines together.

Anyway, so part of the problem is that, as great as he is, our boss is still in his 80's. That means when it comes to technology, he's hopelessly in over his head. He knows it too, he's just too proud to admit it. So a lot of us armory techs were pushing for a new weapons program because the G3s that we've been using for decades now are costing tons of money in maintenance plus ammo. We made a huge push to switch from 7.62 to 5.56, even got Brock in on it. The only problem though, is that Red Skull wants us to adopt the G36 instead of any of the 5.56 rifles we recommended. I don't know how many /k/ommandos there are here, but the G36 is awful. It's a clunky, overpriced block of plastic that melts and jams and causes all sorts of problems. We've tried explaining to him that the rifle sucks and H&K costs a fuckton to get weapons from and everything else. But at the end of the day, Red Skull is a bitter old Kraut (his words), and goddammit he loves his Kraut guns. I'm told he actually tried to get us to adopt the G11 once, for fuck's sake.

I don't know, I broke into the business as a tech guy, not a grunt. I know that if you're a grad you can get a ton of leverage in most hiring processes (including ours). Regardless of skill, Taskmaster's got a great reputation.

So as guys active in NYC, I gotta ask: How bad is the Punisher problem? I've heard some people say it's an absolute nightmare, other folks say it's really overexaggerated. When I was doing time in Jersey there were dudes who were flat-out terrified and would have a panic attack if you even said "Punisher" out loud.

thanks for the advice, going by that, I think I'll sleep on it a bit longer and maybe try to get an enforcer job with a few more heavy hitters or big organizations.

I feel like I'm experiencing an early mid-life crisis and more want to just say 'yeah, I led my own gang and took on the biggest of the capes and walked away alive' (if not even be able to say I beat them before getting my shit pushed) and just don't really have any sort of 'big plan'. And definitely not World Domination, but I feel like if I'm gonna strike out on my own and form my own group, there's gotta be a big job or three already lined up.

...

>I'm interning with Doom right now.

You mean you're part of the Latverian Military?

Also, why are you so Unpatriotic to Doctor DOOM, lord and King of Latveria, Long May He Reign?

General adcvice:
>find someone with a gimmick, that means you get cool toys
>have a good dentist, teeth WILL get broken
>Never be the one to bring bad news to the boss
>if a cape shows up role with the punches and pretend to get knocked out, don't bother fighting back unless the boss is watching
And most importantly, stay the fuck away from gotham.

this is all pretty solid advice.

Sorry, man, I know guns but I don't know them well enough to explain WHY some are just better than others.

As far as the Punisher goes, he's not a huge problem for most people to my knowledge. In fact, he seems to focus mostly on the mafia and more normal villains of cities. So as long as you stick with folks like Redskull (who, no offense, but seriously should have been visited by The Punisher A LONG time ago, so I don't think he'll ever swing by if he hasn't already) you'll be fine.

I sure hope none of you ever trust heroes

I believed in Spider-Man. He goes and hires a bunch of muscle and I figure that maybe this would work out. After all I didn't wanna have to risk being put to jail just for trying to put food on the table.

At first, life was good. He pushed us hard, but because he wanted the best out of us. He was a pretty cool boss, he even let us all ride the robots and carry a bunch of cool gadgets. He was so concerned for our safety we even got Spider cams so he could be alerted if any of us were attacked. Everything was great, he paid us well and we were celebrated like heroes. Life was good.

Something happened though. He started telling jokes and ,and started taking away all the gadgets, and stuff. I thought we were just going to get upgrades for them, but that wasn't it.

Suddenly I get the notice, me and the other guys are laid off. We've got nowhere to go now. Can't work for any villains, because we've got the stigma of working for the Spider. With no income and a target on my back my family has cut all ties with me, I'm all alone.

I have no idea what to do. Why did he do it /hench/? Why did Spider-Man sell us out? I'll probably never know, but let me tell you what I do know:You can NEVER trust a "hero."

I hear it's because the dude you worked for wasn't actually Spider-man. It was like Chameleon or someone impersonating him and trying to prove they could be better. So the one who fired you was actually the real Spider-man.

Also technically means a hero didn't hire you.

I heard the guy worships the Devil. Don't get hung up on it, dude's a weirdo.

you ever start to think maybe you're actually a doombot in disguise? just living out a false life, unwittingly waiting for the trigger phrase that'll erase everything you are and turn you back into a mere proxy?

I'll give you guys one piece of advice. Stay, the fuck away from any job which has the potential to involve Wolverine.

And I don't mean that girl whose just taken on his name. No, I mean the original Wolverine, the fucking midget with claws.

That guy... he scares the living shit out of me. And before say something like, 'Do more henching, scrub' I have.' I've worked for Owl, then when he took the throne for a while Hood after that I did a bit of direct work for Kingpin.

But, nothing and I mean, nothing could have prepared me for Wolverine.

Alright, a bit of context. For about a month or so, I was bouncing around, doing a couple of odd jobs for a few no-names, got a bit of crash, then... my friend Steve, a guy who I met while working for Owl gave me a ring. Said there was position in the Hellfire Club's pawns. Pay was good, far better than a lot of other gigs, as these guys were all rich as shit. So, figuring what the hell, I sign up.

Do a few jobs, give myself a reputation for being reliable and keep my job, hell I made quite a few friends. Then... It happens.

That awful goddamn night. See, me and Steve, we were just about to get off duty. Then, there was yell on the radio. Guy called Francis said he saw some kind of monster. So, me and Steve go to check it out.

We found the monster alright... Except it was not a monster. It was fucking demon spawned from the bowels of hell itself. Hell the entire fucking scene looked like something which you'd expect to come from some kind of old catholic paintings.

The first hint that we got something was wrong was the smell. It smelled like we had just walked into a copper mine. So, we keep going down the hall, till Steve walks into something wet.

I thought that it was some wine one of us had spilled after our bosses gave us after a day of work. I mean, there is a reason those guys get flooded with job requests. Anyway, just to make sure or because he was a bit weird, Steve takes a lick. Then he spits it out.

I cut myself 3 months ago, didn't stop 'til it reached the bone, then I was relieved. Fucking paranoia is getting to me. Or maybe it's just the coke.

I considered it, occasionally took a test. Blood tests, etc.

But Doom probably could make Doombots so convincingly biological you wouldn't be able to tell. Honestly, I learned to just try to enjoy the life I've got right now, not to sound like some simple minded thug.

jesus, man, sounds like you've had it rough. Yeah, I've served a lot of villains before and met plenty of heroes but I've never run into Wolverine or Punisher.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here if I had.

the punisher is dangerous but he targets normal crime.

usually.

He's one of the people I keep an eye out for and walk away from unless I'm looking at a significant payout. The main issue is that he's a war vet and approached ops with a military mindset...which is what I do.

We differ though in that I graduated from hench to free agent and he's got a pathological urge to kill criminals.

usually he sticks to mundane weapons but Ive seen an old power armor suit one of his tech guys made. (primitive, but the HMG he made it forlugging around was the real threat) he'll use rayguns, magic, pym particles...whatever he can get his hands on.

so yeah Id fight him if I thought he wasn't expecting a freelance merc but If Im on hand he probably knows.

in which case asia is looking good that time of year.

"It's blood."

That's what Steve said before he spat the stuff out. I took his word for it and called the others telling them we had an intruder.

Then there was a scream. It was from Francis, you know, the guy I said told us about the intruder.

So Steve and I take our rifles' safety off and turned around the corner. Then we see the guy. Dressed in yellow costume splattered with blood, claws about the same color. There is no mystery about where the blood's come from as there is a pile of corpses. The worse part about it is the smile on his face. This guy didn't kill because he felt obligated to. He killed because he enjoyed it.

Anyway, me and Steve opened fire. We filled the guy with enough lead to kill an elephant. But that guy didn't fucking waver. Hell, with that same smile, he said "That the best you got", the he lunged. Stabbed Steve straight in the chest. I would like to stay this is the moment where I leaped in and stabbed the guy, did some awesome shit. But, I didn't.

I was pissing my pants as the guy ripped the claws from my friend's chest and walked up to me. He cut my gun in half when I tried to swing it at him, then he slashed me across the chest. It was at that moment the Calvary arrived.

Pawns showed up and manged to surround the guy. These guys were highly trained people, probably would have taken Daredevil and Spidey a bit of effort to take down. This guy ripped them to pieces.

In fact, that was the only reason I survived. I managed to crawl under the bodies and fake being dead. After that, well... I continued working Hellfire, managed to actually get a promotion.

But then, after those brats took over I quit when they started targeting Wolverine. I mean, I would like nothing more than to see that miserable piece of shit die, but realistically speaking, I know that's not possible for me to do that.

Currently I'm bouncing around and thinking of starting my own crew. I mean, you only live once right?

shit man, sorry to hear you went through that kind of bullshit. Also, striking out on your own, huh?

Well, needs employment and I had been considering being a bit of my own hench here So... What if the three of us came together? I know you want to be leader, but I got an idea to pitch:

See, we'd need some police radios or just good radios in general and listen in on cape frequencies, police bands, and even eavesdrop on other villains.

Why? So we can find out when one of the big fishies are pulling a bit job.

While that happens and all the police and capes are busy, what we'd do is go and hit up things like pawnshops, jewelry stores, or even snatch the registers from grocery stores.

Thing is, we hit the lowhanging fruit.

We don't hit whole banks, we don't rob museums, and we stick to mundane methods. If Tony Stark flies up to us drunk and tells us to valet park his armor for him, we keep walking. The second we put ourselves as a meta-human level threat, it makes the metahumans really come down on us. I don't even mean capes either, other villains might start to assume we're trying to upstage them, so we gotta be careful.

youtube.com/watch?v=ZnI8mQvcNX0

Thread theme.

Sounds good. Hell it sounds brilliant.

As for running my own crew... I just want a bit of independence. You know, control of my own life.

Though, there is one thing I would definitely say we need to do. We need to ensure that if were ever get anything that would make us a 'threat', we either never use it, or make sure that we know exactly what it does before we do any shit with it.

Hey, you got no arguments from me there, boss.

On that note we probably oughta also make sure we don't hit any places near shit like chemical plants, nuclear reactors, etc.

You know, just to be safe and not super.

this seriously sounds like a great premise for a comic series or even an indie game. A bunch of former henchmen strike out on their own with a plan to underachieve in a world filled with gods and monsters.

>working for capes
I could as well apply for SHIELD.

So I've been with Hydra for a few months and things seem to be going along great. However it doesn't quite feel like a safe environment for males. Anyone else Hydra here feel like this? Was thinking of bringing this up to the union but I'm not quite ready to end up in an acid pit or field test with broken shield up against blood thirsty shield.

Just... walk away as fast and discreetly as possible, man. Or ask for a transfer.

Madame Hydra is a fucking man-eater. And woman-eater. I'm pretty sure she's also molested a few kids and robots too.

I could imagine a series being called something like 'Villains for Hire (Probably)' or something like that. From this thread, the main characters are similar to the guys written in , , . It is kind of a Blackadder comedic tone, where the protagonists desperately try to avoid any big fish in the sea. I also feel though it could be quite the feelsy experience as the world is not safe for mooks and the clash between their personal lives and jobs. I mean, regardless of what way they try to justify it, these guys are still breaking the law. In fact, I actually think I might try my hand at trying to write an outline for a basic story

your dubs affirm you must.

Hold on, let me get this straight. Otto actually hired a bunch of goons, putting them to constructive hero work, but once Peter regained control of his body, he fired them all, making it likely that they'll go back to working for villains for end's meat?

>Suddenly I get the notice, me and the other guys are laid off. We've got nowhere to go now. Can't work for any villains, because we've got the stigma of working for the Spider. With no income and a target on my back my family has cut all ties with me, I'm all alone.
... Oh, that's a good point, actually. Fuck you, Parker.

Though at least Peter has the excuse that the writers never let him be less shitty. There's very little excuse for why rich heroes and teams like the Justice League don't hire some goons.

...

So what about henching off-Earth? Anybody henching in space?

Alright... Not a lot but I managed to create the paste for a trio of characters who would serve as the main protagonists of this kind of series in the Marvel-verse

Shit, I forgot to put in the actual paste.
pastebin.com/WcSBMyyV

>USA /hench/
>complaining about workplace security

YEE

>pastebin.com/WcSBMyyV
Good, good.

I've mostly heard rumors from a dude who worked on Asteroid M (apparently, you don't need to have a 'useful' mutation if all you want is to do janitorial work. guy got in because he's a chimera) and apparently the scene's mostly summed as 'crazy'.

how's the scene out of the US?

Besides the Rogue Isles I mean.

Superheroeing is mostly non-lucrative, hence no henchs.

Spock had his mooks, as other anons said. And in the book "Mighty Avengers" with Luke Cage, Kaluu, She-Hulk and other dudes, they had a large number of volunteers.

Anyone else here worked for Two-Face? Can't stand that guy. Partly 'cause he was the first lawyer to put me away back when he was still practicing. But mostly it's 'cause that stupid coin gimmick of his has gotten us busted more time than it needed to.

If you don't mind getting run over by a motorcycle, getting kicked constantly, and have to humiliate yourself because all your co-workers are autists, it's not that different from US.
We just have a higher mortality rate. I got a cousin working as a janitor in this giant drug company or shit that do experiments on humans and animals. He told me about the times people in fruit samurai armor running around.

Yeah I bet She-Hulk had a lot of volunteers, hell I'd ditch the boss to volunteer with her if she asked

Post based uniforms.

Case in point

Punisher? Naw son. You don't want to mess around when Punisher is out'n'about. Y'see, Spiderman, Daredevil, other street-level hero types will knock your teeth in, then you spend a minute in club fed. Punisher doesn't play *any* of that shit. He's a killer, born'n'bred. He's the villain *to* the villain.

I heard he shot Wolverines nuts off then ran him over with a steamroller once. And they were allies.

My advice is that if you even *might* run into Punisher, just walk away.

Anybody else noticing how much shit is in flux these days in regards to the heroes? I tell ya, for years you knew what you were getting into most of the time with these guys, but now it's like they all passed the torch on at once or something.

Not too long ago, you knew if you saw Iron Man, you'd be getting Stark. Thor is Thor. Cap is Cap. Spidey is Spidey. Now you get some fuckin' grab bag of new shit every time. Falcon is Cap now. Thor's a dame. Spidey hires henchmen, fires them, and now he's shorter and wears a black suit or something. The Hulk is some sort of show-off now. I've heard from my cousin in Jersey that Ms. Marvel is some Muslim girl that shape-shifts now. Now, Stark is bringing in some black girl to be Iron Man. That don't even make any sense!

I swear, things used to be a lot more stable. Are these rumors about some masked girl in pink working for AIM true? I am THIS close to taking my severance package and going back to carjacking.

I'm a Peridot working on Homeworld and I heard an old coworker of mine; Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG, went rogue and betrayed our people.

Anyone else have any stories to share about coworkers going rogue or betraying their masters?

So, I'm doing my time with the Joker, and we got trounced by the Bat, of course. Another guy on the crew used to be with Two-Face, so we're hiding out in one of the Face's old headquarters. Joke and Harley are up on room and they seriously sound like--I don't know, so me and Les are poking around the downstairs. There's all sorts of shit around--two of everything, of course. Les is showing me some of the bigger stuff, when I find a box labeled "Rejects" Some of the shit looks good. There's a Rolex, bunch of guns, and this clamshell thing. I liked the look of the clamshell so I opened it up. I couldn't believe it, but there was a gold coin sitting there. Les heard me exclaim, so he waddled over, so I asked him, Why is this a reject?" He told me to open it up again. I did so, and it was empty.

That explained it, he said, "It only made one gold coin. See, if it made two of them, Face would have been all over it."

I'm asking him what he meant about it 'making' gold coins, but that's when the lights went out. I knew what was coming so I put the clam in my pocket and sure as shit both of us got cold-cocked by the Bat. I woke up while the fight was still going on upstairs and slipped out. I was actually thinking I could walk away from the life at that point. I had my own gold-making machine, right?
It took a while.
The clam needed a whole day to recycle,

So, guess my advice is always keep your eyes open. Never know what you might pick up.

not quite, but the good news is that if your friend defected to here on earth, it'll be easier for her to find a new henching job since most villains here don't worry if you defected from your alien empire.

and generally, betrayal is not looked kindly on.

MODOK is very gay.

>implying OP isnt a DOOMbot

How to deal with sexual harassment at the work place? The door to the HR office leads to a bottomless pit I think

Survival of the fittest, if someone is harassing you then you must sexually violate them in order to establish dominance.

Where do YOU work geez.

Hey guys I work for Luthor, I know from experience that when Scarecrow or any of the Bat's rogues notice you and start being nice its a good time to get out normally by Batman related injury... But what if Lex stops by to give you a bonus for and I quote "Not screwing up" after a mission where everything went south, because one of the other henches took a pot shot at some kid, next thing we know Shazam is literally right there...
Managed to get away, and best part we finished the mission. On a side note anyone in downtown Metropolis may want to go on vacation... last I saw Lex he had a Motherbox, this bodes badly.

By the way are any of the Villains in Jump City hiring? I hear the Titans are pretty cool to henches, Supes is nice and all but good lord does he get annoying.

So its a normal HR office then.

Red Skull user here, I can confirm that this is generally the truth. Basically the boss is "old fashioned" which means no henchwomen outside of Sin (who, again, is already taken and lord help you if you so much as look at her wrong) so yeah, it quickly becomes something like prison.

I won't go into details about the stuff that can go down, but there's a reason Red Skull gave me some of his correspondence with Ernst Rohm for my last birthday.

Kek

At least you got the decency of having the actual Bat show up to kill the party. The last job I did, I couldn't even get that.

I was part of the crew that was sent down to the docks to pick up a shipment that Penguin was expecting. Don't know what it was; The big bird didn't pay us to ask questions. Anyway, me and the guys get to the docks early, and we're just waiting in the van for the boat to show up. Guy in shotgun has to take a leak, so he gets out. Ten minutes pass, he doesn't come back, so two more dudes get out to find him. It was a really foggy night, so we think the guy got lost on the way back to the van. This time, we actually hear one of them yell before vanishing, so the rest of the guys grab their guns head out to investigate, leaving me with the van so I can take care of the shipment if it shows up before they get back.

I'm outside the van keeping watch and guess who lands in front of me. Not the Bat, but one of his freaking bird-boys, Nightwing. Thought this jerkweed was operating in some other city.

Punk beats my face in, ties me up, and drags me to an alleyway the rest of the guys, also beaten and tied up. Nightwing got them, too. The Bat wasn't even here.

If you're going to be a henchmen, you should at least try to do it with a smile

No shit. Totally sucks when you're working for a serious villain and you get trounced by the C-team. Like you're cleaning out banks right and left with Two-Face and then you get SLAMMED by whatever the fuck, and when you can breathe again, you discover that it was the Teen Fucking Titans! Hate that.

I dunno, personally, I like the titans, nightwing, batgirl way more than the proper bats.

I mean, shit, Batman claims he doesn't kill, but I know plenty of guys who have died from long-term after effects of his beat downs. One of my early runningmates when I worked for two face got bad pneumonia from having pretty much all his ribs busted and didn't pull through.

I hear HIVE is always looking for folks to do the literal heavy lifting on their jobs so they can focus on the other aspects of the job.

But if you ask me, I still think supes is the best hero to fight if you want to walk away. You'd think a guy who basically felt no pain and can compact iron so tightly it turns into uranium would fill up the morgues, but trust me, I've taken an uppercut from the guy while I was midair and still remained conscious, if stinging like hell.

Also, fun tip for new Yorkers out there: read up tvtroope wiki before you confront Deadpool, you might be able to distract him by feigning some "fourth wall breaking".

Yeah, it's been weird lately. Like I also heard supes lost his powers for a bit and Catwoman was dead.

Becoming a super: yay or nay?

Honestly, when you look at both heroes and villains, it seems more trouble than it's worth.

But it depends on the power. I mean if I had super intelligence, I'd get my computer engineering degree and work at Google or Microsoft.

>going super

Enjoy getting mistaken for a mutie and then shot or enlisted in some freak militia, lol

>Believing conspiracy theorists and their "Malta anti-metahuman organization" myths

Yeah, tell me another good one

I was having a good day and then this asshole reminds me CoH was killed before its time

Nay, unless you have A-tier or better powers the straight and narrow doesn't pay off.

>tfw mutie