>be American
>wake up at 5 AM
>Put on Fox News
>Today they're talking about how Trump is Jesus and Reagan reincarnated in a one true Patriot, all American prez
>Eat 10 sausages, 5 pancakes, a liter of Coke, 10 eggs and a whole loaf of Wonderbread
>Finish breakfast, 6:30 now
>Have to wake up my kids (Jaiden, Kaileigh and Crouton) so they can go to school
>My wife wakes up, but can't get out of bed because of morbid obesity
>"Y'all can take the kids to skawl?"
>But honey, I'll be late and Mr Shekelb-
>"IF YOU COMPLAIN ONCE MORE I'LL SHOW YOU THE VIDEO I MADE WITH JAMAL AND DESHAWN FUCKING ME"
>Fine, I'll drive the kids to school
>"OH AND BY THE WAY, CAN Y'ALL STOP AT WALMART AND GET ME ONE OF DEM SCOOTERS?? HERE'S 5K DOLLARS, GET ME ONE OF DEM FANCY ONES"
>Fine
>Pack the kids' school bags with their 3 books (The Bible, Ann Coulter's "The Libs: Why?" and "Mr Trump's Neighborhood")
>Make sure their Glock Fowty' Fives are loaded
>C'mon kids time to go!
>We hop in my Ford 150 15.3L V8
>We drive for an hour, to get to the school which is 3km away
>We listen to Rush Limbaugh on the way there
>"AND FINALLY, ANYONE WHO ISN'T A REGISTERED REPUBLICAN CAN BE TAKEN TO JAIL!!! WHOOHOO 3 CHEERS FOR EMPEROR DRUMPF!!"
>"Dad what is a "lib"? aks Crouton
>YE SHET YER TRAP YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! WE DON'T SAY THAT WORD 'ROUND HERE
>Get to school, a shooting already happened, they're now carrying the bodies away
>Well kids, may God Drumpf be with you, if you see a shooter, or a brown person talks to you, remember, aim to the head
>"thank u dad, have a good day y'all"
>Now have to drive to work
>Get pulled over by a cop on my way to work
>Cops approaches the car
>"So mr user, how much money are you carrying with you"
>Well officer, I have 5k becau-
>"STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE, LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS"
>but
>"THIS IS A CIVIL FORFEITURE CASE!"
>the cop shoots me
>tip the cop, ask him to pls call an ambulance
>"WHERE IS YOUR PROOF OF INSURANCE"
>give him the number of Shekelberg & Co, my employer
Be American
>"I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH YER BOSS, SOUNDS LIKE U GOT FIRED BECAUSE U DIDN'T MEET YOUR TARGET OF 450% INCREASE ON ADULT DIAPERS SALES"
>"SO YOU AIN'T GOT ANY INSURANCE, SON, SORRY, THIS IS THE USA, IF YOU CAN'T PULL YOURSELF FROM YOUR BOOTSTRAPS YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE A LIB"
>tell him I'll give him my truck and he can pay for my ambulance
>"OK BUT JUST FOR THE RIDE"
>Get to the hospital in an ambulance
>Shooting happens at the parking lot
>get shot again
>finally make it to the ER
>since I only have 2 bullet holes, get placed at the bottom of the waiting list, since everyone else has multiple bullet wounds
>in agony for what seems an eternity
>finally, it's my turn for surgery
>the surgeon gets the bullets out, gives me a years supply of Oxycontin and Xanax
>"That'll be $543,000 Trump Dollars, son"
>Tell him I'll pay him once I find a job
>"Oh no no, that won't cut it son"
>ask him what I can do to pay him
>"well Mr Trump is up for reelection for his 7th term this coming year, I am the admin of a superPac and I need someone to post Pro-Trump frogs on a Cantonese basket weaving forum. I pay $.50 per frog posted"
And that's how I became a frogposter
Just found out my gf from early high school got pregnant pretty recently. She's only 18. I've always known teen pregnancy was a thing but it's really fucking strange having it happen to someone you once knew really well.
early pregnancy is pretty common in the UK where people marry pretty early too.
here in spain its quite the opposite, since people take so long to reach economic stability and getting a good job takes years people have kids extremelly late, at least in their 30's or 40's.
Canadians unironically bring the best bants.
> Now with Vitamin R
Let me guess, they grow Tomaccos as well.
>>My wife wakes up, but can't get out of bed because of morbid obesity
My sides
>be Canadian
>misgender tranny
>go to gaol
Fuck me. Best shit post I've seen in months. Enjoy being in my Best Of Sup Forums folder.
I didn't laugh that much, but I give you an A for effort
Kill yourself, that wasn't even remotely funny
Best shitpost ive seen in a while. Youre doing gods work my dude
Canadian posters are so desperate to show that they're not American. It's adorable.
>>Eat 10 sausages, 5 pancakes, a liter of Coke, 10 eggs and a whole loaf of Wonderbread
>liter
Stopped right there
I honestly didn't even bother reading, that's how lazy I am
10/10
to-bh they never really had much of a point in existing besides to "forward British interests". No that we're gone it's a non-country that's no better than Belgium.
To be fair it really is way too long and bloated, a better shitpost would be quicker and more to the point.
Eh, I smiled at tipping the cop. A small one.
>Now that we're gone it's a non-country that's no better than Belgium
That's uncalled for.
Does anyone else get upset when anyone but us teases America?
lel
>be american
>boycott Israel
>get arrested
Is this your way of saying you're tsundere for us?
We're the true inheritors of the British empire, Rajesh.
>Be Canadian
>Be Chinese
It's not really. Canadians and American aren't as culturally distinct as they think. They're essentially the same people separated by the border of an empire that's long gone.
Cunt I own two sports direct mugs so I'm the upper tier of Englishness.
Not bad for a leaf.
Isn’t obesity starting to become a big problem in Canada, too?
Maybe it's different from the inside looking out, but if you place your average Albertan next to someone from Arizona, the differences will stand out.
If you legitimately think there's huge differences between any of the 5 Eyes countries you're probably a bit fucked in the head. Aside from regional slang and attitudes toward certain subjects you could go live in any of them and feel fairly at home.
>Isn’t obesity starting to become a big problem in Canada, too?
>starting
We have a lot of fatties, im pretty sure its like 25% of the population or so. Not as bad as some but still pretty bad.
Our influence is far reaching
In our defence we're the least fat of the Anglo countries.
The true leaf is back
Thanks
I don't really no. But we're all thousands of miles apart from each other while you guys share a border.