Dear Sup Forums. I have found the secret to happiness. Ever since Zeus commanded Hephaestus to create the first woman they have lived amongst mortal men to their great trouble, no helpmates in hateful poverty, but only when we find wealth. You do not have to have a female human as your closest companion any longer. The cure to this dreadful curse that has been placed upon us is simple: Acquire parrot-companion and forgo any woman who cannot live up to the bird's purity of heart.
Socially and politically - This will give rise to parrots as a protected class, with women being (perhaps) needed only for sex there will no longer be any need for them in our societies except as perhaps wives who must eternally compete with the love of our Life Parrot. By actively championing them as a symbol of our cause it will send out a vital message: That we have found infinitely more meaningful companionship in that of a more noble creature.
Let us compare the benefits of owning a parrot compared to being forced to share your space with a female human.
A Parrot will: >Provide a greater degree of choice than those found in terrestrial humans. A truly expansive selection of colours and hues, wide variety of shapes and sizes and most importantly of all - are soft and tender to the touch. Never loses its beauty with age. >Take an avid interest in all the things you do and always wants to learn more. Feel safe knowing that the conversation never goes anywhere further than there. >Give you deep and meaningful social interaction, loves to talk with you and playfully copies your affectations, manner and speech. With their predictable temperament you will always know where you stand. >Give you rewarding physical interaction. A parrot is always seeking to preen your hair, clean the dead skin from your body or nibble at your lips. They love to be petted and will eagerly reward your gentle touch. >Be beautiful - a parrot's other love in its life than you - is looking as good as it can. Always wanting to appear at its best, a parrot will never be seen a mess or unattractive - it dedicates a portion of its life to being aesthetically pleasing to you. >Be cheap to feed and easy to please. A parrot always watches its figure and requests a cheap and frugal diet of fresh fruit, seeds and nuts - whilst socially content with being whistled at. >Never cheat on you. Once you bond with your beautiful bird - you are the sole object of its affections. Your new partner will avidly defend the sanctity of your relationship by never being for any one other than you. >Strive to obey you whilst keeping its spark of individuality aglow. Your new partner knows when it is time to shut up and it knows that you need your personal time. Can be kept in its own personal mini-aviary where it is as content to be as right by your side.
Jace Myers
>Never argue back. Send your beautiful bird to sleep and silence by covering a blanket over her apartment - she'll soon settle down and be eagerly awaiting your return. >Destroy your enemies - your beautiful bird will never back down from a fight. Beaked with a vicious scissor mouth that will pull skin away from flesh, sever noses and fingers. With enough bite strength to crack bones and extract veins those who seek to harm you will flee in terror or be struck down. >Show you the true meaning of love. Feel the sensuous experience of your eyelashes being gently cleaned - your birds warm puffy feathers against your cheek as she murmurs a bedtime chortle. Her beaky kisses. She has the power to destroy your face - but she does not. >Make you the envy of your friends and family. A parrot is a delicate and special creature - commanding a startling natural beauty and effervescent powers of wit and learning. >Can legally be traded.
Compared to female humans, that are likely to:
Christian Roberts
>Only be available in a small collection of shapes and colours. Visible degradation with age. >Be disinterested in your passions and hobbies, be drawn to vain and worthless things. Fickle and prone to gossip whilst being easily swayed by emotional tugging. >Cause social discord and always comes with baggage. Social interactions often tainted by past events, likely to say and do mean things if you 'trigger' it. >Withhold physical interaction for reasons unknown. Not interested in keeping you beautiful. Not keen on removing dead skin. Prefers to receive and derives little to no pleasure from giving preening and hygiene bonding. >be erratic in keeping themselves respectable. Spends an eternity in applying temporary beauty aides that may or may not enhance its aesthetic. May enhance its beauty to betray you. >Have picky or expensive eating habits. The female human is more predisposed to acquiring a taste for expensive, nutritionally worthless or trash foods due to a variety of factors. >Be prone to cheating. Many female humans are unable to stay faithful and often seek out the most disgusting people in which to perform this with. Will often take worthless advice from its friends in regard to your partnership. >Be contrarian and argumentative, disinterested in your advice or aggressive to your musings. Will often be impossible to get rid of or impossible to contact. >Bring enemies and hardship into your life. The female human commands a vast social worth and the more malicious ones know of this. Can cause huge personal and financial damage and next to useless in an actual confrontation. >Can not be legally traded. . I think I have made my point abundantly clear. It is time for you to get a parrot my fellow friends of Sup Forums.
Jack Sullivan
A compelling argument
HOWEVER
Jonathan Lee
>what is this thread
Matthew Thomas
10/10 shit post got a giggle out
Luis Adams
Post more birds.
Jackson Thompson
Fuck parrots, corvid master race
Dylan Gonzalez
more birds.
I would agree with you - however Corvids have an unsavoury smell.
They make exquisite, graceful entertainers. Modest and elegant, truly we have been wasting our lives with people for too long.
Jeremiah Gutierrez
My mate had a woman, she acted like she owned the place and one day she just disappeared with half his stuff
Samuel Parker
Reminds me, I bought a pet turtle from a grocery store in china when I stayed there. He wouldn't eat though and I released him into """nature""" to presumably die shortly after
Hudson Watson
>Shitpost >Not ancient Hermetic secrets passed down through the ages, translated from the Ancient Greek to Arabic by Levantine scholars before being retranslated back into the latin by the Rosicrucian Order and the Order of the Hermetic Mystery before being unleashed onto this world via Isaac Newton
Jacob Jones
Wtf, I hate parrots now.
Jace Flores
Isn't that kind of shit super illegal in your country?
