I have a cold sore and I wrote a Seinfeld script about George giving oral herpes to the gang...

I have a cold sore and I wrote a Seinfeld script about George giving oral herpes to the gang. I can post it here if anyone's interested.

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...

The Sore

Cold open: Jerry’s Standup
Jerry: You ever get the feeling all the other patients are judging you at the free clinic? Like they're thinking “wonder what he's got? Doesn't wanna sit down, must be serious” or “wow she's attractive, what a shame.” You know what I want? A TRULY free clinic. A JUDGEMENT free clinic. “Oh you got the crabs? I had them last week, truly divine.” Why do they have to call them crabs anyway? Just about ruined a perfectly good seafood. Why not call them what they are? Sex mites.

Scene: George’s parents house, they’re eating dinner. George is looking at his reflection in a spoon and rubbing his lip.
Frank: Whatsamatter with you, all that rubbing?
Estelle: He’s just trying to look HANDsome. I TOLD him I saw ANETTE Buckner at the SUPERmarket
George: Anette Buckner? Buckner the Interrupter? She’d interrupt anybody, even the teacher when she had the chance! No, Ma, it’s my lip! It’s really itchy, I got this bump-
Frank: A BUMP?!
Estelle: You should TALK to her, she ASKED about you!
George: No Ma! I don’t-I haven’t seen her since the sixth grade
Estelle: But you made an IMPRESSION! I don’t know WHY-
Frank: HE WAS A HANDSOME CHILD!
Estelle: I DID dress him WELL. Anyway, she’s workin’ over at the free clinic down by your old middle school.
[George’s interest is piqued]
George: Free clinic?
Estelle: Yeah! Can you believe it? A PHLEBOTOMIST!
Frank:What, she works with phlegm? Because I got this
[Frank starts hacking and snorting]
Estelle: NO! She-
George: She runs blood tests! Right Ma? That-that clinic, do they um, do they um test for um
Estelle: What?!
George: Do they test for [muffled]herpes
Estelle: For what?!
George: HERPES!
Estelle: WHADDAYA NEED THAT FOR?!
George: No, it’s just- I get these bumps-
Frank: BUMPS?! BUMPS!?!! EVERYONE GETS BUMPS, LOOK-
[Frank starts lifting his shirt]
George: NO! DAD! It’s just I get these sores on my lip and I wanna make sure it’s not anything serious
Estelle: SERIOUS!? SERIOUS? MY SON’S A REPROBATE
George: A what?
Frank: IT’S JUST BUMPS!

Scene: Jerry’s apartment. Jerry is sitting reading the newspaper. George enters sipping a disposable coffee cup which he doesn't remove from his mouth. Jerry puts the paper on the table and watches George as he enters never taking his eyes off him.
Jerry: Hey…
George[still covering his mouth with the cup]: Hey.
[George takes a loud audible slurp and sits down next to Jerry. He lifts up the paper and opens it only placing the coffee cup down after the paper covers his face]
George: Ah . Sports.
Jerry[still perplexed and eyeing George]: Uh huh.
[George reads the paper as Jerry watches]
Jerry: So, uh, you, uh, gonna tell me what’s going on with all this?[Jerry gestures to his facial area]
[George finally starts to lower the paper. Jerry sees his cold sore.]
Jerry: Aha. Yeesh.
George: I KNEW IT! I’M A FREAK! A LEPER!
Jerry: Calm down! It's a cold sore! You get them from making out, sharing drinks! Everyone gets them.
George: Do you get them?
Jerry[appalled at the notion]: ...no.
George[continuing his tirade]: I’M DISEASED! A DEGENERATE!
[The intercom buzzes. George paces as Jerry goes to answer]
Jerry: Yeah?
Elaine: It's me.
[Jerry buzzes her in. He turns around to address George]
Jerry: You know who DOES get them? Leno.
George[sits down, calmer]: Leno?
Jerry: Yeah when I was on his show last month, I mean you couldn't really tell with the make up but when you got up close-
George: MAKE UP! THAT’S IT!
[George shoves the paper into Jerry’s hands and rushes to the door]
George: I’M GOING TO MACY’S!
[Elaine enters carrying a stack of coats obscuring her view. George zooms past her and she almost drops them]
Elaine[annoyed]: HEY! WATCH IT!
George[running out covering his mouth]: Sorry gotta go!

Elaine[to Jerry]: Could use a little help!
[Jerry looks at the newspaper in his hands and unceremoniously tosses it into the garbage can and starts washing his hands]
Elaine[annoyed that Jerry isn't helping]: Ugh!
[Elaine drops the coats on the couch and plops down next to them]
Elaine: You would not BE-LIEVE the day I had. Peterman had me picking up coats from FIVE different dry cleaners and now I gotta drop them off across town! I am EX-HAUSTED!
[Elaine notices the coffee cup]
Elaine: Ooh! Coffee!
Jerry[still washing his hands, starts saying NO but is too late and it comes out defeated]:no.
Elaine: What's the big deal, it's already empty!
Jerry: Oh, there was... something.

Scene: Macy’s. George is at the cosmetics counter with an attractive saleswoman. He is covering his mouth as if contemplating.
Saleswoman: Are you still JUST browsing, sir?
George: Mmhmm!
[The saleswoman rolls her eyes. George grabs a perfume card and starts smelling it switching it to cover his mouth rather than his hand]
George: Ah! Polo! Ralph Lauren! I-
[George sneezes, blowing away the card. His cold sore is exposed.]
Saleswoman[aghast at the cold sore but quickly regains composure]: I’ll bring out a selection of men’s concealer that should match your complexion.
[As she leaves]
George: YOU KNOW LENO GETS THEM!

Scene: Kramer is walking down a New York street. A truck hits a pothole and a crate falls out. Kramer walks up to it. POV is from inside the crate as Kramer opens it and peers inside.
Kramer: MAMA SITA!

Scene: Peterman’s office. Peterman is examining the coats as Elaine is seated supposedly taking notes, but is itching her lip and looking in her compact.
Peterman: I know they say dry clean but this is just too dry and not enough CLEAN.
Elaine: Mmhmm.
Peterman: Is this COFFEE? Elaine, I want you to take these back to each dry cleaner and demand they do it PROPERLY!
[Elaine groans]

Scene: It’s night at George’s parent’s house. George and a woman are at the doorstep. The porchlight is off.
Anette: I’m really glad you asked me to take you out tonight George, I mean, I haven’t seen you since the 6th grade!
George: Not a problem. Not A problem. Thanks for picking me up by the way. You know my mother mentioned you were working down at-
Anette: [giggles] You know, I had SUCH a crush on you back then…
George: Ah, childhood. But that was then, this is now. And now you are working at-
Anette: Is.. there a reason these lights are off?
George: Well, my parents are asleep and-
Anette: Your parents! How admirable! Taking care of your parents!
George: Yes, yes dear old mom and pop, but Anette, y’see I wanted to ask you about your work and-
[Anette moves closer. George moves back but she steps in, nuzzling. Anette sniffs]
Anette: Mmmm, is that Polo by Ralph Lauren?
George[hesitantly]:Yes. Yes it i-
[They kiss.]
Frank[offscreen]: WHAT’S ALL THAT NOISE!?
[The porch lights turn on. Anette notices George’s cold sore covered by makeup. She rubs the makeup off and is horrified. She slaps him.]
Anette: YOU ARE DISGUSTING! HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?!
George: HOW COULD I EVEN TELL YOU I COULDN’T GET A WORD IN EDG-
Anette: I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR KIND! I’M A PHLEBOTOMIST!
[She storms off]
George[frustrated]: THAT’S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TALK ABOUT!

Scene: Jerry’s apartment. George is morose on the couch.
George[mid story]: -and then she told my parents, my old classmates, all about how I gave her the sore.
Jerry: So you gave her the sore?
George: I gave her the sore.
Jerry: You really gotta talk about those things, George.
George[incredulous]: Ta- [Ta ha!] TALK?! TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS!? YOU TRY TALKING ABOUT THINGS WITH ANETTE BUCKNER THE INTERRUPTER!
Jerry: Buckner the interrupter?
George: That’s what we called her then, that’s what she is now!
Jerry: Hmm. An interrupter with a sore.
[Elaine bursts in, cold sore in full bloom]
Elaine[pointing at George]: YOU!
George: Me?
[Jerry throws up his hands in surrender]
Jerry: Here we go.
Elaine: YOU GAVE ME THIS SORE!
George: Me? I gave you the sore? How’d I give you the sore? [looks at Jerry] How’d I give her the sore?
Jerry: The cup.
George: The cup?
Elaine: THE CUP! THE COFFEE CUP! IN MY MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, I TOUCHED THESE LIPS [points emphatically at her lips] AT YOUR CUP [points emphatically at George] AND GOT THIS SORE!!![pointing at her lip]
George[still confused]: The cup?

Elaine: AND PETERMAN HAD ME RUNNING AROUND AND AROUND TO DRY CLEANER AFTER DRY CLEANER AND NOW THE WHOLE CITY KNOWS ABOUT ME AND THIS SORE!
[Elaine plops down on the couch, exhausted]
Jerry[calmly sits next to Elaine and pats her back]: It’s okay. It’s just a cold sore. Everybody gets them.
Elaine: Do you get them?
Jerry[still appalled at the notion]: ...no.
[All three sit defeated]
George: Y’know Leno gets them.
[Just then, Kramer bursts in carrying the crate that fell off the truck]
Kramer: I GOT CRABS!
George/Jerry/Elaine Reel back
All three: Crabs?
Kramer: Pure, MARYLAND blue, baby! Fresh! Still alive! See?
[Kramer pulls one out and holds one snipping at the three. He starts unpacking the crabs]
Kramer: Oh yesiree, fell off a shipping truck just the other day! Had ‘em take a nap in my friends cooler ICE COLD-WOW!
[The three are still depressed]
Kramer: Whatsamatter with you guys? We got crabs!
Elaine and George: No. We got sores.
Kramer: Sores?! [He peers in and examines them]. Well I’ll tell you what you gotta do with those. You gotta go to the free clinic! George, I met your friend Anette earlier, quite a looker and-
[Kramer’s lip starts twitching and he starts scratching uncontrollably at it, knocking over the crabs and freeze frame]
SLAP BASS

what the fuck

nice dude

Kill yourself. We dont talk about television or film here.

>Jerry[appalled at the notion]: ...no.
This is about the only part I chuckled at...Ehhh? Good effort?

...more?

The only other seinfeld script I wrote was based on my oneitis rejecting me lol I really can't post it because it's super cringe

It wasn't bad but when I read the OP I didn't read "herpes", so I spent the whole script waiting for George to give them oral, and ended up feeling truly disappointed. 7/10

redtube.com/466848
I got you senpai

Didn't make me laugh as much as the one somebody wrote about cumming in people's eyes but I liked it.

if anyone has that, please post

How embarrassing.