Luke, did I ever tell you about that epic standalone adventure I had after I cut your fathers legs off in a volcano...

Luke, did I ever tell you about that epic standalone adventure I had after I cut your fathers legs off in a volcano, but before I met you on tatooine?
It was a good tale

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Luke, did I ever tell you about the ability Force Speed? My master and I used it once to evade some droidekas but then never used it again even in situations where it would have saved peoples lives. It was a good ability.

luke did I ever tell you that your r2 unit helped your mother escape from a bug factory assembly line using his jet propulsion? yes he can fly. he's a good friend.

PLEASE NO! I have to believe you spent the whole second half of your life quietly hiding on a desert planet watching over me, and the most adventure you had was surviving sand storms and local criminals trying to steal your water vaporators.

You did this because you felt guilt and remorse over Anakin, and felt you could never rejoin society after how bad you fucked up. RIGHT?

Actually, there was that one time he was roasting marshmallows and ended up killing Darth Maul again

PLEASE NO! I have to believe r2 spent the whole second half of his life quietly without jet propellers belonging to me, and the most propellers r2 has is surviving sand storms and local criminals trying to steal its scrap metal.

You did this because a game and throne

luke take this light saber, it was your fathers. it was used to kill several young children. it's a good solid light saber.

luke did I ever tell you that your mom was hot as fuck and your father force choked her because he was paranoid that I was having sex with her? they were my best friends

PLEASE NO! I have to believe you spent the whole second half of your life quietly fapping over mother and a game of thrones surviving sand storm

You did and because game of throne

Luke's light saber, formerly Anakin's

luke did I ever tell you that all the storm troopers are clones of one islander man that had his head chopped off in a giant bug battle arena? he was an acquaintance.

storm troopers are not clones you mongoloid

No not this Chuck E Sneed meme. This is serious star wars thread

PLEASE NO!

Luke did I ever tell you how you would end up a whiny facially deformed shit who would have a dead career yet to once again reprise the same role in a poorly fleshed out series of cash grab fanfiction style instantly forgettable movies? reddit was a good friend to them though

mark hamill is a fucking champion voice actor. you're crossing a line pal

:^)

luke did I ever tell you I'm actually obi JUAN kenobi? Oh mi dios chupa mis pelotas

Luke did I ever tell you that this Galaxy is in fact Hell?

Yes, Luke! All of that is true, from a certain point of view...

Did I ever tell you about Mace Windu? He was the only black jedi. He had a purple lightsaber and beheaded a mercenary in front of his young son. He was a good friend.

>Mace Windu
Solo film when? Disney basically owns Jackson these days,

Kathleen Kennedy. A student of George's before she turned to feminism. She's more Disney now than Lucasfilm. ..twisted and evil.

hehe not bad lad not bad at all

those white slavers

Disney kenobi's standalone will be to show us that there are actually good "sand people".

You can screencap this.

I think that went out the window.

Much like Mace Windu himself.

it's too real. lol

Luke did I ever tell you how I was your sworn protector on this planet, which was crawling with sandpeople and Storm Troopers, but then left you here unguarded while I had other adventures. I also met some rebels I let all die trying to steal plans to the Death Star. They were good rebels.

...

Luke, did I ever tell you about the orange jailbait that followed your father around, only wore the most skimpy outfits, and always called him master? She was a good friend.

Luke, did I ever tell you about moonglow, the crisp, delicious flesh of the moonglow was extremely poisonous in its raw form. A single slice contained enough poison to kill a thousand beings within a minute, and there was no known antidote.
There was a unique, ninety-seven step method of preparing the moonglow which removed the poison and made it edible. A chef must have spent at least two years learning the technique from a Master Moonglow Chef before they could obtain a license to prepare it themselves. Restaurants which chose to serve moonglow had to display their own license, which indicated to patrons that the chefs who worked there had been trained in the preparation. All of this licensing and training was necessary because, if one step was omitted or performed in error, the entire process was forfeited. Improperly prepared moonglow might lead to anything from a mild stomachache to a hallucinatory coma, followed by death. It was a good food.

Luke, did I ever tell you I banged Aunt Beru on tattooine after your dad won a podrace. These two droids have had the holo recording of the whole thing in their memory for 40 years?
It was a good time.

Luke, did I ever tell you about The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All The Other Jedi And Eats Their Bones (Specifically just their bones
All the soft parts you can keep
It’s the bones that have the calcium
So he says)

luke did I ever tell you about jizz?
Jizz was an upbeat, swinging genre of music, most notably performed by Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes and the Max Rebo Band. Other notable jizz bands included Bobolo Baker's All-Bith Band, Evar Orbus and His Galactic Jizz-Wailers, Hutt, Figrin D'an II and the New Modal Nodes, and The Sozzenels.

Subgenres of jizz included jizz-wail, aubade, and glitz. Also, the music form jatz was reminiscent of, or in some ways similar to, jizz.

Kek

Luke did I ever tell you that I went literally insane alone in the desert and the only reason why I didn't train you earlier was because I felt guilty?

...

kiefer's really let himself go to shit

Luke, did I ever tell you about my adventures as a heroin addict and how I assfucked a minor in a faraway land called Scotland?

Luke, did I ever tell you about an embarrassing movie I was cast in solely because a character kept loudly making references to The Force and Jedis? It was a shitty movie.

>Chuck E Sneed
my sides

Wake up Luke! Did I ever tell you about chairs?

Chairs were pieces of furniture humanoids could sit in or on (depending on the type of the chair). Chairs came in many shapes and styles, and chairs that could hover also existed. Chairs were common household items throughout the galaxy.

They appeared in:
◾Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace
◾Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones
◾Star Wars: The Clone Wars TV series
◾Catalyst: A Rogue One Novel
◾Forces of Destiny: Daring Adventures: Volume 1
◾Dark Disciple
◾Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith
◾SWInsider "Orientation"—Star Wars Insider 157 (Mentioned only)
◾Lords of the Sith
◾Tarkin
◾Thrawn
◾A New Dawn
◾Battlefront: Twilight Company
◾Rebels-mini-logo Star Wars Rebels – "Rebel Resolve"
◾Battle to the End
◾Rogue One: A Star Wars Story novelization
◾Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope (First appearance)
◾Battlefront II: Inferno Squad
◾Heir to the Jedi
◾Doctor Aphra 9: The Enormous Profit, Part I
◾Doctor Aphra 10: The Enormous Profit, Part II
◾Doctor Aphra 11: The Enormous Profit, Part III
◾Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
◾Star Wars: Episode VI Return of the Jedi
◾Aftermath
◾Aftermath: Life Debt
◾Aftermath: Empire's End
◾Bloodline
◾"The Perfect Weapon"
◾Star Wars: The Force Awakens novelization
◾Star Wars: The Force Awakens: A Junior Novel


they were good friends.

you fool, now someone will post the wiki page about breasts

>(First appearance)

Everytime.

Luke, did I ever tell you the truth is somewhere in the middle? Let that simmer for a while. It will be good advice.

...

>it's an /r9k/ post

Luke, did I ever tell you that nothing beats bending a jawa over a power droid and then going to town on its arse? It's why I wear this hooded brown cloak - so that I can get close to jawas without arousing suspicion.

Afterwards, I use my jedi mind trick to make them think that the sex was consensual. Then I cut off one of their arms with my lightsabre, so that I know, for future reference, which jawas I have fucked. Also, I have a thing about cutting off arms. I think fighting in the clone wars really screwed me up. Sometimes I wake up screaming. Anyway the jawas were good lovers.

Retard.

lol

>Breasts were the mammary glands of mammalian species and some reptomammals, and were normally a distinguishing feature of the female of the species. Males did have breasts, but they were far less developed than their female counterparts due to the sexual dimorphism.
Holy shit

>Luke grabs younglins bane
>no flashbacks
>rey grabs younglins bane
>flashback

>Sperm was a biological substance involved in the reproduction of certain species, during which it was often paired with ova.[1] In several species, sperm was produced by males and inserted into females. For instance, male sarlaccs attached to females as parasites and fed their sperm into their mates.[2] Females of the ghest species of the planet Rodia could even access the sperm of a dead male and self-inseminate, leading to the laying of fertilized eggs.[3] Among the gra species, genetic engineering by sentient beings was so extensive that gra sperm and ova were sold with instruction manuals.[1]

What actually is up with her clothes? Isn't she like 14 in clone wars?

Pretty sure she's a little older than that. Not much though. But they do offer her the "Jedi Knight" title when she leaves the order.

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.

I looked it up. She was born in 36 BBY and joined Anakin at the battle of Christophsis in 22 BBY. That means she was 13 or 14 when she started fighting in the Clone Wars, and 16 or 17 when they ended. I'd say that puts her dead center into the jailbait age bracket, at least for all her appearances in the series.

...

source?

Luke, did I ever tell you that Sand People (or Desert Kin, as they prefer to be called) are all secretly hot women? Don't worry if they are initially scared off by your sexual advances as they will soon return, and in greater numbers, which is really good if you are into group sex.

Your grandmother was a Sand Person. After your father left home she returned to live among her kind. Later, when your father discovered his Sand Person heritage he flew into a terrible rage and slaughtered your grandmother along with her entire village.

In addition to being the greatest pilot in the galaxy, your father was violently racist towards Sand People. He was a good friend.

>Luke, did I ever tell you about the time Ziro the Hutt was brutally murdered by Sy Snootles? Hold on one goddamn second, Luke, I'll explain who that is! Ziro the Hutt was the brother of Jabba the Hutt, and was imprisoned by the Republic during the Clone Wars following a foiled kidnapping plot in which he conspired with Count Dooku to ransom Jabba's son, Rotta. I'll explain Dooku later, Luke! Anyway, the notorious bounty hunter and big guy Cad Bane took the senate hostage and freed Ziro, only to bring him back to the Hutts who put him in prison. Ziro exploited the affection of Sy Snootles, some sort of blowjob alien who sings good songs at Jabba's Palace along with a blue elephant and a CGI dog-man, and had her break him out, and the two escaped into the swamps, to the abode of Mama the Hutt, Ziro’s grotesque mother, who provided him with a starship so he could travel to Teth. Are you keeping up, Luke? Pay attention, Teth is key to all this! Anyways, Ziro was in possession of information important to the Republic, so I teamed up with Jedi Master Quinlan Vos, who was like a black version of The Dude, and we odd-coupled our way through this mission. We crossed paths with Cad Bane, but he proved too much of a big guy for us, and escaped. I guess there wasn't enough time in the episode for us to figure out where Ziro was, so in the end Sy Snootles gunned him down and took his holo-diary and we never worried about any of that shit again.
>Ziro was a good friend. Sy still is a good friend. Cad Bane was not, and may no longer be, a good friend.

>Luke, come over here a moment. Power down the jedi training ball, there's something you need to know. Luke, have I ever told you about SuperShadow? SuperShadow is the alias of a Star Wars fan who ran SuperShadowdotcom, a holosite that fabricated insider knowledge and claimed that SuperShadow was a good friend of George Lucas, and one of the leading Star Wars fan experts in history. According to a Whois search on GoDaddy, the SuperShadow domain is owned by Mickey Suttle. Despite the valid domain name, the holosite has since gone offline.
>When the holosite was online, SuperShadow would often post so-called Star Wars news, images, FAQs, spoilers, and even plot outlines for future Star Wars films, many of which he claimed originated from George Lucas. This led to enough controversy that Lucasfilm's Pablo Hidalgo commented in Star Wars Insider 90, released in October 2006, that SuperShadow had "absolutely no relationship with Lucasfilm or George Lucas" and that the information on the site "are complete fabrications." Hidalgo also revealed that Lucasfilm had "taken action against the site several times when it" solicited money from fans "under false pretenses."
>He was a charlatan, and no good friend of mine.

>Princess Leia: General Kenobi. Years ago you served my father in the Race Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the niggers. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack, and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to the Fatherland has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the white race into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him in the lebensraum. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
[pause]
>Ben Kenobi: [to Luke] You must learn the ways of the white man, if you're to come with me to kill the niggers.
>Luke Skywalker: Kill niggers? I'm not going to kill niggers, I've gotta get home, it's late, I'm in for it as it is!
>Ben Kenobi: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.
>Luke Skywalker: Look, I can't get involved. I've got work to do. It's not that I like this degeneracy; I hate it, but there's nothing I can do about it right now... It's all such a long way from here.
>Ben Kenobi: That's the jews talking

Different times I guess

>Ben Kenobi: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade like your father did.
>Luke Skywalker: What is it?
>Ben Kenobi: Your father's canister of Zyklon B. This is the weapon of the white man. Not as clumsy or random as a nigger's gat; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. For over a thousand generations, the Aryan Brotherhood were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times... before the Galactic Civil Rights Act.

Jesus Christ Lucas

>Ruling is hard. This was maybe my answer to Lucas, whom, as much as I admire him, I do quibble with. Star Wars had a very medieval philosophy: that if the chancellor was a good man, the galaxy would prosper. We look at real history and it’s not that simple. Lucas can say that Leia became chancellor and reigned for a hundred years, and she was wise and good. But Lucas doesn’t ask the question: What was Leia’s tax policy? Did she maintain a clone army? What did she do in times of blockade and space-famine? And what about all these Stormtroopers? By the end of the war, Palpatine is gone but all of the troopers aren’t gone – they’re across the galaxy. Did Leia pursue a policy of systematic genocide and kill them? Even the little baby troopers, in their little space cradles?

Why is GRRM so autistic?

>yfw the new obi won movie actually begins with Obi Won and Luke sitting in Tattooine waiting to leave on the Millenium Falcon and the entire film is a flashback story told by Ben to Luke, with it cutting back to the present like A Princess Bride or Titanic

George Lucas says it was his decision to kill Obi-Wan, Alec Guinness was pissed at the idea.
youtube.com/watch?v=8AZi4oRWz60

Aec Guinness was not happy about any of it.

Tanya, did I ever tell you a long winded story about your father that ended with him facing persecution by the Party and dying broken hearted while I did nothing to help him and assissted in the deaths of thousands?

He was a good half-brother.

Then why would he be unhappy about being killed off the movie? That was all a rumour spread by George haters just like those who pretend his wife fixed ANH or that Kasdan wrote ESB. George as a gentleman never reveal this until that candid interview. I'd like to hear him about Kasdan, that fucking piece of shit.

sounds like it could be pretty comfy desu

>Luke, this is your father's lightsaber, which he used to cut down hundreds of padawans and jedis. An elegant weapon for a more civilized time.

It's just a tool.

his joker is great but what else has he done apart from that voice? only role i can remember is in darksiders as wraith and it was pretty similar to the joker iirc

Luke, did I ever tell you about Darth Maul?
I bisected him after he killed my master, and he fell down a massive shaft. Somehow he kept himself alive and built a spider body for himself, until he was found by his brother, Savage Oppress.
Then he went on an autistic crusade of vengeance, which involved killing my waifu in front of me in an attempt to make me fall to the Dark Side.
He then got peeved by Sheev and vanished off the face of the Galaxy until he came back here a few years ago.
He used to be a good duelist, but he apparently got rusty and went down in literally three seconds.

He was a good friend.

Luke did I ever tell you about the time the droid bounty hunter IG-88 hacked the mainframe of the second Death Star during the Battle of Endor in an attempt to start a droid uprising and galactic purge of organic life while Emperor Sheev Palpatine used Force Real Time Strategy Game Unit Buff to mind control the Imperial Starfleet in preparation for the invasion of the galaxy by luddite Force-immune cenobites out of a Warhammer 40000 fanfiction called the Yuuzhan Vong, who were fleeing the Abominors, a mechanical race of despotic debauched homosexual rapist Tonka Truck Transformers, in order to bring about the genocide of all infidel races, causing Han Solo and Leia Organa's war hero son Jacen Solo to turn to the dark side and become Darth Caedus, the leader of a new sith empire who killed Luke Skywalker's wife Mara Jade, the former force sensitive imperial assassin, for the purpose of getting Luke to turn to the dark side by having him take revenge upon him?

They were not good friends.

>It's just a tool.
It was just a tool until Disney came in and decided an inanimate object could provoke Force Flashback and give you insta-Jedi status.

what movie?

Are...are you having a stroke.

>cut off one of their arms with my lightsabre, so that I know, for future reference, which jawas I have fucked.

Fucking KEK

The absolute worst part is that Disney wants people to think that they're reintroducing the mysticism and spiritualism into the force, after force Power Levels got out of hand in the EU.
The fact that they use a fucking weapon as the means to do this is absolutely baffling, as is the fact that Rey clearly has absolutely no clue about the deeper meanings of the force. Force Power levels are worse than ever now, because before you could just ignore the EU shit when it started getting retarded.

Finn would have been a FAR better candidate for the sudden rush of Force insight. He was the one who was fresh faced and wanted a new start in life, he was the one who was actually absorbing things people were saying, and he was the one who mostly resembled Luke and Anakin's initial naive attitudes. It would have made more sense if he finally had an epiphany, or he had a moment like Luke did at the Death Star, or even a moment like Luke did when training with the droid.

Someone please post the one with hired assassins.

Watch out for that vicious bounty hunter Boba Fett, Luke. Did I ever tell you I fought his dad? He was hired to assassinate a senator me and your father were guarding. We kept bringing her around open windows and public areas in order to draw the would-be assassin out because we knew he had too much pride to just shoot her from long range. He had used his payment to hire another bounty hunter to kill the senator for him while he sent us on a wild bantha chase. Also the 2nd assassin used her payment to buy a robot to assassinate the senator for her. Did I mention the 2nd assassin was a shapeshifter? She could have been a good friend in disguise and just shot the senator for all we knew! Then the robot used its payment to buy poisonous bugs to release into the senator's room while she slept after lasering a hole through the window. It could have just lasered her too after that because we we weren't watching her at all, but it already bought the bugs. So we sense the hostile life forms (not the robot) in the room and rush in and save the senator in the nick of time! Then I jumped out the window to chase the robot back to its owner! Luckily it didn't have a self-destruct function. Then we found the 2nd assassin and chased her across the planet, and caught her when she tried to kill us instead of shapeshifting and escaping. But to our surprise, Jango Fett was watching the whole thing instead of going to kill the senator while we were away chasing the bugs chasing the robot chasing the shapeshifter. He shot her with a poisonous dart instead of sniper blaster, and only her instead of shooting all of us or blowing all of us with a rocket or something, then he escaped with his tiny jetpack. Luckily for the senator, my good friend Dexterr Jettster owned a 50s dinner on Courscant that had Republic secrets on the menu along with cheeseburgers and malt shakes. We found the assassin and Mace Window killed him later, right in front of Boba. And he was a good friend.